❀ ⇢ requested: yes | no
❀ ⇢ word count: 1.8k
❀ ⇢ genre: angst
things change, people change. and it hurt to realize that so did your feelings.
⇢ posted: 04.05.19 . | . masterlist
Taking a deep breath, you steeled your resolve.
Meet up at our usual place? You hurriedly typed, fingers trembling just barely. Eyes scanning over the text had you almost backing out and deleting it but this was something you’d been thinking about for a while. It was something you had to do, regardless of how it made you feel.
Quickly hitting send, you turned off your phone and pocketed it as you continued down the path. You knew it was just adding pain to the wound by doing this at your spot but at the same time, it felt only right.
Before you and Spencer had started dating, the two of you discovered a small path at the park that led to a small clearing cut through the middle by a running stream. You dubbed it your spot and it was only natural for it to become used for nearly everything. If you failed a test, it was the clearing. If Spencer was feeling overwhelmed with hockey, it was the clearing. When Spencer finally asked you out after the two of you pined for years, it was the clearing with battery powered lights meticulously hung throughout the trees.
When you were agonizing over where to do this at, the first place that came to mind was your spot. It was only fitting, being a staple of your relationship over the years.
Deep down, you were aware that the reason you were getting there early was due to the off-chance that being bombarded with all of the memories would change your mind. Only when you broke through the hanging tree branches and peered around, nostalgia filled you but so did a sense of finality.
Heaving a loud sigh that mingled with the sound of trickling water, you cut across fallen branches and settled down onto a large worn rock overlooking the stream. A breeze that wasn’t present a few minutes ago danced along what skin you had left bare, the sun only just beginning to set under the tops of the trees. Pulling your knees up and hugging them to your body, you laid your head down.
The familiar sounds reminded you of simpler times. Of when you and Spencer would escape from reality and seek comfort in the other, whispering soft promises that you now knew would become empty.
And it was all because of you.
A tear fell and you brushed it away, barely acknowledging it as you took in everything that you would be ruining after tonight. The crunching of footsteps broke you from your thoughts. Peering over your shoulder, you locked eyes with the newcomer.
“Hey,” Spencer said softly, smiling without a care in the world as he made his way over to you. Your chest gave a painful clench but you ignored it and returned the sentiment.
“I got a bit worried when you didn’t return my text,” he told you while he sank down next to you, nudging you gently.
Tilting your head in confusion, you pulled your phone out with furrowed eyebrows. “Oh,” you muttered in surprise, seeing the texts from him. “I didn’t even notice them.”
He nodded in understanding. “Yea, this place does that to you, doesn’t it?” he replied, staring into the running water. He was so relaxed, his legs sprawled out and dangling off the rock as he leaned back onto his hands. It clashed so vividly with your curled up form, the scene looking odd to anyone that would peer into your hidden world.
You gave a hum of agreement, eyes drinking in the sight of him. The colors of the setting sun danced along the panes of his face, his eyes now closed and oblivious to his surroundings. Your breath caught in your throat as tears flooded your eyes, knowing that you would be the one to ruin this.
And out of everything that’s happened so far, it was the sight of him so carefree and at peace that made you pause.
“This is nice,” Spencer broke the silence, unaware of your internal turmoil.
The self-inflicted pressure weighing down on you was too much, you realized as you choked back a sob. “Yea,” you agreed with a thick voice, closing your eyes and pressing your face into your knees, “Yea, it is.”
“Hey, are you okay?” Spencer asked, catching onto the emotion present in your voice and pulling himself up to face you. Clenching your eyes shut so tight it was almost painful, you decided that you couldn’t prolong it anymore. You carefully lifted your head up and stared ahead, avoiding looking at him and his worried expression because you didn’t deserve it, god you didn’t deserve it.
“I don’t think I love you anymore.”
Finally voicing aloud the realization that had been plaguing you for week washed away any inkling of hope that it wasn’t true. When the thought first appeared in the back of your mind, you banished it. It was crazy, you reasoned. Of course you still loved him, how couldn’t you?
But then you noticed that you no longer felt that lightness in your chest when he laughed. No longer lost your breath when he beamed at you. No longer did you get butterflies when he pulled you into his arms and pressed his lips against yours. No longer experienced that glee when he said I love you, instead feeling burdened that you had to say it back.
No longer did you see him in your future when you pictured it.
And even after that, you tried telling yourself that that was normal. You couldn’t expect the honeymoon phase to last forever, right? It was just a little bump in the road and soon enough you would go back to thinking the world of him, treasuring the time you spent with him.
Except none of that came back. Everything felt empty, felt nothing like it used to.
That was when you were forced to acknowledge that maybe, just maybe, that crazy thought was right. It didn’t stop you from having hope, and now that hope was gone.
“What do you mean?”
His voice was weak, confused. The guilt and pain suffocated you, choked you to the point of not being able to get any air into your lungs.
Instead of answering, all you said was a broken ‘I’m sorry’.
“No, no,” you saw him shake his head in the corner of your blurry vision. “You don’t—you said—you don’t love me anymore?” He stumbled his way through his words, heartbreak echoing in them.
Your head shook on its own accord, your eyes closing sending a few more tears cascading down your cheeks. “I’m sorry,” you gasped out again, it becoming all you were capable of saying.
“No,” he swallowed loudly, staring at you through pained eyes, “I don’t understand.”
“I don’t—can’t—“ you tried to get out, not even sure of what you were saying at this point, “I can’t do this anymore.”
A choked breath left your boyfriend, “Can’t do what?”
You knew this was coming, but that didn’t make it hurt any less. “I can’t be with you. Not when I—” you cut yourself off, not able to admit it again.
Spencer stilled beside you before moving to kneel in front of you. “Look at me Y/N,” he pleaded, grabbing at your hands. “Please look at me,” he tried again when your eyes remained shut. Shuttering out a breath, you gave in knowing it was the least you owed him.
A sob left you as you looked at him, his eyes rapidly blinking away tears that you caused oh god. You stayed silent as he took in a breath before talking.
“What did I do wrong, baby?” he asked brokenly, unable to wipe away the tear that dripped down his face. Instead, he continued to rub the back of your hands and you knew it was for his sake as much as it was for you. Pulling one of your hands away, you reached out to brush away the tear track and stroked his cheek.
“You did nothing wrong, Spence,” you told him, your heart aching at the way he leaned into your touch.
He sniffled softly, closing his eyes. “I swear I’ll do things differently this time,” he promised you quietly, frowning with still shut eyes, “Just please, I can’t—fuck. I can’t lose you. I love you.”
Tears left you both freely now. Sobs wracked your body at the sheer pain and anguish that the pair of you felt. It wasn’t fair, why couldn’t you just be happy together? Why did you have to fuck everything up?
You shifted forward, leaning your forehead against his and just taking in being close to him, knowing that this might very well be the last time. The air had a bite to it now, the cold numbing you on the outside. Neither of you paid attention to the chill, too busy clinging to each other, slowly coming to terms with the ending of your relationship.
“This is the best for both of us,” you told him in between crying, pulling back to smile sadly at him. “You don’t—fuck—you don’t deserve being with someone who doesn’t love you as much as you love them, Spence. You deserve so much more than what I can give you.”
His features twisted as he looked down. You had resigned yourself to that being it, of him letting you go in silence as he stayed quiet. Yet right as you preparing yourself to stand up, he spoke.
“Can you just—just kiss me?” he pleaded desperately, “One last time? That’s all I ask. Please?”
You knew you shouldn’t, that it would just hurt you both more. But you couldn’t deny that small part of you that wanted to one more time, just to see.
Cupping his face in your hands, you leaned down to press your lips to his. His hands grasped at you while he melted into your embrace. You both knew that it was the end and poured everything you could into it. From love, to pain, to despair, all the way to the gratitude that everything had the chance to happen in the first place. It tasted bittersweet, that your time together went from bliss to this. Your fingers tangled in his hair as he held tightly onto your waist aware that you would be gone when he let go.
And when it finally ended, he didn’t bother opening his eyes to see you go. Merely let his grasp loosen as his hands fell to his lap. He slumped down on the ground, silent tears falling slowly. You brushed them away before pressing one last kiss to his forehead.
Speaking was too painful for both of you, and so your departure was quiet except for the sounds of nature surrounding you. You didn’t look back at Spencer, leaving him at the place where your relationship had once blossomed and evolved.
And as the tree branches fell back into place behind you, you couldn’t help but hope that he was able to find someone who could love him like you weren’t able to anymore.
