Jan 26, 2015
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diagz
I close my eyes and take a minute on this St. Patrick's Day full moon, so lay in bed for second and make a couple full-hearted wishes: to get over the boy who has been trampling on my heart, because he doesn't deserve it. To love myself more than I have before, because I do deserve it. And to find someone in my life again soon who cares about me the whole-hearted way I care about other people. And may that person be a lovely addition to my life and not the center of it.
.....and maybe it'd be nice to get laid soon too.
Marcelo put it best when he said that I'm not really in love with you, I'm in love with the idea of you being my boyfriend because I haven't found something better yet. Half of me wants him to be right, because there could be so much more in my life. And half of me wants him to be wrong, to believe that we were more than that. Hopefully, I'll figure it out soon.
Drunk Texts
Him: Sry. The bus here is mad small. Short bus status. Mad packed.
Her: Oh my god did you just say sorry haha? And mean it?
Him: Nah
Her: 30 seconds to be nice!
Him: Always nice
Her: Nope. Right now. To me. Cause I'm awesome.
Him: Im not just guna make somethin up to say dude
Her: FUCK YOU.
Him: Glad ur my friend rachel
Her Head: Really? Cause I'm pretty sure you're my best friend, and I'm the girl who's in love with you, that you dane to put up with for some unknown reason. Wish I knew why. Cause I really don't understand it.
Starting all over again. First day on my own after the personal training sessions with Billy. But I'm feeling good about attempting, again, to find a better balance of health, mentally, physically, and emotionally.
Dreaming
Lately I've been having dreams with a lot of repeating elements. They pretty much consist of stress dreams related to my new restaurant, threats from large wild animals, and hanging out in sort of mundane and normal ways with Miles. All in the same dreams.
Last night it started in the restaurant, Miles and I were drinking with JP and there were other customers in the restaurant that I may have been supposed to be waiting on, but wasn't. So they left, and then so did we, and somehow JP ended up on the roof of the building (which was significantly taller than in real life, next to other tall buildings, but sitting on the beach). And on the roof across from us there was a leopard pacing. back and forth. It wouldn't stop looking at us, but it was obvious that the gap was just a little to far for it to jump.
And so we went down the fire ladder off of the building down on to the beach which looked like an open zoo because there were just so many animals around. beyond the sand there were zebras grazing under trees, and elephants in the distance. There were lion cubs wrestling on the beach and a couple mother lions in the water. And we just started playing frisbee around them, it was weird, but perfect in the summer-sun way. Until, after petting the lion cub, it ran up behind be and clamped on to the back of my neck with its claws and teeth. I screamed for them to get it off, but no one could or would. And then one of the lionesses came out of the water and pulled it by the back of its neck off of me. Looked in my eyes, and just walked away with it.
Leopard To see a wild leopard in your dream suggests that you will eventually overcome your difficulties through persistence. Alternatively, dreaming of a leopard means that you are who you are, just like a leopard can't change its spots.
Beach To see the beach in your dream symbolizes the meeting between your two states of mind. The sand is symbolic of the rational and mental processes while the water signifies the irrational, unsteady, and emotional aspects of yourself. It is a place of transition between the physical/material and the spiritual.
To dream that you are on the beach and looking out toward the ocean indicates unknown and major changes that are occurring in your life. Consider the state of the ocean, whether it is calm, pleasant, forbidding, etc.
Neck To dream that your neck is injured or sore indicates a separation between your heart and mind. There is a literal disconnect between how you feel and what you think. You are feeling conflicted.
Lion To dream that you are attacked by a lion suggests that a force may be driving you to self-destruction. You need to overcome these challenges and obstacles.
Lioness To see a lioness in your dream represents your maternal instincts. You will go to great lengths to protect your interests. Alternatively, a lioness symbolizes hope, victory, tenacity and stamina.
I don't know, a lot of this is easily applicable. And though I know that its not science, and someone probably had a lot of fun making these definitions up, it comfrots me that in this way my crazy dreams really do seem to reflect my emotional state.
Optimistic Rock Bottom
Well, I actually hit rock bottom last night. In all honesty I'm sort of surprised I had it in me to go there, but I did something about alcohol and rejection make me do crazy things. I wish there was a way to apologize the way I want to, in depth, hundreds of words pouring out of me. but that's too much, it might make me feel a little better but it doesn't actually fix anything. I know what I did and how very different that is from what I should have done. I'm embarrassed, but I've accepted it. Its over. There's nothing to do but movie forward. It literally cannot get any worse, so at least I don't have to worry about that. And if he still wants to talk to me and be in my life after how I treated him, then I guess I have a really great friend, even if it's not exactly what I want it to be. And if he doesn't--which I could completely understand--then at least that decision was made for me and I don't need to struggle with it anymore. Regardless, things are going to be different in 5 days when really won't see him most days a week. I'm scared, but I'm also a little excited for the possibilities. Summer is beautiful so far, and I'm full of optimism.
Push and Pull
This morning I was so in love with you. Bright and early. Full of optimism. You took advantage. I stayed and helped you two more hours than I needed to. "Is your sister still with Max?" "Nah, she dropped him, I guess he was really fucked up over it." "Oh, I wonder how that feels." You laughed. I loved our awkward hug. I gave you shit for it because its not really a hug if it doesn't last 10 seconds. #beggerscantbechoosers I fell out of love with you in the afternoon. Because a professor told me to never date someone who doesn't read. Because you've never been interested in my writing except the stuff about you... sometimes. Because you've had Less Than Zero for two months and it might change your life if you let it. Because you don't think about the beyond paying for Jim and PBR. I thought I had changed that. I fell in love with the idea of having a home, of being comfortable. I miss belonging (with you). "I relish these moments with you, Rachel" Midnight sidewalk confessions with Tzivia make me happy. We talk to loud about things that probably shouldn't be said but once you've read and critiqued memoirs in multiple classes you really feel like you know someone on a deeper level. 40 minute phone calls with old friends two nights in a row makes me feel wonderful. The way they call me "girl" makes my face hurt in the best possible way. I fell in love with you again, when you walked by in sunglasses with your hood up smoking a cigarette. I fall in love with you again every night with the idea of your chest hair under my fingers. Maybe you'll feel the same way again. But it's time to let you go more, right now. Right now.