Facing confluence is inevitable. But before you try to deal with a conflict, you first need to stop and ask yourself: “Is the conflict ‘hot’ or ‘cold’?”
To help you answer this question, consider these 2 definitions:
‘Hot’ conflict: a conflict when 1 or more parties are highly emotional and doing 1 or more of the following: speaking loudly or shouting; being physically aggressive, wild, or threatening; using language that is incendiary; appearing out of control and potentially explosive.
‘Cold’ conflict: a conflict when 1 or more parties seem to be suppressing emotions or are appearing ‘unemotional’ and are doing 1 or more of the following: muttering under their breath or pursing their lips; being physically withdrawn or controlled; turning away or otherwise deflecting contact; remaining silent or speaking in a tone that is passively aggressive; appearing shut down or something frozen.
Neither of these types of conflict is constructive. Conflicts that are warm- that is, already open for discussion but not inflamed with intense hostility- are far more likely to be productive. So if you’re dealing with a cold conflict, you need skills to ‘warm it up.’ If you’re dealing with a hot conflict, you need skills to ‘cool it down.’
Conflict resolution, like cooking, works best at the optimal temperature. If too hot, your conflict may explode, burning your deal or causing your relationship to flame out in anger or overt hostility. Too cold, and your deal may be frozen, not moving forward at all, or the relationship may become icy with unexpressed emotions and withheld concerns. As a leader, you want to bring conflict into a temperature zone where it can become useful and productive.
-“Emotional Intelligence: Dealing with Difficult People” by Harvard Business Review
