on soups: pleas tell me which are acceptable and which are horrors to the mouth... tomato cream of tomato french onion (with the melty cheese) chili (is it a soup? who can know.) lentil soup pea soup tell me about all the soups please
counting down in a numbered list which really doesn’t mean anything cause im rating these individually too
10. Any Kind of Pea Soup
God. you killed a veggie and then put it thru the wood chipper until it became goop. and then you heated it up and ate it. good lord. you feral bastards. Where does the liquid even come from?? emulsified veggie goop. -0/10
9. Ginger Carrot Soup
What the fuck. Why? Where does the liquid come from? Why must you goopify a vegetable and then make it spicy. Why. 0/10
8. Cheesy Broccolli Soup
You took a fart and hid it in a bowl of cheese. -15/10
8. a) Lentil Soup
Jesus Christ. No. 0/10
7. Butternut Squash Soup
Why is there so much cinnamon. I don’t understand. Its more sludge like than others but the cinnamon punches you in the throat. You want to trust it because it smells good besides the dubious consistency but you DO and it is your downfall. You can manage like three mouthfuls really only because you were duped into buying it and you feel bad wasting food. What did you truly expect? Something good? The soup that triggered the soup comment in the first place. 1/10
6. Mushroom Soup
Sometimes good on its own and sometimes a horrible monstrosity of liquid and mushroom. Salty for some reason. Terrible when made with water but actually alright when made with milk. A veggie soup I trust but it’s on thin fucking ice. Best for sandwich dipping so you don’t really notice how thick it is. 4/10
5. French Onion Soup
It’s hot and comes in its tiny special bowl thing and the top gets all crunchy and ok it might have me a little. but only when its cold outside and my momma makes it. She has done this literally once with one brand and I am fearful of doppelganger soups that will ultimately disappoint me. You will live on in my memory forever, mom’s not-homemade french onion soup. 5.5/10
4. “Hearty” Soups
It’s literally just pasta in broth. Everyone tries to say its so good but you know you’re all just in it for that sweet, sweet dense curly pasta. Also good when made with tortellini. The soup part is almost always a lie. it is a vehicle for the pasta. It is so you can say you had a nice filling soup for dinner. You heap your bowl full of (pasta) soup and then discreetly dump the rest of the liquid down the sink when no one’s looking. You fucking liar. I’m into it. 6/10
3. Tim Horton’s Chicken Noodle
Listen. Sometimes you just need to take a decent chicken noodle and boil the absolute fuck out of it in a kitchen for 15 hours. We all know that’s what happens to Tim Horton’s(s?) soups. We know. And yet. Still good. Always good. Especially when it’s the end of the day and they give you a full bun instead of the half with it. How don’t the teeny veggies turn into mush? Actually don’t tell me I don’t want to know. 8/10
2. Potato Bacon Soup
My ancestors couldn’t have survived without potatoes. They mastered the potato in all its forms and it has appeared very gently on supermarket shelves, hiding between the lentil ginger and carrot onion and disney princess spaghetti-o’s. It bids you a gentle welcome, quiet, waiting for you to have your moment of discovery. You will be happily shocked to discover actual (!) chunks of full potato and bacon inside the can when you open it up, tipping a delicacy of smooth salty rich goodness into your stove pot. Amazing with bread.The soup that convinced me to love again. 10/10
1. Chicken Noodle
God looked down on all the people in the land, all those weak and weary, and he raised his arms to the heavens and cried ‘Let there be no more suffering; let there be no more tears. Campbell’s Chicken Soup is here.’ And then there was no more suffering and no more tears because that’s how that shit works. Amazing. Delicious. Easy to make. Beautiful. You probably ate it for the noodles when u were little and then came to appreciate it better later in life but it was always there for you, waiting patiently in the background, through breakups and cold winters and that one really nasty flu bug you caught in the 6th grade that kept you in bed for a week, god that was bad. Listen. There’s a reason your mom gave it to you when you were little. Its Just Good. 11/10
