Five times kissed
Five times kissed || No longer accepting
ONE
Breakfast at the Gryffindor table wasusually pretty uneventful. For James at least. Always half asleep, tie askew,it took him at least an hour to wake up properly. But for some reason. Thismorning was different. The Gryffindor boys seemed to have found a brand newinsult.
Being gay.
It was mainly said in jest. Passingcomments about acting like a girl, being queer, being something worth makingfun of. And usually James ignored it, because breakfast was too early for thetwelve year old.
But today was different.
“Yeah, cause Peter is a bloody puff.”
“Puffter Pete!”
At twelve it was hard to tell why he didit. Because they were upsetting his mate sure. But maybe because Sirius’knuckles were white where he was clutching his pumpkin juice. Maybe because hiseyes were flashing dangerously, free hand reaching into his pocket for hiswand. Maybe because seeing the passion there, the gestures that were Sirius inthe way nobody ever saw but James.
Maybe because of that.
Maybe because of all those things combined,twelve-year-old James Potter grabbed Sirius Black by the tie and tugged himtowards him.
The kiss was chaste, an over the top show of affection, thatsomehow still took his breath away. Terrifying in a way kissing his best mateprobably wouldn’t be, if he was just his best mate.
For a second, it had felt as though it wasjust them in the entire hall, just the two of them. Best mates. Brothers. Butas James pulled away, as he realised every single eye in the Great Hall was onthem. He simply shrugged, taking his own goblet of pumpkin juice as he took a leisurelysip.
“Who’s a bloody puff now?” He challengedafter he swallowed, his own eyes flashing dangerously, watching as one by one,people resumed their breakfast. “So…who wants to let a bloke copy their potionshomework? Remus?”
TWO
“Oh bloody hell…” James cursed, glaring asthe ink splattered all over his latest DADA essay. It had taken him hours, hoursof painstakingly attempting to turn his chicken scratch into somethingreadable. “Pads…I reckon we’re done with this homework business now.”
His announcement was met with a wide grin,a dramatic slam of a potions textbook and a dip on the couch where his bestmate had thrown himself next to him.
James looked at him then. Eyes dancing withthe lights from the fire and his breath caught in his chest. He was beautiful.Beautiful in a way he’d never thought he’d call another bloke. Beautiful in away that made James want to push him back against the couch cushions and ruinhim.
Beautiful in a way he wasn’t allowed tohave.
“…so you’ve got a date with Marlene tomorrowright?” He asked casually, as though he didn’t care. As though he was fully insupport of this. As though it didn’t make him feel sick to his stomach. “Reckonyou might need some practice before?”
His eyes danced with mischief, with an eagernesshe probably shouldn’t have as he referred to their secret snogging sessions.
Practice.
Just two best mates making sure they weredoing it right. Helping eachother get girlfriends really. It was normal. Peoplesnogged their mates all the time right? It didn’t matter that they weresixteen. Didn’t matter that James had a girlfriend and didn’t need thepractice. None of that mattered.
It didn’t matter if you didn’t think aboutit. Didn’t acknowledge that this excuse of practice made no sense anymore.
So he didn’t think about it. Just did whathe’d been thinking none stop about doing. Pushing his best mate back againstthe cushions of the couch. Grinning against familiar lips as a barking laughfilled the common room.
It was just practice.
It was fine.
THREE
James eyes were focused as he threw the Quafflewith practiced accuracy into the hoop, a lap of honour to the cheers of Gryffindoraround him, ducking as a Bludger sped past his ear, laughing as he saw Siriusspeeding after it, shooting him a wink as he passed.
It was their last match. Last chance to winthe house cup for Gryffindor. Because this was it. This was their time to growup. Become adults. Real adults about to graduate into a war they weren’t readyto fight in.
And as the Gryffindor seeker caught thesnitch, as the pitch erupted into chaos, students flooding it as the playerslanded. James was hit with such a feeling of elation and yet sadness at thesame time he was struggling to breathe.
“We did it mate!”
“That was some of your best flying Potter!”
“Drinks on you tonight James!”
The yells kept coming, peoplecongratulating him. The team. Joyous and excited. Planning the biggest party oftheir entire school career and yet James just wanted to find one person.
He saw a flash of red hair, a beautifulsmile and for a second his stomach churned with guilt. Because he wasn’tlooking for her. In this. In the biggest achievement of his young life so far.It wasn’t her he wanted to share it with. That should have told him somethingabout the engagement ring burning a hole in his sock drawer. But of course itdidn’t. Because marrying a girl was what you did. And Lily was great.
Except, if she was so great. Why was heturning away, eyes firmly fixed on a familiar figure currently taunting theRavenclaw seeker. “Hey Pads!” He yelled, jogging over to him as he grinned. “Webloody did it!”
He smiled wide, reflected by the smileon Sirius’ face. And not for the first time, it took James’ breath away. Beforehe knew what he was doing, his arms were around the familiar waist, tuggingSirius flush against him as he pressed his lips against the other boys.
“We bloody won.” He whispered against them,trying to convey that James had just wanted to share this moment with him. Likesomehow, Sirius would know that, that meant something. That it freaked James outbut he didn’t care at this particular moment.
“We won…now we just gotta go win a war.”
FOUR
James was sulking. Pint in hand he staredgloomily into it as he sat across the table from his best mates. This wassupposed to be his bloody stag do, a name which had amused them all in multipleways.
Except. Sirius wasn’t here. Sirius hadrefused to come. Didn’t want to come to the wedding either and although Jamesknew he would. He’d turn up. He’d be best man and he’d do a brilliant speech…itwasn’t the same as having Sirius’ full support.
He was terrified.
Terrified of thisdecision he was making. Terrified that in order to do what he felt his parentsneeded before their death, he was going to lose his best mate. Terrified thathe was going to look at Lily for the rest of his life and she would never be Sirius.That he was never going to be satisfied with his life.
“Well…we’re really ruining our reputationhere aren’t we?” James stated with a forced grin, indicating the half-drunkpints and slightly morose faces. They all knew something was going on.Something was weird.
Only then the door opened. A familiarfigure, in a worn leather jacket waltzed in, ordering a round of firewhisky fortheir bloody miserable looking table and James felt like he could cry. He wasso relieved.
“Pads…” He murmured, eyes catching theother man’s as he shifted over in the booth, making room for the lithe figure,that seemed to take up so much space in his life anyway.
So much space in his heart.
“I’m sorry. I’m so bloody sorry.” Herambled, not knowing what else to say. How else to explain that he just had todo this. He had to marry her. He didn’t know how else it was supposed to go.
He didn’t have the words to explain. Didn’tknow what to say to express his gratitude that Sirius was going to stand by himanyway.
So he simply leant in. Uncaring that Peterand Remus were looking on in confusion, as he pressed a soft kiss to the cornerof familiar lips. “I don’t wanna lose you.” He murmured against them, breathhitching slightly at the notion that it had even been possible to.
It was his fault. He’d marry Lily tomorrow.To let his parents see him marry before they died. He’d break both his own andSirius’ heart in the process.
He had nobody to blame but himself.
FIVE
“What d’you mean you don’t want it to beyou?’ James shook his head, surveying his best mate, his brother, his—everything.His everything who was actively refusing to be his secret keeper. “I thought—you’rethe only one Pads…”
He reached out, even though he knew heshouldn’t. Reached out a hand to curl fingers around Sirius’ own. Listened asthe other man rambled about Pete, about being smart, being clever, playing atrick.
He should have been listening, should havebeen paying attention and offering opinions. But Sirius was here, rambling inthe only way he did. Determined to get his point across, free hand gesturinglike crazy.
He loved him.
He loved the fucking bones of him. Andthere was nothing he could do about it, nothing they could do right now.Because James was married. James had made his choice. James had a wife and akid who were depending on him. Who were being hunted by a dark lunatic andthere was nothing he could do now about the choices he’d made.
“Alright you lunatic—I get it; we’ll do ityour way.” He grinned, eyes flicking to their joined hands for a second.
“Sirius…” He breathed, not thinking as hestepped closer. Unable to process whether this was a good idea as he cupped theside of the other man’s face with his other hand. “I trust you…you’ve got thismate. I know you’ll keep an eye on him.”
He leant in then, lips a breath away fromthose familiar ones of his best mates. Breathing heavy. Heart pounding as hetried to stop. As he tried to gain some perspective. Except he couldn’t. Couldn’tstop. Because after tonight, he’d be in hiding. He wouldn’t be able to seethe man who’d been the source of all comfort and joy in his life since he waseleven. They’d be apart. Completely. For however long it took.
“I bloody love you, y’know? When this isover…it’s you. I’m gonna always choose you. It was always you.” He murmured.Before he gave in. Closing the distance as he pressed his lips against theother mans.
It was like coming home.
That was the last time he’d ever kissSirius Black.
The last time he’d ever be home.
