To Anyone and Myself
This is a story/letter. Excuse me if I make any mistakes typing. I happen to be just getting over crying right now. Before anyone freaks out, no this is not a suicide note. I was only suicidal once in my life and that was a very long time ago. Right now, I just want to get this out. My mind is clear, but racing at the same time. I didn’t go to school today, and if I’m honest, the only reason is because I was scared. I’m terrified of school, and not because of bullying or anything. I’m scared of failing. I haven’t missed a day all year, which if you know me, is something new. From 6th grade to 9th my attendance was absolutely horrible. In 8th grade it was at a point where my dad had to call the school and the guidance counselor did the whole, “If you don’t show up you have to go to court.” I started going after that only because I was more terrified of legal action than being an embarrassment at school.
I know most of my friends don’t see me that way, but it’s still a fear. It’s really scary when you walk into class and your teacher starts going around to collect homework and you make up some dumb excuse like, “I left it at my moms.” Yes, I have lied and used that excuse pretty much every single time. I always had the paper, it was just never done. I never lied when I told people I had trouble concentrating or when I said I hated my own mother. The concentrating thing is very real, and as for hating my mother... That’s why I’m here, writing this stupid note to you, but also to her if she ever finds it.
Maybe I want attention... I don’t know. I like being the center, but no matter how much I say “I’m just trying to be an attention hog” I keep feeling like crap when I don’t say things. So I’m trying something new. I’m making it public. If anyone who goes to my school sees this, share it if you want. I don’t really care. I just need to give this to the entire world, or at least anyone who is able to find it.
Just a moment ago I was sitting downstairs, playing the piano. I learned how to play most of Burn from Hamilton, and once you have the beginning down you can at least sing the whole song. That’s what I do most. I sing. This song is about feeling betrayed. Specifically a wife being betrayed by her husband. But betrayal is something I’m kind of used to. I went downstairs in the first place because my brother and his girlfriend had just left the house, and my mom was there.
To clear things up, my parents are still married, but my mom lives an 8 hour drive away, and my dad has custody over me. Why they are still married is confusing. Probably something to do with past love. It’s really toxic. My mother is a former professor, now a tutor. My dad is a computer engineering professor and the one of my two parents I actually love. My brother and his girlfriend just got back from a trip and stopped by to say hi. My mom barged in through the door not even 5 minutes later. My dad and I were eating dinner, but he decided to be a four year old and hide out in the bathroom, leaving me, a minor, and my brother, who already has enough to deal with, in the dining room with my mother.
After making small talk with his girlfriend, who btw is amazing, I went to the bathroom and asked dad to come out. I told him to stop being a child. He told me to bring him his food. I told him to get it himself and grow up. Was I hostile? Yes! But he does this every. single. time. I got fed up and eventually brought him his food out of frustration. I sat back in the dining room and fed most of my food to the dog, who btw is also amazing. After that, my brother and his girlfriend managed to escape calmly and I was left to deal with the child and the b*tch. And I didn’t.
I didn’t deal because I am sick of dealing. I went downstairs and I played that piano a million times over the shouting and swearing upstairs. I made it two lines into Burn before I broke down. I kept playing. I’ve never played that song more beautifully. I don’t take piano lessons so it wasn’t anything amazing, but it was smooth and well played for its simplicity. I couldn’t sing. It is terrifying to not be able to sing. I just choked out all the words. Every time I got to that word, burn, my eyes welled up more and more. I’m shocked I only left one tear drop on the piano. I felt a million rolling down my cheeks.
My mother always makes me feel betrayed. Not because she tries, it’s not her fault she has a mental problem or that our family ended up screwed over. But it was her fault. Not her personally, but the fear I have grown of her. Her image. Her voice. Just seeing her, I feel this burning hatred. For what she did to my father. For what she did to my brother. For how she speaks about my best friend. For how she treats me. She tries, she really does, but she has the pretty picture of a really f*cking perfect family. She always says, “You know your father and I aren’t divorcing. We’ll be okay.” Excuse my language everyone, but “okay” my ass! We are broken. We are all broken and it can’t be fixed. I have tried so hard to fix us, but I can’t. And it’s not like anyone else in my family is really helping me try right now.
For once in my stupid, embarrassing life, I want people to hear me, how I really feel. I’m speaking loud and clear here.
My mother is not my family.
My family is not just blood.
I am not the only one who feels this.
I am sick of hiding out.
So I sang! I sang the best I could through clouded vision and poisonous feelings! I SANG THROUGH MY HELL! I’ll sing again, and again, and again till someone actually gets it... I’M SICK OF SINGING THIS WAY! I CAN’T UNDERSTAND MY OWN VOICE, OR HEAR MY OWN CLARITY AND TONALITY IF I HAVE TO LISTEN TO THIS GODDAMN SHOUTING! IT HURTS!
It hurts.
I feel like an embarrassment at school. I feel like I’m useless at home. No, I’m not bullied. No, I’m not physically injured. Yes, I look happy around others. No, I am not saying I am the only one. But everyone needs to know.
My mother has hurt my family.
My family cares more than my blood.
You are not the only one who feels this.
We are all sick of hiding out.
So what if my mother ever reads this. I’m done being scared of burning.
I saved every letter you wrote me I sang perfectly. From the moment I read them I knew you were mine You said you were mine The first one. I thought you were mine The flood. Do you know what Angelica said When we saw your first letter arrive? She said “Be careful with that one, love He will do what it takes to survive.” I choked up, but kept trying. You and your words flooded my senses Your sentences left me defenseless You built me palaces out of paragraphs You built cathedrals Slipped on a key. I’m re-reading the letters you wrote me I’m searching and scanning for answers In every line For some kind of sign And when you were mine Another wave. The world seemed to Burn Burn Small pause. You published the letters she wrote you You told the whole world how you brought This girl into our bed Another slip. In clearing your name, you have ruined our lives Do you know what Angelica said When she read what you’d done? She said “You have married an Icarus He has flown too close to the sun.” A longer pause and a sniffle. You and your words, obsessed with your legacy... Your sentences border on senseless And you are paranoid in every paragraph How they perceive you I dropped the next three words. You, you, you… I’m erasing myself from the narrative Let future historians wonder how Eliza Reacted when you broke her heart You have torn it all apart I am watching it Burn I sobbed. Watching it burn I broke. The world has no right to my heart The world has no place in our bed They don’t get to know what I said I’m burning the memories Burning the letters that might have redeemed you My playing grew louder. You forfeit all rights to my heart You forfeit the place in our bed You sleep in your office instead My playing grew harsh. With only the memories Of when you were mine
I hope that you burn
I meant it.