#wheneillitend

[ssonic918]

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[whatamessymusing-blog]

Musings Of a Mess

OK, so my counselor suggested I find an outlet for my thoughts.  I have A LOT of them.  NO, I am not looking for any type of sympathy.  I am looking for a bit of relief.  Maybe some ideas, maybe others who are going through some of the same crap.  

A bit about me to get started.  

Once upon a time,  I was an honor student with a dark sense of humor.  I took decent care of myself, had a few really good friends and was working towards a career in counseling. Overall, it was a pretty decent life. 

Then life happened.  In the past few years I have acquired a loving husband, a step daughter and two girls of my own, a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology and an Associates of Applied Science in Funeral Services.  

Doesn’t sound bad right? So where’s the mess?

Let’s see… we have not been able to find a way to be financially stable in 13 years.  I’ve spent 15 years working in call centers despite my education.  We’ve had to move around so much that no place that we rent really ever feels like home.  And our current place doesn’t allow pets for the cats we’ve had for 13 years are living with someone else

Health issues abound.  The husband suffers from idiopathic peripheral neuropathy and hypertension. Two of the daughters have ADHD, one of which also suffers from oppositional defiance.  Then there’s me… about 8 years ago I was diagnosed a Type 2 Diabetic.  This was discovered when all the worst symptoms hit me in a two week period. I already had Diabetic Neuropathy by the time I realized there was a problem.  I was doing okay until about 6 months ago.  I started feeling tired and sick all the time and had to go on a medical leave from my last call center job until the issues could be resolved. The medication I had been using to control my sugars was no longer working and I had to start taking insulin.  During this time I was also diagnosed as Bi-Polar.  Ok, well at least we know the root of the issues.  Oh, I forgot to mention that we’re now watching three spots on my face that may be pre-concerous.

Back to work I went, except I was still feeling tired and sick even with normal sugar levels.  Nevertheless, I went to work, determined to get back on track.  NOPE! I was walked out of the building on my second day back because they discovered a discrepancy in my attendance at the beginning of my medical leave… in November… the firing happened in March! 

Luckily, I got a part time job until I could find something else.  Or at least that was the plan.  I was now working in Retail, walking approximately 5 miles a day.  I needed the exercise so I thought it would be a good deal.  Until I started getting hematomas under my toenails and lost MORE feeling in my feet.  The 8 hours a week was not enough to account for the 50 mile round trip to work, the cost of day care and the new and worsening foot issues.  So I’m back to being unemployed … again.  

Currently I am trying to get into a budtender position with a local medical marijuana dispensary.  It’s something that I believe in and I think would be the perfect job.  I won’t be on my feet all the time, I sure as hell wont be stuck in another call center, and I will be able to help and educate others.  

Needless to say, I don’t know how we are going to survive until I can get a real job and bring in a paycheck.  

It feels like my body is dooming us and I am the cause of all of our stress despite my trying to make things better.  So here I am typing and feeling worthless to my family.  

I will probably post random crap on here covering everything from daily stress, to medical and recreational marijuana posts, to death industry posts, to mommy related posts, to diabetes related posts and everything in between.  

I need to find some sort of clarity and maybe I can help others do the same in my endless quest.