Lately, I've been really embracing my size and it's the greatest feeling (despite all the idiotic sadness i've been feeling over dumb things)
I remember when I was younger I didn't really even know that I was fat. I just thought i was just bigger than the other girls, so I wore a bigger school uniform? Or "whatever I get picked last in gym I suck at sports stuff anyway. Or "okay everyone is laughing when I sit in the desk and it makes a noise..." Oh.
Hi middle school/ freshman year of high school.
I was so ashamed and sad for such a long time.
I was verbally harassed at school and online. I would get ganged up on by people who were friends of the people being dicks to me, people I didn't even know. I was so ugly and hideous that no boy would ever want me and all those people were right maybe I should just die I don't have friends I really don't, people talk to me but they don't really want to.
So I tried to kill myself. Twice.
I tried to drown myself. And I tried to asphyxiate myself.
I thought about hanging myself but made a really dark awful joke about how I probably would break the rope.
I think about it now and I'm just so mad at past-me. I wanna yell at her and say things like "WHO DOES THAT? JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE FAT AND DON'T HAVE TOO MANY FRIENDS AND MAYBE NO BOY WILL LIKE YOU LIKE YOU WANT HIM TO, YOU WANNA DIE? ARE YOU THAT DUMB TO DO SOMETHING SO PERMANENT SO YOUNG WHEN YOU HAVEN'T REALLY LIVED? FUCKING ASSHAT"
Then I just wanna hug her and say, "It's gonna be fine, you're gonna be fine. You're gonna meet people who are gonna love you, I promise you'll find them, you will. It'll be fine, stop crying yourself to sleep over something so trivial, please stop crying. You're gonna be okay."
I've grown a lot from then, Sophomore year I lost a little weight, enough to show that I have ~curves~ I guess. And now I'm wearing clothes that fit me right and doing things that'll show off my assets or whatever the fuck and working out a little to stay semi-healthy. As for friends, I have a few good friends and a best friend who I'd do anything for and I know she'd do the same for me. There are still days when I don't like my body or what it looks like in certain things but no where near how it used to be and I'm super happy about it~