Not sure if I could label this random ramble thing as a vent or wtvr, but heyyy it's fine...
I hate feeling like I fucked up something that dealt with people I personally thought I was close with. Cause, yeah, I'm glad they're happier now cause I'm not in the picture anymore,, but I'm lwk not happy. I mean, I do have my three siblings (found family type shit), but I miss THEM.
I miss hanging out with them, talking with them frequently, joking around.. all of that. And even though they did reassure me like "oh, no, it wasn't something you did" or whatever the fuck... I still feel like I fucked up drastically.
Like did I do something that they didn't like?? Did I say something?? Did I act weirdly??
I don't know cause idk if I'll ever even get that answer cause we barely even talk anymore.
I just feel like I did something horrible. But I don't wanna bother them saying smth like: "Hey, ik this situation is basically done and over with but because I'm fucking paranoid and need some closure, can you tell me what I did wrong so I can fix myself up for the future??"
I really fucking miss them, I do. I still have the things they gave me cause I can't get the heart to put them away cause it feels like I'm betraying something I so desperately hope will come back even though I know fucking damn well it won't and we'll go right back to being strangers who never knew each other's names and who exactly we were.
Hell, it's so bad I started getting EMOTIONAL when talking about this shit to my therapist cause it hurt me so fucking bad. And idk how to explain to one of us that "hey man, remember the people who you called your kids and they called you "dad" and allat? Yeah so they aren't in our life anymore" cause i don't know how he'll react; I don't know if we'll end up splitting because of it..
I'm just so fucking stuck and idk what to do, and it feels like I have nothing to do with myself anymore even though I have people I do talk to and hangout with. I just feel like a huge chunk of myself was taken away from me all of a sudden.
Now, that's not saying I don't enjoy talking/hanging out with my siblings.. cause I enjoy it a LOT, trust me, they make me laugh so fucking hard dude it's not even funny. But it still feels like a piece is missing.
Anyways, woohoooo.. first time venting on this fuckass account instead of my main.. yay.......
