Let’s discuss timing. One of my favorite things. Timing is everything. Also coincidence, a favorite word to use in the fandom. Most vets have been through the ringer with the IFH and the EFH and I arrived here just in time for the WFH, yea me! But I digress. I have never seen the IFH. Ever. I’ve seen clips. The cringy parts. I have no desire to watch it in its entirety. But in order to make the post I needed to find gifs from when the IFH first aired. January 8, 2016. Because I want bring back up what Cait said in her October 2020 interview. I’ll paste from one of my previous posts:
Six years from 2020 is 2014. Just a few months after Sam and Cait met, and following their holiday in Paris. Now, let’s go to January 1, 2015 when Cait’s good friend Donal posted a video of Cait playing the flute on someone’s lap who shall remain unnamed. Here’s a pic that I purposely SS without unnamed man’s face showing up. Corner of Cait’s face with her friends around her.
We won’t talk about unnamed man. Now, IFH, a year later. Again, January 8, 2016. Sam and Cait denying they are together. Their faces and body language say everything, KDS looks astonished and tells us to believe what we want. But what’s curious is what Sam says about he and Cait not being together:
“We could try”
Hmm. Now, ignoring all the shit that has been thrown at Sam the last few weeks, Cait and several others have called Sam a gentleman, a big hearted great guy. If Cait was in a relationship with someone in January 2016, why the hell would he say “we could try.” Hmm? That wouldn’t be appropriate to say about his costar if she’s seeing someone. Unless...
Now, let’s revisit unnamed man real quick, and how certain tabloids never got the number of years correct on how long Cait was with her “fiancé” before they got “married” It always bounced around from 1-2 years, 3 at the most. But that doesn’t jive with how many years she has been with her husband. 2021 marks 7 years with her husband, and 8 years from when she got the role on Outlander. Coincidence? I think not.
okay so hear me out, yahoo bought tumblr for about a 1 billion dollars and according to google tumblr currently as around 456.1 million users. a billion divided by 456.1 million is 2.19 (rounded) so if we all chipped in $2.19 we could buy tumblr and elect a new leader.
We Could Try (Part 8): Stay With Me (Spencer Reid x Fem!BAU!Reader)
(Not my gif. Credits to the creator!)
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Author Masterlist / Clueless (prequel)
Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5 / Part 6 / Part 7 / Part 8 / Part 9
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Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!BAU!Reader
Summary: The team finds out where Turpin has Valerie and Reader. Will they get there on time?
Word Count: 4.6k
Warnings: Angst. Case's description. A hostage situation with blows, cuts, and blood is described. Hospital things and CM usual stuff. If I forgot something, let me know.
A/N: Here is another chapter, folks! The next one will be the last of this series. Thank you for your support so far. I love y'all!
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'Spencer? Spencer! Stay with me!'
(Y/N) held Spencer's head as she put some pressure on his neck where the wound was located. Everything around them was a mess. Gunshots were coming and going, and (Y/N) only could focus on why, for God's sake, the paramedics couldn't reach them faster.
Spencer barely blinked and was trying to say something, but (Y/N) insisted on him not doing it.
'Stay with me. Just squeeze my hand. Don't talk; you need the oxygen.'
'I - I lo-' he mumbled but couldn't finish because he passed out. At that moment, (Y/N) freaked out. When she was about to crumble, the paramedics arrived and started to check on Spencer. Morgan held her tight from her middle section to separate from him so the paramedics could do their job.
Hotch didn't let her ride in the ambulance, but he drove them - (Y/N), Blake, and JJ - to the hospital.
The hours waiting for news about Spencer's condition were endless. (Y/N) paced from one corner to another, biting her nails. Her friend could die, and she couldn't do anything. Yeah, her 'friend.'
Seven years on the team, and (Y/N) still didn't confess her feelings for her coworker and friend. Maybe she has lost her chance. The thought was unbearable. (Y/N) swore that if Spencer made it, she would tell him everything.
When the doctor announced Spencer would fully recover, (Y/N) breathed again. Hotch - who always knew about (Y/N) and Spencer pinning for each other without them even knowing - instructed (Y/N) to stay with him as the rest of the team worked to wrap the case and catch the bastard shot Spencer.
She didn't leave his side for hours, grabbing his hand and squeezing it to convince herself he was alive and will be okay.
-
(Y/N)?! Can you hear me?
A frantic voice rang in (Y/N)'s ears. Spencer?
Recovering her senses, she realized the voice wasn't Spencer's. It was Valerie's.
That meant two things: she was still alive, and Valerie was still alive. However, the pain and numbness in various parts of her body told her she was not in the best condition. (Y/N) couldn't move her body, and it was hard for her to breathe. The son of a bitch had given her a good beating.
"(Y/N), please tell me something. Tell me anything," Valerie spoke again.
Valerie watched her breathe, but she didn't know for how long. There was terror in her voice. The fear that (Y/N) was dying.
"How long has it been since he left?" (Y/N) murmured. Valerie sighed, somewhat relieved when she heard her voice.
"Half an hour or so," she responded by watching intently as (Y/N) moved her body to regain some consciousness.
(Y/N) knew they didn't have much time left. She suspected the team knew everything by now, and they were trying to find Turpin's location. But it was unlikely that both could be saved at the same time. And given the conditions, Valerie had a better chance.
"I have to tell you something," she whispered to Valerie. "It's important," she added.
Valerie didn't know if she was going to like what she was going to hear.
-
"But in this case, significant to whom? Valerie or (Y/N)? Or both?" Rossi asked. They were discussing where Turpin could have (Y/N) and Valerie.
"Their paths never crossed before. I mean, until, well-"Luke trailed off, looking at Spencer.
"Until me. Yeah. I know," Spencer finished Luke's statement. The team members looked at each other knowingly, but Green didn't understand. He was about to ask when Prentiss interrupted.
"I hate to say this, but it has to do with (Y/N). She's the alpha here. She's a threat to Turpin. Not Valerie."
Spencer was aware that Emily might be right, which meant that possibly (Y/N) was having the worst time right now. He racked his head for somewhere in New York that might have meaning to (Y/N) and Turpin might know about.
"Some place she could have mentioned regarding her job in Boston and linked to New York?" JJ urged.
"I'm thinking! She barely has left the city if it was not to come to DC!" Spencer reacted, pacing in the room.
"There is no way he could know about her in DC. He knows her from the investigation the Boston department did," Emily concluded.
Something clicked on Spencer after Emily's words.
"She told me once she couldn't come to DC because of a seminar she needed to attend out of Boston. Four months ago," Spencer mentioned.
"Garcia, search for a seminar (Y/N) attended four months ago. Possibly in New York," Rossi instructed. They were holding their breath until Garcia spoke.
"Sorry folks, she was a speaker in a seminar four months ago, but it was in Filadelfia. There are no flights or bookings of her in New York until now."
"Shit," Rossi mumbled. Spencer shook his head.
"Wait. What was it about? What did she present?"
Garcia typed for a couple of seconds. Emily looked at Spencer, confused.
"Oh! You're a boy genius, indeed," Garcia chirped. "She presented two cases about serial killers on the loose—the killings of New Haven, Providence, and Boston. And! the killings in Astoria Park two years ago. In both, she consulted." she clarified.
"That's how he knew about her. Turpin knew she was working on the case," Tara commented.
"What about the Astoria Park case?" Spencer asked again.
"In the presentation, she mentioned both cases were highly important for her as an FBI agent, and she compelled the audience to not forget about them," Garcia explained.
"That's it. Turpin knew about that," Luke concluded.
They got everything they could about the Astoria Park cases, crossing references with recent traffic footage and cellphone triangulation. That is how they got an address—an abandoned building located on one corner of Astoria Park where the first victim was found.
"We got you, son of the bitch!" Rossi chimed as the team quickly prepared to go. They knew the time was ticking, and things could turn pretty messy after two days. Green also called the SWAT team to help with the takedown.
Spencer just hoped it wasn't too late and both (Y/N) and Valerie were okay. Bouncing his leg nervously, he could only think of everything he wanted to say to (Y/N).
-
Valerie's screams alerted Turpin that something was happening in the basement. Quickly he grabbed his gun and ran downs stairs. Valerie was yelling at the top of her lungs.
"You killed her! Son of the bitch!"
"What's wrong with you?!" Turpin urged, looking at Valerie for an explanation. Valerie was fully crying, shaking the chains that kept her tied up. Turpin's eyes widened. Turpin knew how badly he had beaten (Y/N), but she was alive when he left, and he thought she could endure a little more. He wasn't done with her yet.
(Y/N) was lying on the floor, in the same position where he had left her a while ago. He moved closer to take her pulse while Valerie continued to yell angrily. Turpin felt some pulse, but it was almost unnoticeable.
"Shut up! She is still alive. Don't be dramatic," Turpin said, moving closer to Valerie now, ready to hit her to stop her screaming. Valerie gulped, seeing him approaching but kept yelling at him.
"Don't lie! You killed her!"
"Enough!" Turpin demanded, hitting Valerie with the back of his hand. "If you don't shut up, I'll kill you first!" She yelped from the blow but turned her head quickly to spit on him.
"You coward!" Valerie yelled again. But when he was about to assert another blow on her, (Y/N) launched over Turpin, pushing him onto the floor. The gun he had, fell a few meters from them.
What happened next was just confusion. Turpin clearly didn't expect to be attacked, almost thinking (Y/N) lay dying on the floor. Now, (Y/N) barely had any strength, but she managed to land a couple of blows that disoriented him. Still, (Y/N) was at a disadvantage. Valerie was still tied up, and (Y/N) had no other weapon except for her own hands.
Instinctively Valerie struggled against her restraints, praying they would give so she could break free. Turpin managed to recover a bit and pushed (Y/N). He quickly went to grab the gun from the floor, but after so much forcing, Valerie managed to free one of her hands, enough to throw her low body onto the gun and kick it in the direction of (Y/N) before Turpin could reach it.
It was a matter of seconds between (Y/N) grabbing the gun and Turpin launching on her to get it back. Valerie watched in horror how they fought and how Turpin was about to take the weapon from (Y/N) 's hands.
-
The team arrived at the building, quickly descending from the SUVs as the police and SWAT cordoned off the area.
But before Green and Prentiss could settle any strategy, two shots were heard from the inside.
"Shit," Prentiss mumbled. Green took the lead and yelled to the SWAT team.
"Go! Go! Go!"
Then a bunch of SWAT rushed inside.
"No, no, no, no. (Y/N)!" Spencer shouted, ready to run to the entrance, gun in hand. JJ tried to stop him with her hands on his shoulders.
"Spence! We don't know yet what's going on," she reasoned.
"But (Y/N) is in there! I'm not staying here," Spencer broke free of JJ's grasp and kept running towards the shot source. His heart was beating fast and, in his mind, only one thought: 'she has to be okay; please let her be okay.'
When Spencer reached the basement, (Y/N) was on her knees, arms still holding the gun towards Turpin, who was on the floor, dead. Valerie was in a corner, her free arm covering her head.
(Y/N) looked frozen on the spot, her hands shaking.
"(Y/N), can you hear me?" Spencer asked cautiously, approaching and holstering his gun. "He's dead. Hey, look at me. It's over."
(Y/N) looked so far away. Her trembling hands didn't falter the grip of the gun, though. It was like being in alert mode but only focused on the threat, not the surroundings. Spencer knew so well that headspace, and it broke him to witness it on (Y/N).
"Yeah. It's me. Come on, give me the gun. It's over (Y/N)"
Spencer slowly approached in hopes of bringing her attention back. (Y/N) looked pale, although all the bruises and blood covered her face. It was like she was about to faint at any moment.
"She's severely injured! She needs a medic!" Valerie yelled at the same time (Y/N) left the gun's grasp and fell to the floor.
Spencer kneeled quickly to catch her before her head could touch the floor.
"Spencer-" she mumbled when their eyes met. Immediately he inspected her body, locating each wound at sight.
"It's okay; it's over. You did it. You caught him," Spencer reassured her.
"I - I didn't know. I'm so-" (Y/N) only could babble at this point. She felt so weak, and even if she didn't want to give up, her body was telling her otherwise.
"I know. I know. It's okay. You are safe now. I promise." But (Y/N) didn't react. She felt her eyes heavy and her body numb.
Tears started pooling from Spencer's eyes.
“(Y/N)? Look at me. Hey, stay with me!" Spencer shouted to catch her attention, but (Y/N) had her eyes shut now, her breathing uneven, and her pulse was barely there.
"We need a medic here!" Valerie kept bawling as a SWAT member untied her.
Two paramedics rushed over (Y/N) to control her vitals. Spencer didn't want to move from her side, but Prentiss, who had entered the basement a few seconds ago, pulled him to give the paramedics room to work.
"We need to move fast! We're losing pulse!" One of the guys checking on (Y/N) shouted as they maneuvered her into the stretcher.
Spencer wiggled to get free from Emily's grasp, but with Luke's help, he couldn't.
"Come on, man. We'll ride to the hospital. Let them do their job," Luke told Spencer.
Another paramedic and Tara were checking on Valerie, who was still shocked by the ordeal. It was hard to believe, and she was grateful for being alive, but she had a sharp feeling of guilt punching her stomach. She had never felt that way before.
-
Spencer hated hospitals. But truth be told, who could like a place like that? Not the BAU members, of course. Each one has had a non-grata experience with hospitals in their life.
Now it wasn't the exception.
Spencer was sitting in the waiting room with JJ, alert for any news about (Y/N) 's condition. Prentiss and Green were dealing with the scene in the basement with Luke and Matt's help. Tara and Rossi were talking to Valerie and getting her statement.
"It took us too long to realize it was him. We wasted too much time. We could have gotten there before he beat her like that," Spencer lamented, his body leaning forward, with his hands holding his head and eyes on the floor.
"Spence, don't do that. You need to focus on her recovery. What it's done, it's done," JJ squeezed his elbow. She wanted to get him out of those guilty thoughts, but Spencer wasn't getting the memo.
"I'm scared, JJ. I'm so fucking scared," he paused to control the urge to cry. "I can't imagine what would be my life if she- if she- God. Not like this, please," he sniffled. JJ hugged him, and Spencer let himself cry in her arms.
"I - I have been so selfish, JJ. I didn't see through and accused her of the same thing I did to her in the past. I'm so stupid." Spencer needed to spill it out. JJ tightened their embrace, but Spencer wasn't done talking yet.
"Time. How absurd that sounds now, uh? I thought time would be enough to fix what I did to her. Now time is escaping through my fingers."
He felt powerless and so afraid. All doubts and mixed feelings he could have before no longer mattered. The love of his life was fighting to stay alive, and Spencer couldn't do anything to help her.
It wasn't entirely clear how much time had passed, but it seemed endless in that waiting room.
Spencer didn't want to move from there until he could have some news. The team showed up a couple of times to check for information too. They were visibly worried but tried to keep their spirit high to prevent Spencer from crumbling.
It was almost night when a doctor came to give an update. Spencer was keeping company with Prentiss at that moment.
"Agent (Y/N) (Y/L/N)?" The doctor asked. Emily and Spencer stood at the same time.
"I'm her unit chief Emily Prentiss, and he is agent (Y/L/N) 's boyfriend, doctor Spencer Reid. How's she?" Emily asked. The doctor nodded.
"I'm doctor Roland. I performed the surgery on the agent (Y/L/N). She came in really bad condition and even flatlined a couple of times. But we were able to stabilize her. Her condition is still critical, though. We need to monitor the next few hours. If she can make it through the night, we have good chances."
Emily and Spencer nodded. They understood what that meant. Spencer asked if he could see her, and doctor Roland agreed. Emily knew Spencer wouldn't leave (Y/N) 's side, so she requested updates and promised to come back with some clothes for him.
(Y/N) lay there, several machines controlling her vitals. She had bandages on her head and arms. Spencer suspected the rest of her body was in a similar condition. Her face showed dark bruises and red marks from the dried blood.
"Hey, love. The doctor said I could stay here with you tonight. Is that okay? I hope it does," Spencer mumbled, approaching the bed. His hands were shaking.
He kept there, contemplating her- watching her chest rise and fall with each breath. Confirmation that she was still there.
Spencer felt a lump in his throat from fear and the stuck words he hadn't been able to get out in months.
As the distance grew between them, Spencer could tell that something was wrong, but he didn't think (Y/N) 's doubts were still hunting them closely, and he was to blame for that.
"I know you're still mad at me. I'm so sorry. But I promise I didn't want to hurt you. I love you too much to ever think of doing it. I mean, I know I did back then. And I hated myself for that. I still do."
Adrian's words echoed in Spencer's head: (Y/N) had left DC because of him, because of his poor decisions and the foolish idea that by pushing (Y/N) away, he could protect her from himself. That seemed so stupid now when she was lying in that hospital bed.
"You know? My therapist told me I needed to consider what I wanted for our relationship. That I already made all the amends I had to, but all possible amendments still seem so insignificant compared to the pain I caused you."
His shaky, scratchy voice was evidence of the tears he had shed in the last few hours. Spencer cleared his throat to keep talking, hoping that maybe (Y/N) could hear him.
"You said that you didn't trust me enough yet. And I understand. I thought time would be enough to get that trust back, but I didn't notice you weren't ready. And I pushed it. Selfishly I pushed it."
His hands held one of hers. Despite the hospital's cold, Spencer could feel the warmth of her touch. Gently stroking her hand, he wanted to feel closer to her.
"I promise not to do it again. But please, come back to me, my love. Stay with me. Please," Spencer begged with tears pricking the corner of his eyes.
Spencer truly hoped that (Y/N) could hear him in some capacity - that he could convince her to keep fighting.
-
After being discharged, Valerie asked a nurse about (Y/N) 's condition, and the nurse told her what room (Y/N) was in.
Valerie peeked through the door and saw Spencer in a chair, an arm stretched, holding (Y/N) 's hand. It was nearly midnight by now; maybe not a good time to show up, but she was already there.
"Hey. Sorry for bothering you," Valerie apologized, peaking Spencer's attention. He turned to look at her, giving a slight nod.
"Hi. How are you feeling?" Spencer asked, seeing the bandages she sported and the cast holding her right arm.
"I'm okay. Just a sprain and a couple of bruises and cuts. How's (Y/N) doing?" Valerie hastened to ask, stepping inside the room.
"She hasn't woken up yet. The doctor says if she can make it through the night, she has better chances," Spencer informed.
Valerie could see all the distress written on Spencer's face. It was painful for anyone could see.
"I'm sure she is fighting. She'll make it," Valerie said, eyeing the girl in the hospital bed. Spencer frowned as he stood to grab a cup of water from the side table.
"You don't have to be kind, Valerie. You don't even need to be here. You can go home," Spencer said before sipping from the cup. Valerie nodded.
"I know, but that woman saved my life. Kind is the least I can be," she stated. Spencer squinted his eyes at her. Was she being honest, or was it another Valerie's thing before coming up with an ominous remark?
"Yeah. It's not something I like to say, but I owe (Y/N)," Valerie continued. She knew Spencer didn't believe her and didn't blame him. "Ironic, uh? I mean, after the things between us and how 'highly' I spoke about her in the past," Valerie sighed at Spencer's frown. "Spencer, I'm not proud of what I did. And you don't have to believe me at all, but it's true."
Spencer blinked a couple of times, trying to think what to say. He was tired, and the last he wanted was to deal with Valerie and that story. It was too much already.
"I don't want to be rude, but it doesn't matter if I believe you," Spencer said, shooking his head.
"Understandable. I just wanted you to know something, though. She asked me to tell you something, actually." Valerie said, flicking her gaze between (Y/N) and Spencer.
"She did what?" Spencer asked in disbelief.
"After she told me about her plan to get us out of there - well, get me out of there because she was sure she wouldn't make it - (Y/N) made me promise I would tell you how sorry she was. About pushing you away. About doubting of you," Valerie recounted.
"(Y/N) told you that?"
Valerie nodded.
"Yeah. Honestly? I don't think she stopped thinking about you all the time we were there. I heard her mumbling your name a few times."
That wasn't the only thing Valerie wanted to say, though. Since the basement ordeal, she kept thinking about her shared past with (Y/N) and Spencer. Things looked so different now.
People say when you face a near-to-dead experience, you start to question your past decisions and actions. It happened to Valerie, and the summary she got didn't make her feel better.
"I made a mess in your relationship. I know that. It doesn't matter why I did it, but I did it. And the extent of my doing? It doesn't make me proud."
Spencer scoffed. It was nearly unbelievable to him to see Valerie taking the blame he had in the first place.
He did it. He hurt (Y/N). Valerie was involved in his poor decisions, but it was all his doing.
"Well, I guess we are two feeling the same," Spencer muttered, shifting his weight from one foot to another. His finger played unconsciously with the styrofoam cup.
"You know? I can stop thinking about the night she asserted her fist on my nose. It was true I provoked her. You already know that. What you don't know is what I said to her," Valerie prefaced, toying with the cast strap. Spencer sighed, remembering that night.
"That we were sleeping together before she broke up with me? I already know that. And you knew it was a lie," he said curtly.
"Yeah, that too. But that wasn't all." Spencer quirked an eyebrow. He always wanted (Y/N) could tell him about that night, but she always refused, telling him it was not worth even mentioning. He never pressured her into that again.
Valerie told him everything that happened. This time, all facts, no lies. She recounted that (Y/N) was worried about him. She said that she told (Y/N) to stay away. And most importantly, how insignificant she made (Y/N) feel, telling her she wasn't enough for Spencer and people only pitied her—telling her that she was weak for not fighting for him.
"I hit a nerve. It was clear I did."
Now things made more sense to Spencer, especially what (Y/N) told him in the precinct days ago: 'It's not on you, Spencer. It's - it's on me.' She was insecure, not because Spencer did something this time; it was the fear of that night. The suspicion that Valerie could have been right.
"You told her that?! Valerie, what the fuck?" he asked, exasperated. Valerie couldn't say she was surprised by his reaction.
"I wanted to hurt her. Of course I was going to use that. Again, I'm not proud," she admitted, twitching her nose uncomfortably.
"Why are you telling me this, anyway?" Spencer folded his arms over his chest. Valerie shrugged. She wasn't sure why either.
"I guess it's because I'm being selfish. I needed to let it out. And you needed to know. (Y/N) was right. I didn't love you the way you deserved. But she did, and she does. Seeing you two these past few days made me realize that (Y/N) is your match in so many ways. That commitment to others and dedication? It's what your jobs mean to you." Spencer looked confused. Valerie continued. "You belong here, Spencer. I thought you didn't, but I was wrong. You are made to be a profiler and to work in the BAU. And most importantly, you belong to her. You deserve her, and she deserves you. And I know you don't give a shit what I think or say, but it's true. I think you should know."
"Does it matter if it's possible that she never could make it?" he asked bitterly. Valerie pursed her lips in a tight line.
"It matters because you will have the chance to be together again. And it matters because you need to ensure she doesn't doubt her worth again. No matter if a woman like me tries to get her nerve."
It was the first thing Valerie had said that Spencer was willing to take as advice in a long time. Perhaps it was the certainty with which she said
he and (Y/N) would have the chance to be together again. Or maybe because now things made sense, and Spencer was determined to prove to (Y/N) that his heart could never belong to another person.
Spencer sat in the chair to stare at (Y/N) without saying a word to Valerie. What could he say? Valerie took that as her cue to leave the room in silence. And so she did.
This time would be the last Spencer would see Valerie Smith in his life.
-
When Spencer opened his eyes, he saw (Y/N)'s head resting on the mattress and felt her hand holding his. Life was giving him a new opportunity, and he wouldn't waste another minute without saying what it was stuck in his chest for years now.
'I love you,' he rasped. It was almost a whisper but enough to wake up (Y/N). She didn't register the words he said, just for the emotion of seeing him awake.
'Oh God, Spencer. I was so scared. I thought you-' She stopped her rant when it hit her. 'What?' Spencer's eyes were filled with adoration, the way he always looked at (Y/N).
'I love you, (Y/N). I have been in love with you for ages.' he paused to take a breath. He still felt weak after the surgery. 'And I'm sorry I didn't say anything before and for doing it now,' he took another pause. 'And I know that you don't feel the same, but I can't die and not tell you how I feel. I'm sorry.'
(Y/N)' s eyes widened. Was Spencer in love with her? It was a huge irony and a relief at the same time. She brought Spencer's hand to her lips and planted a loving kiss on it. Spencer looked at her oddly.
'Well, it happens that you beat me this time, doctor Reid. I was about to confess my utter love for you right now,' she chuckled, happy tears running down her cheeks.
'Really?' Spencer thought he might be dreaming or hallucinating after the surgery. (Y/N) nodded.
'Yeah. I guess we have been blind all these years.'
Spencer beamed. It was really happening.
'God, I love you. Please, let me take you out on a date.'
'As soon as you get out of here.'
Spencer smiled at the memory. He only hoped to get that chance again.
We Could Try (Part 9): Take Me Home (Spencer Reid x Fem!BAU!Reader)
(Not my gif. Credits to the creator!)
Author Masterlist / Clueless (prequel)
Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5 / Part 6 / Part 7 / Part 8 / Part 9
------------------
Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!BAU!Reader
Summary: Spencer stays with Reader all night in the hospital. Will she make it at the end? Will they make it too?
Word Count: 6.1k
Warnings: Hurt/Confort/Fluff. Talk about rough injuries, hospitals, and hostage situations. If I forgot something, let me know.
A/N: This is the last chapter, my loves. Thank you so much for the support you gave to this series. I love these two so much, and it's a bit sad to let them go, honestly.
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Spencer forgot the last time he had a nice dream. It was possibly months ago.
It was curious that, in these circumstances, he could dream of something nice again, but that's how it was.
-
He could see (Y/N) laughing as he tried to sing a song.
"You're so off-key," she complained, still laughing.
"But I'm your off-key guy. And you love me," Spencer told her, pecking her lips.
"You're right. But don't push it, pal," she teased him, playfully hitting his chest. Spencer chuckled as he pulled her to him.
"Come on, say it," Spencer requested.
"Say what?" (Y/N) asked as she didn't know what he was talking about.
"You know what!" Spencer pouted. (Y/N) grinned.
"Okay, okay. Don't get all fuzzy on me," (Y/N) said, holding Spencer's cheeks when he tried to avert her gaze. "Hey, look at me." Spencer's puppy eyes met hers.
"Spencer Walter Reid. I love you. I love you as I never loved anyone, and I will never do," she said, leaning forward to kiss him deeply. Spencer wanted that; he felt like the happiest man on earth.
-
His dream was disturbed by Emily, who had a coffee for him in hand, and a go-bag with - presumably - his clothes.
"You should sleep on the couch there," she pointed to the room corner. "That chair is anything but comfortable."
After rubbing his eyes, Spencer shook his head.
"I'm not leaving her side. Thanks though," Spencer stated, grabbing the coffee and sipping it. Emily understood.
"Okay. So for you to know, the case is officially closed. We found the connection we had missed between Turpin and his accomplishes. They are going to face trial now," she recounted.
"What about what he did to (Y/N)?"
"The guy is dead, Spencer. And due it was a legit defense, (Y/N) won't have to worry about protocol or anything."
Spencer let out a deep breath. They both kept staring at (Y/N), her breathing steady.
"Do you think she would make it?" He asked suddenly. Prentiss sighed, looking at (Y/N) lying in bed.
"She is the toughest girl I have known. That gives me enough hope." Spencer nodded. He would cling to that.
"Did you know she didn't want me to move in with her in Boston? I was so angry. I didn't see she still felt insecure about us. I thought everything was going okay. I'm so stupid," Spencer lamented. He should have known, and that made him feel guilty.
"No, you are not. But it's true that (Y/N) felt still vulnerable, and all the what-ifs lingering on her," Emily acknowledged, sipping her own coffee. Spencer turned to see her.
"She told you that?" Emily frowned, contemplating her answer.
"Not quite. But I know."
Spencer nodded, slumping on the chair.
"I love her, Emily. What can I do to make her come back?"
Spencer wasn't talking only about (Y/N) waking up. Things between them weren't on the highest note. Even if she could make it, what would it mean to them?
"The same you're doing since you got together again. With love, support, and communication. I don't know what else could work," Emily shrugged. "The wounds could still be there, but the constant reminder that you have each other will be helpful to heal. To both of you," she added.
And Prentiss was right. She had known Spencer and (Y/N) for years. She witnessed how they fell in love and the ups and downs throughout the past years. Their love wasn't something it could be underestimated.
Spencer spent that night by (Y/N)'s side. A doctor came the next morning to check on her. It was a good thing she didn't seize in the past hours. The danger wasn't entirely gone, but things were improving. A sense of relief washed over Spencer. Relief but anxiety, too, about what's coming next.
A whole day passed, and the team showed up to get updates on (Y/N). Some teammates from the Boston office came too. Spencer asked Emily to call (Y/N)'s sister, Sara. He didn't dare to do it himself.
That night Spencer didn't sleep again, even if his eyes were heavy and his body numb from the hours spent on that chair.
His mind wandered to the months at Milburn and how he was convinced (Y/N) would leave him. He thought about what Valerie told him days ago, about him making sure (Y/N) would never feel unworthy again. He didn't want (Y/N) to think like that.
It was almost dawn when the tiredness got Spencer. He closed his eyes, not leaving the grasp on (Y/N)'s hand as the slumber found him. His brain conjured a beautiful moment in his sleep: the time he proposed to her in Rossi's backyard.
-
'Are you okay?' (Y/N) asked Spencer when she noticed his leg bouncing under the table.
'Yeah. I'm okay,' Spencer lied. He was a nervous wreck. The velvet box was burning a hole in his jacket pocket. He tried to do it before dinner, but the words failed him. Why was it so difficult? He wanted to marry her. But if she says no? They have talked about it but never got serious before.
After dessert, the team was still at the table, laughing at Garcia's jokes. Spencer excused himself, got up, and walked to the backyard. He needed to do it now. He texted JJ and asked her to tell (Y/N) to go outside.
Worried that something was wrong with Spencer, (Y/N) showed up quickly and found him under dimmed lights that hung from the trees on Rossi's patio. When Spencer saw her, he reached out his hand to take hers and make her come closer.
'What's this?' She asked, confused.
'My poor attempt to make this proposal romantic,' he chuckled, pointing to the lights.
'What?'
‘(Y/N). I have been in love with you for ages. I told you that after I got shot, and I wasn't lying. This time we have been together proved to me that you are the love of my life. And I want to spend the rest of my days with you.' (Y/N)'s eyes widened when Spencer got down to one knee, revealing the velvet box with a ring inside.
'Will you marry me?'
The whole team watched from the glass doors and cheered when (Y/N) said yes, and Spencer put the ring on her finger. After all those years, it was happening at last.
Little did they know things wouldn't work like it was supposed to.
-
Still deep in sleep, Spencer had his body contorted with his head resting on (Y/N) 's mattress —an arm over her lap with his hand holding hers. Spencer's hair was a messy bird's nest, and his clothes were entirely wrinkled.
"You look like crap."
That voice brought Spencer to reality.
As he perked his head up, Spencer noticed a pair of half-lidded eyes looking at him. (Y/N) was awake. Tears began to stream from Spencer's eyes. They were happy tears but filled with pent-up stress from the last couple of days.
"Oh, God," he mumbled, kissing her hand and standing to give (Y/N) his full attention.
(Y/N) returned a weary smile. It was great to be alive, despite her aching body.
"How - how are you feeling?" Spencer stuttered, unsure if it was a good idea to ask but desperate to hear her voice again.
"Like someone beat the shit out of me, I guess?" (Y/N) paused to let out a deep sigh before continuing. "How bad is it?"
(Y/N) didn't know the extent of her injuries. She didn't figure out either how much time had passed since they found them in that basement.
"You will be okay. Everything will be okay. You need the rest, though. Your healing process depends on it," Spencer responded, not giving details about her wounds. The doctor would do that later.
(Y/N) nodded and cleared her throat, feeling her mouth dry. Spencer noticed and quickly grabbed a cup of water from the bedside table. He helped her to take a couple of sips.
"What happened after I-?" (Y/N) trailed off.
The memories from the days at Turpin's mercy were coming back in pieces. "How is Valerie?"
(Y/N) didn't know; she fainted before the SWAT team helped Valerie to remove her restraints. (Y/N) wasn't sure either how badly that psycho had beaten her.
"Valerie is fine; she was discharged yesterday," Spencer informed.
"And Turpin's body?"
(Y/N) wanted to get all the information she missed, but maybe it was too soon. Spencer thought that.
"Hey, take it easy. Let's talk about that later, okay?"
(Y/N) nodded. Spencer was right. Also, the pain medication surely was getting effect on her because her eyes were feeling heavy and her body weary.
"I feel dizzy," (Y/N) mumbled, half awake, half asleep.
"That's why you need to rest. I'll inform the doctor to check on you later, okay?" Spencer kissed her hand again. (Y/N) couldn't respond because she was already asleep.
It was reassuring to have seen her awake. Spencer felt like he could breathe again. He hoped things would go well from here, and the doctor could say everything was in order. Before going for her, Spencer stared at (Y/N) as she slept. To see her face all bruised and the wounds on her body hurt more than if he had been hit. If he could have protected her somehow. If only all this could have been avoided.
Slowly Spencer left the room, closing the door behind him. The silence was quickly replaced by someone angrily calling his name. When he looked up, he saw (Y/N)'s sister approaching swiftly, a nurse behind her.
"What the fuck are you doing here?!"
The question was quickly accompanied by a nudge towards Spencer's shoulder. Spencer's eyes broadened; he could see all the anger in Sara's eyes.
"Miss, you can't do that-" the nurse tried to stop Sara, but she wasn't listening. Spencer froze on the spot. What could he say? He was very aware Sara didn't like him, but seeing her in that state was something else.
"I asked you a fucking question! What are you doing here? It's me who needs to be here, not you," Sara interjected.
"Sara-" Spencer started, but she cut him off before he could say something.
"You are the one to blame. How is that my sister ends kidnapped with your mistress, uh? Wasn't everything you made her suffer in the past enough?"
"What? Sara, that's not what happened," Spencer tried to explain, but Sara was already too agitated to try to reason.
"No? Wasn't my sister who got the brunt for defending that bitch? Uh?"
Spencer's tongue got caught in his mouth. How the hell did Sara know all of that? Sara let out a sarcastic laugh.
"You weren't expecting me to know that, right? And no, Emily didn't tell me. She is your friend, after all. She wouldn't do it. But the police down there were kind enough to enlighten me."
Of course. There is always a way. How to explain to her the intricacy of the whole thing now? Spencer could try, but they needed a long talk to do that.
"It's not that way, Sara. I can explain what really happened, but not here. Can we talk in another place, please?" Spencer tried to guide Sara down the hall where the cafeteria was; they could have more privacy there.
"Don't touch me! And no, I don't need you to explain to me anything! I know enough. I can't believe you, really," she huffed, stepping back from him. "You are the worst thing that happened to her. I thought you were decent, but you're just another scumb."
"I love (Y/N)!" Spencer defended, and that was the last straw for Sara.
"Don't you dare to say that! You don't have the right!"
A security guard stepped between them before Sara could lunge at Spencer.
"Miss, stop! I said stop!" the guard said as he put Sara at a distance. "You need to come with me; you're not staying here," he added.
"What?!" Sara asked in disbelief. Spencer intervened before the guy could take Sara out.
"No, no. It's okay. She is right. She is the one who has to be here. It's Miss (Y/L/N)'s sister," he confirmed. "I'm leaving now. Please, let her see her sister," Spencer requested.
Not very convinced, the guard looked at the nurse, who nodded, confirming Spencer's information. Only then did Sara calm down, lowering her arms and taking a deep breath.
"Okay. But please, if you make another turmoil, I'll have to get you out of the hospital," the guard warned. Sara nodded, looking now at the nurse, who reacted quickly.
"This way, miss," she told her, leading Sara toward (Y/N)'s room. As they passed, she barely glanced at Spencer when she spoke, only for him to hear.
"I don't want you near to her. Leave her alone."
With (Y/N)'s sister and the nurse out of sight, the security guard turned to Spencer.
"Are you okay, sir?" he asked empathetically. Spencer nodded.
"Ye - Yeah. She's her family and has the right to be mad at me," he mumbled, stuffing his hands in his pockets. The guard gave him a tight slipped smile before excusing himself from continuing his job.
Spencer didn't notice his hands were shaking. It was more than Sara's outburst. The words coming from her mouth gave Spencer a sense of drowning. He was the one to blame.
-
When (Y/N) woke up again, she hoped to see Spencer by her side. But instead, she saw Sara sitting in the same chair Spencer had done before. She was reading a book.
"Sara?" she mumbled. Her sister looked at her, a smile creeping on her face.
"Hey, it's good to see you awake," she replied, placing the book beside her.
"How long have I been out?" (Y/N) asked, trying to shift into a comfortable position. Sara checked her watch.
"When I arrived, you were already asleep. Then the doctor came to check on you. So I would say twelve hours or so," Sara noted.
It didn't feel that long, according to (Y/N). Her body still felt numb, although she was more conscious of her movements and surroundings.
"What did she say?"
"The doctor? She said you are doing great, considering," Sara informed.
Should she ask for Spencer? (Y/N) already suspected why he wasn't there, though.
As (Y/N) didn't say anything, Sara felt the need to break the silence.
"Jeez (Y/N), what the hell happened? Emily called me, but she didn't mention any detail," her sister recounted. (Y/N) sighed. "I almost freaked out when the cops outside told me you were in this pavilion. Who did this, sis?"
For (Y/N), it was a semi-rhetorical question, but she felt the urge to answer.
"A misogynist son of the bitch," she murmured. "But it's okay. It's over," (Y/N) hastened to say, knowing Sara always hated her job, especially the fieldwork and its consequences. For (Y/N), it was evident Sara wanted to say something about it, but their conversation was cut off by a nurse who entered to check on her.
"Agent (Y/L/N). How are you feeling?"
The next hours were pretty much the same. (Y/N) still would dozen off quickly after waking up. From time to time, a nurse would come to take her vitals and fill her chart as her sister kept her company.
The following day, (Y/N)'s doctor did a new medical check. The results were good enough to allow her to be transferred to a new room in the non-critical patient ward.
(Y/N) was grateful for having her sister there but felt uneasy when the time passed and Spencer didn't show. She needed to talk to him but was afraid to ask.
The opportunity came when Prentiss visited her two days later.
"You look way better," Emily stated.
"Don't lie. I look like a fucking pushing ball," (Y/N) groaned.
"A pushing ball in a healing process," Emily corrected, chuckling. "What did the doctor say?"
"She says (Y/N) would be able to leave in a week or so," Sara - who was there too - responded.
"That's great!"
"Yeah. It will be a way long week, though," (Y/N) whined, sighing.
Emily sensed some of (Y/N) 's discomfort. And she suspected why too. Emily talked to Spencer, and he mentioned his no-friendly encounter with Sara. The question was if (Y/N) knew what had happened.
When silence settled in the room, (Y/N)'s sister realized maybe they needed some privacy.
"I'm going to grab a coffee. Want some?" She asked Prentiss.
"No, thank you. I'm fine."
Once Sara was out of sight, (Y/N) immediately shot the question.
"Okay. What happened? I know there is something with Spencer, but Sara won't tell me anything."
Emily shook her head, sitting on the bed's edge.
"Let's say Sara didn't take very well to seeing Spencer here under these circumstances."
"Where is he now?" (Y/N) asked worriedly. Emily chuckled.
"It's a little bizarre, to be honest. Spencer has spent the whole week here but hidden from Sara's sight. He talks to the nurses and your doctor as well, and they give him updates on your health state. The nurses love him because they find the whole situation like a modern version of Romeo and Juliet." (Y/N) chuckled. Bizarre asides, it was adorable.
"Emily, what should I do? Last time I checked, I wasn't a teenager." Prentiss nodded.
"I know. But Spencer doesn't want to be a problem for you knowing Sara is here. And, well, considering the things she said to him, he has been feeling very guilty."
(Y/N) frowned. She wasn't surprised about Sara's temper, but with her dislike for Spencer, the combination could be lethal.
"What did she say to him?"
"I don't think it's my position to tell you about it. It's your sister, (Y/N). You need to figure it out and ask her. And you have to decide how you want to get to terms in this matter."
Prentiss was right on that. Although the mess between Sara and Spencer, she was the one who needed to cut it off. (Y/N) loves her sister and appreciates her concern, but it was her life and her decisions, and she must know that.
Before Emily left, (Y/N) asked her a favor.
-
That night (Y/N) kept thinking about what she wanted to do. She decided to talk to Sara the next morning to clear things up. Sara should know what (Y/N) wanted for her life.
"Can we talk?" (Y/N) asked her sister when she peeked in that morning.
"Sure. What's it?" Sara grabbed a chair and sat close to (Y/N)'s bed.
"You already know," (Y/N) pointed. Sara huffed with discomfort, leaning back in the chair.
"It took you long enough."
"What happened, Sara?"
"What? Emily didn't tell you?"
"No, in fact, she didn't. And I want to hear it from you."
Sara nodded. After crossing her leg over her knee, she described what had happened when she saw Spencer in the hospital that afternoon.
"Was I too rough? Yes. Do I regret it? Not at all," Sara finished.
"It wasn't like that. That was my decision, Sara. And I know the outcome wasn't something pleasant to anyone, but Spencer doesn't have any blame for that," (Y/N) explained. Sara shook her head.
"You know I'm not only talking about you being kidnapped and tortured."
"About that, you know I decided to give it a try. I truly appreciate your concern and know you don't want me to get hurt again. But I love Spencer, Sara. And in the time we have been together, he earned my trust back. It's true I still had doubts, but they were because of my own insecurities. Valerie managed to get that to surface, and I never did o say anything to voice that feeling," (Y/N) chuckled to herself. "You know? It's the first time I admit it aloud, and I feel relieved."
"But Spencer was the one who brought Valerie into your life. Of course, he is responsible."
(Y/N) knew Sara was right in the facts, but her point was different.
"It could have been anyone at any time. Don't think I haven't thought about it," she tried to explain. Sara raised an eyebrow.
"And your conclusion?"
"I can't stay between four walls expecting not to be hurt again. Not if it means running away from the chance to be happy. Life is so fragile that I don't want to waste another minute running and hiding."
(Y/N)'s eyes filled with tears, and her heart with love for the man she knew was her forever. Her sister noticed. How couldn't she? It didn't matter if she disliked him; Spencer was de the man (Y/N) chose.
"He is a lucky bastard," Sara mumbled. (Y/N) chuckled.
"I know he'll agree with you," (Y/N) teased.
"If not, I'm going to kill him for real," Sara warned as (Y/N) shook her head. After some seconds of silence, (Y/N) spoke, giving puppy eyes to her sister.
"Can you call him, please?"
"What? I would prefer not to," she responded. (Y/N) pouted.
"Come on, it's what your beautiful sister wants. Please?"
Sara pressed her lips together, trying not to give in. (Y/N) narrowed her eyes to her.
"Sara, if you don't call him, I will get up from this bed and look for him myself," (Y/N) forewarned.
"What? You can't do that! You're injured, for God's sake," Sara shrieked.
"Sure I won't," (Y/N) defied, sitting in the bed, swinging her feet out of the covers.
"Hey, hey. Stop! Okay!"
(Y/N) halted her doing but looked at her sister with a raised eyebrow.
"I'll go to get him, okay? Just don't get up. I don't want to see you almost bare walking through the hospital corridors. Besides, maybe he is not here either."
"And whose fault would that be?" (Y/N) whined, and her sister rolled her eyes.
"I insist it's not a good idea, but who can change your mind anyway?" Sara huffed before leaving the room.
-
Emily wasn't joking when she told (Y/N) the nurses loved Spencer. They did check on him constantly in the corner of the waiting room where he spent most of the time. They warned him when (Y/N) 's sister was near, and in the past few days, they even allowed him to take naps in a room the doctors have on that floor for that very purpose.
He was doing precisely that when Ashley - one of the nurse's staff - woke him up.
"Doctor Reid? Someone wants to see you."
Thinking it could be Emily, he stood quickly and left the room, rubbing his eyes.
"Spencer?" Sara called. It wasn't a sweet tone but quiet enough not to make a fuss in the hospital corridor. Immediately Spencer opened his eyes and straightened his posture.
"Uh. Sara. Hey. I wasn't- I -" He stuttered, regaining consciousness. He wasn't expecting to see her, and considering her instructions to stay away, Spencer didn't want another fight.
"Don't. I don't want to hear it. I'm only here because she wants to see you," Sara cut him off.
"(Y/N) wants to-?" Spencer tried to follow Sara's words. She nodded, crossing her arms over her chest.
"That's what I said. And even if my better judgment still tells me I should kick your ass, I won't do something against my sister's wishes."
In that matter, Sara was right. She still didn't like Spencer and blamed him for many things that caused pain (Y/N). But despite that, she loves (Y/N) and respects her decisions.
Spencer nodded appreciatively in silence while straightening his clothes. Before Sara changed her opinion, he walked toward (Y/N)'s room.
(Y/N)'s lips formed into a smile when Spencer peeked through the door.
"Hey," he mumbled, closing the door behind him.
"Hey, Romeo," (Y/N) teased, shifting to a sitting position. Spencer chuckled, eyes to the floor, embarrassed.
"How are you feeling?" he asked shyly, not getting too close in case (Y/N) didn't want it. Sara's words still reverberated in his mind.
"Much better. The doctor said it would take some time, but I'm gonna be okay. But for what I was told, you already know that," (Y/N) commented. Spencer smiled, cheeks tinting in a red shade.
"Kind of. They told me you were getting better, but it's different when you say it."
A silence settled in the room. (Y/N) could see Spencer's reluctance to approach. With hands in his pockets, he stood there at a safe distance from her. (Y/N) knew why.
"Spencer, please, forgive Sara. She is having a hard time," (Y/N) tried to explain. Spencer bit his lower lip, nodding.
"I know. I know," he acknowledged. "She is not wrong, though," he added. (Y/N)'s eyes enlarged.
"What? No! In fact, she's wrong. You didn't kidnap me or beat me. It was Turpin," (Y/N) reasoned.
That was a fact, but (Y/N) already suspected it was more than that.
"That's the only thing we can blame another person for, but everything before? Sara hates me, and she is right," he voiced, averting his gaze from (Y/N)'s.
"Do you really think that?" She questioned, fearing the answer.
It was a conversation they needed to have. A conversation that was transpiring months way late and not in a better setting, but it has to be done.
"That your sister hates me, and she's right?" Spencer scoffed and posed like it was obvious.
"And you are the worst thing that could have happened to me. Because that's what she told you, isn't it?"
Spencer gulped hard. Those were Sara's words, indeed. Does he believe them, though? The most important thing: does (Y/N) believe them?
"Yeah. That. She is your sister; she must know and be right about that."
(Y/N)' s eyes softened. She recognized that look—the same look of self-deprecation and shrinking she had after Valerie's words that night at the bar.
"You can't really think that. And not because you cannot be able to sabotage yourself - a thing I know you do. You can't because it's not true."
Spencer downcasted his gaze. It was hard to believe he wasn't responsible for a brunch of (Y/N)'s painful moments.
"Damn it, Spencer! Some of the best days of my life have been with you!" (Y/N) blurted, trying to make her point. And in some way, she succeeded as Spencer's eyes met hers.
"But I hurt you. And I still do! I promised you not to. And I stupidly thought it was time to move forward when you weren't ready and still had doubts. What kind of boyfriend could I be if I can't notice that?"
His hands, previously tucked in his pockets, now ran through his hair. The gesture told (Y/N) how troubled he felt.
"Well. I didn't say anything, either," she indicated to erase some of the weight Spencer was putting on him.
"It doesn't matter, (Y/N). I should have known."
Spencer's arms slumped to his sides. He still wanted to torture himself because he felt he deserved it.
"And for that, you are going to give up?"
Those words made him frown in confusion. Give up what?
"Uh?"
(Y/N) sighed, reaching for his hand so he could come closer. Spencer hesitated for a second but then gave in, holding her hand and sitting beside her on the mattress. To feel her touch was strange and comforting at the same time.
"Spencer. We have been through a lot these months since we decided we could try this. And even if not everything has gone perfectly, God! I'm so glad we did!"
(Y/N)'s voice was filled with emotion. Recounting the past months, she felt nothing but happy about their time together.
"Me too! But I can't stop thinking I didn't do enough to fix what I broke when I pushed you away for Valerie."
(Y/N) shook her head, stroking Spencer's hand lovingly.
"Don't say that. You have done enough. The thing is, you can't expect to fix something like that on your own. Yeah, the reassurance helps, but it's not the only thing to be done. I mean, I always told you how therapy or talking to another person could help you confront what happened in jail. Still, it seems I didn't listen to my own advice," (Y/N) mused, bringing Spencer's hand to her lips to kiss it.
"What changed?" He asked, now playing with her fingers in his.
"When I was in that basement, at some point, I thought we wouldn't make it. And the fact I would never see you again almost broke me. I think that was an efficient wake-up call," (Y/N) explained, smiling sadly.
"I'm sorry. I should have been faster locating Turpin to save you from him," Spencer apologized, remembering the frustration during the hours they were in the dark on how to catch the unsub.
"You did save me, Spencer, even if you didn't pull the trigger."
Spencer tilted his head in confusion. How did he do that? (Y/N) noticed he didn't understand what she said.
"My mind focused on the most important moments we had shared. I conjured every memory that reminded me why I'm so in love with you. That kept me strong."
Spencer's eyes turned glassy. Jesus, the woman in front of him, went through hell in the past days and was there, alive and declaring her love for him. Did he deserve that?
"(Y/N), you're already the strongest woman I know. You did this by yourself," Spencer tried to refute as (Y/N) shook her head.
"Believe me. At some point, my inner strength wasn't enough. It's true when I tell you motivation is a powerful source. And you were mine. The chance to tell you 'I love you' and 'I trust you' encouraged me to survive," she meant.
"You do?" Spencer asked, almost choking with the tears he tried to keep at bay.
"Yes, my love. And I needed to tell you. I couldn't have died before that. I would never have forgiven myself if I didn't. I love you, and I trust you," (Y/N) declared, not breaking eye contact with Spencer. Now his tears ran free down his cheeks as he brought (Y/N) 's hand to his lips to kiss it. A gesture that told (Y/N) they were getting there.
"I love you, and I trust you, too," he murmured, lolling at the softness of her hand on his lips. "And I'm sorry if I made you think I didn't."
"It wasn't only about the possibility you could cheat or disrespect me. It was the idea you couldn't trust me about what you were feeling. Because we both know when things between us started to go down, and it was before Valerie," (Y/N) explained, and Spencer nodded in understanding.
"Jail," he filled in.
"Why didn't you tell me what was happening then? I asked myself that so many times, and my conclusion was you didn't trust me anymore. And that our love was dying. I feared it was the end. And then Valerie came into your life. Yeah, it could be easier to blame her for snatching you from me. But I kept silently blaming myself."
Spencer was about to say something, but (Y/N) didn't let him.
"Yes. We talked about it, and you explained why you pushed me away. But my mind kept lingering with the idea I wasn't enough for you. The box of all my insecurities exploded wide open. And that's why Valerie's words touched a nerve so deep in me."
Spencer's grasp of her hands tightened, trying to convey how badly he wanted to hold her and push away her insecurities.
"Valerie told me what she said to you that night. And it is the farthest from the truth. (Y/N), I wasn't tired of you. I wasn't expecting an excuse to leave you. I just wanted to keep you safe from the beast I thought I became. And I'm so sorry because now I can truly see how it hurt you," Spencer recognized.
"It's okay, Spencer. Things could be different now, or I least wish that," (Y/N) 's voice was hopeful. Spencer nodded eagerly.
"They could, and they will. I promise. I will do anything to spare you from feeling that again. Baby, I love you as I had never loved someone. You are the light of my life. My best friend, my lover, the person I want to be with for the rest of my life. And this time, love, it will be really at your pace," Spencer vowed.
(Y/N) grinned, feeling the butterflies erupting in her stomach. That was what she needed to take the leap of faith. No more running, no more hiding. Spencer mirrored her grin, rubbing her cheek lovingly. Their eyes were talking in silence and promising forever love.
"I would really love it if you kissed me now," (Y/N) whispered. Spencer chuckled.
"Yes, ma'am."
Slowly he leaned, tenderly cupping (Y/N)'s cheeks. She closed her eyes, breath picking up in anticipation. When their lips touched, every doubt and every insecurity melted away. And instead, the kiss made way for the fire that had always glowed between them. The flame that brought them together the first time has remained lit.
(Y/N)'s hands flew to grab Spencer's shirt. The sensation of his lips on her was so intense that she felt lightheaded.
They would have continued showing their love for each other if the need for breath hadn't been so strong. Several I love yous were blurted as they parted briefly before kept kissing.
At some point (Y/N) reluctantly ended the kiss to rest her forehead on his.
"I want to go home," (Y/N) mumbled, her eyes closed, basking in the feeling of Spencer's breath fanning her face.
Spencer leaned back a bit to look at her. His eyes softened. It was a fair wish, although that reminded him they were still in a long-distance relationship. But Spencer had already promised (Y/N) to go at her pace, so he didn't want to overwhelm her.
"You will, but you need to recover first," he pointed, caressing her cheek. (Y/N) sighed.
"Will you take me home?" she asked, looking at him hopefully. Spencer nodded.
"Of course. I will rent a car and drive us to Boston as soon as your doctor discharges you," he promised.
"No. Don't do that," (Y/N) requested. Spencer narrowed his eyes.
"Why not? The doctor will not allow you to fly yet," Spencer tried to reason.
"I know that," (Y/N) acknowledged. "I was talking about driving us to Boston," she clarified. Spencer was more confused now.
"(Y/N), you said you wanted to go home," he reminded her. (Y/N) smiled.
"Yeah. To go home, with you, in DC," (Y/N) explained. Spencer's eyes widened.
"What?! DC? You mean, as long as you can heal the injuries, right?" Spencer wanted to clarify. (Y/N) giggled, knowing Spencer wouldn't assume her real wish until she said it loud and clear.
"No, baby. I want to stay in DC as long as you'll have me. Spencer, I can't be away from you for another minute. I don't want to either. You're my home; our history and friends are in DC. That's my home."
"But- your life in Boston? Your job?" Spencer stuttered. (Y/N) grabbed his hands in hers and squeezed them.
"It doesn't matter. Believe me, none of that is something I want to keep. Not when my heart is with you," (Y/N) reassured. Spencer was still processing her words.
"Are- are you serious? We don't have to do this. I mean, I can be the one who could move to Boston," Spencer reminded her.
"I know. But there is no reason for me to stay there. Adrian was right; I went to Boston because I was running and hiding from what had happened. I don't have to do that anymore."
Spencer's confusion morphed into happiness.
"God, I love you," he blurted before trapping her lips in a sweet kiss. (Y/N) giggled into the kiss.
"I love you, too," (Y/N) responded once they parted. "And I really want this. Back then, we decided we could try, and against the odds, we made it. Now it's time to go home. Together. Please, take me home," she asked him with hopeful eyes. Spencer smiled and nodded.
"Let's go home then," he whispered before kissing her forehead.
They both were ready for the next chapter of their lives.
We Could Try (Part 7): Holding On (Spencer Reid x Fem!BAU!Reader)
(Not my gif. Credits to the creator!)
------------------
Author Masterlist / Clueless (prequel)
Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5 / Part 6 / Part 7 / Part 8 / Part 9
------------------
Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!BAU!Reader
Summary: Valerie and Reader were kidnapped by the unsub. They need to keep strong if they want to survive. Is (Y/N)'s training enough to ensure her and Valerie's safety?
Word Count: 4.3k
Warnings: Angst. Case's description. A hostage situation with blows, cuts, and blood is described—CM usual stuff. If I forgot something, let me know.
A/N: Hi there! Another chapter is here! A lot of angst in this one. What do you think will happen with Reader and Valerie?
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When (Y/N) woke up, she immediately felt an intense pain in the back of her head. Fluttering her eyes open, she could barely see anything. It was dark and cold. She was on the floor with her back against a concrete post. Wiggling her hands, she noticed she was tied up.
Wait. Was she alone? Where is Valerie?
As a cue, (Y/N) heard a groan coming from the opposite side of the room.
"Valerie? Are you okay?"
The question could be wishful thinking, but if (Y/N) could hear a response, it was something.
“(Y/N)? I'm here. He tied me to a post. I can't free my hands," Valerie described. The sound of chains told (Y/N) they were in the same situation.
"Are you hurt?"
"I don't think so. He gave me something to pass out, though," Valerie pointed with worry.
Unfortunately (Y/N) couldn't say the same. Turpin knocked her out with the back of his gun, and (Y/N) fell to the floor. She didn't know if he drugged her, but the sour taste on her tongue made her suspect he did.
"They will know where we are, right?" Valerie questioned after some minutes of silence. That question lingered in (Y/N) 's mind.
Where were they? How much time has passed? Of the darkness surrounding them, she figured out it was night already. Probably Turpin changed location. But where?
"I guess they will," (Y/N) mumbled. But her main concern wasn't if the team could track them or not; it was if they would be on time.
Time. Something she would have to buy somehow.
-
The team gathered in the precinct with nothing. They realized Conrad wasn't the unsub, and neither was Garner. But something with them was off. The connection to the victims couldn't be a mere coincidence.
"Where is (Y/N)?" Spencer asked when he stepped into the meeting room and didn't see (Y/N) or Valerie. Green frowned.
"They haven't returned from Turpin's house," he pointed. Emily dialed (Y/N) 's number to verify her location. Nothing. Straight to voicemail. Green tried with Valerie's. Same result.
It was odd. Nobody believed (Y/N) and Valerie would enjoy spending time together, so it was only common sense that they would return as soon as possible.
Spencer was anxious, and the rest started to feel the same way. Anything could have happened. Not that (Y/N) really pushed Valerie from the car, did she?
"Could they have found something?" Emily wondered. Calling Garcia, they demanded more information about Turpin. In the meantime, Rossi, Luke, and Tara headed to Turpin's house.
When Garcia called back, things didn't enhance; quite the opposite.
"Guys. I don't know what this means, but I found something."
The announcement told them that something was wrong.
The suspicions were confirmed when Penelope revealed details of Turpin's life that could unease anyone. The team saw all the red flags the same way (Y/N) realized she was in front of the unsub.
How could they have missed it? How could anyone have suspected Turpin before?
When Rossi called, telling neither (Y/N) nor Valerie nor Turpin were there, the alarms barreled right in their ears.
Spencer wanted to punch someone, and Green was the perfect candidate.
"How can you have a man like that consulting? Did nobody notice anything irregular about him before?!"
Green looked at Spencer in annoyance. He wouldn't take responsibility for the potential loss of an agent and a doctor during an ongoing investigation.
"The police never had reason to doubt Dr. Turpin. Neither did you until now," Green added defensively.
It may be a poor justification, but it didn't absolve the team from the blame.
"Now we are responsible?!" Spencer barked.
Before the situation could escalate, Emily intervened.
"Hey! There's no use doing what you're doing. I know it's frustrating for everyone, but our priority now is to find Agent (Y/L/N) and Dr. Smith before Turpin can harm them."
Spencer ran his hands through his hair. This was a nightmare. What were the chances of something like this happening? He just prayed that (Y/N) was okay. That also applied to Valerie. Not because there was any particular concern on Spencer's part for Valerie, but because he knew both of them: an untrained Valerie could do worse in a hostage situation, and (Y/N) would take the consequences in alas to protect her. Spencer knew (Y/N) 's work ethic was stronger than any issue she could have with someone. Valerie, in this circumstance.
-
What would be Turpin's plan? (Y/N) wondered. So far, he has spent two years killing people without getting caught. And now it was clear he would be in the eye of the storm with an FBI agent and a doctor missing.
Did he think he would get rid of them and commit the perfect crime?
(Y/N) reviewed Turpin's profile. Experienced, methodical, a lot of self-confidence, constantly increasing the risk. What would be his end game? He might have been trying to get more media coverage now that the police had linked the murders. Be that as it may, the chances of getting out alive were slim. Turpin would not back down from the threat of arrest. It was more important to him to be remembered as someone who defied the authorities and was not intimidated by them. Nor was he a suicide who would end his life to avoid being arrested. The same FBI would have to kill him so that he would remain in history as one of the greatest murderers of recent times.
Creaking footsteps on a wooden staircase brought (Y/N) out of her thoughts. After hearing a switch flick, a faint light illuminated the room. That gave (Y/N) the confirmation they were indeed in a basement. Narrowing her eyes and looking to her left, she located Valerie tied up the same way she was. Both women looked at each other, trying to conceal the fear of what could happen.
Seconds later, Dr. Turpin was in front of (Y/N), a smug smile on his face.
"Agent (Y/L/N), I would like to apologize for the rudeness I used to convince you to come here," the man spoke, crouching to see if (Y/N) was indeed awake.
"I guess I didn't have many options, did I? "(Y/N) muttered, knowing that to buy time, she had to make herself an attractive target for Turpin.
It was risky anyway because just one misstep was enough, and the man could kill her in two seconds.
Turpin chuckled, standing and looking at (Y/N) with amusement.
"No. You didn't. That's true. You are a clever girl. It's a shame that I have to kill you anyway."
Intimidate. Shows superiority and control. Makes clear he has already decided your destiny, and your life is insignificant. A narcissist with a God complex. Misogynic?
(Y/N) examined all of Turpin's features in her head to find any weaknesses.
"Why?"
"Because I bet you didn't expect to come face to face with the killer you've been after for over a year," Turpin pointed, grabbing his gun from his belt and inspecting it in such detail as if he needed to be sure it was perfect for him to use it.
"That's is how you consider yourself? A killer?"
(Y/N) tried not to show much of her emotions seeing the gun in his hands. She was trained for this. She needed to stay calm.
"That's what I heard. People can't be wrong, right?"
Turpin used sarcasm to point out his difference from the rest of the world. (Y/N) noticed how his body showed annoyance and disgust.
"It depends. Maybe people judged you wrong. Myself included." (Y/N) tried to play humbled; maybe he could see in her someone to lecture. That could buy some time.
"Come on, agent (Y/L/N). I read the profile you made. I know what you're thinking. And the 'be a friend' or 'show empathy' strategy won't work with me."
He wants to show he knows about police work. Using the same terms and making clear he won't be fooled. Anticipation. He needs to anticipate.
"You read my profile? Why?"
"Curiosity. I wanted to know what kind of lies you could say about us."
(Y/N) analyzed his words: some unsubs tend to speak in a plural (we/us), others in a singular (I/me). That does not necessarily have to do with the number of people involved in the illicit. It often indicates whether the motivations are purely personal or related to a collective claim. Turpin's God complex wasn't linked only to him. It was a group he wanted to vindicate.
"So they are lies?"
"They are. You don't know nothing," Turpin huffed.
"Why you don't tell me more about it?"
The man frowned this time. He realized (Y/N) was trying to get him talking. Without warning, he hit her face with his gun butt. The blow was so strong that (Y/N) 's body landed on the ground. The chains that kept her hands tied to the pillar behind her shook, making a loud noise. Valerie, who was watching the scene in tense silence, couldn't help the shocked gasp that left her lips.
"Enough! You don't get to tell me what to do. Do you hear me?!"
(Y/N) felt dizzy and couldn't move. A whistle settled in her ear, and she could barely hear Turpin's words. She only nodded in agreement so she didn't have to endure another hit. (Y/N) knew she had pressed too soon.
Turpin hummed, satisfied with his doing: (Y/N) bleeding on the floor, and Valerie with a shocked look. After flashing a smirk at Valerie to increase her fear, he perched the gun on his belt and left the room.
Once Turpin shut the door and locked it, (Y/N) groaned from the pain. She felt the blood pouring from her mouth.
Her bet inclined for a broken tooth.
"What were you doing? You made him mad. He could have killed you!" Valerie whisper-shouted.
"Testing probabilities," (Y/N) mumbled, recovering part of her senses.
'So, you can get an alfa-narcissistic showing non-narcissistic behavior even when he's in a natural setting in front of another alfa subject?' (Y/N) asked in disbelief. Spencer's mouth opened slowly. (Y/N) knew that was his tell of a big rant coming.
'I read an article detailing research with treatment and control groups in two settings: college students and prisoners. They chose a narcissistic alpha and put him to develop an argument with a group that mixed alphas and non-alphas. In college students - a favorable environment - empathic attitudes rose by 40% when a non-alpha pointed to the narcissist's superiority and 60% when an alpha did. In the inmates - an unfavorable environment - empathic attitudes rose 20% with non-alphas and 40% with alphas in the group,' Spencer explained as they were walking from the metro station to their apartment. (Y/N) smiled, seeing him talking with such enthusiasm.
'So if you show genuine interest in the narcissist, it is possible to appeal to them through learning,' (Y/N) concluded, and Spencer beamed.
'Exactly! You become a potential worth of their attention,' Spencer pointed out.
Still in her dizziness (Y/N) 's brain conjured that image of Spencer. Smiling and with sparkling eyes. It was the moment (Y/N) knew she wanted to spend the rest of her life with him.
"Jeez. It's like listening to Spencer talking. I don't know if that helps right now," Valerie puffed. The familiarity didn't go unnoticed.
Unbelievable how so many things happened after that day. It could be forever ago, but for (Y/N), it's still one of her favorite memories.
-
JJ found Spencer in an empty office. He was pacing from one corner to another, running his hands through his hair. Looking at JJ on the threshold, Spencer's pace stopped. He knew why she was there. After the outburst with Green, Prentiss sent him to cool down. Now Emily sent JJ to check on him.
"She was right all the time. And now she could die at the hands of that same psychopath. It's not fair."
His shaky voice only added distress to the scene. Spencer felt useless, and that feeling was eating him alive.
JJ wanted, by all means, to try to say something to help him. But she knew about this job, and so did Spencer. Lying to him was not an option.
"We're doing our best, Spencer. And (Y/N) is a trained agent; she knows the risks and will try to keep Turpin at bay."
That was true. It wouldn't be the first time (Y/N) found herself in a hostage situation. Spencer knew how cold-blooded she could be, but this was different. Neither she nor he was in their best setting, especially with Valerie in the middle.
"I know. But for how long? I like to think Turpin hasn't hurt them yet, but how long? And I'm here, unable to do my job. How can I be worthy of her if I can't even keep her safe?"
Spencer knew that time was pressing, and he needed to put effort into locating (Y/N) and Valerie, but neither his body nor his mind was cooperating. The mere fear that everything was lost paralyzed him.
JJ approached and put a comforting hand on Spencer's shoulder.
"Don't say that. (Y/N) knows you would do anything for her. It's true things between you both have been weird lately, but I'm sure you can make it through."
"There are so many things I want to tell her, JJ. I just want a chance," Spencer sniffled.
"Hold on to that wish and help us, Spence. We need you to get to find her," JJ whispered encouragingly.
She learned that if Spencer could focus, they had a better chance of getting closer to Turpin's whereabouts faster. Spencer comprehended better than anyone the profile that (Y/N) built and the evidence of the last cases.
For his part, Spencer knew that JJ was right. He was selfish in focusing on his misery when he could be doing something to help. He owed it to (Y/N).
Luke entered the office suddenly.
"Guys, Garcia is calling, and it looks like she has news."
Spencer and JJ looked at each other and got up quickly to follow Luke into the meeting room. Once with the rest of the team, Prentiss signaled to Penelope that she could report her findings.
"Okay, after very nasty research, I found something that may help. Conrad and Garner have had secret meetings with Turpin in recent months. These have been on properties tied to Conrad and Garner but through their in-laws. This means that they are not followable by their last names. Dr. Turpin has not been in any of them for more than an hour, allowing him to move quickly from different parts of the city."
"Could be (Y/N) and Valerie in one of those properties?" Rossi pressed.
"Not likely," Spencer mused. "Based on (Y/N) 's profile, he would be keen to choose a place with meaning. Conrad and Garner are only the suppliers and apprentices."
"But none of the properties tied to Turpin seems to fit. And it would be reckless to use them if he knows we already identify him," Tara argued.
"Wait a minute," Emily piped. "This guy has been moving between States. There is nothing close to a comfort zone in the geographical profile."
Spencer's eyes widened with realization.
"The trophies! That's what it is!" Spencer shouted, moving to the board where the map was.
"What? What is it, Reid?" Luke interjected.
"Turpin's signature is the marked trail on the bodies. But what he takes? None of the victims had lost items," Spencer remarked, showing the pics taken from the dumpsites.
"Then it is something that he does, not what he takes," Rossi added, following Spencer's train of thought.
"The locations. He kills them in an important location for the victims. That is what he takes: the happy places of the victims he kills. That could explain why the disposal sites were so random. The place's meaning is something only the victim could understand," Spencer ranted. The team started to put the pieces together.
Many of the dumpsites were near buildings that must have been important to the victims: the church where the first victim made her first communion, the school where the second victim met her husband, and the building where the third victim wanted to buy an apartment. And so on.
But now the team was at a new crossroads: where did Turpin take Valerie and (Y/N) when neither of them lived or had lived in New York?
What could be out there that would serve as a location in this case? They would have to think quickly about options as time was running out.
-
The basement's darkness made it impossible to tell if it was day or night, but (Y/N) managed to see some light through a small crack in the wall. It was an indication that made her think it was daytime. How many hours had they been in that place? (Y/N) estimated at least two full days. She could feel the dried blood caked on her face and the bruises on her arms and feet. Nothing could be done to soothe her body's aching, so she focused on any idea of what to do to not die in that basement.
A muffled sniffle distracted (Y/N) from her thoughts.
"We are going to die here, right?" Valerie asked, now looking in (Y/N) 's direction.
"I hope not. We need to keep calm, though. To save energy for whatever would come next." (Y/N) was sincere; it was better to be straight so Valerie could understand the situation. Even if she wasn't in law enforcement, Valerie knew a few things that could be useful in this situation.
"Why are you being considerate to me? You just could drop me under the bus with this guy. Telling him to kill me first or not talk to me at all," Valerie asked. She wasn't naive and knew the displeasure she brought to (Y/N).
"No one deserves something like this, not even you," (Y/N) pointed, contorting a bit to relax some of her muscles. Valerie chuckled bitterly. After some quiet minutes, she spoke again.
"I know I did my part in it, but he never told me why he distanced himself from you at the beginning. And I never questioned, although if I think about it, it doesn't make sense."
(Y/N) looked at her suspiciously. Was she really asking about her relationship with Spencer?
"I don't think I should be talking to you about that. Not considering what happened," (Y/N) replied curtly. Valerie nodded.
"I know. I'm the last person you would talk to about that. It's just that - I don't know. I see how he looks at you and how protective he becomes when it's about you. It's hard to think he considered not to love you at some point."
(Y/N) didn't say anything, but deep inside, she knew that questioning very well. She spent nights without sleep trying to decipher why Spencer opted to push her away. The time spent in prison was a huge stressor for Spencer, but she thought they were making progress. On those nights (Y/N) mulled the idea of not being enough for him. Valerie in the picture was like a confirmation of her fears.
Now, none of that mattered. Things might not end well for her and Valerie. (Y/N) clearly saw the irony of the situation.
As the basement door opened, (Y/N) didn't have to look to know it was Turpin and that there would be less talking and more pain this time.
"Let me tell you, I didn't expect to be in this situation yet, but I'm pretty glad. I thought the FBI was better prepared and would put the pieces together faster. But hey, here we are. Do you still think I'm an overbearing narcissist looking for recognition?"
Turpin opened a briefcase and placed various medical instruments on a rolling table as he spoke. (Y/N) kept quiet, hoping Turpin would want to brag more.
"With you, I will have to give my best. I must take care of my reputation. What do you say, agent (Y/L/N)? Are you ready to bleed a little more? Are you prepared to see how your life flashes before your eyes? Maybe I'm even doing you a favor."
(Y/N) internally debated how much emotion it would be okay to show. She didn't want to look completely hopeless, something Turpin would truly enjoy, but she also didn't want to look too calm to ignite his anger.
"Why to bother with me, Dr. Turpin? I'm nobody," (Y/N) muttered. Turpin chuckled.
"Really? Successful FBI agent with an ascending career in the Boston department? I'm sure you think you're better than anyone," Turpin mocked, waving a sharp knife in front of (Y/N)'s face.
"I could do better. I'm not as good as I seem."
This was the move that (Y/N) could use to show interest in Turpin's teachings.
Turpin frowned and looked at (Y/N) carefully. He knew enough about psychology to be suspicious of (Y/N)'s words.
"Is that so? Won't you try to play the hero like FBI agents usually do?" Turpin asked, glancing from her to Valerie. (Y/N)'s stomach wrenched, knowing what his words implied.
"I have no advantage or guarantee in doing so. Here you are the one in charge. You set the rules, and my belonging to the FBI cannot do anything about it."
Turpin just laughed. He was going to test his theory. Grabbing his knife, he walked over to Valerie. She barely dared to breathe. Of the hours they had spent in that cellar, Turpin had hardly paid any attention to her. Now Valerie felt that she would have preferred it stayed that way. Seeing Turpin's eyes with dilated pupils and his Machiavellian smile made her quiver.
"Don't be scared, doctor Smith; you know what an experiment is. Only this time you will be the guinea pig," he announced before hitting her with his fist. Valerie cried out as she felt the blow in her face. (Y/N) cringed, seeing the blood pooling from Valerie's mouth.
"You don't need to test us. We are indeed at your mercy!" (Y/N) argued, knowing that Turpin didn't think to stop.
"Oh yeah? I know that. I'm just proving how vane your words are," he said, landing another blow at Valerie, who, this time, let her body fall to the ground, groaning in pain and begging Turpin to stop. But he didn't and kept asserting blows to Valerie, alternating with cuts in her arms and legs.
(Y/N)'s breathing quickened, and she didn't know what to do to stop him. Her instinct told (Y/N) that Turpin should turn his attention to her, though she knew what that meant. At least she felt trained to hold on a little longer, not so Valerie.
"You bastard. Why don't you try to mess with someone who doesn't be this vulnerable, uh? Fucking coward! Like all your other victims. Always choosing the weakest ones to make it easier for you, right? You wouldn't know what to do if it wasn't!" (Y/N) yelled. And that made the desired effect. Turpin stopped and turned to see (Y/N). A wicked grin on his face.
"Oh, it's that so?" He said, now approaching. (Y/N) gulped.
"Yes. Maybe I'm weak and not as good as I should, but at least not a scumb like you!"
"Shut up! Nobody calls me like that! You bitch!" Turpin barked, hitting her with his foot on her ribs. (Y/N) cried for the impact.
"Am I lying? I can't even defend myself tied up," (Y/N) mumbled, tasting the fresh blood in her mouth.
Turpin's blood was now boiling, and (Y/N) knew what was coming. He knelt, removing the chains that kept (Y/N) tied to the post. But as soon as he did that, he struck her in the ribs again, making any attempt to defend herself against him futile.
"Come on! fight back!" Turpin yelled as he landed more blows on her body. This time nothing was going to stop him, not even Valerie's screams. (Y/N)'s body felt numb, and she couldn't even say a word anymore. What little energy was left was running out, and her mind became foggy.
As if hitting her weren't enough, Turpin also inflicted cuts on various parts of her body while laughing wildly.
"If you haven't thought of it before, it's time to go to your happy place before you take your last breath," Turpin panted as he continued torturing her.
In the distance (Y/N) could hear Valerie's cries begging Turpin to have some mercy. Turpin's words also drifted away as the seconds passed.
My happy place. My happy place. (Y/N) repeated in her head while she envisioned one of her most treasured memories: the moment Spencer confessed he loved her, and she told him she felt the same.
Oh, Spencer. The love of her life. The man with whom she shared such precious time. So many things she wanted to tell him, but all signs pointed she would never have the chance. Time was running out, and her life was slipping away with every blow, cut, and stab Turpin gave her.
It was better to let herself go and stay in the happy place forever.
We Could Try (Part 6): Good Enough? (Spencer Reid x Fem!BAU!Reader)
(Not my gif. Credits to the creator!)
------------------
Author Masterlist / Clueless (prequel)
Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5 / Part 6 / Part 7 / Part 8 / Part 9
------------------
Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!BAU!Reader
Summary: The BAU has to work with Valerie to solve a case, and (Y/N) needs to confront her demons to clear her head and decide if she will persevere in her relationship with Spencer.
Word Count: 4.6k
Warnings: Some strong words. Self-deprecating thoughts (Reader). Case's description. CM usual stuff. Valerie being Valerie. If I forgot something, let me know.
A/N: I’m back with this series! Who asked for some more angst?
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After an excruciating silence, Emily decided to take the ropes.
"Okay. Dr. Smith. I assume you read agent Green's reports from this case. Can you tell us your thoughts about those?"
"Valerie is okay, Emily."
"I prefer Dr. Smith. If you don't mind."
"Whatever you want, agent Prentiss," Valerie returned. A smug smile on her lips.
"So, did you access the old reports as well?" Rossi hastened to ask.
"Yes. I read everything on the flight coming here. Pretty interesting, I must say," Valerie commented.
(Y/N) felt suffocated in the room. She tried to avoid looking at Valerie or Spencer. And even when she succeeded, hearing her speak didn't help.
Valerie pointed out her findings. From time to time, she looked at Spencer, who shifted uncomfortably in his seat.
"Okay. What do you think?" Prentiss asked.
"It seems neat, but the details show hesitancy and irregularities. I wouldn't say the guy knows what he is doing," Valerie concluded.
(Y/N) didn't know how she should react. There was a case they needed to solve, and focusing on how uncomfortable she was wouldn't do any good. So she tried to collect herself and bury the fact that Valerie - fucking - Smith was there.
"Last autopsy report says the unsub had access to medical tools and some kind of training," (Y/N) pointed, handling the file for Valerie.
"The access could be. But I wouldn't say medical training in humans," Valerie explained.
"What kind, then?" Prentiss asked.
"Veterinary, maybe?" Spencer indicated, looking at the victim's body photos again.
"Always so clever, Dr. Reid," Valerie remarked. Spencer sighed and immediately locked eyes with (Y/N), visibly exhausted.
"Okay. If you excuse me, I'll go back to the hotel. Boston will send more files in the morning," (Y/N) explained, quickly standing and collecting her things.
"Why so early? Just when I thought we could go for a drink to catch up," Valerie suggested. (Y/N) looked at her dead in the eyes.
Ignoring Valerie's comment, Prentiss dismissed everyone for the night.
"We are done for now. Fresh start tomorrow at eight am."
(Y/N) was already out of the meeting room. Spencer didn't hesitate to grab his jacket and follow her outside.
“(Y/N)! Wait!" He called, (Y/N) reluctantly turned.
"Spencer, not now. I'm tired," she mumbled. It wasn't a lie.
"I know. I know. But I swear I didn't know Valerie would be here."
"A hell of a coincidence!" (Y/N) mockingly parroted Valerie's words from earlier.
"Please, can we talk? I don't want this to twist things between us," Spencer wrapped his hand around (Y/N)'s wrist.
"I think it's a bit late for that. They are already twisted," (Y/N) said, frustrated and annoyed at how things were going.
"But we were talking earlier; we were getting at something," Spencer reminded her, trying to keep her from leaving without talking to him.
"And you didn't want to talk at first," (Y/N) scoffed.
"C'mon (Y/N). Talk to me. Please."
Spencer was desperate. He didn't want her to leave like this.
"I told you, Spencer. I'm tired. Maybe Valerie is in the mood; why don't you ask her?" (Y/N) told him, yanking her arm to get rid of Spencer's grasp. Quickly, she got into the first cab she found.
"Well, that was a bit rude, if you ask me," Valerie commented as she approached after witnessing the whole interaction.
"I didn't ask your opinion on this matter or any other, so stay away from me," Spencer said sternly, still looking in the way (Y/N) left.
"So dense, Spencer. I thought you were doing better after all this time. And I thought you already realized what a waste of time that woman is," Valerie taunted.
"Don't you dare to talk about (Y/N) like that. You don't know anything," Spencer grunted, turning to see Valerie. She didn't even flinch at Spencer's words.
"I know enough. And that?" Valerie pointed to the spot where (Y/N) was minutes ago. "That doesn't seem like happiness to me. But you're the genius; I think you already know."
Spencer clenched his jaw. How was it possible that of all the moments, just in the worst of all, Valerie makes an appearance? Just when things between him and (Y/N) couldn't get any worse.
Valerie saw how Spencer was about to say something, but she didn't want to hear his outburst, so she decided to leave.
"Have a good night, Spencer. I'll see you in the morning."
-
(Y/N) barely slept. Even if she was tired as fuck, she tossed and turned all night. Only at dawn was she able to sleep a bit.
Spencer didn't do better than her. He knew which hotel she was staying in, but (Y/N) made it clear that she didn't want to talk to him. For a moment, Spencer mulled around the idea that this was the end. There wasn't anything that could salvage their relationship.
The same Spencer chastised himself for even thinking of giving up. They needed to talk - with Valerie there or without her.
But it seemed futile doing it before wrapping the case.
In the morning, a confused team saw Valerie Smith in the precinct.
Emily warned: "We are working on a case. Valerie is assisting. Keep it professional."
But that didn't stop the empathetic looks they flashed to (Y/N) when she arrived. And (Y/N) hated it.
Hours later, Rossi, Prentiss, JJ, Valerie, Spencer, and (Y/N) were bouncing ideas in the meeting room.
"Okay, there is a chance he could attack soon? Three days between victims is the standard for him now," Emily pointed out, watching the board with information.
"There is a possibility. In New Heaven, he had irregular intervals," JJ informed, reading the file.
"We assumed it was because he was adjusting his targets, but not his MO," (Y/N) mused.
"It doesn't seem like that, though. Forensic suggests he's quite sloppy even in the last killings," Valerie piped.
"But the reports didn't show that," Spencer said.
"That's why I'm here, my sweet Doctor Reid," Valerie said mockingly. Spencer shifted, uncomfortable in his seat.
(Y/N) only wanted to punch Valerie to erase that stupid smile from her face.
"Okay, Dr. Smith. What did you find to get that conclusion?" Emily hurried.
"These photos show the wounds of the first victim—full of bruises. The second one is different but still has these irregular cuts. The ME report says it was because of the tool used, but they're wrong. This is a plain scalpel, number 11, maybe, and not a dented blade. You can find those on the Internet if you want."
"So, the tool is different, but it doesn't rule out the medical training," Rossi reminded.
"This kind of incision couldn't be done for someone who knows the field or even a little close to that. Not even a butcher would do it that way. That's my opinion," Valerie sentenced.
"How fits that with the profile?" Prentiss asked. "We talked about confidence and bragging."
(Y/N) felt all eyes on her. It was her profile, and the evidence wasn't supporting it.
"Consistency. The path is repeated in the second and third victims. After that, he changed to another city. But he sticks to doing the same. If we were talking about a newbie, the scenes don't show that. They are not messy," (Y/N) described.
"Nothing that a good bleach can't do," Valerie interjected. (Y/N) rolled her eyes.
"But if bragging is a must for him, where is the signature?" Spencer questioned. (Y/N) nodded.
"We concluded that the signatures were in the bodies," (Y/N) replied.
"The messy handwork? I'm not a profiler, even if I dated one," Valerie said, winking at Spencer, and (Y/N) stomach twisted. "But the signature must mean something, right?"
Not an hour in that room, and (Y/N) was fed up.
"Not to us necessarily," (Y/N) interjected.
"So you have nothing with that. No wonder this guy is still on the loose," Valerie mocked.
That was the last straw for (Y/N).
"Are you questioning my job?" (Y/N) directly spoke to Valerie, who chuckled.
"No, darling. I'm pointing out facts," she retorted. Spencer and Rossi were about to say something, but Emily spoke first.
"Hey! Stop, you two," Prentiss warned. Valerie raised her hands in surrender but (Y/N) couldn't stand any second there, so she stood and left the room.
"We are here working on a case. Let's focus on that," Emily told the group, looking directly at Valerie.
-
Slamming the bathroom door, (Y/N) locked in there and tried to calm down. Her breathing picked up, and she felt choky. She closed her eyes, leaned toward the wall, and tried to ground herself.
'I can't do this,' she thought. Not with that woman in there, not with Spencer and the whole team there. (Y/N) was losing it, and all her insecurities arose at the same time.
Valerie was right in her observations; the signature wasn't evident. (Y/N) noticed the inconsistency in the injuries too, but she didn't come up with a plausible answer. She was stuck back then in Boston, and she was stuck now.
(Y/N) needed to cool off if she wanted to solve this case. Opening the faucet, she splashed cold water on her face.
Fuck Valerie and fuck Spencer.
Minutes later (Y/N) left the bathroom, but instead of returning to the meeting room, she secluded herself in the office where she had been working, double-checking the case files.
A knock alerted (Y/N). When she saw Spencer peeking through the door, she sighed.
"What? Are you going to tell me the profile is wrong too?"
Spencer shook his head, stepping inside and closing the door behind him.
"I don't think the profile is wrong. I think there is something else we do not see, though," Spencer pointed, sitting in the chair in front of her. (Y/N) scoffed.
"That I'm not seeing, and Valerie does. That's what you're saying?" (Y/N) corrected defensively.
“(Y/N)-" Spencer wanted to protest, but (Y/N) cut him off.
"Don't bother. I know she's a scientist and better than me in that field. Among others, I should add," (Y/N) let out in a bitter tone.
Spencer could see the hurt in her eyes, and it pained him. He never saw (Y/N) this insecure about her job. And he knew it was his fault.
"That's not-" He tried to explain, but she didn't let him finish.
"Yeah, it is. That is what caught your attention in the first place. She is bright. I get that," (Y/N) shrugged, fidgeting with the files on her desk, avoiding Spencer's eye contact.
"(Y/N), don't do this," Spencer demanded, looking at her intensively.
"Do what? 'Pointing facts'?" she air-quoted Valerie's previous words. He shook his head.
"No. It's not true, and you know it. Valerie can say whatever she wants, but you can't believe her. Not you, for God's sake! I am the asshole who made a mistake. You can't be the one who's doubting about yourself!" Spencer grumbled. (Y/N) chuckled bitterly.
"Well, flash news, I do! I doubt everything now. And maybe because it's true, I'm not good enough. I'm not good enough at solving this fucking case. I'm not good enough for this job. And for sure, I'm not good enough for you. I should have realized sooner."
Spencer stood and kneeled in front of (Y/N), grabbing her hands in his. She didn't push him away but avoided eye contact.
"Why are you punishing yourself like this? You are an excellent profiler and the most incredible person I have known. You stuck out with me during one of the worst times of my life. You loved me even when I couldn't love myself. You are more than enough and more than I ever wanted. My love, I'm sorry I made you think otherwise," he apologized, kissing her knuckles.
(Y/N) bit her lower lip, trying to keep at bay the tears. She wanted to believe him. She really longed for that, but her mind and heart were still a mess.
As a cue, Valerie, and agent Green entered the room. (Y/N) stood quickly and turned to the window so they couldn't see her face. Spencer stood too and looked at the pair with no amusement.
"Doctor Reid. The ME from the last two autopsies wants to talk to you and Dr. Smith," Green announced. Spencer could see Valerie's smug smile. Turning to look at (Y/N), he saw she didn't move from her contemplation state at the window. Sighing, Spencer decided it wasn't time to argue, so he followed Green and Valerie outside.
As the door closed, (Y/N) returned to her seat at the desk. Looking at the folders pile, she mulled over Spencer's words. This may be the last chance to see if something between them could work. Could she be strong enough to endure the pressure of having Valerie there?
She could try. She needed to.
Over and over again (Y/N) examined each piece of evidence in those files. There had to be something there, she was sure.
Regardless of her efforts, it seemed the world didn't want her to focus. This time, the distraction was personified by David Rossi.
"Hey, kiddo," the man made his presence known. (Y/N) looked at him, eyebrows furrowed.
"Nope. Don't even think about it, Rossi. I don't need a pep talk right now," she said. Rossi, unfazed by her words, sat in front of her.
"Maybe you don't want it, but I'm sure you need it," the man pointed.
"Now, suddenly, everyone knows what I need," (Y/N) scoffed.
"You have the absolute right to be upset. I get that. But you are better than anyone I met before to overcome something like this. I'm not quite sure where your insecurities come from now, but you need to stop," Rossi stated.
(Y/N) looked at him in disbelief.
"So that's it, uh?" she mocked.
"Bella. I know you're hurt. And I can see what that woman is trying to accomplish too. She wants you to feel self-conscious. To make you feel weak. Don't let her succeed. Yeah, she caught Reid's eye back then, but it was nothing to do with you. There were his own insecurities. Not let them become your insecurities now."
How could she explain to him that it was too late for that?
"She is smarter, Rossi. Pretty and sexy too. She exudes confidence and knows what she is capable of doing. She got Spencer once."
Rossi frowned. (Y/N) sighed.
"I know what you are thinking. How is it possible a heartbreak could do that? I'm very aware and not proud of it," she declared, resting her hands on her lap.
"Okay. Let's assume you are right. Why would that be your fault? Please, don't doubt your worth, Bella. Relationships fail because of the two people involved, not just one. In the past, you know you did everything you could. It was Reid who needed to recognize he needed to do something more to get better and stop doing nonsense. Now you both are trying. You both are pursuing to prevail over the past. He loves you, and you love him," Rossi tried to reason.
"Then why I can't stop thinking that I'm not - you know - good enough? To him, and honestly? For anything! Look at me! I'm a mess, and I can't put my shit together to solve this fucking case!" she complained. Rossi leaned in his chair to get a better view of (Y/N)'s glassy eyes.
"Kiddo. Don't go so hard on yourself. You are a good person, an experienced professional, and an excellent agent. You don't need to prove anything to anyone. Your value can't be put on hold just because someone said you weren't worthy, only to make you upset. She is taunting you. Don't let her win," Rossi recommended with a reassuring hand on her shoulder. (Y/N) huffed a laugh.
"I don't know how she fucking does it. She gets into my skin in a way I didn't think possible," she confessed. Rossi knew it was true.
"Then it's time to break that spell. I know you can do it. You deserve to be happy, Bella. Take your chance to be at peace with yourself and move on from the past. Now, come on, we need to catch this bastard," he sentenced, pointing to the files over the desk. (Y/N) nodded.
"Yeah. You're right."
"Damn right I am," the man said, making (Y/N) chuckle.
"Thank you, Rossi."
"Anytime, kiddo."
-
The connections they thought to find only made them run in circles. Every lead they got turned into a dead-end road. Agent Green couldn't hide the frustration on his face. Emily didn't do better.
The conversation Spencer and Valerie had with the ME confused them even more. Nobody could explain why the behavior evidence didn't match the victim's body marks. At some point, they thought it could be the work of two unsubs, but it didn't make sense.
Later that afternoon, watching the board with the pictures, (Y/N) saw something. Emily, Green, Reid, and Rossi were there too.
"What is it?" Emily asked.
"There. Can you see that? In her right arm?"
There was a small puncture mark at the wrist height. Checking the pictures, they saw the same pattern in the other victims. The spot was so tiny compared with the cuts in the rest of the body that no one noticed.
"Maybe he injected the drugs there?" Rossi wondered. Spencer shook his head.
"If he wanted to incapacitate them faster, the best place is in the neck. The wrist is too uncommon to do that," Spencer explained.
"So, why did he do it?" Green wondered. (Y/N) narrowed her eyes, trying to come up with some explanation. Then it hit her.
"Look at their defensive wounds. They don't have any linked to their right hand, as if they had not used it," (Y/N) pointed. Spencer's eyes widened.
"He only incapacitated their right arm. He wanted they could fight, but with a useless right arm," he elucidated.
"What does that mean?" Green asked. Rossi hummed.
"That our guy is telling us where to look. He is incapacitated himself," Rossi pointed.
"And if I have to guess, in his right hand or arm," Prentiss added.
"That could explain why the cuts are like they are. He is doing it with his injured hand," (Y/N) hypothesized.
After that conclusion, they moved fast. They filled the rest of the team with the information and called Garcia to change the search parameters.
They came up with names, but nobody fit all the killing's times and places.
"We are missing something," Prentiss pointed. Now all the team, plus Green and Valerie, were there.
The air was so tense that even Valerie kept her mouth shut from any remark or teasing.
(Y/N) didn't pay too much attention to Valerie either. She was determined to solve the case, and thinking about her issues with Valerie wouldn't help.
Spencer tried to focus on the case too. He knew they needed to catch this guy before talking to (Y/N) again.
Some hours later, Garcia called with new information.
"Hey, my people. I may have something for you," she announced.
And indeed, she was right. Garcia had found two possible names of interest to the investigation: Mark Garner, a nurse who worked in a clinic along with one of the victims. At the same time, he dated the governor's daughter years ago. The second name was Albert Conrad, a surgeon who did his internship with Garner and knew another victim from the New Haven area.
"Conrad fits the profile," Emily pointed.
"But he's not physically incapacitated, isn't he?" JJ questioned.
"His record says he had a car accident two years ago, and he has been struggling with that in his job for a while. His hours in the OR decreased substantially," Garcia informed.
"What about Garner?" Luke asked.
"He's linked to the victims. Maybe he provided the names to Conrad," Tara speculated.
"So we need to look at their relationship," Rossi said. "What do we know about that, Garcia?"
"Well, besides the fact that they were co-workers doing their internship? It seems they were both quite bright. They were tutored by Dr. William Turpin, who signed outstanding letters of recommendation for both of them."
"Williams D. Turpin? The surgeon from the Rothery's case?" Valerie asked.
"Oh. Yes. The same," Garcia confirmed.
"What is Rothery's case?" Luke asked.
"Some years ago, doctor Turpin helped the police solve the case of Albert Rothery, a reputable New York citizen," Valerie explained. "He was my professor when I did my internship too."
"Since then, Doctor Turpin has consulted other cases over the country. He's retired but has a lot of knowledge," Green added.
"Okay. We'll do this: Luke, Tara, and Rossi go to talk to Conrad. JJ, Reid will go with Garner. (Y/N), can you talk to Dr. Turpin?" Emily instructed. (Y/N) nodded. But before anyone could move, Green spoke.
"And take Dr. Smith with you. She knows him, could be helpful."
The room went silent. Spencer looked at (Y/N) and then at Emily.
"I can do that," Emily anticipated. But (Y/N) shook her head.
"It's okay. I'll do it."
Valerie looked at (Y/N), confused. 'Does she want time alone to punch me again?' Valerie thought. And as if (Y/N) could hear her thinking, she mumbled to her.
"Don't worry. I'm not going to throw you from the car," (Y/N) said, grabbing the car keys and walking outside.
Wait, was that a joke? Valerie wasn't sure but played along.
"What a relief," Valerie mumbled, following (Y/N) outside. Spencer looked in horror at how the two women walked away.
Since Valerie got in the car, there were no words between them. (Y/N) was staring down the road while Valerie was looking out the window. It was better not to say anything, right? But Valerie hated silence.
"Do you think it's Conrad?" Valerie asked out of the blue. (Y/N) cocked an eyebrow.
"We don't need to have small talk, you know?" (Y/N) said, trying to spare Valerie's attempt to do whatever she had in mind. Valerie huffed a laugh.
"It's a legitimate question, okay? Believe it or not, I am just as interested in seeing this man captured as you are. That you were on this same investigation is a bonus."
(Y/N) rolled her eyes. At least Valerie wasn't hiding her pleasure in teasing her.
"Good to know," (Y/N) mumbled, determined to avoid falling into Valerie's game. "And if you want to know, no. I don't think it's Conrad, but I don't have evidence to rule him out. That is why we're talking to Turpin."
"Why not?"
"This guy moves with a lot of confidence from one place to another. Conrad doesn't seem to have that. He has the skills, but that doesn't explain how he was able to outwit the police for so long," (Y/N) explained. Valerie hummed.
“So, do you think he’s older,” Valerie pointed.
“Yes. The profile says a white male between 45 and 55. I’m inclined toward the 55 part,” she added.
“Reasonable,” Valerie agreed.
(Y/N) wanted to ask if she really thought that or if it was a munition for later. She didn’t have the chance, though. They have arrived at Dr. Turpin’s house.
After ringing the doorbell, Valerie and (Y/N) waited silently until a man peeked out.
"Doctor William Turpin?" (Y/N) asked. The man cocked an eyebrow, a smile on his face.
"At least my birth certificate says so. Who’s asking?" Dr. Turpin questioned.
“I’m agent (Y/N) (Y/L/N). She’s doctor Valerie Smith; we are with the FBI and would like to ask you some questions if you are okay with that,” (Y/N) explained.
(Y/N) thought it was odd Dr. Turpin didn't even look impressed. But that could have been explained from so many times that he has previously consulted cases, (Y/N) concluded.
“Uhm. Of course. Your name again, sweetheart?” He asked, looking at Valerie.
“Valerie Smith, sir.”
“Did we meet before, right?”
“I did my internship with you some years ago,” Valerie explained. Turpin nodded.
“That’s it. I knew it. Please, come in,” Turpin invited.
He let Valerie and (Y/N) in and led them directly to his office.
Walking down the hallway of Turpin's house, (Y/N) couldn't help but notice the pictures on the wall. Many of them were classical paintings of considerable value. But others caught her attention, not because of cost but because of their content: human extremities in a still-life fashion. Mainly arms and hands. (Y/N) recalled seeing work like this by Joel-Peter Witkin.
‘Weirdo,’ she thought. But something in them made her uneasy.
Once seated in the office, (Y/N) explained the case they were working on and the suspicions about Garner and Conrad.
An unfazed Dr. Turpin related how he met Garner and Conrad. Nothing out of the ordinary: they both were skilled professionals, and Turpin appreciated the work they did as internships.
The conversation could have ended there, but something told (Y/N) that the doctor knew more than he said. Out of planning, she grabbed her tablet and asked Turpin if they could ask him about the case. The doctor agreed immediately.
"Dr. Smith, could you explain to Dr. Turpin our main concerns about the forensic evidence?" (Y/N) kindly asked. Valerie frowned but followed (Y/N)'s request.
As Valerie spoke, (Y/N) watched as Turpin looked excited by every detail. It was almost sinister. It was not the interest of a scientist in a subject of his specialty. It was more than that. (Y/N) couldn't help but remember the paintings she saw in the hallway, the same ones she could see now in the office.
Why did everything look so familiar?
She reviewed the little she knew about Turpin, and it was as if the unsub profile had been revealed before her.
The skills. The access. The injury?
If only she could see his hands. Why was none of that evident before?
Was it just paranoia?
When (Y/N) tried to find an answer, she was interrupted by the doctor.
"I hope you can catch him. I can't imagine what the fear of him escaping again must be like."
How did he know that? So far, no one outside the investigation has connected New Haven, Boston, and New York killings.
(Y/N) swallowed hard. And Turpin's smile told her all she needed to know. Cocky bastard. He didn't even try to hide it. Of course not: all this time, he walked among the police force without being noticed. Turpin was sure he would get away with it again.
(Y/N) thought about her options. Would it be odd to leave quickly? And if Turpin escaped before getting there again? How to alert the team without raising suspicions? She pretended her cell phone was vibrating and excused herself from taking the non-existent call in the corridor. (Y/N) quickly began typing a message to Emily. But when she was going to send it, a sharp blow in the back of her head made her fall to the floor, losing her grip on the phone. Before losing consciousness, (Y/N) knew that her suspicions were true. Turpin was the unsub, and now they were at his mercy.
We Could Try (Part 4): Trust Issues (Spencer Reid x Fem!BAU!Reader)
(Not my gif. Credits to the creator!)
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Author Masterlist / Clueless (prequel)
Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5 / Part 6 / Part 7 / Part 8 / Part 9
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Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!BAU!Reader
Summary: Things between Spencer and Reader could not go as well as they thought. A secret is revealed, and they won’t know how to handle it.
Word Count: 5.6k
Warnings: 16+ (please, respect that). Strong language. Spicy dialogue at the beginning. Mention to sex, masturbation and nudes (not described).
A/N: The fourth chapter is here. Who’s ready for some angst?
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“Take-out for dinner?” Spencer mumbled in (Y/N)’s naked shoulder, leaving small kisses on her skin. She giggled, feeling his lips lingering.
“I thought you said dinner wasn’t a priority,” (Y/N) teased, turning and resting her back on the mattress. She looked at Spencer with amusement. He was propped in one forearm, his bare torso on display.
(Y/N) didn't know how she could resist that view and not jump his bones again.
“It wasn’t. But since we have already dealt with the night’s priority, we could consider it,” he pointed, a smirk on his face.
“Okay, and why not to take a shower and go out somewhere? The weather had been nice today, we can take a nightly walk after dinner,” (Y/N) proposed. Spencer narrowed his eyes, faking to be in deep thought.
“Nah. Take-out so we can come back to bed quickly,” he said. (Y/N) laughed.
“So, you want round two but with no empty stomach,” (Y/N) clarified.
“Yeah. You can say that.”
“Horny-dog,” (Y/N) chastised.
Spencer huffed a laugh.
“Can you blame me? You were a total tease this week. With your text messages, phone calls, nudes, and...”
“Okay, okay. I get it. You didn't seem mad for that, though,” (Y/N) asserted.
“Of course not. I like having that kind of treats from you, but the last pic session was a little bit risky,” Spencer bit his bottom lip. (Y/N) frowned.
“How was that?”
“I was admiring your pics and almost forgot I was rooming with Luke, so when he came back to the room, I quickly left the phone on the bed and locked in the bathroom. You know, so he couldn't see how worked up I was,” Spencer recounted.
(Y/N)’s eyes went wide.
“What???? Luke saw my nudes???”
“No! No! He didn't see anything,” Spencer hastened to say.
“God...” (Y/N) huffed.
“But he did hear me jerking off and moaning your name on the shower.” Spencer admitted, a contortion on his face.
“Spencer! What the fuck? Couldn’t you do it quietly?” (Y/N) groaned.
“I’m sorry. I just got carried away. Just remembering those photos and imagining your voice talking to me, I just - I couldn’t help myself,” Spencer apologized.
“And what did he tell you?” She asked.
“He told me it was obvious that I missed you too much. That's all,” Spencer declared.
“A true gentleman, not like another guy I’m seeing right now,” (Y/N) scoffed.
“Hey, I'm not the only one who slipped too much information about our sex life,” Spencer complained.
“What? As far as I know, none of my friends have ever heard me jerk off and moan your name in the shower,” (Y/N) rebutted.
“Probably not, but you have provided detailed information about our sex life at brunches with Emily, JJ, Tara, and Garcia,” Spencer argued.
“C’mon! If ‘detailed’ means to say that once we had had sex four times in a row, I think you are overreacting, Spencer.”
“Sure you didn't give any other detail?” Spencer pushed.
(Y/N) pondered his question. Was it relevant anyway?
“What else can I have said? Regarding you? Well, maybe once I told them about some of our kinks. Nothing explicit, though. Happy?”
Spencer pursed his lips, a bit flustered.
“You know, ten years ago, I would be looking a hole to jump in right now,” he confessed. His cheeks tinted in red. (Y/N) chuckled.
“Baby, there is nothing to be ashamed for. They are our friends, and seen us in our highest and lowest. But that doesn’t mean they could see my nudes, though,” she clarified.
Both fell in a fit of giggles.
Spencer swears that he would never get tired of seeing her smile. So relaxed, so her. He wants that for the rest of his life. Nothing else matters. And she has to know. He felt ready for the next step, but her?
“(Y/N)?” Spencer named her when the giggles faded.
She tilted her head to look at him.
“Yeah?”
Spencer pondered his following words. He needed to start with something.
“I love you. You know that, right?”
(Y/N) grinned at him, her hand moving to his cheek.
“I know. And I love you too. So so much,” she acknowledged, stroking his face with affection.
Spencer took her hand to kiss it lovingly.
“Well, and speaking of that, I wanted - I have something to propose,” he announced.
(Y/N) leaned her head, confused about the sudden Spencer’s nervousness.
“I’m all ears,” (Y/N) grinned nonetheless, pecking his lips to help him to lose a little.
“O - okay. I know we didn't talk about this that much before, but I’m feeling the urge to say it, and I think that after these months, it could be reasonable. And a good idea, for sure. We would need some logistics to deal with, but nothing terrible, I think,” Spencer rambled.
“Spencer, baby, what is it?” (Y/N) urged him.
“Would you let me move in with you?” Spencer blurted out.
(Y/N)’s eyes widened at the sudden realization. She wasn’t anticipating that kind of offer, non yet at least.
Spencer seeing she wasn’t saying anything, felt the panic taking him, and he tried to explain better.
“I mean, move in with you, but not necessarily here. We can look for a new place,” Spencer pointed.
(Y/N) reaction shifted from surprise to a considering one.
“Are you saying moving, like you moving to Boston? Like you leaving DC?” (Y/N) asked.
“Yes. Exactly! We could be together and stop this long-distance thing. It hadn’t been that bad, but I miss you so much. It’s torture every time I have to leave or see you go. That could end now, if you want,” Spencer’s voice sounded excited, and (Y/N) felt terrible for not sharing the same enthusiasm.
“Wow, that is - well, that would be a huge change,” (Y/N) mused.
In all honesty, (Y/N) thought about it before. Of course, they had been in this long-distance relationship for ten months now, and Spencer was right; they should be moving somewhere at some point, but (Y/N) wasn’t sure yet. Why? She didn't know. She loves Spencer, and she wants to be with him, but her moving to DC or he moving to Boston could make real the fear that (Y/N) has in her chest: everything could crumble, like their relationship in the past.
She was scared, but she didn't want to share that fear with Spencer because she knew he was trying and trying hard.
For her, it was better not to bring up the topic yet. Well, until now that Spencer did it.
“Yeah, but if we want to be together, I thought...” Spencer trailed off. It wasn’t necessary to be a profiler to know that (Y/N)’s reaction didn't match his.
‘Had he rushed his proposal? Why (Y/N) didn't seem to be enthusiastic about it?’ Spencer questioned himself.
“I get it. Yeah, you're right. But I think we need to discuss it first?” (Y/N) spoke, sitting in bed, back against the headboard. Spencer noticed her body language screaming defensiveness.
Yeah, her response wasn’t a ‘no,’ but it wasn’t what Spencer expected.
“Sure. We can do that. Indeed, this could be a chance to do it? I mean, I’m pretty sure about what I’m saying. I have been thinking about it,” Spencer pointed.
“Are you willing to leave DC? Your job? Your life there to come here?” (Y/N) questioned.
“Yes. I do. I don’t know why this surprises you. I told you I’d do anything to make it up to you. And if I need to move here, I wouldn’t mind doing it.” Spencer said, knowing that his attempt wasn’t working. He sat in bed, matching (Y/N)’s pose.
She sighed. (Y/N) felt the disappointment in Spencer’s voice.
“Spencer. Baby, I really appreciate your resolution about this, but I think it’s unfair. You leaving DC? The BAU? What would you do here?” (Y/N) tried to reason.
“That’s not a problem at all. I spoke with a friend of mine, Dr. Stabler. He runs the Psychology Department here at Boston University. He told me that it could be easy to have a position here with my credentials,” Spencer recounted.
(Y/N)’s face fell. Was he making arrangements without her knowing?
“Did you speak with someone already? Without talking to me before?” (Y/N) raised her voice.
“(Y/N), it was just a conversation. Of course, I would talk about it with you before. I’m doing it now, right?” He defended himself.
“Yeah, because I asked about it,” (Y/N) scoffed, getting out of bed. Spencer narrowed his eyes.
“What’s wrong (Y/N)? I thought that you would be happy. At least relieved because you wouldn’t have to move to DC,” Spencer questioned.
(Y/N) sighed. She knew she was overreacting, but she wasn't ready to give a definitive answer.
“Yeah. And I - I really think it is so sweet of you giving everything away for us. I - do want to be with you, Spencer. But I think we need more time to think about it. To really think about it. I’m sorry if my response wasn’t what you expected. It’s only fair that as you pondered your options to move here, I do the same with the possibility of me moving to DC. Just - just give me some time to think about it, okay?” (Y/N) requested.
Spencer looked still confused.
He felt there was something else, but he couldn't pinpoint it. Maybe it was better to let it go for now.
And that is what he did. Spencer didn't bring up the topic again. And although (Y/N) could feel the times he was about to mention it, it was the same Spencer who retracted. And (Y/N) did nothing to change that.
She talked with Adrian about what happened. About her insecurities. Her friend recommended talking to Spencer with the truth, but (Y/N) was stubborn. Adrian didn't catch why at first, but after digging - and a whole bottle of wine after - she confessed that she didn't trust Spencer enough just yet.
Adrian looked at her with concern.
“Are you sure you would get to that someday? Trust issues are the poison to every relationship. You know that, (Y/N),” he pointed.
“I know. I know that. But he is trying; he’s trying so hard, Adrian. But my brain keeps telling me that someday everything will be the same, and I will end with my heart broken again,” (Y/N) cracked, remembering what happened with Valerie. Adrian sighed.
“He hurt you badly, (Y/N). Are you sure you want to give it a try on this? You’ll need to make a decision. This dynamic can't last forever. Your doubts come from somewhere, and maybe they are a sign you need to be conscious of,” Adrian pointed.
“Yeah. Believe me, I’m totally aware of that.”
-
Spencer Reid is a man of science. He trusts in the facts. But even though he sticks to that statement, he can't help to feel uneasy when it comes to (Y/N). The facts weren’t enough to tell that something was wrong between them, but he could feel it.
The worst part was he could feel it but couldn't explain it.
He tried to brush it off at first. Why didn't she want him to move to Boston? Well, Spencer tried to convince himself that the main reason was she didn't want him to lose his life in DC. But he was willing to do so and more. He swore not to make the same mistakes he did in the past, and if that meant following her to hell and back, he would do it with no hesitation.
But he promised her to take things slowly too. Not putting pressure on their relationship. That’s why he didn't bring up the topic again, even when his heart screamed every time he needed to come back to DC, or she left for Boston.
That Sunday morning woke them up with (Y/N)’s cellphone ringtone. Groaning, (Y/N) reached her bedside table and grabbed the offending device, not even paying attention to the caller ID.
“Hello?” A not-friendly (Y/N) answered.
The person on the other side of the line said something that could be a greeting.
“Not good morning if you are calling so early,” (Y/N) complained.
Spencer was fully awake now. A little lost in the conversation that (Y/N) was having.
“Ten - forthy...” (Y/N) mumbled as if she was processing information yet. “Yeah, I guess you're right. So, Adrian, tell me, what should I blame for the honor of receiving your call on a Sunday at this time,” (Y/N) asked.
Spencer stirred, now knowing who was (Y/N) talking to. ‘What does Adrian want on a Sunday morning?’ Spencer wondered.
“Lunch? No, I don't think so. Yeah. Well, Spencer is here; we haven't decided yet. But what about dinner? Yes. Today. I think it's a good idea, considering you both haven't met adequately, so why not?” (Y/N) offered.
She was right. In the months that they had been in this new relationship, Spencer and Adrian barely saw each other. They first met on (Y/N)’s birthday in September, but they didn't talk much because all the guests in the party.
When (Y/N) hung up, she turned to see Spencer.
“Good morning baby, I’m sorry for that,” she said pointing the phone. “And I’m sorry for making dinner plans for us before asking,” (Y/N) mused, realizing maybe she had made a mistake. “We can cancel if you don’t feel comfortable with that,” she offered.
Spencer blinked a couple of times; he usually didn't mind, but they had little time together lately, so he wasn't keen on investing much in social life.
“It’s okay. Dinner sounds good,” Spencer replied instead. He knows Adrian is an important friend to (Y/N), and even if their time together is reduced, he wants to make (Y/N) happy.
After a lazy morning and lunch, the couple made a quick trip to the grocery store. (Y/N) decided she wanted to make dinner, and she was run off of some ingredients.
Spencer offered to help in the kitchen, but (Y/N) asked him to tidy the place instead.
Seven o'clock, three knocks alerted (Y/N) and Spencer that their guest had arrived.
“Hey gorgeous!” Adrian greeted (Y/N), trapping her in a tight embrace.
“How have you been? I forgot we didn't see each other in weeks!” (Y/N) replied, hugging him back. Spencer was in the living area, waiting for the pair, hands resting uncomfortably at his sides.
When Adrian stepped inside the apartment, he promptly extended his hand to Spencer, who didn't hesitate to shake with his own.
“Hi Spencer, how are you been?” Adrian greeted.
“Good, good. Thank you. What about you?”
Spencer made an effort to sound in his element, although he still didn't feel that way. Friendship aside, Adrian still was (Y/N)’s ex. Spencer couldn't forget that.
After the pleasantries, everyone took a spot in the living room, Adrian on the couch with (Y/N) beside him and Spencer in the reading chair perpendicular to the sofa but next to (Y/N).
Not the distribution Spencer would like to have, but why bother for a little detail like that.
(Y/N) went to the kitchen for some drinks and snacks before dinner. The oven was still cooking the meal she had done.
When she returned, Adrian had started a small talk with Spencer.
“Yeah. Many cases arrived at the BAU lately, so we have been pretty busy,” Spencer explained. Adrian frowned.
“Serial killers have something like a hunting season? I mean, times of the year when they do their business more frequently?”
“Not quite. Even if it's true that in some parts of the country, it tends to be some recurrence in some months of the year, statistically there is not an important correlation between seasons and killings. You can say that could be less probably when we talk about a country like ours, where heterogeneity is prominent. But some researchers don’t rule off that correlation, though.” Spencer pointed.
(Y/N) chuckled, realizing the topic they were talking about.
“Uh, serial killers. My favorite,” she teased, sitting on the couch again, not before handing a beer to Adrian and Spencer.
They chatted for a while before moving to the dinner table. Spencer tried to be talkative enough, but clearly, he missed the inside jokes between Adrian and (Y/N).
That made him uncomfortable, but he attempted to disguise saying a word or two not to show it.
During dinner, the topics moved to the current (Y/N)’s job and how draining it became sometimes.
“I told her several times that she needs to slow down,” Adrian complained.
Spencer frowned. He did hear (Y/N)’s rants about her job before, but he never saw o noticed an alert sign.
“Don’t be dramatic, Adrian. Sometimes could be overwhelming, but I can manage it.” (Y/N) explained.
“Oh, sure, you say that now, but I saw you before, and I know your stubbornness doesn't have limits,” Adrian rebutted. “Did you know that last weekend she had to work almost thirty hours in a row? And it's not the first time it has happened,” Adrian said, looking at Spencer.
Why was Spencer feeling odd hearing another guy talking about his girlfriend with such confidence and about things he should have known?
“You didn't tell me you were having those schedules at work,” Spencer pointed, confused.
“Because it's not a big deal. Really, Adrian is exaggerating. It happened, what? Twice?” (Y/N) tried to dismiss.
“Yeah, but what prevents that it happens again?” He pointed. (Y/N) huffed.
Spencer was about to say something but (Y/N) spoke first.
“Can we change the topic? To something more interesting?” She requested. “What about your trip to London?” (Y/N) asked Adrian.
“What can I say? It was amazing. People there aren’t as boring as the world thinks.”
(Y/N) laughed. Spencer just gave a small smile. He was processing the previous conversation. And Spencer couldn’t help but notice the way Adrian and (Y/N) made psychical contact every chance they got. Most of the time initiated by Adrian: touching her hand, squeezing her shoulder, leaning to speak to her ear. Spencer tried to stop the intrusive thoughts, but he failed.
His brain worked faster and faster, jumping to a conclusion he wouldn’t like to admit, but it made sense to him. (Y/N) wanted to keep their distance because she didn’t want him in the middle of her special relationship with Adrian. Even if he knows (Y/N) wouldn't cheat on him, she wants her freedom, something she could lose with Spencer there.
“Spencer, are you okay?” (Y/N) interrupted his train of thoughts.
“Uhm? Yeah. Everything is okay,” he mumbled.
“You zoned out. Adrian asked when you’ll return to DC,” (Y/N) clarified.
‘Why was he so worried about that? He wanted to know when he could have (Y/N) for him again?’ Spencer thought.
‘Spencer, stop it! You're not the jealous type,’ he chastised himself.
“Tuesday,” he replied. Adrian nodded.
“Yeah, we have two more days to spend here,” (Y/N) complemented.
“Yeah, two days...” Spencer repeated.
His mind wandered to another place—a dark one—where he felt small and insecure but, at the same time, where the anger started to erupt from his stomach.
“So we can go out to that club I mentioned on Wednesday,” Adrian pointed, sipping his wine.
“Yeah. Why not?” (Y/N) mused.
That was the last straw for Spencer, who hit his fist on the table, making (Y/N) and Adrian jump in surprise.
“Spencer?” (Y/N) mumbled, raising an eyebrow.
“That’s why you don’t want me here, uh?” Spencer spat.
“What? - What are you talking about?”
“So you two can do whatever you want! You don’t want me here, (Y/N). I didn't know why until now.”
“What the fuck are you saying?”
“It’s okay, you know? Sure, you both have more fun together than we do.”
“Man, what’s wrong with you?”
“Spencer, are you not suggesting...?”
“I’m not suggesting anything, (Y/N)! But the fact is that you don’t want us to take the next step. You said we needed more time. Okay. Why? How much?”
“We’re not discussing this right now,” (Y/N) warned. Her jaw clenched, she wasn't prepared to have this conversation. Not in front of Adrian either.
“You don’t want this. And you’re afraid to say it in my face,” Spencer concluded. (Y/N) still didn't know what to say, so Adrian decided to intervene.
“Dude, you’re misreading the whole thing.” Spencer turned to see him. How does he dare?
“Am I? Well, enlighten me then because it seems I’m pretty lost here,” Spencer huffed, tossing his napkin to the table.
“You should calm down first,” (Y/N) demanded.
“No. I won’t. I’m done with this. Just spit it out! Do you want to break up with me to come back to him? Tell me!” Spencer yelled.
“Are you really thinking that Adrian has something to do with this? How could you even think that!” (Y/N) raised her tone, matching his.
“Do you forget I’m a profiler? I can still do this job pretty good,” Spencer pointed.
“I disagree. You have been pretty bad here!” (Y/N) complained.
“Are you going to deny something is happening then?!”
“It’s not what you think!”
(Y/N) wanted to dig a hole and disappear. She wasn't ready to tell the truth yet, but what Spencer was suggesting could be worse to assume.
“For a genius, you’re so blind,” Adrian spat.
“Excuse me?” Spencer scoffed, standing from his chair.
(Y/N) looked at Adrian with pleading eyes. She knew what Adrian wanted to do, which could lead to a disaster.
“Adrian...” She mumbled.
“No, (Y/N). He has to know.”
“What the fuck do I have to know?! Stop hiding things from me!”
“In first place, she came to Boston to rebuild her life. After the disaster you made in her life. (Y/N) needed to gather her own pieces because you broke her! So, do you expect now that things could go as if nothing happened?” Adrian pointed.
“I know what I did! And I asked for her forgiveness. Since the day I promised to make it up to her, I’ve been doing it!” Spencer defended, looking at her, but (Y/N)’s face was focused on the floor. She didn't have the energy to fight or rebut anything.
“So that’s all? Did you ask her how she feels right now? No, because for you, everything goes as a plan well designed. A couple of months of a long-distance relationship to move to the next level, right? Did you occur why she hasn’t said anything about moving to DC or you moving here? This is her safe place because she doesn't trust you! She is anxious because she doesn't want to repeat the same mistakes. She is afraid that could happen the same that happened before: you get bored of her and fall in the arms of another woman again!” He shouted.
Spencer's jaw dropped. Not that he hadn’t thought about the possibilities, but he never thought that (Y/N) was struggling with that kind of anxiety. She doesn't trust him. Although everything they went through in the past months, she doesn't trust him yet.
“I - I thought that...” Spencer stuttered.
But Adrian wasn’t finished yet.
“And as far as I'm concerned, yes, I'm in love with her. But I know her so well and I know that she would never do anything like what you did to her. That's why it makes me sick to see how you can question her loyalty to you. You don't deserve her."
“Stop! Both of you!” (Y/N) shouted, standing from her chair.
That made Adrian and Spencer freeze.
“What the fuck is wrong with you guys?! First of all,” (Y/N) pointed to Adrian. “The things I told you don’t give you the right to vent them, whatever your reason is!” She exclaimed, trying to keep her tears at bay.
“I was trying to explain to him...” Adrian started, but (Y/N) cut him off.
“You don’t have to do that! I’m a very functional human being last time I checked.”
Adrian wanted to refute but he decided against it.
“Now, you!” (Y/N) pointed a finger in Spencer's direction. “Stop thinking like everyone is betraying you! You don't have the right to assume what is happening in my mind! And if I didn't tell you, I have my reasons too!”
“You know that it wasn’t my intention. I just needed to know...” Spencer tried to say, but as same as Adrian, she cut him off.
“Wasn’t it? You accused me of something so despicable. The same thing we swore to work together after what happened. I would say it’s a terrible joke. So don’t play the jealousy card when I did nothing to you to think about it that way.
Spencer's jaw was clenched and his fists so tightly cramped that his knuckles went white.
“Okay. I’m sorry. I’m truly sorry. And you know what? Adrian is so fucking right! You deserve better than me. And from where I’m standing, you shouldn’t look too far to find someone better,” Spencer sniffled, pointing between Adrian and (Y/N).
(Y/N) rolled her eyes. That wasn’t the point either.
“Oh, the victim,” Adrian mocked.
“Shut up, Adrian,” (Y/N) demanded. “And you can’t be serious, not after all we have been through.” She said to Spencer.
“I’m being very serious. It wasn’t my intention to say this in an improvised law tribunal, but what the hell. It's what it is. Now, if you excuse me, I need some air,” Spencer announced.
“No, it's me who’s leaving,” Adrian rebutted.
“Don’t. You are the guest, Adrian. Sure, you both still have a lot of catch-ups,” Spencer said, faking politeness and moving to grab his blazer.
“Spencer, don’t...” (Y/N) tried to call his attention, pinching her nose bridge with her fingers.
He didn't even look at her, opening the front door and quickly leaving the apartment.
By any means, this isn’t what (Y/N) wanted for this dinner.
Defeated, she sat on the chair again. Tears threatening to come. A heavy silence settled in the room. Adrian didn't stop looking at her, a frown visible on his face.
“I - I’m sorry,” he mumbled.
(Y/N) huffed.
“Really (Y/N). I’m sorry. Even if you understand why I did it, it wasn’t the way,” Adrian apologized.
“That’s the problem, Adrian. I don't understand why you did it. I confided you my concerns, but why did you have to tell him?! And how’s that you love me? Why you didn't tell me?” (Y/N) shouted, now tears running freely down her cheeks.
Adrian stood and wanted to hug (Y/N) to comfort her, but she skimmed away.
“Don’t! Just leave, okay?” She requested.
“Okay. I’ll leave. Yet I’m going to say that I’m truly sorry. I just wanted him to know the truth, that he could see the great woman you are and the damage he did. You don't deserve it. And I do think he doesn't deserve you either,” Adrian mumbled, planting a kiss on (Y/N)’s temple before leaving.
(Y/N) felt like a heavy wall was over her shoulders. She understands Adrian’s intention, but she knows Spencer too. He’s trying hard, and she felt awful putting that shadow of a doubt in their relationship. Still, she wasn't ready to take a step forward. Her heart still hurts, remembering the dark months between them.
-
It was past midnight when (Y/N) heard the front door opening. She was lying on the couch, eyes opened, looking at nothing in particular.
Since Spencer and Adrian left the apartment, she tried to occupy her mind by doing the dishes and tidying the place.
But then she left her sadness consuming her, crying her eyes out on her couch. After some time, she dozen off a bit, but she perked her head instantly at the sound of the door opening.
“Spencer?” (Y/N) asked hesitantly.
He shut the door softly and moved to the living room, making eye contact with her.
It was evident he had been crying too.
“I know. Do you want to talk now?” Spencer inquired.
“We have to,” (Y/N) acknowledged.
Spencer nodded, leaving his blazer in a chair and moving to sit on the couch. (Y/N) took a sitting position with her hands on her lap—both at a safe distance.
“I - “
“It’s not that - “
Both started to speak simultaneously and stopped seeing the other trying to say something.
A deep sigh from (Y/N) was Spencer’s cue to let her speak first.
“Things are not how you think they are. It hurts me that you think I’m capable of doing that to you. I love you, but how can you think so low of me?” (Y/N) sniffled.
“I know I jumped to a wrong conclusion. I’m sorry. It’s not a justification, but I have been walking blind here for a while (Y/N). The things Adrian said are true? Don’t you trust me? Because if it is true, we are having a problem, and I don't know what to do about it,” Spencer confessed.
“I didn't think we did? To be honest, for me, it was something related to time. I thought that time would ease this anxiety and that I could readjust and keep going. I - I really want to be with you, Spencer. But I can erase what happened. I just can't. I’m sorry,” (Y/N) sobbed.
“And what can I do? I mean, I tried (Y/N). I have been trying, and I don’t like to feel like I’m walking on eggshells all the time. I thought we could be honest with each other. If something was bothering you, why didn't you tell me?” Spencer cracked.
“I don’t know. I guess I didn't want you to push away with my insecurities,” (Y/N) shrugged.
“Feeding my owns,” Spencer scoffed.
“I never did something to feed your insecurities, didn’t I?” (Y/N) paused. Eyebrows furrowed.
“I get it. I’m not in any position to demand anything, but you heard Adrian. He’s in love with you. How could you expect that I just ignore that?”
“Trusting me?”
“And you can't trust in me! It’s - I don’t know,” Spencer trailed off. (Y/N) rolled her eyes, huffing.
“You know, when I realized that something was happening, I denied it. I did it for a month or so. I ignored the times you came home late. I ignored the times when you changed our plans because you had an important meeting for work. I tried not to overthink when you didn't want to touch me again. I couldn't believe that I had lost you. It hurt so bad...”
“And I explained what happened and why,” Spencer interrupted.
“Yeah. And I understood. But the wound is still here,” she said, pointing to her heart. “And here,” she pointed now her head. “Here, I have been battling and repeating that things wouldn’t be the same. But I’m scared, Spencer. So scared. I don’t want to feel that ache again,” (Y/N) said, covering her face with her hands.
Spencer scooted to her side, still hesitating to touch her.
“What can I do? How can I fix it?” He asked.
“I don’t know,” she replied with all honesty. “Now, I don’t know. I wish I could have an answer, but I don’t.”
“Time?” Spencer offered.
“Maybe. It would help if you thought about that too. Are you willing to wait for whatever mess I have in my head could untangle?” She asked, cringing at the thought of an uncertain time.
Spencer didn't answer right away. It was the cue for (Y/N) to know he needed to think about that.
“I’m still hurt, Spencer. And I’m sorry. Although these wonderful months together, it’s difficult for me to think about the future. We had one in our heads before. But now it’s different,” she mumbled, breaking eye contact.
“I know. And I wouldn’t expect to have the same we had before. I’m not that naive. But I thought we were getting somewhere,” he lamented.
(Y/N) sighed.
“I’m sorry,” she repeated. “I can’t keep talking right now. I’m tired. Let us go to sleep. Tomorrow we can continue talking if you don’t mind.”
It was the truth; the whole night had been a rollercoaster of emotions and confessions. Spencer was tired too.
“Okay. Go. I’ll take the couch,” he announced. Both knew they needed space right now.
“Thank you,” (Y/N) said, moving to her bedroom and closing the door.
Spencer clutched a blanket and covered himself. On his back, he kept looking at the ceiling. Although the exhaustion, his brain wasn’t cooperating, replaying (Y/N)’s words over and over again.
(Y/N) didn't do better. She tossed and turned several times, trying to think how things could work from now on. But at some point, she surrendered and fell asleep. They could talk again in the morning.
-
(Y/N) padded into the living room next morning. She didn’t want to startled Spencer in case he was sleeping, but when (Y/N) was about to say something, she noticed the empty couch and a note on the coffee table.
‘I’m sorry for leaving now and not saying goodbye, but I think it is better this way. We can talk after we both can take time to think about us and what we want to do. SR.’
(Y/N) shut her eyes and muttered a ‘fuck’ under her breath. She fucked it up. She made him doubt, and he left.
What did she expect anyway? It was the reason for her to keep her mouth shut. But now?
This is only a rough patch or worse? (Y/N) was afraid to find it out now.
