lily…….. streets are saying youre posting part five to red cupid strings soon 🌀🌀🌀🌀🌀 (i miss them so bad please we need to know what happens next to maekar and his doll)
this made me laugh out loud oh my gosh
you’re all so incredibly funny. like actually hahahah. also is that emoji suppose to represent me being hypnotized?
cause matter of fact… i may or may not post tomorrow. who knows, maybe streets is right.
So I was like...gone from the tumbls for a while. Most of it was because of work.
some of it was because i needed to drop out of the echo box for a while and try to learn to process my mental state without other people looking over my shoulder.
anyway...
updates on myself because i’ve been quiet on all my social media - sorry friends:
My body is trying to kill me and not in the normal “hey you’re getting older welcome to gradual deterioration!” way. Not sure what’s going on still. I think I may have mentioned some of it back before I dropped off the face of the planet.
Doctor doesn’t know what it is and I’ve been officially unofficially dx’d with “old fat and lazy”. which doesn’t help much but whatever doc. My grandpa (Mom’s dad) had pancreatic cancer but after some extreme chemo and a surgery he’s fine. My nana (Dad’s mom) has been recently dx’d with late onset MS and she’s thinking that my aches and pains and bad days might be my showing symptoms of MS. Which, you know, great.
But the Doc doesn’t want to try and help me actually find out what’s wrong. They always go with “you’re overweight and could stand to work out” which, yeah. Okay I get that. But working out is difficult when your entire body hurts like the burning of a thousand suns and also the gravitational pull of a blackhole all at once for no goddamn reason. Okay...that’s a bit of an extreme exaggeration but living is goddamn painful right now and I can barely type due to pain in my wrists, right shoulder, upper back, and oooh i’m getting a headache that feels like a migraine - the fourth one I’ve had this week. Standing hurts - my feet bones sometimes feel like one of them (or maybe a tendon) has snapped out of place and popped back in - or like i’m standing on a very sharp but only on the inside of my foot. My knees are my knees and they’ve been this way for exactly 1 decade this summer. I can’t sleep - the lifemate thinks it’s due to my period because, “every time you get your period you go through this”. and I’m like...no I haven’t had a full nights sleep in months, I just haven’t complained about it since my last period. But thanks.
The only person who really understands what I might be going through is my Nana, and I’m trying not to munchausen’s my way into thinking I’ve got MS. Or anything else because I’m pretty sure I’ve done that with lots of things.
I’m not mentally ill except for actual clinical depression - I just want to believe there’s something wrong with me because I suffer from “privileged white person syndrome” where everything in my life has been pretty damn good and I want to be oppressed so bad - thanks Republican upbringing!
So I’m probably not actually experiencing pain - just my brain’s attempt at making me have an excuse to not exercise or do work because I’m at my heart a lazy good for nothing that’s not worth anyone’s time or patience.
But if my brain is making it up then it’s really damn good at experiencing pain when I’ve had so little pain dealt to me physically. I mean, REALLY good at it. cause this fucking sucks.
Okay i’m done with my pity party.
not much of an update i guess. i just have been feeling alone and like nothing really matters and i’m not worth the oxygen it takes for me to exist for a really long time and I missed my vent box where it felt like i wasn’t that alone.
On that note, in order to keep this from being a toxic echo chamber where I forget how the real world works, I’ve unfollowed anyone who I haven’t met in person, or attempted to meet in person with like...3 exceptions and that’s only because I like your posts.
so if we’ve never met, and i’m still following you, it’s because you post good things historically. this is subject to my whims and desires however so if you lose a follower and it’s me i’m sorry - it’s nothing personal.
but he just MESSAGED ME ON FACEBOOK. omg the written word gives so many more opportunities for great jokes than talking in person so this is GREAT.
wow i am so annoying i am sorry please forgive me but look i put it under a read more so you entered at your own risk.
UPDATE: so he didn't reply for like thirty minutes after i replied, and then I GOT A TEXT MESSAGE FROM AN UNKNOWN NUMBER THAT WAS HIM. and he was like "so i got your message but facebook won't let me see it." i'm calling SHENANIGANS.
not that i care though, he can text me whenever he wants cause he fine.
