In Memoriam
This post is personal in nature and discusses my spiritual beliefs with mentions of death. I have followers here for many different reasons including fandom, writing, and real life. I don't have the time or the spoons to separate out content so you get all of me, for better or for worse. Just skip this if this kind of thing bothers you.
Many of you here know that I am Lokean. I felt drawn to Loki when I was young but it wasn't until several years ago that I finally dedicated myself to him/them. I have re-dedicated myself to him/them every year since then.
I have obsessive qualities in my nature and so when I first embarked on this journey I scoured the internet learning. I read books and blogs. I watched Youtube videos and Instagram content. I learned a lot but I also felt disconnected from much of it. Everyone was so SERIOUS. And yes, I take my faith seriously. But I also believe in not taking oneself too seriously, and I feel like Loki agrees with that.
So not too long ago - maybe a couple of years ago - I found a Youtube channel: Why So Sirious. Here was this older woman, with this sort of nasally and yet somehow comforting voice, posting gaming and music and card drawings, all while surrounded by plushies and butterfly stickers and talking about all sorts of things Lokean and Heathen and Norse. She was inclusive and funny and exuded a warmth that had been lacking in other spaces I'd searched in for community.
I subscribed to her channel and watched faithfully. My favorites were her card draws and her discussions and meditation videos. She made me feel connected to Loki in a way I hadn't before. For the first time I felt like there was someone else out there who understood my spiritual journey and wouldn't judge me for it.
I never interacted with her. And I never sought out other places she lived online. Honestly? It just didn't occur to me to do that. I was happy with the content I was seeing. I didn't feel a need to look for more. I regret that now.
In order for this story to make sense I need to backtrack a little.
On Samhain of this year I re-dedicated myself to Loki. This is something I do every year. But something was different this year. Not too long before I re-dedicated I felt him slip away. I don't know why. It just felt like he wasn't with me any more. I knew from my research that this could happen. Sometimes he only stays with people long enough to incite necessary change in their life. Sometimes he just gets busy. He is a deity, after all. I had always heard that he would never leave a devotee without the care of another deity but I did not feel the presence of another. So I surmised that he would be back someday. I chose to re-dedicate myself despite his absence because I had faith that he would return. I spent the next several weeks continuing my daily practices, holding this faith.
This past weekend I had a quiet weekend. That's pretty normal for me. Some weekends are super busy and others are very quiet. I spent the weekend home alone just relaxing and watching stuff. On Saturday I felt an urge to cry several times that day. I didn't know why. Nothing bad had happened. I wasn't depressed. The urge to cry was completely at odds with how I was feeling and what I was doing.
I also felt Loki return on Saturday. I can't explain it. It's just a feeling. For weeks I felt "empty". Then, suddenly, I felt full. Full of his light and his presence and his voice. I was overjoyed, practically bouncing up and down all day long. And yet I felt that urge to cry. It was with me Sunday too.
Then today. Today was nothing special. I overslept. I got up and took care of the animals. I made myself some tea. For lunch I sat on my couch and put on Youtube. This is something I do as often as I can. It's a way for me to slow down and eat in the moment instead of inhaling food in front of my computer. I scrolled through my subscription content looking for something to watch. And there it was. A voice video explaining that Kitty had died. I never even knew her name until that video.
Everything clicked into place after that. I learned that she had passed on Saturday. The same day I began feeling like crying. The same day Loki returned to me.
I have spent all day today crying off and on in earnest. Which I feel slightly ashamed of doing because I never once exchanged a single comment with this person. But she had such a positive impact on my life. And I regret it now. She'll never know how much she helped me or how included she made me feel.
I am very struck by the void this will leave in my life. She filled a much needed role. I feel as though I have no else to talk to even though I never actually talked to her. But connection happens in all sorts of way. And we communicated in a way, her as guide and me as a student of sorts.
I spent a lot of time today thinking about Loki's absence and return, the timing of everything. A part of me thought he came back to comfort me during this time, but that's hubris. Even gods need comfort. Maybe he came back because her death is a loss for him too. Maybe he just wants to feel close to all of us right now.
Tomorrow is the start of Loki Fest. I am hoping I have enough time to make some connections there.
Anyway, all of this really is to say that the Lokean community lost a bright and loving voice this weekend. I am so incredibly saddened by this loss. My heart goes out to her partner and to all other community members affected.
And to Loki. Always, to Loki.
Fire is destructive. But it's also cleansing. And death is but transformation. Painful, yet beautiful.
I can hear Kitty now, from the other side. Well, hello there...
