#wordsiwrite

[samaraiah]

I think it's about time we all make a conscious effort to stop being entitled. We can have the shittiest life and still act entitled. Thinking the world/universe is against you is a form of entitlement. Let's stop worrying about what went wrong today, last week and in our childhood. Stop being resentful that we aren't where we want to be/thought we would be. Let's get out of our own way. Choose the right problems to solve. Happiness will come. We just have to stop leaning against the door, holding it closed, bemoaning the fact that we can't find happiness. #speakyourhardtruths #truth #positivechange #mywords #wordsiwrite #write #tuesday #StandUp #entitled #now #bekind #begood #letitbe #Repost @striveforpositivechange (@get_repost) ・・・ 💡✊❤️ https://www.instagram.com/p/BpAi_pVHUxw/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=pwi591vptrq4

[theamazingmio]

Hey Internet, Let's Talk.

Hey internet, how are you? Doing well? School going fine? I'm okay.

Yeah just "okay."

What? Can't I save my "great"s and "good"s for when I mean it? Just 'cause I didn't say "good" doesn't mean I'm not doing well. ...Okay. Fine. You caught me. I'm not doing as well as I'd like. Nothing's necessarily wrong...I'm just...confused. I've got a lot on my mind and it's bothering me. I'm having a bit of an identity crisis, which isn't great for my age and-Okay, I take that back. It's not an identity crisis...more of a...generic wonderment over how I conduct my life.

Yeah? Well maybe you just weren't listening well enough!...Okay you want me to talk about it? Let's talk about it.

So I've grown up raised with the idea of what kind of guy I should be when concerning girls. "Be honest." "Be funny." "Be caring." "Be sensitive." "Be strong." "Make her feel comfortable." "Listen well." "Remember the little things." "If you think she's special, let her know." "Be yourself." "Be respectful." "Pick up on the hints." "Listen to what she's saying underneath, because they don't always want to be direct." "Take responsibility for things." And that's just off the top of my head. Yeah, I thought so too. But you see here's the thing, Over the entirety of the young life I've been living, I like to think I've followed that model to the best of my ability. Yeah I've screwed up a bit along the way, but let's just remind myself that I'm human, I make mistakes.  The problem is...I don't think that's what girls are looking for in a boyfriend-like-character. I used to. I used to believe in that more than I believed oxygen keeps me alive. [Maybe it's a poison that takes about 70-80 years to kill us? I don't know.] I used to think that those ideals were important. That they were the MOST important and essential part of being a good boyfriend-esque character. Then why am I so lonely? Why does it just-so-happen that time and time again for the past however many years, feel like I'm FINALLY connecting with someone that appreciates those ideas and beliefs about how guys should treat girls...and she just drops off the face of the planet. Why is it that when I get to know her, and she gets to know me that this keeps happening? 

Yeah, I don't know either. So I started to think about it and you know what? Maybe it's 'cause that's not what girls want in a boyfriend. If experience and life has taught me anything, it's that it's not. Girls don't want the "good" guys because the "good" guys will always be there. They're consistent. They're nice. They're reliable and...in a lot of aspects they're boring.

Yeah, boring. Here's what my current belief on this idea that's been beaten to death generation after generation. Girls like guys that aren't good because...girls want to be the special. Girls want to meet a bad guy and be the one that's worth making him change his ways and be good. And that's totally reasonable. I mean, if a guy is wholehearted and good to everyone...how can a guy like that make her feel special? It'd be exceedingly difficult. But if a guy is a villain, one capable of outright douchebaggery...and he becomes a nice guy for her? Well that's all kinds of respectable self-sacrifice.

Isn't it obvious? If I don't want to be lonely, if I don't want to have the SAME thing happen time and time again for the rest of my life...if I want to put and end to the sorry excuse-for-a-love-life-I've-been-having, I need to give up the morality, give up the ideals I've grown up with, and give up all that I believe to be "good." And become that-which-I-hate. The overconfident tool, the douche-bag of a man, the unrespectable selfish pig that everyone despises...all so I can search for the girl that makes giving up that life worth it. Yeah...it would be easier if I could find someone that can love me for who I am. But let's be realistic, what are the odds of that happening?

[theamazingmio]

So someone took my 3DS earlier this week...

Dear person-that-currently-has-my-3DS, I hope you were that hopeful little kid in 3rd grade who always asked his friends to play their Gameboy to battle some wild Pokemon on their game at recess. I hope you were the kid that had it on his Christmas wish-list for three years...Only to tear open the gift wrap every year to see another generic action figure, and hear the same, "Sorry honey, it was too expensive" from his teary-eyed, honest and apologetic mom. 'Cause that's the only way I'd be convinced you're having more fun with it than I did. I can only assume you picked it up because your childhood was not as fantastically enjoyable as mine, deprived of the same joys I had with all the Nintendo Classics that got me through ages 6-22. It's a fantastic system, I downloaded a lot of really great games on it for you. From the gameboy games, Super Mario Land 2 is weird, but it was my FAVORITE in 1st grade. Mario eats carrots and turns into a rabbit,it's weird, but it's fun. You should definitely play Zelda: Minish Cap, it was one of my favorites in Jr. High too. I hope you start new save files for Mario & Luigi and Fire Emblem. The current save files are really close to the end and I don't want you to miss out on the amazing experiences I've had playing them up to that point.  I only ask that you don't start over Pokemon Black 2. There's a lot of Pokemon on that game-card I've raised with me since I was 13 years old and they've been fantastic. You can go far with them. I hope you take them to explore Unova more than I ever did, discover places and Pokemon you never thought you'd meet because you've never had that childhood I had.  But now you do. Now you have the system that contains a lot of my childhood. You have many years of what made me happy growing up, and I hope it can do the same for you. Sorry you don't have a charger for it, I don't typically bring that around with me. I can guarantee you that it's worth the $13.99 investment. Also, I hope you're not a greedy spoiled kid, but a good kid that for one reason or another, was never able to get a hold of the games he always wanted. I'm glad I can pass my good memories on to you. Enjoy them, think of them as an anonymous gift from me to you. Maybe you finding it was a sign that you had to grow up too soon, and I should grow up now.  Have fun playing in the worlds I got to explore over the past 16 years. They're tons of fun [even though Fire Emblem can seem impossible, don't give up!], just press start and enjoy. -Emilio.

[theamazingmio]

"I kissed her."

That in itself has a lot of possible context. Given different tones at which to read it can tell many different stories.

"He finally admitted it to her, "I kissed her." And therein begins a long, complicated, hurtful discussion." "He comes back alone and sits on the couch silently, "So how'd it go?" They asked. He smiles, "I kissed her." Cheering all around." "Returning from what seemed like an eternity...the only constant friend asks,"So what happened?" A moment passes..."I kissed her." Just like the event in question, the moment seemed to last forever, "So...what does it mean?"  Another eternity..."I don't know."

I'm feeling a lot of that whole everything right now. There was a party, there were drinks, I got a little carried away, and...and there was this girl. One of the most amazing girls I have ever met. Not 'cause of how pretty she is, not 'cause of how she gives literally the best hugs. But because of this natural charm she has. Because of that feeling I get just by being around her. She's amazing, but this post is only slightly about her.  [Like the direct object in a sentence, she's not what it's about, but she's integral to the sentence. story.] But anyway...So I went to this party with a goal: My goal was to be the most honest guy in the planet and ask her out on a proper date. One where I could pick her up, awkwardly wait for her at her front door, and take her for a memorable night where we would do something fun, something stupid and something memorable. It would be amazing and it would end with me dropping her off leaving her with that honest feeling that...she feels special. And I'm pretty sure I said that. Or something to that effect. But there was this whole separate event of drama that happened where she was involved and I didn't get an answer... I don't really know where else to go with this post...I think I just really needed to get some feelings out. I'm not sure if I regret it, but I'm sure I meant it.

[theamazingmio]

"I don't want you to be sad."

Given that I have these depressing break downs [Could be an understatement, an overstatement, or perfectly accurate, feelings are up for personal interpretation.] every once in a while, I go to my friends for help. and...I hear this a lot.  "I don't want you to be sad." "You have so much to be happy about." "Don't think about it. It's dumb anyway and you're better than them." Eventually it gets really taxing. A lot of times, I know this.

I know you care about me.

I know you want me to be happy.

I know on a grand scheme of things...my life is pretty great. Then why am I so bummed? Why do I still have these things...these issues in my life is simultaneously eating away at who I could be and feeding my already large insecurities. It's because while a lot of my life is okay, I feel that one aspect of it all will forever eat me. That lingering feeling that I've never really been loved. Like okay, let's be real. I mean like romantically involved with anyone. I'm sure my friends, my family, my parents, my brother, I'm sure they all love and care about me a lot. But that's a different kind of love. That's not the kind of love where someone wanted to hang out alone with me and not be cool with anyone joining us. That's not the kind of love where we set aside time for each other...and only each other. That's not the kind of love where someone looked at everyone else in their life, then looked at me and said, "Him. He's special. I like him and want something special with him and him alone."

And I don't think I'd ever be really happy until I at least get a chance to prove it. Like, It's one thing to have a relationship then screw it up...that's a very precise kind of guilt...and it's another thing to never be loved. To never be told that you're special in 'that way.'  To never have someone squeeze your hand to tell you you're appreciated. To never be introduced as a boyfriend. I'm having another one of these "haunts" right now, today. And it sucks. I hate how I feel because it's a mixture of the feelings described above and a lot of, "Oh boo hoo you can't get a girlfriend, get over it." Completely disqualifying my feelings. I have all these emotions filling up three quarters of my mind while the last quarter feels like I'm a little bitch for worrying about it. I don't think I'm socially allowed to feel this bad about something but I do. And I hate it. I want to be happy.

[theamazingmio]

During Lunch with a Close Friend

[After laughing at a particular inside joke.]

Her: So how are you doing since...you know?

Me: I think I'm doing pretty well. Staying positive, always smiling. You know me.

Her: Are you sure?

Me: What? Yeah I'm sure.

Her: Positive?

Me: Why? How do YOU think I'm doing?

Her: It's seems like you just...gave up.

Me: Gave up on what?

Her: Like...everything.

Me: ...This is why it sucks when people know me really well.

Her: You'll get past it.

Me: How can you know that?

Her: I'll make sure of it.

And her smile at that moment is the most trust I've felt in a long time.

[theamazingmio]

So

Things are kinda looking up.

Had a pretty genuine smile the other day.

That was cool.

"Hi, I'm Emilio, and I think I'm finally gaining some self-confidence."