#wondering laney

[miss-laney]

you have to be a real messed up mama to take a depressed 27 year old and turn her into a happy 5 year old

[miss-laney]

accidents happen and it's okay if you need to cry, little one.

i will never be mad at you for being sad, or treat your feelings like a problem.

i will never blame you for things you're too little to have thought about.

i know you're worried and scared, but it'll be okay. i care about you so much.

so cry, little one. it's okay to have feelings and not be able to stop them.

it's okay to cry as much as you need.

[miss-laney]

i used to be a mommy sub. this meant that as a mommy i saw the parent-child relationship as (when done correctly) weighted heavily in a little ones favour. if i wanted to be a good mommy (and not an abusive parent) then i should listen to and attend my little ones needs. i would take responsibility for making sure they were eating enough and drinking enough and sleeping enough, and i would worry over them and try to encourage them to make good decisions and do what i could to keep them safe and happy.

i am different now. my experience before left me in a place where i felt a lot of responsibility for my little ones. there was a lot of love and care, but distance kept things like play in a really difficult place. my mommying hinged on the girls' willingness to listen to me. i was able to care for them and love them, but i wasn't able to really care for them, look after them, or force them to look after themselves. i felt powerless in my role, i felt needed but unable to fulfill those needs, and i slipped out of focus and went dormant.

i don't want to end up in that position again, so i'm hesitant to approach things like that again. i need to be more than a carer. i need there to be more to it than that. i want to try engaging with being more dominant as a mommy. i'll always be quite soft and there for my little one's needs, but at the same time, there may be a need to be stern and strict from time to time. i want to be a mommy, but i want it to be kink, too. i may have to pay close attention to and make sure i meet my little one's needs, but at the same time...

mommy knows best.

[miss-laney]

What would you encourage for regressing a mostly content 20something down to her true age?

- 💒

here's some homework from Miss Laney

go to the nearest supermarket, and find where they keep the children's colouring books. pick one up with animals to colour in. make sure the pictures are simple and easy, and don't get one of those adult colouring books, because you're not an adult, you're just a little one. get some colouring pens too, they shouldn't be far from the colouring books.

don't worry about what others think. if anyone asks they can be for your niece. no one will ask. take your colouring book and your pens home, and set yourself up alllll comfy. put on some nice music. nothing loud or sweary. and sit down to colour! colour in a page however you feel, but do it with your 'wrong' hand, and colour until you're not thinking, or worrying, or being anything big at all.

if you have a paci, suck on it while you're colouring like a good little girl, and let all those big, mean, nasty thoughts go quiet. focus on being a good little thing, colouring in your colouring book all nice and calmly!

[miss-laney]

my name is Lane, Laney if you're little, Miss Laney if i'm looking after you.

i'm a caregiver trying to find myself again after some dormancy.

used to be mommy-misc, now miss-laney

i'm transfem and in my 40's

only really interested in mommying other transfems

i love my little girls

unable to commit to online-only relationships

too busy to take on more girls

[miss-laney]

nearly two weeks back on domperidone and my milk supply is building up again! this is happening!

[miss-laney]

the thing about travelling lots is that it's really hard to maintain a regular expression cycle

technically, one should be expressing every two hours and once in the night, to simulate a baby feeding... but that's a lot

i've been expressing four times a day, which isn't a lot, but when you're on a train, the only place you'll get any privacy is the toilet and... yuck. in fact, if you're breastfeeding, there's very few places that are okay with breastfeeding, and even then, you have to really mask what you're doing. you can get all kinds of maternity clothing for the task, too. four times a day at home isn't hard, four times a day out and about is a pain in the behind

and i can't imagine that any of those places that are friendly to breastfeeding mothers are going to be just as friendly to a trans woman who needs to express her milk

which makes it very hard to keep up a regular schedule.

[miss-laney]

there's something amusing about the first day i'm really fronting just so happens to be UK mothers day. i don't think i'd like to be wished a happy mothers day though. i have some complicated feelings to work out about myself as a mommy.

i have been looking after a little this afternoon, which is... i've missed this? but i still have a lot to process. i don't know how i feel yet. i want to be a caregiver again, but i'm scared. i don't want to start caring for littles only to break again. i need to find what makes this feel good for me - how to care and have fun caring. most of all, i don't want anyone to get hurt.