The Kind Of Parenting Advice We Can Get Behind
Generally speaking I avoid parenting advice. Three kids in I've found that parenting is, as many people say, "the longest shortest time". Motherhood is a perishable power. That my job is to be as present as I can while maintaining my life and sense of self. My job is to love them, to make them feel loved, and seen and heard and consequential. To give them agency in their own lives. To guide their morality, manners and teach them their privilege. To let them let their freak flags fly, as long they are flying kind and gentle freak flags! My job is to support other parents. To be helpful when I see another parent struggling. To stay out of judgment, because lord knows nothing gets my goat more than to feel judged in my own parenting. I judge myself enough. I don't need help in that department. So here are a few gems that we LOVE. That inspire us. That put us in touch with the essence of life, of connection, and keeps our eye on the sparrow.
LOVE, Sarah Sophie and Nicole
Parenting Advice: Don't Kill Them
We try to pretend that other times don’t exist. We try to pretend that good parents (especially mothers) enjoy every minute of parenthood. This, I firmly believe, is a misogynistic tool used to oppress women. This is to keep them from questioning the unequal burden that motherhood places on them. This is to keep them from asking for more. This is to keep them quiet. And it’s dangerous. It’s dangerous and invalidating and oppressing. You have this baby and it’s not at all what everyone told you. You don’t know what to do with feelings of anger and frustration. You are a bad mother, you know this because you are the only mother feeling this way. You have nobody to talk to, nobody who can help. What would otherwise have been a fleeting moment of frustration turns into an indictment on your fitness as a mother. It prevents you from appreciating the good times. “You don’t deserve to enjoy this,” you think, “You are a bad mother.” - Ijeoma Oluo
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The Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto:
Ms. Morrison explained that it's interesting to watch what happens when a child walks into a room. She asked, "Does your face light up?" She explained, "When my children used to walk in the room when they were little, I looked at them to see if they had buckled their trousers or if their hair was combed or if their socks were up. . . . You think your affection and your deep love is on display because you're caring for them. It's not. When they see you, they see the critical face. What's wrong now?" Her advice was simple, but paradigm- shifting for me. She said, "Let your face speak what's in your heart. When they walk in the room my face says I'm glad to see them. It's just as small as that, you see?" - Brene Brown (quoting Toni Morrison) READ THE WHOLE-HEARTED PARENTING MANIFESTO HERE
One Parenting Book We Actually Love:Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn
One basic need all children have, Kohn argues, is to be loved unconditionally, to know that they will be accepted even if they screw up or fall short. Yet conventional approaches to parenting such as punishments (including "time-outs"), rewards (including positive reinforcement), and other forms of control teach children that they are loved only when they please us or impress us. Kohn cites a body of powerful, and largely unknown, research detailing the damage caused by leading children to believe they must earn our approval. That's precisely the message children derive from common discipline techniques, even though it's not the message most parents intend to send. FIND OUT MORE ABOUT UNCONDITIONAL PARENTING HERE