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I've been grasping for something to hold onto for sometime now. Rereading old journals, writing new entries, eating my pain and then crying out against all the feelings I somehow still house in this small frame. I mean, in comparison to many women, I'm really quite large, but not in a bad way. I have to keep affirming and rerere AFFIRMING back to myself that even the hardest days are worth the good ones. And that I am WORTH the struggle. I'm convinced that the pain causes strength. That no matter how hard I fall it will only serve to build me into the wonderful strong person I deserve to be, someday.
I wanted (and intended) to come to my blog space to write a sort of 10 things I hate about you poetic passage. But then we all know how that one ended. And it sounds really gross right now to pine for any man, so I won't put myself through it.
I keep wondering why none of it had ebbed, why it still feels like I left crying yesterday. And I think its because in the first time in my life I now find myself forgiving the feelings and giving in to them. Something that is very hard for a this girl to do, as many a man can attest. I am defensive, hard headed, impulsive and I don't trust easily (even myself). So I think that's why my most recent baggage is so hard to get past. Or maybe you never "get past" a great love. Maybe its always just there, like a fking sloth dragging it's ugly claws through your chest at an ever more sluggish pace. I think the worst part is that I know I'll always love him. And despite what anyone can say, I want to. I want to keep that part of me, the warm cute/kinda sexy bubbly college fro-yo girl part of me. I like her. I miss her.
She's since been replaced with serious, smiles sometimes, too young for the office, struggle up the government mountain woman. (who is great too, but seriously less fun)
As my lovely loves keep reminding me from cities and states away, I need to keep lists of the things I'm proud of myself for. and I am proud of myself. I mean look where I am. Living in a beautiful city, with a great steady income, a job that challenges me everyday, and a full stomach. Even if it is weird noodles and canned tuna fish. I also did my dishes and some laundry, and found a new apartment that isn't getting burglarized and my car will (fingers crossed) not get stolen from.
Just the same I feel like I've stopped on a small plateau emotionally and the non acceptance of the end of a part of my life is holding me back. Hilarious really, I ended the relationship because I felt like it was holding me back, and where did that get me? Laying on my living room floor talking about how MISSING the damn relationship is holding me back. What a paradox, ugh.
So I'm declaring my Thursday through Friday mantra. I am strong and peaceful. I am strong and peaceful. I am strong and peaceful....maybe if I say it enough I'll condition my subconscious, because really, I need the dreams and constant wondering to stop. So cheers, here's to remembering the good times when I'm ready. Cuz I surely can't bring myself to do it now.
