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Hi. I was just wondering... where does your profile pic come from? I really like it.

Oh, shoot, i should probably have written that somewhere :oIt’s by the artist who used to have the handle @wisupi! But that blog is empty now? Here is the art that it’s from: https://boldimages.tumblr.com/post/159874219275/wisupi-pink-and-yellow-dump-yeeee

If anyone knows what the artist changed her handle to, please let us know!!

#wisupi #theseastorm

Oh gosh this is so long. Sorry Ash ^^;;

Hahahah I wish I could make this short but I've tried to explain it succinctly before and people didn't understand the extent to which I'm a sad sop with unresolved issues. I was in the wrong, too, and maybe I was more wrong than she was.

In high school I was in the Speech and Debate club and I found my best friend there. She was shy but with the encouragement of the people around her she ended up being more passionate about Speech and Debate than I was. She was a really stubborn, smart, and easily offended girl that I loved - she was always in charge and she knew what she wanted. I admired her. We spent a lot of time together and even though she was prone to irritation and stress I was a big pushover and it made it easy on both of us. I let a lot of unfair situations blow over that I could have told her off about but looking back – if I had done that she would have turned against me and I never wanted that.

I felt like I had finally found a friend that I could be around and my only job was to be me – a total goof, a soft ball of goop. I knew her so well. I knew that she had suffered pain in the past and rejection and I didn’t want to do that to her. During our time together as partners I thought we’d be friends forever. I was ignoring a lot that was going on.

Honestly it was unhealthy for me. She was stubborn and when I wanted to speak up I couldn’t unless I wanted to cause friction between us. I constantly felt bad because I felt like I dragged us down in rounds and yet somehow we got to state championships. That was the best event of my life. Then I graduated and we stayed in touch but I noticed that she was becoming more and more distant as the year went on.

I frequently went to tournaments and I hung out with her and it seemed like everything was fine – except she was finding other people to replace me. There was one instance where she chose to skype two of her friends while I was over instead of talk to me and I was left to awkwardly smile at a conversation I had no say in. Everything became strained and I didn’t understand what had happened. I knew how she could be but I never guessed that I would be one more person she chose to cut out of her life, not after everything we had been through together and how much I had thought I mattered to her, too.

She began to avoid me and it confused me and hurt me. I tried to confront her about it and she wouldn’t have any of it. I cried a lot that night. She was changing and I wasn’t a part of the change that was happening. She didn’t want me to be. I didn’t understand why not.

She finally ended up telling me that it wasn’t that I had offended her but that, basically, she had other people that were more important to her now. That I was unfairly demanding that she focus all her attention on me and that I didn’t understand that she was stressed and that she had people she wanted to spend time with more than me. That she did in fact respond to me – which was true if you want to think about it literally.

That hurt me because I did understand and I wanted to be someone she could rely on – the same way she had for two years. She had gone through so many motions to make me feel as though I was important – I mean she hugged me when my ferret died though I hadn’t said anything, she could see I was crying, and she told me that she was there. When I went to her for comfort later she failed to respond. She wrote me the kindest letter and she told me that I was important to her when I graduated. I suppose that was when I should have left for good.

Well, she told me her side and I was angry for the first time. I finally spoke back to her and she never responded. I regret that. I wish I had said less or said more sooner. I know that she’ll only see that I failed to understand. Maybe I didn't. I invested a lot of time and emotion in her and when everything was over all I had to show was a letter and an empty spot inside me that screamed “FUCK YOU.” I wonder now what I should have done differently. If I should have stepped aside once more and said, “You’re right, I’m sorry. At least you’re being honest.” Or if what I did was right. I don’t think it was. There was a third option: To just accept it quietly. I was indignant and hurt though so I acted out.

Now I realize that it was always shallow. That I took it more seriously than she ever did.

But it scares me now, the idea that words mean nothing. That people can say things and not mean them. That I can mean so little. It’s stuck with me and I don’t know how to let go of those feelings in some situations. Sometimes I wonder if it hurt me more than it should’ve. She made me feel worthwhile and since then I'm so prone to feeling worthless. People come by and tell me, “You’re cool. You’re great. You’re funny. I like you.” And then I start to feel worthwhile again until they change their mind and then there I am – hopeful, a sad, and resigned to an awful feeling inside me.

#personal #response #wisupi