“ What comes to mind is that this is fucking stupid. ”
Leo sighed from across the table. His hands that were holding up the phone aimed at Jenny faltering a second. Lowering for a split moment, only so he could shoot Jenny a disapproving look. To which Jenny scoffed a laugh.
“ It is. It is stupid, you can’t look at me like it’s not. ” They insisted. Forcing a sort of amusement in their voice. This wasn’t funny. The fact that they were being shoved on a weird female empowerment retreat because their family didn’t know what to do with them wasn’t funny. But unfortunately, where Jenny thought Leo would usually give up with enough protest he still sat with phone pointed at them.
“ Okay don’t say what comes to mind then, say what they told you to say. ”
“ Three words to describe myself? There aren’t three words to say, man– do I seriously have to do this? ”
Leo cut them off, “ I’ve got four for you, ” he held up a hand to count off on his fingers. “ Pain in the ass. Giant pain in the ass if you want to go crazy and do five. ”
That earned a small smile. Looking down so their amusement would at least be a little hidden from the camera. From Leo. It had occurred to them why Leo was sitting there with them. Why it wasn’t their parents, why it wasn’t any of their other siblings. Leo had always been gentler with them. They didn’t know why. Maybe when they were a baby it made sense to be but not after all the shit Jenny had put him through. He was still gentle. They looked up again.
" What even is this video for, man? I don’t even get it. Are they gonna, like, what, play everyone’s when we get there? That’s so fucking cringe. ”
“ You’re stalling. ” They were. It was obviously gonna be some promotional thing. A small part of why Jenny didn’t want to do it so bad. “ C’mon, Jenny, three words. ”
They slumped in the chair, arms crossed over their body. They had to. Leo knew as well as they did that they didn’t have much of a choice. They had to make it up to their family and unfortunately The Dawn of Eve was the only way that had presented itself. And equally unfortunately, it wasn’t even that bad of a deal. Jenny was just difficult. They always had been.
Difficult. Paranoid. Grieving.
Crazy. Selfish. Freak.
Fucking lost cause.
They sighed, leaning forward once more. Resting their forearms on the dining table. Their gaze finally moving from Leo to the actual camera of the phone. Sooner this was over with, the sooner they could go back to their bed. Sneak in a little more total and utter depression before they had to act like a person with a bunch of other weirdos for a weekend. “ I’m Jenny, and I’m ” they held up a hand, counting off the words on their fingers just like Leo had, “ Over this already. ” They said, a satisfied smirk threatening to pull at their features as Leo lowered the camera and the recording stopped.
1. Tell me about your sleeping habits over the past month. Have you noticed any changes? Difficulty sleeping? Restlessness? What was it like before you were on the island?
Erin sat uncomfortably. Her hands folded in her lap, linked together so she could fidget without being entirely obvious. She hated talking about herself, especially when it came to talking about how she felt. She figured the question was standard, but their situation wasn’t so it made the question hard to answer. And it was only the first one. “ Um, ” She spoke, hating the way her voice echoed off the otherwise silent room. “ I guess I have been having pretty restless sleep, and like, difficulty going to sleep at all. ” She hadn’t been too bad on the island, at least until the boys showed up. Then she struggled to sleep unless she had her head resting on someone else’s leg. Ideally their hand brushing her hair softly. “ But, we were, like, on sand, and rock. And leaves. So it’s like, ” She fumbled, finishing with a shrug. Even now she felt guilt trying to describe her own personal struggles as struggles at all. “ I used to sleep pretty easily back home, ” Lie. Sort of. She swallowed a lump in her throat. “ I, like, had a routine, and I went to bed at the same time every night so it was just, easy, you know? ” She tried to explain.
2. How would you describe your appetite over the past 5 weeks? Have your eating habits changed in any way? What was it like before you were on the island?
“ I’m vegan. ” And that was about the easiest part of this whole thing. Telling them that. “ Or I was back home, I don’t know how well I was able to stick to that on the island. ” She chuckled weakly. She did know. She knew exactly what she had been putting in her body. She knew she had kept up her vegan values because it was a tiny little thing she had control over. A tiny little controlling habit she couldn’t let go of, even when she was starving. Wasn’t that sad? Or fucked up? Jesus. “ I cook a lot back home. And like, eat pretty healthily I think. ” Again, she knew she did. She ate healthy foods and she ate them regularly. She enjoyed food, she enjoyed the control she had with it, and she enjoyed that it was always something for her. Especially after she decided to become vegan. “ But, you know, on the island it was just, what we could find. There were a lot of periods where we were hungry, like, starving. And being scared that we wouldn’t find anything. But we found stuff, and yeah, it wasn’t like there was a choice. We had to eat to survive. ”
Wellbeing
1. Prior to the island, could you tell me about any times over the past few months that you’ve been bothered by low feelings, stress, or sadness?
Oh jeez. Erin’s hands tightened a little, looking down at her knees. She didn’t want to answer that. She didn’t want to. She knew it was a part of it. She had talked about it before. But she didn’t want to, she didn’t want to. “ Uh, I’m not sure, ” She started, her tone trying to replicate that of someone who was still thinking on their answer. But just coming out as someone who knew what the answer should be but was trying to think of someone else. “ I’m a senior so like, a lot of stress with that, I guess. And you know, sadness about all that coming to an end. ” If it was about that, it made the days she spent crying in her bed seem completely insane. It made the way she’d refused to share a bed with her lifelong friends seem completely bizarre. But Erin assumed no one here knew any of that. “ I don’t know, really. I mean, I guess everyone feels a little down sometimes, right? ” She answered, looking up at their questioner, for some sort of reassurance.
2. How frequently have you had little pleasure or interest in the activities you usually enjoy? Would you tell me more?
Her lips pursed together. She remembered how she had kept doing things, after ... it. She showed up to the things she was supposed to, the commitments she had made. She planted a smile on her face. She studied. She participated. But pleasure? Interest? She didn’t think so. That’s what the Dawn of Eve was supposed to fix. “ I’m not sure, ” She said after a moment, but she’s still thinking on her answer. “ It’s been a while, I guess. ” She admitted, though sensing her lapse she continued. “ Like, it’s routine, and I enjoy the routine, but it’s still routine, you know? ”
Autonomy, Choice, and Control
1. How often during the past few months have you felt as though your moods, or your life, were under your control?
Oh, that was a little easier. “ Most of it, I would say. ” Months instead of weeks pushed the timeline way back. That was safe for Erin, months ago she’d been happy. Months ago she’d been energetic. Months ago she’d been enthusiastic. It was just the last month and a half really. “ On the island, obviously I didn’t because, like, none of it was really controllable but I– ” Her head tilted a little as she paused to think a little longer. Had her moods really been that controllable? She’d found herself crying a lot more. But most of the time she’d still been able to hold it in until she got away from everyone, right? “ I think I was still in pretty good control of my moods. At least, in how they affected others. ” She’d only broken a time or two and told anyone how she really felt. And even when she did break, she still cared deeply about how her mood affected those around her.
2. How frequently have you been bothered by not being able to stop worrying?
Constantly? Erin thought, but didn’t say. She didn’t think it was the right answer, she didn’t think it would be helpful. Completely forgetting that this evaluation wasn’t intended to be helpful or even correct. It was an assessment of how she was. “ I’m not sure. I mean, I think I worry a lot– I know I worry a lot. But I don’t know how often it bothers me, if that makes sense. ”
Self-Perception
1. Tell me about how confident you have been feeling in your capabilities recently.
She felt a little targeted for a moment. Like this person across from her had been on the island. Like they had seen all times Erin tried and failed. Or tried and no one cared at all. Or tried and ended up feeling hated for their efforts. She pursed her lips again. What was the point in being honest? She wondered. About that, specifically. “ Up and down, I think. ” She said, her hesitancy obvious. Her hands fidgeting in her lap, tugging her sleeves further down over her hands. If she were honest with herself she would see that her confidence was based entirely in other people, and not her capabilities. She was a very capable person, and very smart person. But she stood on extremely weak foundation, all it took was a kick. “ Like, I think I can do something, that I can think about it logically and come to a solution, but– I mean it’s like everything, right? Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn’t. ”
2. Let’s talk about how often you have felt satisfied with yourself over the past few months.
Could they just kick her in the gut instead? She took a deep breath in, thinking on her answer. Like she always did, like she had for every question before. “ Well, I– ” She started but soon stopped again, editing the words that had been about to come out of her mouth. “ I think I like to challenge myself, and I think it’s hard to feel satisfied when you think like that. ” It was close to the truth, but the way she spoke gave away she knew it wasn’t totally.
Hope and Hopelessness
1. How often over the past few weeks have you felt the future was bleak?
“ Pretty– pretty often. ” She admitted, stumbling a little on her admittance and unable to stop herself from lifted a hand to scratch at her collar for a second. She folded her hands back down in her lap again, but still pretty obviously uncomfortable. “ I mean, I tried not to give in to it. Like, I tried to stay pretty optimistic. But, like– I mean, it was hard. It was really hard. ” Before the island it was hard. It had been hard for a while. She didn’t specify that, however.
2. Can you tell me about your hopes and dreams for the future? What feelings have you had recently about working toward those goals?
The question brought a sort of small smile to Erin’s lips. After the negativity of all the other questions, this one felt light. It was a question Erin knew. And answering it didn’t necessarily force her to look very deeply into herself. “ Well, I want to study Ecology, um, science and the environment and the earth are things I’ve always been really passionate about. I would love to study, like, renewable energy, or something insane like glacier meteorology, you know? ” She said, speaking with ease now that her words didn’t have to be particularly self reflective. It didn’t have to be deep. It was just a dream, one she had put a lot of thought into already. “ And like, recently-recently I haven’t thought much about it. It was like, get through the day, that’s all I could really think about. ”
Relationships and Belonging
1. Describe how ‘supported’ you feel by others around you – your friends, family, or otherwise.
“ I feel very supported by my family and my friends. ” Erin said without hesitation. She was very lucky, she had a brilliant support network. And it only slipped every now and again. But all those people were there to support her in the aftermath, right? “ Like, my mom and my dad can be, like, sort of cooky but they always want what’s best for me. And for my sister. They’ve always supported me in everything. Even when it wasn’t stuff they’ve never understood. Like, they’ve never missed any of my concerts. Not one. Not even Zoe, my sister. ” She explained, feeling warm and fuzzy just thinking about it. As much as Zoe complained about her practicing saxophone in the afternoons, she was always there sat right next to their parents. “ And my friends are amazing. Maxxy and Krista are so supportive and loving. When I was having a bad time, they like stayed over every night and watched movies and stuff with me. ”
2. What is it different on the island? Did you feel more or less supported?
“ I– ” She stopped. If it was the interrogators she would continue pushing this idea that they worked together, the group were bonded in a way they would never understand. But this person, and the way they had worded the question, it made it a more complicated. “ Yes and no, I think. ” She said, still clearly thinking on it. She didn’t have anything mean to say, because she wasn’t that sort of person and it wasn’t the sort of question being asked of her. “ I don’t think many of them understood me. And, you know, that’s okay. I don’t blame them for that. It’s not really something that can be controlled. And it’s hard to be there for someone you don’t understand. Like, properly be there. ” She felt that summed her feelings correctly, she wanted desperately to be understood, but she was forgiving when it didn’t happen. Because it always happened. Almost always. “ But like, I was supported. I got really close with Joss and Halima, and they were really there for me. Like I feel like I could go to them with anything, even now, and they’d help me work it out. Or help me feel better at least. And I hope they feel that way about me too. ”
3. Let’s discuss how you have been feeling about your relationships recently. Did you make any significant relationships on the island? How do you feel about them?
" Well I, um, I would say that I formed a significant relationship with all of them, you know? Like, because of what we went through together. I’m not ever going to forget any of them. ” She figured that wasn’t the correct answer, but it felt very important to her to say. She was going to care about all of these people for the rest of her life. Even those she didn’t always get along with. Because what they went through was bigger than that. “ But like I said, I got closer with Joss and with Halima than I did most of the others. Clarke and Divya and Grace I got close with too. ” But just not as close, that went unsaid. She still really liked them. She thought briefly about mentioning relationships that had gone awry. Those she didn’t feel like she was on steady ground with. But what was the point? She couldn’t explain how she cared about, and felt betrayed, and felt inspired by all these people. She couldn’t say it in a way that this person would understand. “ I care about them a lot. All of them. ” She said genuinely. “ I really miss them. It’s sort of silly but I just, I feel so weird without them. ”
Activity
1. Tell me about any important activities or projects that you’ve been involved with recently. How much enjoyment do you get from these?
Oh no. Back to herself. It was easy to talk about the others, and how much she loved them, and how much she missed them. When the focus was on her, and only her again, she hated it. She fumbled. She hesitated. “ Recently like the island or before that? ” She asked, and after receiving the answer of before that she looked down as she thought. Important was subjective. But she didn’t remember the last thing before the island that she’d enjoyed. Well. She did. But– “ I’m a part of a bunch of clubs at school. Like, yearbook and the environment club, I really like those. And they feel important. ” Her voice sounded apologetic, unsure. How pathetic was it that the best answer she could come up with were her school clubs?
2. Were you particularly involved with activities on the island? Did you want to be?
“ I think so. ” She said, nodding her head a little. She felt she did a lot. She didn’t know how likely it was that others would agree with her, or see how much she had given. But she thought she had, and this was about her, right? “ And I did want to be. ” She thought of the conversation she’d had with Shane once. About Shane being mad that people listened to Erin, and not to her. But that memory was quickly tainted with a more recent conversation. If it could be called that. “ I don’t know, it’s kind of hard to explain. Sorry. ” The complexities of knowing they didn’t have a choice but to do these things, but now knowing she could. But then also that overwhelming feeling of wanted to be appreciated for the efforts you made even though it had to be done. It was complex, and Erin thought she could count on one hand the people that would understand her when she tried to explain it. And all of those people had been on the island with her.
3. How frequently have you been doing things that mean something to you or your life?
Erin felt exhausted. The other interviews had taken it out of her too, but this was something more. The reflection and thought that was required for each question was something she wasn’t well versed in. This question, like so many of the others, forced Erin to look at her life in a way she didn’t often look at it. “ I mean, obviously on the island it was, like, every little thing meant something to me or my life. Like it’s survival. Everything means something. ” But, many of these questions didn’t just refer to the island. They referred to her life before. “ I don’t know. If you had asked me that a few weeks ago I would have thought that, like, everything I was doing at home had meaning. But it’s, it all seems a little trivial right now. I guess. ”
Tell me about your sleeping habits over the past month. Have you noticed any changes? Difficulty sleeping? Restlessness? What was it like before you were on the island?
“what the fuck does that have to do with anything?” jude demanded, leaning back in her chair and placing her feet on the table. jude was a light sleeper to begin with, at least when she was sober, and especially at her uncle’s. on the island, she slept rarely, the exception being when she was injured. restlessness? yes, that, constantly. but that wasn’t the island’s fault; she was always that way.
How would you describe your appetite over the past 5 weeks? Have your eating habits changed in any way? What was it like before you were on the island?
jude ate sporadically, and when she was able. this was true in new york and on the island, the major difference being whether she was short on cash or short on food in general. at home, she ate when she had cash on hand and wasn’t busy doing anything else. if her uncle was gone long enough, she’d try and raid the cupboards, though she wasn’t much of a cook. “i dunno, dude, it was a fucking island. we ate fruit. we killed stuff. i mean, i didn’t kill anything. i would have tried eventually, i guess, y’know, kill something, caveman shit, but i get the sense it’s harder than it sounds.” it wasn’t that she feared she’d have some kind of moral objection to it, but more that it required a great deal of quiet and patience to track a living animal.
Prior to the island, could you tell me about any times over the past few months that you’ve been bothered by low feelings, stress, or sadness?
well, she tried to avoid those feelings whenever possible. you could call it keeping busy, maybe, in the loosest possible terms. why would she wanna feel that shit? when she let everything catch up to her, it felt like a personal fucking failing. so fucking pathetic. “i don’t know. jesus, ace detective, what the fuck does this have to do with the plane? you guys are so fucking suspicious all the time. you know that, right? like, if you’re trying to play it off all normal like this isn’t weird as hell, you’re doing an awful fucking job.”
How frequently have you had little pleasure or interest in the activities you usually enjoy? Would you tell me more?
“i like what i like. no, i’m not gonna fucking tell you more.” well, that wasn’t wrong; she did like what she liked. she liked having sex and getting high. it was better than being at her uncle’s house, better than thinking about how fucked she was. she liked doing those things as much as she always had, though she depended on them more since her mom had died. she’d gotten kicked off of the hockey team, and she missed that. she didn’t have her drums anymore, and she missed those. but she was still interested, or whatever. it kept her moving forward, so she wasn’t just sitting still.
How frequently have you been bothered by not being able to stop worrying?
“literally never in my life until you fucking people. jesus.” jude was someone who sometimes actively avoided thought, though her answer was still only a half truth. she wasn’t a worrier, per se, but if she did find herself worrying ( about what would happen to her, be it at her uncle’s or on the island ), she got high or got in a fight or did something to stamp it out. so, maybe she worried sometimes, but she was able to stop it so easily that it was almost a talent. and there was a certain comfort that came once it had faded. maybe she had started worrying over what would happen to her, but then it would dawn on her as clear as day that she didn’t need to, because she didn’t matter. it was like a call and response: is he going to really kill me some day? if he does, who cares? am i going to die here? if i do, so what? whatever, whatever, whatever. it didn’t ever really matter.
Tell me about how confident you have been feeling in your capabilities recently.
“well, you know, i’ve really realized i’ve got a more impressive artistic eye than i originally gave myself credit for, so,” she referenced the violent doodles she’d added to the walls over the past few days. in truth, she wasn’t sure what they meant by capabilities. she was capable, she guessed. she hadn’t had a total breakdown yet. she was handling herself. she was even pretty sure she was bothering these people, which was perhaps her biggest skill. she wasn’t necessarily a super talented person, a smart person, and she knew that, but she supposed had maintained her sense of self, her anger, even here, when they probably wanted her to think she was crazy. she was a little proud of herself for that. she felt like she was still essentially herself, that she wasn’t as truly ruined as she thought she was for a few days on the island, and that was a comfort to her. she was still jude, and maybe nobody liked jude - she didn’t even like jude - but evidently, nobody could get rid of her. like a cockroach at the end of the world. ( weird to be so resilient when you kind of hate your life. weird to survive like this when you don’t even really want to. she’s just always got a fucking point to prove - never backs down when she should. )
Let’s talk about how often you have felt satisfied with yourself over the past few months.
jude sometimes made a point of trying to accept herself as she was, since nobody else seemed to be able to. she had to be satisfied with herself for making some bitchy remark, or winning a fight, because those were the things she could do. nobody else might appreciate it, but she had to, or else who would? not that she cared to answer, because she thought it was a stupid question. she didn’t know what it had to do with anything. “what the fuck are you even talking about any more? why do you care? what the fuck is going on?”
How often over the past few weeks have you felt the future was bleak?
“the future is bleak. i mean, for one thing, you’re keeping me fucking trapped in here, so.” and even aside from that, she had felt that way for a long time. she was alive because nothing had killed her yet. she went through the motions and acted on whims and tried to feel something, to be touched in one way or another, but she’d understood that she was never going to be someone happy or successful, that she was never really worth much. she didn’t have the money to get away from her uncle, and even if she did, it’s not like she contributed anything of great value to the world. she didn’t really want or wish for anything in particular, because she wouldn’t know what to ask for. she was just going through the motions, you know - doing what she did. seeing what happened.
Can you tell me about your hopes and dreams for the future? What feelings have you had recently about working toward those goals?
“i’m honestly shocked i’m not dead yet.” if she woke up in a year and wasn’t dead yet, she’d be shocked then, too. “my uncle always says i’m headed straight to jail or the morgue. so, i guess i’ll look into those. see which one i prefer. like athletes choosing between colleges.” she was joking. mostly. kind of. she didn’t care enough to try and make that clear to them. they could think whatever they wanted.
Describe how ‘supported’ you feel by others around you – your friends, family, or otherwise.
“i don’t.” jude said this with a casual nonchalance. she didn’t want to linger on the question. she didn’t have a family and she barely had friends - okay, fine, what did that have to do with any of this? how was the relevant? if she needed to get the majority of her human contact through fist fights or nameless hookups because she was that unpalatable, how was that relevant?
What is it different on the island? Did you feel more or less supported?
“honestly, dude, at this point, i literally do not fucking remembered. like, i’ve been here so long, i do not know shit anymore. i mean, i’m pretty sure i’ve got, like, serious brain damage over here, and you’re sitting me down and asking me about my plans for the future. i’ve got, like, cell death! what the fuck do you expect from me? a memoir? i do not have any idea what to tell you.” all of this to say: it had been sort of nice to have people to talk to. even if they hated her, and a lot of them probably did. maybe all of them.
Let’s discuss how you have been feeling about your relationships recently. Did you make any significant relationships on the island? How do you feel about them?
“i’m not gonna tell you about the others. it’s not any of your fucking business. if you care so much, go talk to them. i know you don’t wanna be fucking talking to me right now.” jude didn’t like being asked how she felt about things. it made her kind of uneasy. too much to sort through, and anyways, she wasn’t gonna go around talking all about everyone else, not if she could help it. it wasn’t her business to talk that much about them, either. she hoped they were all smart enough to not go around blabbing too much, but also knew that not all of them were that smart - or, at least, that suspicious. you could be smart but trusting and that would fuck you over, too. or you could be stupid but suspicious, like jude, and that might be enough.
Tell me about any important activities or projects that you’ve been involved with recently. How much enjoyment do you get from these?
“i deal drugs. it’s very important. i enjoy it a lot. i’m a big help to my community.” jesus fuck! what kinds of questions were these!
Were you particularly involved with activities on the island? Did you want to be?
“um, what counts as an activity?” she asked, thinking of her and shane’s fight club. that probably didn’t count. she’d gotten the black box with alexa and bev; that had to be some kind of activity. she supposed she wasn’t not involved. she was around. she did chores, and shit. it’s not like things wouldn’t have been fine without her, they would’ve, but she did stuff because she was there and might as well have.
How frequently have you been doing things that mean something to you or your life?
jude thought about it, tipping precariously further back in her chair. she didn’t think she’d ever done something that really meant anything to her or her life. how was she supposed to know what ‘meant something’ to her? what kind of psych major nonsense was this? “never. can i go now?”
I’m getting pissed the fucked off. I am hungry, and angry and done with this whole fucking ordeal. I don’t think I understood black holes until I felt this hunger, but this is it – this is what it feels like. A black fucking hole of acid that’s about to swallow me whole. And the others? Inventory. I swear to fuck three of them did inventory today, and it’s like nobody knows what the hell they’re supposed to be doing at this point. I get it. That’s what happens when part of the “team” fucks off thinking they’re better on their own than with the rest of us. The rest of us start to wonder if maybe they’ve got a point. And they probably do. Sometimes I wish I’d thought of it first, anyway, I digress…
What matters right now is survival, no matter the cost. People are getting more tired, more hungry, more hopeless by the day and are still doing so fucking little to change that. We can’t survive on peanuts, and if God forbid you say something all you’re met with is some bullshit reason why we can’t. But we can, and I’m done waiting around. If we’re not doing shit as a team, I’m doing it myself. Tomorrow I will try to get some limpets and fish. It worked for that old dude on the TV and it might work for us too. And if it doesn’t, then we’ll try again the day after, and the day after, something is bound to bite at some point. And if it doesn’t, there’s always the pig. The big, juicy pig that’s been dying to get caught and we’ve put in zero effort into catching. There’s always the pig, and Oona knows how to track it.
Oona. Oona keeps me sane. Oona knows what to say and do and if more people bothered listening to her, we’d all be better off. She’s like a calm before the storm, or like sweet summer rain both calming and nourishing. She’s easy to talk to, and she’s funny and she’s smart and if only one of us could ever get out of here, I’d hope it would be her. And maybe it will be, if we move our asses for things that actually matter. Maybe we can survive long enough to get the fuck out of here.
What is your greatest fear? Do you think it is realistic or not? Why? Do you think the island makes you feel better about your fears or worse? Do you think your fear could occur on this island? Is anyone on this island aware you have this fear?
Dear Diary,
Long, bad day.
I know there’s already enough to be worried about, and I know I should be taking things one step at a time, but it’s impossible not to think of home. It’s impossible not to be really, really scared. I spent my whole life knowing something bad was about to happen, but not knowing when. And then it happened, after years of wondering, and I thought it was over, but now I’m here.
I’m not delusional, I know this is the real world, and we’re in a bad situation. I’m trying to be brave about it, but I’m really, really afraid. We’re running out of food, and people are getting hurt; Lex got hurt, and I watched it happen. I’m running out of my meds, and I know - I’m gonna have an asthma attack at some point, and I won’t be able to stop it. Something bad is going to happen, and I know what, but I don’t know when. I hate it when it’s like that. I hate that death has always gone hand in hand with relief.
I hate myself for feeling that way, too. I always try to be so grateful, but I’m not so good at that. I never have been. Even now, things could be worse, but they’re still pretty bad. Is it awful to say I’ve finally earned it? The feeling sorry for myself? At least I know it’s justified now. ( See? I can still find the silver lining, even now. )
I’m pretty sure I’m going to die here. I know it’s possible for rescue to find us - I’d like to think that’s what happened with the boys - but I don’t want to get my hopes up. Not right now, not when I’m alone, and not daydreaming about the future with Odessa. I think I need to be serious now, be practical now, if I’m ever going to be brave. I need to remove myself from the fairy tale, if I’m going to be brave.
But I don’t feel brave. It’s like I know what I’m up against, but there’s nothing I can do. Just another way for my body to fail me, I guess. To fail my family. I guess that’s what scares me most, thinking about Mom and Dad. They must be losing their minds. And what if they think I’m already dead? They can’t handle it, I don’t think they can handle it. Another funeral. We all know it should have been me, but this isn’t what that means, it was never what that meant.
I’ve always been scared. Every waking moment, petrified out of my mind. I guess I’ve been training for this, but I don’t think it’s helping. I don’t think it’s helping me at all.
In the miraculous event that I’m helicopter-lifted off this island of misfit lesbos, I am writing to you to let you know that you’re a FUCKING CUNT who is disinvited from all of my birthday parties, forever.
What was it that you told Mom and Dad about this bullshit “retreat?” That it’s all about female empowerment? That it’d be good for me to bond with girls my age in a non-competitive environment? Well, you were fucking wrong. Because these are some of the weakest, dumbest bitches I’ve ever come within 500 feet of, and they couldn’t be empowered to fart out a smoke signal if it meant getting us the hell out of here.
Let me give you just a sample of the selection I’ve spent the past seven days marinating in my own body odor and vagina funk with:
Alexa came to this wilderness retreat having already mastered the art of camouflage, because despite being a super-rich socialite influencer from the UK, nobody has ever fucking heard of her. And I probably could have gone the rest of my life being blissfully ignorant of her existence; all the money in the world couldn’t buy this cunt a clue.
Shane, unfortunately, is not a man, but you wouldn’t guess that by looking at her. I don’t think she’s gone a single day without picking a fight with someone, which must be a side affect of popping more pills than a geriatric cancer patient. You’d think getting OFF drugs would turn someone into less of a schizo, but all it’s done is made her more of a neurotic bitch. Someone should finally take one for the team and slip a rosary pea into her rainwater when she’s not looking — she’d probably mistake it for ibuprofen.
Who else? There’s Cherry, who’s flexible enough to do cheer but not enough to locate her backbone. Divya, whose only personality trait is being pretty...have I mentioned Oona, yet? Because nobody seems to think about Oona, so I figure giving her a shoutout will be the first and only attention she receives by the end of this shitshow.
Jenny, however, is going to murder us all in our sleep one day if I don’t get there first. Sometimes, I wake up at night and just see them pacing around, tweaking like a homeless person on a meth bender. ARE they homeless? Are we letting homeless people on JetBlue flights now? I’m going to give them my membership card to Kroger and see if they trade it with Shane for some amphetamine.
And then there’s Joss, aka Jocelyn King, aka one of the stupidest living creatures in the Pacific, and that includes the carcass-feeding bacterium at the bottom of the ocean. In fact, she’s probably the reason we’re even still stuck here. She tried to draw an SOS signal in the sand when we first crashed, except I guess Austria doesn’t teach basic English, because she couldn’t even spell the word HELP. IT’S A 4 LETTER FUCKING WORD. I want to pierce a spear through her head and watch it deflate so I can wear her body as a swimsuit for my escape to the Bermuda Triangle. That’d be more useful to anyone than whatever it is she’s doing now.
There are others, but they’re so insignificant they could probably drift off into the sea in broad daylight and nobody would even notice they’re gone. I can’t even remember their names.
I wish I could tell you I’m having a great time enjoying coconut cocktails and aromatherapy massages under the Hawaiian sun. I also wish you weren’t the cuntiest sister alive, enjoying your mission trip to Atlanta while I’m stuck rotting away on a desert island where nobody can find me, but we can’t all get what we want. I’m learning that the hard way.
XOXO,
Alana
P.S. If I do die, do NOT let Sam or Isa show up to my memorial in ballet flats.
Here. If your head’s getting crowded and you wanna like, empty it, try this.
It’s the day after the girls’ big island bash. But like the saying goes, what goes up must come down. Without the distraction of an impromptu party, it’s difficult to take their mind off of the fact that it’s been over a week now on the island with no rescue. The reality of that is very concerning but luckily for the girls, the Dawn of Eve swag bags that washed up with them included dairies and pens. Nothing quite like some journaling to help empty their crowded minds.
For the week, it’s only mandatory that you do one journal entry from the topics listed below. However, you can do more if you’d like, centering around topics you’d think your character would write about. (I certainly wouldn’t mind getting that good ish from y’all. 👀)
CHOOSE A COLOR TO CENTER YOUR JOURNAL ENTRY AROUND:
GREY: When you woke up on the island, who did you think was trustworthy/untrustworthy and why? Now that you’ve been on the island for over a week, how have those opinions changed? Who do you want to stick with and who do you want to avoid?
GREEN: How have you grown on the island? Do you think you have improved as an individual during your time here? Or do you think the island is unravelling you and making you confront parts of yourself you’re trying to run from?
BLUE: Do you miss civilization? What do you miss most about it? What do you miss about your home/being at home? Do you think your family and friends miss you? Who is the person you miss the most? Do you feel any regret about the way you left things before going on the retreat?
YELLOW: What do you think of to pass the time and stay sane on the island? What do you fantasize about? What daydream keeps you going when times are tough? (I’m not saying this is the topic to choose if you want to write fanfic but this is the topic to choose if you want to write fanfic asdfghjk.)
PINK: How do you feel about the girls you’re stranded with? What was your opinion of them at the start? What is your opinion of them now? Do you think you’d be friends with them in the real world? Would you like to remain in contact and be friends with them when you are all found and rescued?
RED: Do you feel angry about the situation you are in? What about the island annoys or frustrates you the most? How are you coping with the environment and weather conditions of the island? How are you handling the different personalities on the island? Do you feel there have been any clashes between yourself and the other girls?
OPTIONAL BONUS PORTION: You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.
Include a page of random doodles from your character! What would they draw about? Are they a typography bitch? Are they a draws-an-eye type of girl? Let us know! You can find the notebook HERE for editing purposes.
