so, I switched things up a bit. I’ve added a portion of Irene content I felt needed to be included. If I’m being as chronologically accurate as I want to be, it needs to happen now. If I put it off a few chapters later I think it will feel like too much happening at once sort of thing. Anyway it is just a 1st look at what Irene’s mission actually is going to be at her new installation and her approach to going about it. I wanted to add it when I had Irene contact Seulgi but I didn’t have enough in mind at that time so I squished it in here. Character development, I hear it is important. So with that added as the first portion of chapter 45, the remainder will be following up where I last left with Wendy and her finding the picture of Seulgi scenario.
stay in my arms (until everything in this world changes).
son seungwan x reader.
synopsis: seungwan walks you home. under the streetlights, through familiar and undetected backroads, you talk about your past, and life — one last time.
notes: based off of 'walking at night' from persona - i randomly got this idea and wrote it in the same night so the idea isn't as fleshed out as i wanted it to be😭
cw. mentions of death.
tags. angst, major character death, idk how to tag i'm sorry, ghost!wendy, grief and loss
“yn-ah,” seungwan whispers, her fingers intertwined with yours. “you look tired.”
you hum as you lift your head, eyes squinting at the glittering streetlights above. “i'm just thinking,"
the streets are quiet at this hour— cafes and small stores which were once bustling with local people grew silent, with the occasional chirp of a cricket from the bushes. the light from the moon is soft, illuminating seungwan's face in a way that makes you stare at her in awe. she smiles back at you, gripping your hand tighter in hers as she continues walking.
it's hotter now; the days are longer and unbearable in the way they cause you to sweat and toss and turn as you try to sleep. but the nights are cold— cold in a way that soothes your irritated, sunburnt skin and kissed your face with every gust of wind.
seungwan’s not usually this quiet.
she's usually chatting your ear off about anything, really, whether it be a new movie she watched lately, or whatever you're having for breakfast tomorrow — she was never really one to stop talking once comfortable. you stare at her back— her hair is shorter, cut to her mid-neck, her clothes are freshly ironed, and her stride is confident yet soft.
seungwan’s perfume overwhelms your senses— violet, magnolia with hints sandalwood. it's soft, just like her. she laughs, melodic and quiet. “you should've worn a jacket. you look cold.”
you shake your head. “i'm not, i swear.”
her eyes meet yours. in the pale moonlight, seungwan smiles. “do you remember our first date?”
you nod, still following her as she dragged you through the dim-lit streets. “it was around here.”
“good. you should.” seungwan pauses. “remembering is good. it keeps us alive.” you turn your head to look at her, urging seungwan to continue. she doesn't. only looks at you with those bright eyes and leads you towards stairs.
her hand is cold.
the woman next to you stays silent for a while, before clicking her tongue. “i don't think people want to die.”
the silence between you is charged, heavy— unnatural. until she speaks. you expect seungwan to talk about how her day’s gone. not whatever that followed.
“my sister was having a hard time, i remember.” seungwan continued, dragging her feet over the pavement. “but she endured all that time in the hospital because she didn't want to die.”
you stay quiet, unsure of what to say as you look i'll up at the streetlight ahead.
she hums, sensing your mood. “i promised myself that i'll resist life when i die. i'll accept my death.”
she chuckled again, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear as she stopped in her tracks and turned to you.
“why are we talking about this?” you question, furrowing your brows.
“about what?”
“about death,” you pause. “it's gloomy.”
a thick blanket of silence falls over the two of you as the powerlines hummed and the wind blew in your faces. suddenly, seungwan speaks again.
“because i'm dead.”
you turn to look at her, cautiously.
“did you forget?”
another wave of silence washes over you as you ponder what to say— just what would be appropriate in this situation? a gust of wind blows past you, ruffling seungwan's hair and causing you to hug your hoodie closer to your body.
you nod slowly, swallowing thickly. “i remember now.”
seungwan stares into your eyes, unblinking. your hand trembles as the light above flickers. lip quivering, you sniffle, feeling hot tears prick the sides of your eyes and wet your cheeks. “you… you did..” you mumble. “you died.”
she reaches out, cupping your face with both hands as you quietly sobbed. “hey, don't cry.” seungwan chides softly. “why are you crying? you're making me sad.”
why are you crying? you don't even know the answer to that yourself, you think as you gaze into seungwan’s brown eyes. pity. you're mad at her. she died— she died and left you here all alone, but you couldn't even hate her— how could you?
seungwan was your first love, the woman who you had dated for six years. the one you shared your dreams, your life, a home with.
the one that left you too soon.
and you realise that you'll never feel her soft locks tickle your neck as you slept in each others’ arms; never feel her warm hands against yours or hear seungwan’s voice sing lullabies whenever you couldn't sleep. not anymore.
because seungwan was gone.
and she wasn't coming back.
her clothes are still folded neatly in the hamper, for a day she would never live to see—her makeup pouch still lies on your vanity. the record player she bought on impulse sits atop your shelf, collecting dust.
you cant bring yourself to move it.
shes quiet again.
“do you realise you're in a dream now?”
you look back at her, humming. “you're not real, then?”
seungwan looks into your eyes as she tilts her head. “i am.”
“well, i'm not alive, so maybe i'm not.”
she hums. “i feel like i'm slipping away. i just wanted to see you, one more time, before i fully disappear.” a smile. one that doesn't light up her eyes completely. “so i used your dream.”
you blink, biting the inside of your cheek.
the short haired woman exhales, slowly moving her hand back to clutching yours. “i heard that when you wake up from a dream, you would barely remember it.”
a low sound escapes your throat as you rest your forehead against seungwans shoulder. “what's the point, then?”
she smiles again. “remembering isn't important.”
“the important thing… is that we can be together like this again.”
before you even get time to respond, seungwan tugs your hand again, urging you forward. for a while, the only sound from the two of you are of deep, synced breaths and shoes clumsily dragging across the pavement before seungwan begins to hum quietly— you recognise the song— her favourite; the one she would sing to you softly as she rubbed your back when you couldn't sleep.
the understanding between you transcends words as you walk in silence, your hands still intertwined. it's comforting, you think. though it's merely a dream, getting to hold seungwan’s hand one last time brings you peace. you are the first to break the silence this time. “i don't want to let you go. i wasn't ready.”
seungwan squeezes your hand a little tighter. “i know.” she nods. “that's why you're dreaming of me.”
“do you dream of me, too?” you mutter, rather foolishly.
she laughs, it's quiet, carried by the wind. “...dead people don't dream.” came her reply.
seungwan tugs you forward, and now you recognise that she has brought you home, the familiar steps to your door coming into view. she smiles bitterly. “i have to go now.”
feeling tears welling up in your eyes once again, you turn to her, your eyes wide and your chest tight with longing. “will i see you again?”
only now do you realise she’s crying, too. she wipes your eyes like she's always done when she was alive, kisses your temple. “i don't know.” seungwan grows quiet again. “but you shouldn't.”
you sniffle, breaking eye contact as you stare down at the pavement, your shoulders wracking with sobs. seungwan rubs your back as you feel her tears dripping onto your hair. “you need to learn how to walk without me. i'm still here.”
“seungwan,” softly, you call out her name.
she nods in understanding, pulling you in for one last kiss. it's slow, filled with resignation and tears. after what feels like eternity, seungwan pulls away from you, looking into your eyes once again. “goodbye,”
with a hand on your door, she twists the knob and turns around, waving at you with a small smile as you disappear inside.
“i'll wait for you.”
you don't realise that shes crying, too.
—
when you open your eyes next, theyre already watery. your cheeks are wet and your lip is swollen. sitting up, you stare at the empty spot in bed and you bite your lip in attempt to muffle your cries.
the bed is exaclty how she left it weeks ago — the pillows on her side haphazardly arranged on the mattress.
on the bedside table lies a polaroid picture of you and seungwan.
bringing your knees to your chest, you bury your face in your hands, hunched over as sobs wracked your entire body.
Quickest turn around I’ve had in awhile. I wasn’t expecting to finish but it just came out. I also decided to publish something before I head to comic con for a week. (I leave tonight!) I’ve been planning on how to get certain characters back involved with each other since they first all came together in ch39. I know it hasn’t been long time or content wise but I knew I wanted it sooner rather than later. (Like maybe 1 more volume and not another 30 chapters) much of my chapter 40 and 41 dilemmas were attributed to that. I wanted to set a premise and didn’t want to write myself into a corner. Ideas I think fit initially don’t always work and connect once I started fleshing out dialogue and interactions. In chapter 44 for example, the conclusion with Billy and Wendy wasn’t the original plan. She was going to just find the picture Billy had and then pursue Billy because he was already gone. I realized that would lead to too much down the road and decided to go a different route. I will resume chapter 45 when I get home. (I come back into town Tuesday, in a week.)
