#whenithink

[itzy-bella-23]

#whenithink #mypastrelationships #didntworkout #youknow #justperfect #everybodyelse #aroundme #gotissues #tuesdayvibes https://www.instagram.com/p/BrhMDiRF91B/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1iik36gnkq0jh

[ddiivvaaphilosophy]

lol 😂😂😂😂 #timeisflying #whenithink

[iamrelative-blog]

Yesterday I heard your name in the wind, whipping past my cheek, into my ear, through bridges and canals and right into my brain and it hurt. As accurate as a missle it knew exactly where to go and I don't know anything about the brain, but I think it went exactly to the space that would hurt the most. I say that because once it smashed into that space my heart started to hurt and my lungs swelled and my stomach rolled over and my hands felt weak

[iamrelative-blog]

I think I've loved you in a past life, and I only say that because I feel like this love so strong, so timeless, it could span centuries. I think I've loved you slowly in a past life, admiring every inch of you. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I loved you feverishly, excitedly, restlessly, aggressively. I think I've loved you in a past life under a microscope. I think you may have been the only thing I saw for a while. I think I opened my eyes to the big picture and saw you in every frame. I think I've loved you forever, and it scares me to know that a human is capable of feeling this way for another. Still, I heard that the human adult body has about 37 trillion cells and I don't think I can deny that every one of them think of you right before I go to sleep.

[iamrelative-blog]

A Year in Review

2013 was quite possibly one of the most emotionally trying years of my life. It started off in a weird place, I rememer shoveling snow in front of my college home. I remember getting into a fight on New Year's Eve and remember that everyone around me was also fighting with their significant others, so it made me feel a little less lonely. I remember growing further apart from two of my best friends. I remember being upset. I remember entering my last semester of college with absolutely no plan for next year and the rest of my life. I remember sitting in my final classes, realizing I didn't retain as much information as I should have and I remember feeling incredibly uneasy. I remember playing rugby and I remember feeling my body ache in places I didn't know existed. I remember the feeling of failure as we didn't win any games, I remember the self defeat I imposed on myself, and I remember enduring practices, asking myself why I did this anymore, feeling like I was one of the only people who cared. I remember making stupid mistakes and feeling the embarrassment of them for days to come. I remember planning the rest of my life with someone, with a hint of angst always attached. I remember the intense emotions attached to feeling someone slip through your fingers and the bizzare calm when they finally left. Graduation came and I remember feeling the fits of nostalgia hit like waves in the middle of the night, waking up in the dark, realizing I was still in my room, counting down the days until I had to be out. I learned to love my time. I remember the rain come down the day I walked up to the stage to get my diploma. I remember the mist and the goosebumps when old friend's names were called and I knew I wouldn't see them after the ceremony. I remember summer coming and shaking me to my core, I remember the nervous feelings of moving out and coming back to my childhood home. i remember rocking myself to sleep compulsively checking my phone, I remember feelings of abandonment. I felt completely lost and I didn't know what I was going to do to remedy my situation. I remember specific days in the summer, finding more and more out, I remember feeling like a total fool. I never want to feel like that again. I remember a lot of terribly shitty things in 2013. I remember feelings of utter betrayal and dismissal. I remember a lot of bad things, but I can't forget all the great things I experienced in 2013, I can't forget all the great times I had with old friends and new friends. I remember the freedom of living off campus, of cooking for myself, of burning all my food, of making my housemates taste everything I made to make sure it was ok. I remember spending hours in the grocery store, always getting things I didn't need and constantly forgetting the things I did. Eggs, milk, chicken. I remember listening to the same songs on repeat because they made me feel good. I remember driving around in my best friends car talking about anything and everything. I remember the quiet moments in my room where I felt more fortunate than anyone else because I was able to be where I was. I remember the comical car rides to class. I remember eating with friends, and sitting for hours. I remember New Year's Eve being surrounded by good people I loved. I remember shoveling snow with my housemates, everyone banning together to try to get one persons car out of a parking spot in our driveway that was more of a ditch. I remember the few bonfires we had, one in particular where people got so drunk I wasn't sure they'd make it up the huge hill back to my house, they did (but shortly after one of my best friends would fall off the bar and break her leg, ouch sorry dude). I remember the excitement that accompanied almost every rugby practice. I remember running up and down the pitch, feeling sore and incapable, but looking to my left and seeing my teammate there filled me with this awesome sense of comradery that I'll never be able to shake. I remember the satisfaction that stuck with a good tackle and the pride I harnessed. I remember loud nights in the library trying to study, failing miserably. I remember coffee in the mornings, never running out of Half and Half. I remember the consoling powers of just being able to talk to a good friend for hours, repeating myself, feeling dumb, and having them be completely open to whatever you were going to say. I remember laughing, so much laughing. I remember inside jokes I still refer to today. I learned how to appreciate people. I learned how to depend on others, and that it's not always necessary to depend on yourself alone. I learned that it's ok to feel weak and defeated. I learned how important it is to let things go when they're done. I learned how calming it is to lay on the grass and watch the clouds. I learned what it feels like to fall deeply and quickly in love and have those feelings fizzle into nothing over time. I learned that it's important to let go of things and it's equally important to move on and to be ok with moving on. I relearned how fun it can be to have crushes on people and flirt and be ok with everything and anything that happened afterwards. I learned how important it is to have a sense of humor, whether it's a good one or a bad one, it's important to be able to laugh at awful situations. I relearned the healing power of writing, of getting your thoughts out, of repeating the feelings to yourself, of opening the bottle you tried to keep them in and throwing them into the wind. I learned how important it is to love music. I learned valuable life lessons about love and friendship, things I hope to never forget. It's easy for me to look at 2013 and think that it was one of the worst years of my life, but when I really sit down and consider it, it wasn't so bad. Here's to 2014.

[iamrelative-blog]

Yesterday the sun set over Manhattan, like any other night, and I was walking along the 18th floor of my building and stopped in the cafe to watch the skyline, as I do every night around 5 o'clock or so. I stand there, arms folded watching the sky change from blue to pink to a fiery red and then the show is over. Last night I called someone's attention to the window and told them the sky looked incredible. The clouds were swirling angry and the day sky was shouting to the evening that it was her turn to come out and stand there for 12 or so hours. One person didn't bother getting up from their desk, they just nodded as they typed away, the other one came over and said it looked like any other sunset that we see every night. My sense of wonderment stung as I walked back to my desk. I knew if you were still here you'd come to the window with me and smile and tell me about your aunt who lives somewhere on the West Side and has floor length windows and sees this every night. I knew you'd stand there in silence admiring the beauty of the daily phenomenon we both seemed to find ourselves drawn to at least once a week together. I understand why you left, and I still wish you the best of luck, but damn, not having someone to admire the sky with can be a sad fate.

[iamrelative-blog]

It can be really difficult when you can't get someone off your brain. No matter what you do, they're just there, sitting, watching. Thinking about other things helps momentarily but eventually you'll start thinking about the way they look when they pull their hair back, or the way they walk across the hall consumed in their own thoughts, or the fact that they definitely notice the way you perk up when they're around and they probably notice that you always turn to attention when they walk past your desk. Still, you notice the way they make eye contact with you when they're engaged in a conversation with another, maybe making sure that you're still staring. It's weird, but they don't have to double check, because you're definitely watching how excited they get and I don't know how to end this, I'm just saying I'm thinking about you and it hurts my heart a little, sometimes.

[iamrelative-blog]

I had the hardest day I've had in a very long time, and I just wanted to say I'm fucking proud of myself. I've been able to keep my anxiety under control and without medication for about two years now, and I just wanted to say that I'm so incredibly fortunate to have a team at work who doesn't ask questions like "well what are you nervous about?" and instead immediately understand, without judgement, and let me take two hours, on our busiest day of the week, t lay in a locked room by myself, staring at the ceiling and trying to regain feeling in my whole body. I'm so lucky to have people around me who care about mental well being more than making sure all the events for the day are properly organized and can prioritize health over our stupid 9-5 jobs. Now I'm in bed and ready to actually get some sleep and have this hellish week be over.