Some little Guardian fic to alleviate the pain the fic yesterday might have caused. Read it on AO3 or just here.
~*~*~
Zhao Yunlan thought he had seen Shen Wei relaxed and at ease around him. He saw him without his glasses, without the suit jacket and sometimes with his shirt untucked and wrongly buttoned. He saw Shen Wei in sleeping clothes and even naked, but nothing, nothing at all could have prepared him for the sight that met Zhao Yunlan when he entered his apartment. Their apartment, with how many nights Shen Wei had spent there ever since they got together.
It happened a lot that Zhao Yunlan came home and found Shen Wei bend over some papers, grading one thing or another. It almost seemed like he had given up his office in favor of working from the comfortable couch at their home, not that Zhao Yunlan minded, not at all. He loved seeing Shen Wei, no matter where and when.
But today Zhao Yunlan freezes right at the door at the sight that meets him once he opens the door. Of course, it only takes Shen Wei a moment to notice that something is obviously wrong when Zhao Yunlan doesn’t immediately go over and kiss him hello.
“What's wrong?” he asks, papers forgotten on the table as he gets up. His face shows the faint lines Zhao Yunlan has associated with worry, an impending fight, and some pain that will no doubt be stoically taken by Shen Wei. Zhao Yunlan hates those lines.
“Nothing,” he quickly reassurs him but he can't take his eyes off Shen Wei, which does nothing to relax him.
“Something is bothering you. Tell me what's wrong,” Shen Wei demands, and a hint of the Black Coated Envoy authority slips into his voice.
Zhao Yunlan laughs, always ready to use that stalling technique when he needs it, and quickly thinks about possible answers. He can't claim work, because Shen Wei would have heard of anything going on there and Zhao Yunlan damn well knows Old Chu keeps informing Shen Wei about anything. It would take Shen Wei only a minute to confirm that nothing is going on at work. But that practically depletes the excuses Zhao Yunlan can come up with. He needs a more varied social circle, that much is clear. He doesn’t even have any friends outside of the SID.
So Zhao Yunlan decides to go for the truth.
“It's you,” he says with a little shrug, avoiding direct eye-contact, but as soon as his gaze drops, he realizes there is no safe place to look.
“Me,” Shen Wei repeats tonelessly, blinking fast two times in a row and Zhao Yunlan hates that look with a passion because it means Shen Wei has been hurt when he hadn't expected it and doesn't know how to cover it up.
“The way you look,” Zhao Yunlan quickly tacks on, but it doesn't help the situation if the confused crease on Shen Wei’s forehead is anything to go by.
“The way I—look,” Shen Wei repeats again and looks down at himself, clearly trying to figure out what exactly Zhao Yunlan is taking exception to. “Is there something wrong with the way I look?”
“Not at all,” Zhao Yunlan breathlessly says, and Shen Wei quirks an eyebrow at him, asking without actually voicing any words.
“It's just—Look at you,” Zhao Yunlan says with awe. “I thought I saw you relaxed before but this—,” he trails off here, not really knowing what to say.
This is melting his brain a little, if he's being honest.
“That is my sweater,” is what he eventually comes out with when Shen Wei just waits him out and Shen Wei self-consciously drags the sleeves down even more. Zhao Yunlan wonders if this is how he will die.
“I didn't think you would mind,” Shen Wei says carefully, and Zhao Yunlan laughs, loud and happy, at that.
“I truly don’t mind. I doubt I ever could. Look at you,” Zhao Yunlan can't help but say again with so much reverence that it puts some colour on Shen Wei’s normally too pale face.
“In my slightly too big sweater with sleeping pants and without socks,” Zhao Yunlan finally manages to put into words.
Shen Wei looks down at his feet, wriggling his bare toes a bit and yep, this is it. Zhao Yunlan has finally met his end.
“It's—good?” Shen Wei asks as if this could ever be anything else.
“It looks like you belong. Here in this apartment, to me. Like you want to be. Be here and be mine.” Zhao Yunlan can’t help the possessive note that slips into his voice, but it doesn’t seem like Shen Wei minds that at all
“I do. You know that,” Shen Wei says immediately, and Zhao Yunlan can’t help himself. He just has to step forward, reaching out to pull Shen Wei in by the too long hem of the sweater and kiss the breath right out of him.
“I know,” Zhao Yunlan whispers against Shen Wei’s lips, smiles into the next kiss and slides a hand underneath the sweater. He is absolutely delighted to find that Shen Wei isn't wearing anything else underneath.
He's finally shedding his layers around Zhao Yunlan and it does things to him.
“I love you,” Zhao Yunlan tells him. It’s not the first time he said the words, but they might have never been this breathless, never with this much overflowing feeling in them.
“If I had known that barefoot would be a thing for you, I’d have done it earlier,” Shen Wei teases but he leans into the hand Zhao Yunlan still has on his back, as he rests their foreheads together.
“I love you too,” Shen Wei whispers before Zhao Yunlan can deny a kink for bare feet in general and admit to a general kink for Shen Wei and his everything instead. It would have been embarrassing but Zhao Yunlan doubts Shen Wei would hold it against him.
Going by the way Shen Wei huffs out an amused laughter he knows it anyway.
This is just some small hurt/comfort, but mostly it’s fluff. Read it here on AO3 or watch out for the cut since it’s over 1.7k.
~*~*~
Zhao Yunlan curiously notices that Shen Wei’s hands are trembling. Not much, not enough for the team to notice from further away, but just enough to feel when Shen Wei’s fingers flutter over Zhao Yunlan’s temple, checking the severity of the injury.
“It’s a head wound, Shen Wei, it bleeds like hell even though it’s barely a graze,” Zhao Yunlan tries again, but Shen Wei has his lips pressed together and he seems adamant on sending Zhao Yunlan to the hospital.
“You have a concussion,” Shen Wei states, words cut off and short and Zhao Yunlan sighs.
“I don’t have anything but a little rash on my temple, Shen Wei, let it rest. It doesn’t even hurt.”
It isn’t even a lie. Zhao Yunlan can feel Shen Wei’s fingers caressing his skin and not much beyond that. There is no pain, not even the unpleasant feeling of blood on his skin, because Shen Wei is diligently wiping it all away.
Zhao Yunlan raises his hand, wanting to prod at the injury himself, never one to let others care for him, but Shen Wei slaps his hand away.
"Don't touch it," he growls. "What do you think you're doing?"
Zhao Yunlan is shaking his hand because Shen Wei's slap stings and he turns betrayed eyes on Shen Wei.
"I wanted to see for myself how bad it is," he gives back because all this fussing makes him worry it might be worse than he first thought.
"Then go to a mirror. Don't put your dirty fingers into it, it could get infected."
"I can get up?" Zhao Yunlan asks, perking up at the thought of Shen Wei done being stupid about this and worrying unnecessarily.
"Absolutely not," Shen Wei snaps and Zhao Yunlan sighs.
"Shen Wei, you're overreacting. It's seriously not that bad of a wound."
“It’s still bleeding,” Shen Wei almost hisses at him. “What were you thinking?”
Shen Wei isn’t someone who curses but Zhao Yunlan can clearly hear the ‘the hell’ in that sentence.
Zhao Yunlan doesn’t answer that, thinks it’s rather obvious what he was thinking, but Shen Wei stares at him for a long time before he exhales sharply and turns away.
“Where’s your first aid kit?” he asks, looking around the office and not noticing how Zhao Yunlan frowns at him.
“Why would we have a first aid kit?” he asks in return and Shen Wei whirls around to him.
“Because you always get hurt!”
“I always touch the Hallows,” Zhao Yunlan says, causing Shen Wei’s expression to darken again. “It’s not something a first aid kit is going to help with. And we don’t need it for anyone else. Zhu Hong, Lao Chu and Da Qing heal almost as fast as you do, Lao Chu would kill anyone before he lets something happen to Xiao Guo, Lin Jing barely ever leaves the lab, and Wang Zheng and Sang Zan can’t get hurt. You heal inhumanly fast, too. We don’t have a first aid kit because we don’t need it.”
“Then it’s time you get one,” Shen Wei presses out, teeth clenching together so hard Zhao Yunlan worries for him a little bit.
“Okay,” he softly says, trying to calm Shen Wei down, but it seems like he’s on a roll now.
“What were you even thinking? You didn’t know his powers, didn’t know how he would attack me and like you just said. I heal. I would have been fine, no matter what he hit me with. You’re lucky he only tried to hit me with his fist. What if he’d used his power? What would you have done then, huh?”
Zhao Yunlan has probably never heard Shen Wei utter this many questions in one go and he’s honestly a little bit stunned, mostly because apparently Shen Wei really doesn’t seem to understand why Zhao Yunlan did it.
Before Zhao Yunlan can say something though, explain it and confess all his feelings to Shen Wei, Shen Wei goes right on.
“You’re reckless, so much in fact, that it borders on stupidity. I’m the Black Cloaked Envoy. I would have healed. You’re just human and look at you. You’re bleeding and it just won’t stop.”
Shen Wei seems honestly distressed about that and Zhao Yunlan catches his wrist with his hand, stopping him from dabbing at the wound yet again.
“It’s a graze, Shen Wei,” he softly says, again. “It’s a head wound; they bleed. It’s what they do. Let it rest for a minute or two and it will stop, I promise.”
Zhao Yunlan can feel the trembling in Shen Wei’s hand now, and his heart clenches painfully at how worried Shen Wei apparently is.
“I’m fine,” he promises again, looking imploringly at Shen Wei, willing him to believe him, but Shen Wei is avoiding his gaze, keeping his eyes on the wound, his hand still halfway raised as if he wants to wipe the blood away again, no matter what Zhao Yunlan tells him.
“What were you thinking?” Shen Wei demands to know again. “You could have gotten seriously hurt. What were you thinking?” Shen Wei asks, softly now, and for the first time Zhao Yunlan realizes just how scared Shen Wei is.
Scared of losing him, apparently.
“I was thinking I need to protect the man I love,” Zhao Yunlan evenly says, his gaze steady on Shen Wei, his hand still around his wrist, and it’s the only reason he notices how Shen Wei completely freezes over for a second, body and face completely still.
Then he blinks and he’s moving again, moving away from Zhao Yunlan, or trying to at least, because Zhao Yunlan is not letting him get far.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Shen Wei says, but now Zhao Yunlan is paying attention, even more so than he normally does, and he hears the barest quiver in his voice, notices how Shen Wei can’t quite look him straight in the eye and it finally all clicks for Zhao Yunlan.
Shen Wei isn’t just scared of losing him, he’s scared that he’ll lose Zhao Yunlan because of who and what Shen Wei is and does.
Zhao Yunlan gets up from the table Shen Wei seated him on, keeps his grip on Shen Wei and just crowds close into his personal space, never once taking his eyes off him.
“I know exactly what I’m talking about,” Zhao Yunlan says, promises almost, and Shen Wei’s eyes flick over to him.
“I didn’t think when I saw that guy attack you. I didn’t think how you are the Black Cloaked Envoy, that you’re Dixing, that you can heal. I just saw someone attack you, and I couldn’t let it happen. I saw someone attack who I love and I had to do something.”
“You got hurt,” Shen Wei whispers, a desperate edge to his voice and Zhao Yunlan twists his grip, threads their fingers together so he can bring the back of his hand up, pressing a kiss to it.
“And you think I can watch you getting hurt any more than you can watch the same happen to me? Don’t you think I’m just as desperate to protect you?” Zhao Yunlan wants to know and watches Shen Wei swallow and search for words.
“You shouldn’t,” he finally says, and Zhao Yunlan laughs.
“But I do, Xiao Wei, I do,” he tells him, nothing but the truth in his words and it almost seems like Shen Wei can’t help himself, because his whole demeanor softens.
“You really shouldn’t,” he still tries again, but Zhao Yunlan can tell he doesn’t mean it.
Not anymore.
“Noted,” Zhao Yunlan promises and then pulls Shen Wei close enough that their chests are brushing against each other. “You know what would really make me feel better?” Zhao Yunlan asks and Shen Wei smiles that softly pleased smile of his, where he briefly ducks his head as if he’s embarrassed with himself that he can’t stop the smile, and Zhao Yunlan would kiss him just for that.
“What?” Shen Wei asks when he has the smile back under control, though the corners of his mouth are still turned up slightly and he’s teasing Zhao Yunlan with the wrinkles around his eyes.
Zhao Yunlan wonders why in the hell it ever took him this long to confess to Shen Wei.
“A kiss,” he decisively says, and this time Shen Wei doesn’t try to hide his smile.
“Just one?” he teasingly asks and leans in to brush his lips over Zhao Yunlan’s. “You’re all better now, then?”
“You’re such a tease,” Zhao Yunlan whispers against his lips, because Shen Wei hadn’t pulled quite far enough away and then he reels him right back in.
Shen Wei responds rather enthusiastically, so it’s even more of a surprise when he suddenly pulls away, and this time he puts a respectable distance between them
“What are you doing?” Zhao Yunlan wants to know, he refuses to admit that he whines, and Shen Wei gives him one of the many looks Zhao Yunlan loves so much, the slightly sly one, that doesn’t get used often enough.
“You’re not getting a reward for getting hurt,” Shen Wei tells him, but he can’t keep the smile at bay. “That would be enforcing bad behavior.”
“I should get all the rewards for protecting you,” Zhao Yunlan replies immediately. “I was doing a good deed.”
Shen Wei tilts his head, as if he’s considering that, but then his eyes fall back on the wound on Zhao Yunlan’s temple and he loses his playfulness.
“It’s not something to joke about,” he says solemnly, brushing his thumb over Zhao Yunlan’s temple and Zhao Yunlan can’t help but lean into the contact.
“It’s nothing,” Zhao Yunlan tries to reassure him, but Shen Wei shakes his head.
“This time,” he gives back and Zhao Yunlan sighs but then he has an idea.
“Fine, no rewards for saving you. But you should totally kiss it better.”
“I thought it wasn’t so bad?”
“Now that you mention it, it certainly requires some attention. Preferably with your lips.”
“Alright,” Shen Wei easily says and then leans forward to press a careful, barely there kiss to Zhao Yunlan’s temple.
Zhao Yunlan would complain about that, but his stomach does a funny thing at that and he can feel himself blush, and he can’t quite manage to find the words.
“I also think I should make you dinner, you need to get your strength back,” Shen Wei mumbles, lips still moving against Zhao Yunlan’s skin and Zhao Yunlan shudders slightly at that.
“Sounds like a plan.”
“Let’s go home then,” Shen Wei says, and Zhao Yunlan is happy to follow him anywhere.
This is my take on the heart-wrenching scene in episode 23 where Zhao Yunlan finds Shen Wei with the knife in his kitchen. That scene definitely needed more hugs and kisses. You can read it here on AO3 or watch out for the read more since it’s 1.9k.
~*~*~
“Fortunately, I am used to getting injured,” Shen Wei says, as he heals the cut on his wrist.
Zhao Yunlan isn’t looking at him, but he sees Shen Wei smiling from the corner of his eyes.
Zhao Yunlan has never paid much attention to expressions. A suspect usually remembers to school their face, making it hard to read them, so Zhao Yunlan learned to rely on their body movement and his own gut feeling.
But ever since Shen Wei stepped into his life Zhao Yunlan had to take a crash-course on micro-expressions.
Shen Wei is always so tightly controlled, never giving away anything he doesn’t want to, that Zhao Yunlan is at a loss most of the time.
The one thing Shen Wei can’t always control, or maybe forgets sometimes, are his micro-expressions. Zhao Yunlan got rather good at reading them, cataloging too many to count, and this right now, the smile Shen Wei is giving him, that is the worst of all.
Because Shen Wei keeps eye contact. And that is always such a bad sign.
Zhao Yunlan had realized it very early on; if Shen Wei was genuinely happy or amused, he would duck his head or briefly look away, as if he didn’t want anyone to see his smile. Which is a damn shame in Zhao Yunlan’s book, because his smile is gorgeous.
But when Shen Wei keeps prolonged eye contact, he is either lying, or so busy concealing his pain that he forgets to look away. Like the pain is so overwhelming that it’s the only thing he can concentrate on.
And right now Shen Wei is smiling his most beautiful smile, the one where the corners of his eyes crinkle just slightly, but he is looking straight at Zhao Yunlan, not avoiding his gaze, eyes not flitting to the side, and Zhao Yunlan hates it.
It is like Shen Wei is daring him to look at him, believing the lie Shen Wei is probably telling himself.
‘Fortunately I’m used to getting injured’. Zhao Yunlan’s heart might just break at that, because no one should get used to that, should get used to pain, and least of all his Shen Wei.
And especially not for Zhao Yunlan.
But Shen Wei says it like it’s supposed to comfort Zhao Yunlan, make him worry less and Zhao Yunlan has never heard something so painful in his entire life.
Zhao Yunlan finally turns towards Shen Wei again, hoping that the cursed smile is gone from his face, but it’s still right there on his face, if faint, and he wants to put a genuine expression on Shen Wei’s face. Wants him to look after himself.
He wants him to be okay.
“I do not deserve what you are doing for me,” Zhao Yunlan says, begs Shen Wei to understand.
“You’re worth it,” Shen Wei replies, without a second of hesitation, doesn’t even have to think about it, as if there could never be anything else as worthy in Shen Wei’s eyes as Zhao Yunlan’s life. Like Zhao Yunlan is more precious to him than even his own life.
It’s scaring the shit out of Zhao Yunlan.
He loves Shen Wei, he does, but Shen Wei loves him with an intensity, with an urgency Zhao Yunlan can’t understand. He loves him like maybe they already had a life-time of getting to know each other, falling deeper in love, and not just the five months they have known each other.
But the urgency also speaks of an already happened loss, that Zhao Yunlan can’t possibly comprehend and is probably due to the secrets Shen Wei is still keeping from him.
Shen Wei has alluded to that before, when he said ‘we have always been friends’ and ‘it never changed’ but so far he hasn’t explained, and Zhao Yunlan just doesn’t understand.
And that makes him angry.
“Then what do you want me to do?” he asks, yells more like, because he doesn’t know how to deal with this unwavering and all-consuming love. “Huh? Be indebted to you? To bow to you? You’re not immortal!”
It’s a thought Zhao Yunlan hadn’t dared to contemplate before, because it scares the shit out of him, that he could lose Shen Wei, but he pushes that thought away for now.
“Why should I so casually owe you a life?” he asks, in a last-ditch effort to make Shen Wei explain, to maybe finally understand what Shen Wei sees in him when he looks at him.
But Shen Wei holds his gaze, unflinchingly, and steps closer.
“This life is what I’m returning to you,” he whispers, close enough to Zhao Yunlan that he can see the breathless desperation in his eyes and Zhao Yunlan still doesn’t understand what Shen Wei is referring to.
It must show on his face, because Shen Wei suddenly drops his gaze, and takes a few deep breaths, as if he realizes he has said too much, revealed too much even though Zhao Yunlan feels more confused than ever. But Shen Wei looks away, lets his eyes flick around like Zhao Yunlan is used to from him, and then takes a step away.
“You should rest soon,” he says, clearly still more concerned with Zhao Yunlan’s health than his own, and he moves to turn away.
Zhao Yunlan can’t let that happen.
He reaches out just as Shen Wei starts to walk away from him and he catches his arm. Shen Wei keeps his back to him, unwilling to turn around, but Zhao Yunlan is done with letting him set the pace for their relationship.
He tugs, hard, pulling Shen Wei towards him and swiftly wrapping his arms around Shen Wei.
Shen Wei appears to be stunned, rigid and unmoving against Zhao Yunlan, but he isn’t deterred.
“If you think saving my life at the expense of yours is worth it, I need you to think again,” Zhao Yunlan whispers, almost pressing the words into Shen Wei’s skin, and he feels him shudder against him.
It’s like a dam has broken because suddenly Shen Wei is returning the hug, embracing Zhao Yunlan completely, almost painfully, but Zhao Yunlan is gonna die before he puts an end to this. Shen Wei is breathing hard, and Zhao Yunlan just pulls him closer, presses them together in an attempt to make him understand.
“I couldn’t bear to lose you. What would I even do without you?” he asks, more rhetorical than anything but Shen Wei still answers.
“You’ll find someone else who will cook for you,” he says, so low that Zhao Yunlan almost misses it, as if that is everything Shen Wei is good for.
As if he doesn’t hold Zhao Yunlan’s heart in his hands.
“You idiot,” Zhao Yunlan breathes out and pushes Shen Wei away.
He has a split second to notice the hurt expression on Shen Wei’s face before he manages to cover it up with one of his impassive masks and then Zhao Yunlan reels him in for a kiss.
Shen Wei seems stunned for a second, a long second where just doesn’t react, but then he surges up like he waited for this all his life or maybe even longer, and what does Zhao Yunlan know, maybe he did.
Zhao Yunlan only waited five months for this, and he already feels like it’s been forever, like he would drown if Shen Wei stepped away right now.
Luckily that isn’t the case; Shen Wei clings to him almost painfully, hands twisted into Zhao Yunlan’s shirt and the kiss is almost biting in its intensity.
But Zhao Yunlan smooths his hand over Shen Wei’s back, cupping his face with the other and gentles the kiss into something less desperate, something less afraid. He’s going to make sure that this isn’t the only chance they get, and he tries to let Shen Wei know, just through the kiss.
It seems to come across just fine, because Shen Wei sighs against his lips and suddenly they are sharing breath more than kissing, but this is also fine, it’s just as good. Still, Zhao Yunlan can’t help but press two, three more short, sweet kisses to Shen Wei’s lips.
“Come back to bed with me,” Zhao Yunlan mumbles and inwardly curses when Shen Wei tenses against him.
“You’re still healing,” he reprimands him and Zhao Yunlan sighs.
Of course Shen Wei is still, always, firstly concerned with Zhao Yunlan’s health.
“To sleep, Xiao Wei. Just to sleep.”
“You can do that on your own,” Shen Wei protests and Zhao Yunlan can’t help but roll his eyes at that.
“Maybe I don’t want to let you go yet.”
Shen Wei avoids his eyes for a heart-stopping moment and Zhao Yunlan instinctively tightens his grip on him.
“Tell me,” he begs him, afraid that Shen Wei will just slip through his fingers if he lets him go now, and Shen Wei sighs.
“I don’t need to sleep,” Shen Wei lowly admits, and Zhao Yunlan feels his brain stutter for a moment before he decides that this is a matter for another time.
“But you can lie down with me and let me hold you,” Zhao Yunlan tries and Shen Wei sags against him, leaning just a little bit more of his weight on him.
“Yes,” he breathlessly says, clearly desperate to hold Zhao Yunlan in return, not that he minds.
“Good,” Zhao Yunlan says and puts enough space between them to allow some movement, without ever taking his hand off Shen Wei.
They barely remember to push off their shoes before they slide into bed, still facing each other and Zhao Yunlan pulls Shen Wei close again, fits him neatly against his body. Shen Wei continues to cling to him once he gets his hands back on Zhao Yunlan, but he doesn’t mind.
The forceful grip at least reminds him that this is real, that Shen Wei is really there and not about to slip through his fingers like smoke, like it so often felt like before Shen Wei’s secret identity was revealed.
They breathe together, foreheads resting against each other, and Zhao Yunlan can’t help that his eyes slip close.
He enjoys Shen Wei’s warmth, relishes in the way that for once he can touch and not just look and he lets out a satisfied little sigh.
Shen Wei nuzzles closer, dusts a few kisses over his face, light like butterflies and whispers “Sleep. I’ll be here.”
“Good,” Zhao Yunlan breathes and then sluggishly blinks an eye open. “You’re gonna stare at me all night, huh?”
He wasn’t prepared for the look of pure awe on Shen Wei’s face, but he can’t say he’s completely surprised either.
“Possibly,” Shen Wei admits after a lengthy pause, still looking at Zhao Yunlan like this could be the last time, almost greedily drinking him in and Zhao Yunlan snuggles deeper into the bed, closer to Shen Wei, completely happy to stay right there and let this man hold and watch him.
There is still a lot they need to talk about, but Zhao Yunlan figures it can wait till morning.
“You’re lucky I love you,” Zhao Yunlan mumbles before he drifts off, but he still hears the surprised breath Shen Wei sucks in.
A reverently whispered “That I am,” follows Zhao Yunlan all the way into his dreams.
This is my birthday present for @yogi-bogey-box and I hope you enjoy it! I’m really grateful that we know each other and that you dragged me down this wonderful, painful road <3<3
You can either read it on AO3 here, or watch out for the cut since it’s more than 2.3k.
~*~*~
Shen Wei is afraid.
He is used to that feeling; he still remembers being petrified on the battlefield, but he has never before been afraid of things that didn’t concern fighting. It’s there now, though and Shen Wei doesn’t know how he’ll ever manage this fear.
He thinks back to what he told Zhu Hong, about falling out of love after at most three years and a small part of himself clings to that. Hopes, that it is true, even for him. He wants to believe that love is nothing more than a chemical reaction that will come to a natural end some day, even though he perfectly well knows it’s not true, could never be with how bright his love for Zhao Yunlan burns some days. And even before.
Shen Wei has loved Kun Lun for 10.000 years, or maybe just for three, he isn’t sure anymore, but it was always safe. Kun Lun wasn’t there, was lost to Shen Wei, ripped away after the briefest of meetings.
Shen Wei still never doubted his feelings for him, it’s just another truth there is for him. He lost his brother, he loves Kun Lun, he is bound by duty.
It was fine, safe even.
But now, now Zhao Yunlan is there, right in Shen Wei’s life, and Shen Wei is afraid.
Because this man, he’s everything to him. The breath in his lungs, the blood in his veins, the beat in his heart. Zhao Yunlan holds Shen Wei’s heart, his soul, his entire being in his hands and it scares Shen Wei sometimes just what he would do for him.
It didn’t used to; when he thought about Kun Lun it was always in an abstract sense since he was gone longer than Shen Wei had known him. “I wish I could have protected him,” the most prominent in Shen Wei’s head, selfishly wishing for more time with Kun Lun, but it was too late by then. Too late to contemplate what, exactly, he would have done to change Kun Lun’s fate.
But it’s a different matter with Zhao Yunlan altogether. Because he’s there and real, in a way Kun Lun hasn’t been in so long and for the first time in his all too long and not at all long enough life, Shen Wei ponders just how far he would go to make an as innocent statement as “I will protect him” come true.
Shen Wei isn’t surprised by the willingness to put his own life in danger for Zhao Yunlan. He already knew that, even back when he was still Kun Lun. Keeping him safe at the expanse of Shen Wei’s own life was always the thing to do for him.
What does scare him though is how willing he is to put everyone else’s life in danger for Zhao Yunlan.
In the short amount of time he knows Zhao Yunlan, this Zhao Yunlan, he has never hesitated to sacrifice his own well-being, his own life for him, but he has also never hesitated to hurt others, just to keep them away from Zhao Yunlan.
Shen Wei still tries to maintain the balance, be the Black Cloaked Envoy his people have known for years, but he finds it more and more difficult. There are rumors going around already, of his ruthlessness, of his changed personality, that he’s no longer loyal to Dixing first; he has heard them, but he can’t change them.
Because they are true.
His loyalty lies with Zhao Yunlan.
And it’s the scariest thing that ever happened to Shen Wei.
There are days he can barely look at Zhao Yunlan. Days where Shen Wei feels so desperate to make this man happy, to keep him safe and whole and protected, that he would raze the earth to the ground if it would ensure just that. On those days he’s too afraid to look for too long at Zhao Yunlan, fearing that if he even sees the hint of a wish on his face, Shen Wei would let it come true, no matter the consequences.
On other days, Shen Wei is too afraid to lean into the almost too familiar touch Zhao Yunlan offers so freely. Shen Wei fears that if he ever leaned into one of those casual hands on his shoulder, his arm, his back, he would just take like the greedy creature Shen Wei is; take Zhao Yunlan and pull him closer and never let him go. If he’s safely in Shen Wei’s arms there’s nothing that could hurt him after all.
On those days Shen Wei’s eyes never stay still, never fix on Zhao Yunlan and his hands shake with the need to reach out and with the effort to keep them close to himself. On those days Shen Wei keeps Zhao Yunlan just far enough away from him that he won’t ask questions.
But Shen Wei knows it’s just a matter of time. His Yunlan is too clever not to notice it.
And then there are days where Shen Wei is afraid of Zhao Yunlan. Those are arguably the worst ones.
His fear is two-folded, but equally all-consuming, and Shen Wei knows how to handle those days even less than the other ones.
The base of his fear is always the same: Zhao Yunlan puts that clever brain of his to good use and figures Shen Wei and his desperate love out. And then there are two options.
One, Zhao Yunlan is scared.
Shen Wei knows that sometimes he already is, just because Shen Wei loves him too much and Zhao Yunlan can’t figure out how that happened in the short amount of time they have known each other. How could he, with all the secrets Shen Wei is still keeping from him, without knowing their shared past.
Shen Wei fears that if Zhao Yunlan ever does figure it out, he’ll shy away, too afraid to come near the burning love Shen Wei has for him and even just the thought of that almost breaks Shen Wei apart.
Two, Zhao Yunlan will take whatever Shen Wei has to offer. That when Zhao Yunlan finds out just how far Shen Wei is willing to go for him, he’ll exploit it.
Those are the days where Shen Wei is afraid and hates himself for it, just a little bit.
Because his fear is unreasonable, he tries to tell himself again and again. It never sticks though, and instead just sinks its claws deeper and deeper into him.
Shen Wei doesn’t think Zhao Yunlan is that much of an asshole, but he’s a hothead, quick and brash in his decisions, and even quicker with his words. Shen Wei fears he’ll ask something of Shen Wei, knowing he can, knowing it will happen, only for him to regret it afterwards. Only for him to hate Shen Wei afterwards.
Between all of those days, there are not a lot left where Shen Wei can simply enjoy being near Zhao Yunlan, enjoy his presence and his wit and his inappropriate familiarity.
Between all of those days, Shen Wei is just busy trying not to drown in his fears.
So busy, in fact, that he doesn’t even notice the moment Zhao Yunlan figures it out.
They are in Zhao Yunlan’s apartment, Shen Wei almost as familiar with it as with his own, and he’s too busy not staring for too long at Zhao Yunlan, too busy not reaching out for him, to realize that the contemplating look on Zhao Yunlan should worry him.
“I figured it out, you know,” Zhao Yunlan says out of the blue, or maybe there was a lead up, Shen Wei wouldn’t know.
There are a dozen different thoughts flashing through Shen Wei’s mind, things Zhao Yunlan could have figured out: a case, Shen Wei, Ye Zun, what to eat for dinner.
The possibilities are endless with a mind like Zhao Yunlan’s, but the sinking feeling in Shen Wei’s gut and the cold that creeps up his spine tell him all he needs to know.
Shen Wei guesses it was inevitable; by not staring at Zhao Yunlan and by not keeping him close like he so desperately wanted, he gave Zhao Yunlan all the time in the world he needed to stare at Shen Wei in return. To figure him out.
“What?” he still asks, because he has to. He has to try and divert him into safer waters.
“You,” Zhao Yunlan says like it doesn’t mean anything at all, like he couldn’t shatter Shen Wei and the world with just one well-placed sentence.
“What is there to figure out?” Shen Wei asks, trying to distract Zhao Yunlan with a small smile, but his gaze stays focused and fixed on him.
“What isn’t there?” Zhao Yunlan wants to know in return.
He’s still sprawled on the couch, the perfect picture of relaxation, if it wasn’t for the tense set of his shoulders, the missing lollipops between his lips, and the unnatural stillness in his limbs.
For all that Shen Wei doesn’t watch him, he does know him.
Shen Wei quirks an eyebrow at him, daring him to say it, goading him along to get this over with. If this is how Shen Wei lays his everything at Zhao Yunlan’s feet, then let it be that way.
“I know that you would do anything for me.” The gaze he throws Shen Wei is not mocking, nor scared. It’s already better than what Shen Wei dared to hope for on his weakest days. “And there are two things I want you to do for me.”
This is where Zhao Yunlan finally sits up, sharpens his gaze into something Shen Wei fears is going to burn him alive. He figures as long as it's just him he's not even going to mind.
“What,” Shen Wei has to swallow hard before he can continue, “what do you want me to do?” The ‘for you’ is unspoken but it rings like a bell between them anyway.
“I want you to let me love you, too,” Zhao Yunlan says and it’s so unexpected it startles Shen Wei into fully looking at him.
The question must be visible on his face, because Zhao Yunlan’s face softens and he stands up, walks towards Shen Wei who feels rooted to the spot, unable to ever run from this man.
“You keep me an arms’ length away, always. Don’t. Let me love you, too. You make it incredibly hard, but I will do it anyway, just so you know. I just thought maybe you would like something easier for once.”
“I—,” Shen Wei clears his throat, “what’s the other thing?” he wants to know, buying himself some time, he hopes.
It could be incredibly dangerous for Zhao Yunlan to love him too, after all.
“Don’t ever leave me,” Zhao Yunlan presses out, his voice hard in a way Shen Wei hadn’t expected.
It leaves him startled, leaves him confused, because he doesn’t understand where this possessiveness comes from, but he figures it’s just fair, for Zhao Yunlan to turn the tables on him like that.
“I could never leave you again,” Shen Wei whispers, when Zhao Yunlan just holds his gaze, patiently waits him out.
There’s the beginning of a triumphant smile on Zhao Yunlan’s face but he still narrows his eyes anyway.
“What about the other thing?” he wants to know, and Shen Wei looks away, clenches his hands at his side.
He flinches when Zhao Yunlan reaches out for him, loosens his fist and threats their fingers together.
He will always protect this man, even if it means ripping his own heart out in the process.
“I know that you show mercy when I ask you to. I know that you save lives when I beg for them. I know that you kill for me when someone hurts me. I have been paying attention, Shen Wei, and I want that. I want you. All of it.”
Of course Zhao Yunlan had noticed. He always does, no matter how hard Shen Wei tries to keep something from him.
“Xiao Wei, come on,” Zhao Yunlan whispers, lips fluttering over Shen Wei’s cheek, and even though Shen Wei is so weak for this man, protecting him comes first.
“You could get hurt. You could die,” Shen Wei says as he tries to move away from Zhao Yunlan. And then, because it’s the truth and one of the greatest pains Shen Wei has ever known: “I could lose you.”
“Ah, but you already did once, didn’t you, Xiao Wei?” Zhao Yunlan gently asks and Shen Wei shudders against him, because this man is going to unravel him.
And Shen Wei might just be ready to let him.
His hands shoot out, pulling Zhao Yunlan close and clutching at him as if he could vanish into thin air again.
“Don’t make me go through it again,” Shen Wei begs, words pressing into Zhao Yunlan’s temple and Shen Wei is gratified to find that Zhao Yunlan holds him just as close, just as desperately.
“Maybe you should keep me really close, just so that you can make sure nothing happens to me,” Zhao Yunlan replies, and Shen Wei can’t help it, he has to laugh because this man. This man is everything.
Shen Wei doesn’t answer, just pulls Zhao Yunlan that much closer, letting that speak for him. Going by the contented little sigh Zhao Yunlan lets out, he understands Shen Wei even without words.
“I’m not going to let you go again,” Shen Wei says, maybe in a last desperate attempt to save him from his all-consuming love for him, but Zhao Yunlan only snuggles in closer.
“That was the deal, wasn’t it?”
Shen Wei breathes him in, reveling in the weight and warmth in his arms and he thinks that if all his fears, all the days of drowning and burning in turn lead to this—it’s worth it.
Sooo, this is my first Guardian fic and it contains spoilers up to and including episode 35. It’s basically just a Shen Wei character study and set between-canon.
~*~*~
When Shen Wei woke up, he was profoundly disappointed. People around him were yelling, obviously excited to see him but Shen Wei couldn’t pay them any attention.
He had just lost Kun Lun; after only knowing him for such a short amount of time, which made his loss hurt all the more. And Ye Zun; the loss of his brother, again, was almost unbearable.
Shen Wei wondered why he hadn’t died, why he was forced to wake up again.
And then he learns that ten thousand years have passed. No time for him at all, not even a blink, since he was so blissfully unaware of the passing of time, asleep in one moment, awake the next.
But it makes his awakening even more devastating.
The regent, and Shen Wei is going to have to keep a close eye on that one, tells him his brother has been imprisoned in a pillar all this time. There’s this spark of hope, his mood infinitely lifted at the prospect of speaking to his brother again, but even that hope is soon enough trampled.
Where Shen Wei has been asleep for the past ten thousand years, Ye Zun has been awake, plotting and hating and it shows. He is nothing at all like the brother Shen Wei remembers; sweet and a little bit soft, trusting and open. This Ye Zun is the exact opposite in every conceivable way.
It only makes the loss of his brother more pronounced.
The regent releases him to Haixing and everything has changed. Shen Wei doesn’t recognize the planet he’s standing on, and he’s entrusted with keeping it safe, yet again. He tries his best, even though he often thinks it’s not good enough.
Kun Lun’s promise rattles around in Shen Wei’s brain, ‘We will meet again’, and he lets out a bitter laugh whenever his voice drowns out every other thought Shen Wei has.
Shen Wei has studied every book on time travel and wormholes he could find in the Dixing library, since the humans aren’t at that stage yet, but nothing sparks the confidence Kun Lun spoke with. People die, regularly, in wormholes; no one has made it through twice, yet. The possibility that Kun Lun died ten thousand years ago is much higher than the chance of them ever meeting again.
Plus, Shen Wei doesn’t even know what time Kun Lun had come from. He could be long dead; lived his life and died, while Shen Wei was asleep, dreaming of him.
The lollipops, Shen Wei researched them as soon as he saw a human with one, are no help either. They have already been around too long to give Shen Wei any hope of ever meeting Kun Lun again.
Still, despite the brother who is insane and hates him, and the no doubt lost Kun Lun, Shen Wei builds a life with the humans. Gets an apartment, a job, establishes a routine.
But every night in bed he can’t help but hate Kun Lun a little bit for his words. He gave Shen Wei hope when he isn’t sure there even is anything left to hope for. A goodbye, a clear ‘this is our one shot we get’ would have made things so much easier.
Shen Wei would still grieve for Kun Lun, how could he not with how deeply he had affected his life in just such a short amount of time, but it would be a closed chapter of his never-ending life.
Instead there’s this niggling thought of ‘maybe’, ‘eventually’ always rattling around in Shen Wei’s head and he’s tired of it.
Tired of looking for Kun Lun in the streets, tired of listening for his voice, for his laugh, tired of contemplating buying lollipop after lollipop, hoping to find that one flavor Kun Lun had shared with him, once upon a time, just yesterday.
He still goes through the motion; keeps an eye on the regent, fulfills his duty as the Black Cloaked Envoy and tries to instill even a little bit of understanding about biological engineering into his students. Not all of these go as well as Shen Wei would like.
And always, forever, he hears Kun Lun’s voice, telling him they will meet again.
It’s a very small hope to cling to, but Shen Wei can’t help himself. It’s all he has left.
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: 镇魂 | Guardian (TV)
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Shěn Wēi/Zhào Yúnlán
Characters: Shěn Wēi, Zhào Yúnlán
Additional Tags: Getting Together, Misunderstandings, Fluff, First Kiss
Series: Part 2 of Soft Evenings And Even Softer Mornings
Summary:
Zhao Yunlan finally opens his eyes, but there is no Shen Wei in bed with him, and really, why should there be?
He heaves out a heavy sigh and then startles badly when there’s a noise from the kitchen. He shoots up into a sitting position and cranes his neck around, only to relax immediately when he sees the familiar back of Shen Wei at his kitchen counter.
This fic was inspired by this pic, which I have lovingly dubbed soft bathing pic, and it’s exactly what the fic is about. You can read it either here on AO3 or watch out for the read more since it’s longer than 3.6k.
~*~*~
Shen Wei knows that Zhao Yunlan has to deal with his superiors, that he owes them explanations for what the SID did or didn’t do in the past year, but he has barely seen Zhao Yunlan in the past three days and he is beginning to worry.
He hasn’t heard of a new threat, there is no recent report of a Dixing-ian getting out and causing trouble, and Shen Wei would have been informed about that anyway since it is the duty of the Black Cloaked Envoy to bring stray Dixing-ians to justice.
But everything has been quiet these past few days. Too quiet, Shen Wei admits to himself, because he misses Zhao Yunlan’s ever-present voice.
Shen Wei is standing in the middle of Zhao Yunlan’s apartment, desperately searching for something to do. But since Zhao Yunlan hasn’t been home lately, he hasn't had a chance of undoing Shen Wei’s work. Everything is still as tidy as Shen Wei left it yesterday evening. Even the bed is still made, and Shen Wei worries about Zhao Yunlan’s sleep. He doesn’t get enough as it is; he can’t afford to lose even more sleep. Shen Wei already fears that the dark circles under Zhao Yunlan's eyes will be permanent.
Shen Wei turns towards the kitchen, but he has already prepared dinner, choosing dishes that can easily be put into the fridge should Zhao Yunlan not come home again this night, so there is nothing left to do there either. Everything is already bottled up and put away, because while Shen Wei’s heart holds out hope that Zhao Yunlan will come home tonight, his head knows better.
Just as Shen Wei wonders if he should do his paperwork in his own apartment or here, like he has in the past two days, the door opens and Zhao Yunlan stumbles in.
“I hoped you’d be here,” he mumbles instead of greeting Shen Wei like a normal person, shrugging his jacket off and letting it drop to the floor.
Shen Wei watches it with an exasperated sigh that even to his own ears sounds too fond, before he turns a questioning gaze at Zhao Yunlan.
“I tried your apartment first, but you weren’t home,” Zhao Yunlan explains, shuffling across the room towards Shen Wei.
When Zhao Yunlan reaches him, he leans against Shen Wei, resting his whole weight against him.
For a second Shen Wei doesn’t know what to do with his hands in face of this sudden closeness, but then he carefully settles them on Zhao Yunlan’s upper back. “What are you doing?” he asks, mindful not to dislodge Zhao Yunlan even as he adjusts his stance to support his weight better.
Zhao Yunlan lets out a content little sigh and almost melts against Shen Wei for a long, wonderful, torturous moment, before he moves away again.
“Now I can go to bed,” he mutters, rubbing his eyes, but Shen Wei stops him with a hand on his wrist.
“You should shower first,” Shen Wei softly admonishes him, and Zhao Yunlan deflates.
“I just spent three days explaining every little detail of every case we had in the past year to my superiors. I think I earned going to bed.”
“If you didn’t have time to sleep in the past three days, you didn’t have time to shower either,” Shen Wei says, and he is helpless against the smile that plays around his mouth at Zhao Yunlan’s pleading look.
“Shen Wei,” Zhao Yunlan whines, but Shen Wei gently steers him towards the bathroom.
“If you want me to shower so much, you can do it.”
Shen Wei briefly freezes in his steps, sure that he must have misheard what Zhao Yunlan said, but when Zhao Yunlan notices that he was no longer following him into the bathroom he tugs Shen Wei along.
“I’m too tired to stay upright in a shower and I’m definitely too tired to not drown in a bath. If you want me to be clean that much, you have to help,” Zhao Yunlan explains, and Shen Wei wishes he would turn around so he can read his facial expression.
“Zhao Yunlan, I don’t think—,” Shen Wei starts but is cut off when Zhao Yunlan turns around, a pleading expression on his face.
“Please? I’m just gonna fall asleep where I stand,” Zhao Yunlan says and Shen Wei knows he should say no, but he is always so weak where it concerns Zhao Yunlan.
“Fine,” he gives in, silently wondering if Zhao Yunlan is just playing up his tiredness in an attempt to get Shen Wei close. It wouldn’t be the first time he tried something like this.
But when Shen Wei steps closer he can see the utter exhaustion in every line on Zhao Yunlan’s face and so he doesn’t think twice about helping him undress.
Zhao Yunlan moves where Shen Wei directs him to without complaint and so his shirt is quickly discarded to the floor. Shen Wei feels the faint itch to pick it up again and bring it to the hamper, but he will have enough time to do that once Zhao Yunlan is in bed. Shen Wei keeps his gaze averted as best as he can, because for all the time he has spent in Zhao Yunlan’s apartment, taking care of him and tidying up, he has never seen him without his shirt, let alone completely undressed. It is a lot to take in all at once, Shen Wei can tell just from catching glimpses, but then he realizes that he is about to help Zhao Yunlan bathe and he should probably get used to looking at him right now.
So he drags his eyes over Zhao Yunlan’s upper body, absently noting that he could do with a little bit more weight, taking it all in and suppressing the urge to immediately touch him, before he remembers that there are still clothes left he should help him take off.
Shen Wei kneels down, undoing Zhao Yunlan’s laces, and he has to hide a small smile when he hears a cut off noise at that.
“Up,” Shen Wei orders with a small tug when the boot is ready to come off, and Zhao Yunlan leans forward to steady himself against Shen Wei’s shoulder as he lifts first his right and then the left foot so that Shen Wei can take off his boots and socks.
“Didn’t think this through,” Zhao Yunlan mutters when Shen Wei stands up again and quickly undoes the button of his jeans.
Shen Wei ducks his head to hide his amused expression, but when his gaze falls on his hands, which are still lingering on the button, he has to swallow.
Maybe Zhao Yunlan isn’t the only one who hasn’t thought this through.
But there is no turning back now; Zhao Yunlan has asked for his help and as long as he doesn’t tell him to stop, Shen Wei will always do everything he can for him.
Shen Wei hooks his thumbs underneath Zhao Yunlan’s jeans and underwear and drags both down in one go, gently tapping Zhao Yunlan’s leg when he is a little bit too slow to lift his foot.
Shen Wei averts his gaze as best as he can, but it is almost impossible to not at least catch a glimpse. And Shen Wei wants so much more.
He wants to look his fill, wants to touch until he gets tired of it; he wants to roam his hands over the so tantalizingly displayed skin. But that isn’t what Zhao Yunlan wants and it definitely isn’t what he needs. So Shen Wei pushes down the urge to reach out, he has some experience with that after all, and fixes his gaze on something that is safer, like Zhao Yunlan’s face.
Shen Wei still notices the faint shiver that runs through him, because noticing Zhao Yunlan is what Shen Wei is best at, sees the goosebumps springing up on his arms, and Shen Wei pushes him towards the bathtub with a gentle hand to his back.
Shen Wei starts the water and plugs the tub with a blatant misuse of his power, but he figures staying close to Zhao Yunlan and allowing him to not only lean on him, but also leech a little bit of his—albeit scarce—body heat is more important.
“You’re lucky there’s no one who monitors the use of your powers,” Zhao Yunlan mumbles, leaning heavily against Shen Wei.
“Are you complaining?” Shen Wei wants to know and Zhao Yunlan hums happily.
“Never,” he gives back, and Shen Wei has to duck his head again, desperate to try and hide his blush. It is still novel to him that Zhao Yunlan isn’t afraid of his powers.
Shen Wei quickly checks the temperature when they are close enough and then he nudges Zhao Yunlan.
“Get in.”
“You’re not going to leave, right?” Zhao Yunlan asks and clings to his arm. “It wasn’t a joke when I said I’d drown.”
“I’m not leaving,” Shen Wei promises and Zhao Yunlan nods once before he steps into the tub.
He lets out a satisfied groan when he sinks into the hot water and immediately sprawls back against the tub, his eyes closed with something close to bliss on his face.
Shen Wei wants to always see that expression on him. He wants to be the one who puts that expression there, makes it permanent, but before he can do anything that he will regret, he takes a deep breath and stops the water that is now reaching up to Zhao Yunlan’s chest.
“Don’t drown for a second,” Shen Wei says, resisting the urge to run his fingers through Zhao Yunlan’s hair, and turns away to find a washcloth.
“Shouldn’t leave me alone then,” Zhao Yunlan mutters, but when Shen Wei turns back around, cloth in his hand, his eyes are following Shen Wei’s every move.
“You really should lose that,” Zhao Yunlan says with a nod towards Shen Wei’s chest, indicating his suit jacket.
Shen Wei looks down on himself, realizing that Zhao Yunlan is probably right, but if he takes off the jacket it will only leave him with his shirt; stripping him yet again of another layer of his defenses. And Zhao Yunlan is already dangerously close to breaking all the way through. Shen Wei doesn’t know if he can do it.
“I’m not asking you to get naked with me,” Zhao Yunlan mutters when Shen Wei takes too long to respond, closing his eyes and turning his head away, though it did nothing to hide the odd tone in his voice. “I’m just asking you to not ruin your suit because of me.”
Shen Wei can’t help the image that springs up in his mind; one where he does get naked with Zhao Yunlan and slides into the bathtub behind him, cradling him close and keeping him safe. But it won’t happen and Shen Wei bans the image from his head.
“You’re probably right,” he admits after a long moment and Zhao Yunlan lazily grins up at him.
“When am I ever not?” he mutters, closing his eyes again and leaning back against the tub, completely relaxing into the hot water.
Shen Wei knows that he will fall asleep rather quickly, and while manhandling him while he is asleep would be no hardship for Shen Wei, he prefers to get Zhao Yunlan into bed before he is completely asleep.
So he shucks off his suit jacket, quickly rolling the sleeves of his shirt up and then he takes the shower head and puts the washcloth down in reaching distance.
He uses his powers to turn the water on again and aims the spray away from Zhao Yunlan until it has an acceptable temperature.
“Lean forward,” he gently instructs Zhao Yunlan, who sluggishly blinks at him and takes a little bit too long to get his body moving.
If Shen Wei doesn’t want him to fall asleep in the tub, he has to be quick and efficient about this.
When Zhao Yunlan is slumped forward, Shen Wei gently tilts his head back, his fingers under Zhao Yunlan’s chin, feeling the breath flutter in his throat and his pulse beating against his skin.
These are stolen moments, and Shen Wei hates himself a little bit for taking them like this, but he also can’t help himself. Zhao Yunlan is like a siren’s call to him and he never learned to resist him completely.
Shen Wei brings the shower head up, directing the spray onto Zhao Yunlan’s shoulders before he carefully wets his hair as well. He follows the flow of the water with his eyes, watches it sluice over Zhao Yunlan’s skin, and before he knows it he is trailing one finger down Zhao Yunlan’s spine, feeling every vertebra under the tip of his finger.
Zhao Yunlan really ought to eat more, Shen Wei decides and mentally runs through a list of hearty foods he can make him.
He is startled out of his thoughts when Zhao Yunlan lets out a content hum, and Shen Wei remembers what he’s supposed to do. He takes his hand off Zhao Yunlan, reaches for the shampoo before he puts a generous drop into Zhao Yunlan’s hair.
He puts the shower head back, letting the spray add to the water in the bathtub, and gets his hands into Zhao Yunlan’s hair, massaging his scalp as he works the shampoo into the hair. Zhao Yunlan trustingly tilts his head back, lets Shen Wei hold his head, and Shen Wei is yet again overwhelmed with the urge to get his hands on Zhao Yunlan in a different way than this innocent action.
He can picture himself leaning down, trailing kisses up the so beautifully exposed throat; he could tilt Zhao Yunlan’s head to the side to get better access, could slide his hands down Zhao Yunlan’s front, but he doesn’t. He can’t. He’s not allowed to do any of that.
Shen Wei mentally berates himself, and focuses back at the task at hand.
Once he deems Zhao Yunlan’s hair clean enough, he carefully washes the lather back out, mindful not to let anything get into Zhao Yunlan’s eyes.
He gets the body wash next, grateful for the barrier of the washcloth between his hand and Zhao Yunlan’s skin, because even like this he struggles to keep his movements short and perfunctory.
All he wants to do is caress Zhao Yunlan until he’s putty in his hands.
Shen Wei cleans the washcloth and wrings it out, before he washes the lather off Zhao Yunlan’s body.
He could spend another hour with Zhao Yunlan like this and it would be no hardship, but he deems him clean enough and going by the way Zhao Yunlan’s head lolls on his shoulders it’s high time for him to sleep.
Shen Wei shuts off the water and unplugs the bathtub before he gently grabs Zhao Yunlan under his elbow.
“Alright, up,” he says, ignoring the unhappy sound Zhao Yunlan makes when the warm water drains away.
“Can’t be done yet, I just got in,” Zhao Yunlan sleepily protests and Shen Wei chuckles.
“You’re done, I promise,” he tells him, unable to hide his smile when Zhao Yunlan narrows his eyes at him.
“Impossible,” he mutters. “Gotta have to do it again when I’m more awake.”
Shen Wei presses his lips together at that, reminding himself to not read too much into it, because Zhao Yunlan clearly isn’t at peak mental capacity.
Zhao Yunlan clumsily gets to his feet, leaning heavily into the hand Shen Wei still has on his elbow, and Shen Wei steadies him as he steps out of the bathtub.
Shen Wei quickly puts a towel over the toilet and drops Zhao Yunlan off there, as he searches for a second towel and the hair drier. The first is easy enough to find, and Shen Wei has to admit that he isn’t too surprised when he can’t locate the second. Zhao Yunlan seems like the reckless type who would rather risk a cold than own a hair dryer.
But without it, all Shen Wei can do is towel his hair dry as best as he can. He tries to be gentle about it, and Zhao Yunlan seems to rather enjoy it. Shen Wei wants to untangle his hair by brushing his fingers through it, but he stomps down on that urge and instead puts the towel around his shoulders and gets the hairbrush. He runs it through Zhao Yunlan’s soft strands, careful not to tug too hard, and he can tell that the motion is lulling Zhao Yunlan into sleep, even more so than the warmth of the bath did. Shen Wei stops the motion, even though he wants to keep going indefinitely, but getting Zhao Yunlan into bed takes precedence. He towels the rest of his body off, quick and efficient, Zhao Yunlan allowing himself to be moved like Shen Wei wants him to. Soon enough he’s dry, skin flushed a lovely shade of pink,and Shen Wei clenches his teeth.
He can’t do it, he reminds himself. Can’t just trail his lips over the flush, as if he has every right to it. Instead he takes a step back and pulls Zhao Yunlan up.
Shen Wei guides him out of the bathroom, glad to see Zhao Yunlan’s sleeping clothes on his bed.
“Time for you to sleep,” Shen Wei tells him and Zhao Yunlan eyes him curiously.
“You’re not going to insist that I eat first?”
“I put the food I prepared into the fridge. It will keep.”
“Ah, Xiao Wei, Xiao Wei, you really are too perfect for me,” Zhao Yunlan mutters under his breath and Shen Wei’s stomach does a funny thing at hearing that nickname.
“Nonsense,” he brusquely says and sits Zhao Yunlan down on the bed. “Can you dress yourself?” he wants to know, and Zhao Yunlan tilts his head in consideration.
“No,” he finally decides, and Shen Wei suppresses a sigh. He really doesn’t make it easy on him.
“I’m not your nanny,” Shen Wei scolds him, half-heartedly at best and Zhao Yunlan’s eyes spark, despite the tiredness in them.
“No, you’re definitely not,” he gives back, and Shen Wei ducks his head again, busying himself with grabbing Zhao Yunlan’s sleeping shirt.
“Arms,” he instructs, and does not feel a rush of warmth go through him when Zhao Yunlan obeys him without hesitation. He slides his arms into the sleeves, tugs the shirt down and over his head, and once it’s settled on Zhao Yunlan, he reaches for the pants.
Shen Wei gracefully kneels, desperately ignoring that there are many other things he could be doing in this position as he slides Zhao Yunlan’s feet into the pants.
“Up,” he says, but Zhao Yunlan is moving almost before Shen Wei voiced his command and he’s quick to tug the pants up.
Zhao Yunlan is not helping him at all, amusement clear in his face, before it’s all washed away when he has to yawn.
“Go get some sleep,” Shen Wei says and pushes Zhao Yunlan back down on the bed, still gentle, always gentle with Zhao Yunlan, but not allowing any resistance.
Zhao Yunlan flops down as if all his strings have been cut and Shen Wei wrestles the blanket out from under him, leaning over him in a way that would make it so easy to lean down and press a soft kiss to his full lips.
Instead Shen Wei just tucks him in, securing the blanket around Zhao Yunlan. Zhao Yunlan has his gaze on him, Shen Wei can tell, but he tries to ignore it as best as he can.
“There is one more thing you can do for me,” Zhao Yunlan sleepily mumbles, and Shen Wei bites his tongue to not let the ‘Always’ spill out. Zhao Yunlan doesn’t need to know that.
“What?” he asks, but his tone is softer than he has intended, even he can tell.
“Come to bed with me,” Zhao Yunlan says and grabs Shen Wei’s hand when he pulls away in surprise.
“Zhao Yunlan—,” Shen Wei starts, but he doesn’t really know where he’s going with the sentence. There is nothing he wants to do more than join Zhao Yunlan in bed, and with the pleading gaze fixed on him, he can’t remember the myriads of reasons why he shouldn’t.
“Please,” Zhao Yunlan adds when Shen Wei stays frozen with indecision for too long, and Shen Wei deflates.
There is nothing he wouldn’t do for Zhao Yunlan.
“Scoot over,” Shen Wei instructs as he bends down to undo his laces, almost kicking off his shoes with impatience, and going by the amused look on Zhao Yunlan’s face, he will be teased about this mercilessly later.
Zhao Yunlan makes space for him in the bed, and Shen Wei only hesitates for a second before he slides under the covers. He doesn’t know how he will keep the proper distance between them after this, but when Zhao Yunlan pulls him close by his waist, rests his head on Shen Wei’s shoulder and presses a lingering kiss to his throat, he figures maybe he doesn’t have to.
“Wanted to have you here for a long time,” Zhao Yunlan mutters, sleep clearly already tugging at him and Shen Wei hides his helpless smile in his hair.
“All you had to do was ask,” he tells him lowly, gathering him closer in his arms and reveling in the way Zhao Yunlan goes boneless against him.
Shen Wei closes his eyes, concentrating on the weight of Zhao Yunlan half on top of him, his warmth seeping in against his side, the soft sound of his breaths tickling the skin at his throat. For the first time in way too long, Shen Wei feels at peace.
He doesn’t know who drifts off first but they both do it with a smile on their faces.
