things i learnt during a talk w my dad at 1am:
- he acknowledges that he & my mum are just as clueless as me abt uni since they never went (aka. @ my mum pls chill)
- he's not disappointed that i haven't been more active abt researching/choosing unis
- he knows that my mother often takes things too far and is cruel in her criticisms
- he is far more honest when drunk
- he is proud of me (but doesn't think this puts any pressure on me)
- however, realises my GCSEs were v tough bc everyone expected me to get 10 A*s and anything else = Failure
- and that IB is v hard
- he feels guilty for not being around to support me in IB
- feels guilty about a lot of things??
- so telling him I'm depressed would be a shitty move (@ myself don't be a dick, save ur own ass)
- still not above explicitly saying i should've chosen A Levels not IB geez thanks
- he loves me
- he's also wildly off about my mental health
- thinks he knows me - similar to mother's comment that "people think they're better at hiding things than they actually are" - very ironic considering i have anxiety and depression but they are unaware of both
- despite seeing some of my sh scars
- however no recent ones therefore i must've gotten over it right
- wrong I'm better at hiding!!!
- says that "i know you go through rough patches where you think negatively but i think that's all seventeen yr olds" no dad it's fucking depression i want to die
- thinks he knows that "you had a tough time two years ago or something but you're fine now!!!" i.e. seems not to understand idea of a 'relapse'…..didn't say anything
- he wants me to be open and tell him if he says something hugely wrong (in his interpretation of me)
- therefore i am a terrible awful liar and deserve to die - vast majority of situations can be explained by my depression
- or my anxiety
- holding back tears was the most cathartic and bone-soothing moment of my entire day
- will later ask me if i ever have "depressive times" and i will lie
- will later get angry at me for the same reasons he said he was not angry earlier and i will forget every positive thing anyone has ever said to me and hate myself yet again
