i really, really miss my first three years of college.
everything was so much simpler then. i was surrounded by wonderful friends that i could see and hang out with on a regular basis, i had plenty of creative and physical outlets, there was hardly ever any drama.... i was living free.
i remember at the time i felt like this was a new chapter in my story, one that really made it feel like i was doing better and honestly enjoying life for once.
it was truly the happiest time of my life.
eventually it started to fade. people graduated and left, or stopped hanging out with the same people and drifted away. shared interests and pastimes started dwindling.
once it was my turn to leave, i felt like that chapter came to a close, and the fun had ended. it was all over.
looking back now, it really feels like that whole period in my life was just a glimpse through a window to another persons life. a life that doesnt belong to me. a life i wish to keep more than anything in the world.
i keep saying that i want to find a job here, so i can move back. but even if i did, it wouldnt fix anything. id just be trying to force that same feeling i had back then, but it would never be the same. these short visits serve as a reminder of that. among many other things.
and i know i had an appreciation for what i had even when i had it. i didnt quite live life to my fullest, but i loved the life i lived. in a way, i knew it had to end eventually, but i always hoped and sorta believed that that feeling would last forever. this was naive, i know. but now that its gone.... its all i can think about. because i doubt ill ever feel the same way again.
and like, if i could travel back in time, or somehow do it all over again, id do it in a heartbeat. call me selfish, but even if i learn nothing from it, id give up all the growth ive had since then to have that back.
