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Cats Are Like a Shitty Boyfriend

Here’s the deal. I love animals. They’re cuddly, lovable, mysterious, great listeners. They offer a diversity of life on this planet. I love animals… except cats. And I don’t mean lions, tigers, or other cool cats. I mean house cats.

I’ve always wondered about cat ladies - women who have adopted 7 or 8 or 14 cats in lieu of romantic companionship. Sometimes this is by choice, other times by unfortunate circumstance. I'm confused as to why they are still allowing themselves to be treated this way even when men have been eradicated from their life. Cats are like a shitty boyfriend. And I’ll prove it.

1) Attention is on their terms

Much like a shitty boyfriend who is afraid to show too much affection for fear of an unwanted commitment, a cat will only offer affection when they want it. They’re sneaky about it though. This isn't surprising as sneaky is one of their foremost traits. They will snuggle up to you when you least expect it and nuzzle into the crook of your arm. It’s a lovely surprise. You start to think, this guy likes me. You forget that just five minutes ago you were thinking, what am I doing with this guy? When I call him he doesn’t come over. In fact, he actively ignores me. And just when I am ready to give up completely, he shows up at my door and says, let’s curl up and watch a movie together. Then the next morning when you go to give him a gentle stroke on the back, he jumps up out of the way as if to say, “Ah I don’t need you right now! Give me my space!”

2) They’re Messy

Many cat owners (in this case women in a relationship with a shitty guy) will try to tell you, “Oh they’re really clean! They actually clean themselves. They’re low maintenance!” These are lies. Anything that shits inside and doesn’t have the decency to flush is not clean. What they are doing is marking their territory. They’ll leave a dirty dish or toy out and promise they’ll get it later, but in fact, they are lazy. They don’t care. They know if they leave it there long enough you’ll put it away. They’re dirty and they hope you will find this charming. And when you call them out on the hair that is covering your sink, they’ll look at you like, what’s the big deal? (Side note: I hope that your shitty boyfriend flushes the toilet. I was just making a point about cats dirtiness on that one. Though one might relate poor litter box behavior to poor toilet seat behavior, or missing the toilet bowl in general.)

3) They're Abusive

For the purposes of this post we will avoid comparing illegal physical abuse with cats and stick with the still terrible emotional abuse. Cats, like shitty boyfriends, are abusive. They will lash out at you, and the absolute worst part is that they won’t even realize they’ve hurt you. In fact, they will walk away like it was nothing. And if by some chance they notice you’re upset, they’ll look at you like you’re overreacting. Some may even try to make it off like they were playing with you! Like they were just joking around even though your eyes are starting to fill with tears.

4) They’re selfish

This one is essentially implied in the others, but I’ll say it anyway. They’re selfish. They do what they want. They put themselves first. They don’t think about how their actions impact others.

5) They don’t feel guilty

This is perhaps their worst quality. They will do all of the above, and they won’t feel bad about it. They won’t even realize they should feel bad about it. And you keep thinking they will start to regret the way they have treated you, but the fact is, they won’t change. They’ll never feel guilty for being shitty because shitty is just in their nature. They can’t be trained. They’re not going to learn. Some might get older and lazier in which case they may appear better, but I’ll assure you those natural shitty qualities are still there.

Right now you are probably asking the question, why do people choose these shitty boyfriends? Why not find a nice boyfriend?* The reason is that there is something alluring about this shitola boyfriend. They are attractive. They are mysterious. They have those fleeting moments of sweetness where they will sneak a kiss or do something absolutely hilarious. They aren’t tied down and they seem to know things about the world that you don’t. You always want to know what they’re thinking, but you never will and this both excites you and infuriates you. You crave their attention because you want to be worthy of it. And I get it. Those moments on the couch when you are so relaxed and snuggled up next to one another, they are damn near perfect. That is until they decide the moment is over and you’re left watching the most recent episode of Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations alone.

*It should be known that the perfect comparison to a nice boyfriend is a dog: Happy, loving, loyal, friendly, funny, cute, playful, sweet… I could keep going.

**I’m sure you’re wondering what this has to do with Mindy Kaling. Someone recently told me that the below image was of Mindy Kaling and it really got me thinking about cats.

***UPDATE: As it turns out, the above photo is not Mindy Kaling. A friend recently informed me that this is a famed cat named Garfield.

****It should be known that while this post talks about how cats are like shitty boyfriends, one could also make the argument that they are like shitty girlfriends.

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