#what-talks

[amazingwhat]

i just played some of the Indivisible prototype (its free for windows, mac, and linux OSs) and my god, it is wonderful. its 20 days into it’s indiegogo campaign and Lab Zero is asking for 1.5 million dollars by November 15th. theyve reached 30% of their goal.

now this game is super fun. its a RPG/platform-style game set in a south-asian sort of environment. the music is gorgeous and the visual style is absolutely brilliant. im not very good at platformers or RPGs but i had an absolute blast playing this. 

in addition to the main character, Ajna, there are currently 3 other members who can be part of your merry band of heroes. there is Zebei, an archer whose got some really sick archery animations and Tungar, (he’s my favorite second to Ajna) who is a tiny, built-like-a-brick-wall kind of fellow who is a master of the “urumi” which is a really cool sword with a ribbon like blade (im just lifting this info off the indiegogo page) and also Razmi, who is this awesome mage lady who has a tiger spirit in her lantern. 

its so cool and fun and though the prototype is pretty bare-bones atm, the finished product (if they get enough funding) will be awesome. 

[amazingwhat]

wouldnt it be cool if it was a social norm for parents to choose placeholder names for their kids for when they are young (maybe like letters of the alphabet?) and than the kids can change their name whenever they want??

like if i called my kid “K” than they could pick any name that started with a K (or maybe not even bound by K? any name? i just figured itd be easier to go from being known as like “K Smith” to “Karl Smith” or wahtever)

[amazingwhat]

why is self-hatred such a tiresome cycle

its like

 step one: feel bad for being lonely

step two: talk/think about feeling lonely

step three: realize that ur being a manipulative piece of impala dung when you mention this to other people

step four: realize that ur loneliness legitimately IS your fault, otherwise you would be a desirable person to talk to or think about. like, people dont just consciously forget you, you just arent trying hard enough

step five: withdraw from social contact

step six: repeat until tired; cry a bit; go to sleep

and, you see folks, its a dumb cycle because ultimately nothing you can tell me will make me feel better. 

telling me that “its ok” wont help, because WHAT exactly is ok? that i feel lonely and terrible? 

you can say “oh you shouldnt say that” because i am willing to be the only reason youd tell me that is specifically because YOU dont want to hear that i feel bad. that or your telling me that im making this all up. which could very well be the case, but it certainly doesnt fix anything??

maybe there was no reason to say this though. i obviously want the attention. as ive become not only self-hating but self-obsessed and the only way for me to feel good about myself is to write something melodramatic and pathetic and see if anyone takes the bait.

yet this attention will eventually work against me, as ill convince my self it is false (which it is probably, as it was prompted by me specifically so i would feel better) and then ill hate myself for being manipulative (as outlined above)

its even stupider because come morning, ill feel incredibly embarrassed because a) ive literally just outlined my entire thought process for why i suck and its extremely personal and b) i might or might not get a reaction from it, and either outcomes are unwanted, honestly.

this is a ramble i dont share personally with those who know me because it is WAY less confrontational, and if there is anything i am, it is non-confrontational.

i think the real question is is what do i want/need to change? do i really need to be included more by my friends or is my brain making me think this just so i can demand attention from people? because demanding attention is straight up annoying, everybody knows (and that is NOT a passive aggressive statement, literally everybody finds people who seek a lot of attention annoying, which, is not to say it is a bad thing, seeking attention, its just what people get peeved about because they too want attention, they just dont want to work to get it, which is my dilemma, honestly).

at present (i had a half-hour break between writing the first enumerated steps part and now), i feel both less and more lonely. i feel less cripplingly sad but more concerned about whether anybody cares? will the people this post is directed towards see it? will they think less of me because of it?? will they think i am personally attacking them?

in fact, the reason i even started feeling lonely (which is simplifying it WAY down) is because i didnt get invited to a party. honestly, im an introvert and parties take A LOT of energy, especially when you are me and are constantly competing for attention between people who are much more innately interesting and more fun then you. not a serious situation by any means, but hey, we’re here now. 

i guess now i have to address how the reader of this vent post will feel after this. Yes, not im talking directly to YOU about YOU (you being a generalization of anyone who will bother to read this, which is likely nobody). previously most of the yous were me talking about myself (though im positive youve picked up on that by now). You are probably feeling hurt by this. “how can my friend feel this way?!”  or “god, they always complain about this!!” could be what you are thinking. and yeah - i ALWAYS complain about this. literally, i do (seriously not being passive aggressive here - i talk/think about this a lot). but as the writer of this and your friend, i want you to know that it really doesnt matter if this makes you feel bad. it doesnt. because what will the outcome be?? your upset that im upset, awesome display of empathy there, pal, but is this is going to be a distant part of both our memories come next week, when you see my face and realize im doing fine (whether i really am is all down to the trajectory of the sun and the moon and whatever). 

so, the take away from all this?? im complaining about a problem that is, from my current point of view, unsolvable. its not even a big deal, right? im alive arent i? ive got food in my stomach and education and those lovely 1st world amenities and whatnot. 

im cranky. whatever. goodnight. 

[amazingwhat]

primary source of pen acquisition: the person who sits in my seat the class before mine. thank you for lending your pens to the cause!

[amazingwhat]

MENTAL DISORDER RANT #1: SCHIZOPHRENIA

so this is kind of a response to a youtube show i heard about on Chopped: Canada called Cooking with Schizophrenia with Tess Middlebrook, as well as a distinction between schizophrenia, “Multiple Personality Disorder,” and doing silly voices. this will be a long, potentially boring (yet ((hopefully)) informative!) post, so read more under the cut, i guess.

(DISCLAIMER: so i don’t have Schizophrenia nor am i a trained professional in mental health, but i just want to explain Schizophrenia in the simplest terms possible and kinda just rant. if im wrong about ANY of this, i sincerely apologize and would love to hear any feedback)

my anger involving mental health and how people perceive certain conditions has been pretty strong recently. this was exacerbated when i saw chef and comedian Tess Middlebrook’s intro for Chopped: Canada, explaining that she does a web-show called Cooking With Schizophrenia (is it popular? is it good? i have no clue, i didnt watch it), where she cooks and does “silly voices.”

i have a couple problems with this: 1) doing “silly voices” and having a legitimate mental disorder are very different things. 2) though you could talk to yourself if you have schizophrenia, its not really a great indication of having schizophrenia, as even neuro-typical people talk to themselves (i do it A TON) and on a cooking show, its expected that a chef talks despite being alone, because they are addressing an audience. 3) shes confusing schizophrenia and something people like to call “Multiple (or Split) Personality Disorder.”

to be clear, schizophrenia is a mental disorder where you may experience auditory hallucinations (among other things but i want to focus on the auditory hallucinations because it’s what tend to trip people up).

because a reaction to hearing a voice is usually to respond to it (duh), people tend to believe that schizophrenics have “multiple” or “split” personalities when it’s really just them responding to what they hear.

people tend to see schizophrenia as the same thing as Multiple Personality Disorder. this is troublesome for a number of reasons, as MPD doesn’t technically exist (as of the latest edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, the condition is referenced as Dissociative Identity Disorder, or DID) and because MPD isn’t schizophrenia at all. its like saying a tomato is synonymous with an orange because they are both fruits and look roughly the same size. 

doing silly voices is none of these things. at all. when a person does “silly voices” they are just trying to entertain themselves or others (or for other reasons? everybody is different). i know i slip into a kermit the frog-esque voice if i drop something off my desk and i get frustrated yet dont want to appear mad or embarrassed (even though i am). 

so yeah. was this pointless? maybe. was it interesting? probably not. i just wanted to share my feeling about this topic. 

[amazingwhat]

I FINALLY FIXED MY X-KIT PROBLEM YESSS

it kept saying “welcome to the new xkit!” and then telling me there was an error. EVERY TIME i reloaded the page

[amazingwhat]

i saw sweeney todd today (tim burtons version)

somebody ban me from watching movies. i cry too much