Trajectory
-- Are you intentionally destroying the mood. - Hm? Yes. Pause -- OK what does that prove. - I don't know yet.
Listless and empty -- Not exactly. Directionless. Also exhausted. Definitely exhausted. Nothing is great in magnitude & I think that's worse. To bend yourself to something - to build it, see it run. If there's such a thing as good exhaustion, that may be it.
- I had a conversation with {redacted}, several times now it's come up. What does life look like when it's good? Good, capital G. -- Instead of bad and less bad. - And stasis.
I don't know if I'd call it retraumatising, reviewing the past, getting angry about it. Maybe it is and I don't know. I have to remember to bring it up altho I suspect I'm talking circles. I feel like I've been brought to this place and now I don't know what to do and I was supposed to break out of it but its prisons were so pervasive. -- Prisons. There’s such a long and terrible spiral beginning from my birth. My behaviours. Behaviours are a difficult one for me to let go of. I want to blame myself. I blame myself. No matter how young, I know I felt something, the whole time. That it wasn’t right. Any of it. - I feel like it’s too late. -- I don’t know what to say. How do I move myself from this place? With nothing. No support. Knowing now the cost of everything. From where should I find the funds to pay?
-- This is making me distressed. (movement) -- I don’t know if I understand all of it and I’m not sure I want to understand. - I don’t understand all of it. -- I’m not sure what the point of fully understanding would be at this point. - Is what I’m thinking. (inhale) - Trying to discard everything that doesn’t help me move now. The past is so useless. I have nothing there I care to bring forward. People tell such tales about friends and events and happenings thru time. I have nothing but wrong things. -- A lot of people would say write it down, without any aim or purpose. So I write it down.