Becoming Corrupted
A Long and Boring Biography on How I Became a Monster
You never really think when you're a kid that you could grow up to be such a bad person. And it's not like you don't necessarily understand what a "bad person" is. As a child, you simply think of something who is mean, cruel, uncaring, selfish, and does things that are frowned upon. Who knew that I'd become one of the people I disliked from my own childhood.
Ever since high school began, I was suffering from Insomnia. It got the point where it was crippling me mentally and physically, but I simply played it off as being lazy.
The fall into the pit of becoming the Monster I am all started Junior year, when I met this really chill kid in my Accounting class, Joey. He was just so laid back about everything, I was admittedly jealous of his carefree attitude. After a while of getting to know him, he incited me over to smoke for the first time. Up to this point, all I really knew about pot was that it "Wasn't good for you" according to the school health classes and that all the "cool kids" smoked it. I ended up loving the feeling; it could get my mind off of anything I didn't want to think about and got me distracted so easily, it was great to just feel loose for once. I was hooked, but I still had enough self-control to keep it to Fridays and Saturdays, even during breaks.
Then hit the breakup. It was the most devastating and depressing point in my life.I had spent 13 months with someone, only for her to break my heart and go for other guys. She was the only person who was able to make me go to sleep at night. I had spent the next seven months smoking more and more and being more and more depressed. On June 23rd, 2012, I had attempted suicide with a pocket knife, trying to stab my heart. I had missed, and instead punctured my left lung. I had called the police, who arrived shortly. I remember as my vision gradually faded to black and my body was enveloped in cold, dark numbness, I remember thinking to myself "Is this what death is like?", and it was all too easy to want to stay there, not feeling anything. To this day, I still hate myself for what I've done to her, my family, friends, and myself on that night.
I had then spent time in both a regular hospital for my physical injuries and a mental hospital for my attempt. I spent hours upon hours on mental therapy for the next few months, up until May 2013 where I had realized that it wasn't working anymore, and that I'd have to find my own way.
I graduated in June and now I"m in college. College changes you, brings you closer to that edge you'd never thought you get too. I began drinking,with still enough self-control to never get drunk or too screwed up.
Now the part that has hurt me the most in my entire life. I had decided to go along with my roommate to help out with my high school's marching band; It was fun at times, but a lot of things were pretty awful about it. I had usually hung around two people whom I was closest to in the band, as I really didn't want to spend so much time around the instructors.
My insomnia had not gotten any better; I had been able to stay up for days at a time and feel perfectly fine, although the lack of sleep was obvious on my face. But then one day, on a bus ride back from one of the band's competitions, I fell asleep. I had some wacky dream about my college and high school being fused into one,and some other nonsense going on in the background. I had awoken mildly rested, and proceeded to go on with my life.
Sometime early in this past December, my friend whom I had sat next to on the bus had texted me saying she had to tell me something important. She had told me that I had touched her sexually on the bus ride, and that she went to therapy and had been going crazy from the experience, as it was her number-one fear.
That was the point in time where I realized, no matter what I do, purposely, accidentally, awake, asleep, truthfully, dishonestly, or in any shape or form, that I hurt the ones closest to me. I remember being on the verge of tears, simply holding it so that my college roommates wouldn't ask what wrong.
I told myself I deserve every punch, kick, slap, stab, and all else for what I had done to her. I went to therapy the beginning of this semester and told the councilor everything. He told me that in his preliminary guess, that the insomnia had driven my body into two separate identities, with my conscious mind being the one that puts others before him, and my unconscious mind being my subconscious desires who'd do anything he was able to to feel good.
She and I had hung out with some friends yesterday, where towards the end of the night I pulled her into my room and just... took the slapping I deserved. I had it coming, one way or another, for everything I've done to her, and everyone else I cared for.
I wish she could've killed me and gotten away with it. I couldn't bear to live with all the mistakes I've made in my life, but she forgave me. Just like that.
I won't take my own life, I just wish someone would stop me from hurting the ones I care for, because I literally can't do it anymore.
KD, if you ever see this, I'm so sorry. I could say it a thousand times and it would never reflect how bad I feel for ever hurting you, and even worse, letting you forgive me so easily. I owe you the world and more, but until then, I want you to find happiness, and keep me at bay no matter how badly I want to spend time with you. I don't deserve you in my life, and definitely don't deserve your forgiveness for the pain I've caused you.
God,if you truly are out there, tell me, why am I here? Why do I keep hurting those closest to me? How can I just stop hurting them without leaving them, like I always do?