#wren pratar

[sombra--colomar]

TO HONOR 13 YEAR OLD ME, THIS SHALL BE MY ART TEACHER FOR THE DAY

[sombra--colomar]

I know no one is going to read this, because it’s just a long chunk of text about a person they don’t know, who blabbers about her life. But... You know what? I am proud of myself. Reason being that when I was 13, I was awfully depressed and wanted to take my own life. I got close a couple times, but changed my mind and didn’t do it. I told myself that because it was almost my birthday, I told myself “I am going to live until I turn 14, because I don’t want to miss that. But probably not 15.” These words are still constantly in the back of my head.  There is a long story to this, but I am going to make it short enough for people to read, if they want to. My parents would always fight about everything. My dad wasn’t there for me when I grew up. When my brothers got good at sports, that’s when he cared about them. But for me, he never showed that he was proud of me, or that he was happy with anything I did. He always yelled at me over the smallest things. While talking about and praising my brothers.  I was bullied in school, from 1st to 9th grade. All by the same people trough the whole thing. I have had footballs thrown in my face, I have been pinned up against a brick wall and punched until I cried, I had a teacher yell at me, and when I yelled back, she put her hand over my mouth and shoved my head back against the heater, while she told me to shut up. Someone I thought was one of my best friends would always tease me, sometimes she would bite, scratch and hit me, simply because she could.  This all happened during my first 5 years of school. Among many other things. And it carried on at a milder level between 6th to 9th grade. Sure, I made a few friends along the way, some which are still very close and important to me. And who I love very dearly, even if we don’t talk every day.  In fact, they were my safe place. If I didn’t have them, I know for a fact that this would have been much worse, and a lot harder to go trough.  There was no calm at home, as people would yell at me for everything, my brothers and their friends would always yell at me for nothing.  And people found it strange that I had agression issues, that I would throw tantrums over the smallest things, and that I had moodswings out of this world. And with that... came the suicidal thoughts, as mentioned above. I didn’t want to do it anymore. I just wanted to be able to be happy, and not have to deal with being bullied and yelled at over everything I did. I think the time it really hit me how bad things were, and that it’s terrifying how easy it would have been, was when I ran way from school. I don’t remember what had happened that time, as I ran away from school quite often due to mental breakdowns. This particular time, I got to these train tracks, with a wire fence that I could easily climb over. I decided that I was just going to do it right there. I remember walking up to the fence, put my foot in one of the loops, but something made me change my mind. I stood there for a couple seconds, before backing off again. I started walking back to school again, and just as I got trough the tunnel, the train came. Less than  minute after I had nearly climbed over the fence. Back then, I thought that perhaps it was a sign. As if the train waited for me to get to safety. It probably sounds silly now. And I agree, it does. But the thing is... I didn’t realize how close I was to dying that day. If I had climbed over the fence, then changed my mind, I wouldn’t have made it back over again in time.  So maybe it was that way? That I wasn’t supposed to die that day, and that I was meant to keep on fighting?  With a lot of willpower, I managed to get trough.  I had a couple abusive relationships along the way, where the mental abuse I had already grown up with carried on with people who claimed they loved me. Every day, I wanted to end my life. I got into self harming, which I hid from everyone as well as I could. I would cry myself to sleep almost every night where I was allowed to sleep, but I spent many days going to school without sleep at all, which lead to me falling alseep during class. Though, for the most part, I didn’t go at all. I just didn’t have the energy to deal with people. Sure, I graduated, but I failed miserably with my grades, because I didn’t have the energy to do what I was supposed to. The list of things just goes on. What kept me from quitting was the friends I made from 10th to 13th grade. Some of them are also among the best people I have ever met, and I don’t know what I would have done without them.  Even the friends I met online at this point were a huge reason to why I was able to carry on. They let me talk if I needed someone, they kept telling me that everything was okay. And  if I hadn’t met all of these wonderful people, I don’t know where I would be now. And let’s not forget the people I have met at conventions. Even though we just started as ‘cosplay buddies’ or something like that, they have also played a huge part in my life, and I love all my friends just as dearly. You all know who you are, and I owe you so much.  My abusive relationships came and went. But not without leaving mental scars that are still with me today. One of those people were even physically abusive, threatened to hurt me if I didn’t do what she wanted me to do, and when I got sad, I was yelled at for that too.  But then I met a man who has come to be one of the most important people in my life. After my previous ex broke up with me, me and him started talking more and more. And we got closer to each other. Even though we live far apart, and don’t see each other very often, I am still happy and proud to call him my boyfriend. He puts up with all my mental problems. He helps me when I need someone to talk to. He protects me if I need it, and he makes sure that I am happy and safe. Even though my problems are taking a toll on him, because I have my mental breakdowns over nowhing, because I expect to get yelled at, he is still there for me.. My brothers are now my friends. My mother is too. My father could do better, but he tries now. I have gotten a wonderful little sister along the way, she is now 6 years old, and she means so much to me. Even though my life isn’t perfect, It’s a lot better than where I came from. I still cry a lot, I still have social anxiety, and I still suffer from depression that I have been refused medical treatment for. But I am still here. I can smile, I can be happy, even if it’s difficult at times. I turn 24 later this month. It’s now 10 years since I said I would make it to 14, but probably not 15. I made it to 15. Way past it even. I am still here, and I am still fighting. I have my battle scars, but I am still standing. That is why I am proud of myself. And even though I did so much stupid stuff as a kid, and I would love to tell myself how much of a moron I was, I think that if I could go back in time and talk to younger me, I want to tell her that she is strong. That she will be okay, and that she is going to pull trough even the hardest of times. I want her to know, that even if it’s not easy, she will grow up to be a strong woman who is happy to be here. A woman who makes people smile, a woman who is loved, and a woman who, despite doubting herself here and there, can still do better than she wants to believe. So...thank you, younger me, for not climbing over that fence that day.  Thank you for not giving up. I am so proud of you. I am proud of us. <3 

[sombra--colomar]

One of my favorite artists is complimenting my art and telling me how much she likes it, and wants to commission me at some point Oh my god I’m legit crying Aaaaaaaah ;A;

[sombra--colomar]

I have been living alone temporarily for a few days, and I already don’t know how to deal.Only 6 more days tho, then I’m going back home. It’s like I went full moron and forgot how to get food.  I am not ready to be an adult yet, send help.

[sombra--colomar]

If we could just like... Not judge an entire group of mostly innocent people because certain people in it are awful, that’d be fantastic. 

[sombra--colomar]

SURVIVED THE DENTIST BTW But because the dentist clinic here in town sucks, I had to go to the emergency clinic in Uppsala. One of the previously infected teeth is infected again, because I have gone too long without getting an appointment to fix them properly. So, back on medication and painkillers I go.

[sombra--colomar]

Hooo boy I love my teeth SO MUCH I’m going to have to go in for an emergency fix on them tomorrow morning, because the teeth that were previously infected haven’t been properly repaired yet, and I don’t have an appointment until August. Fuck that I’m not going trough that bullshit again this close to a con. I’m probs going to get the rudest dentist ever, but I don’t even care. It’s time to brave up and get this fixed.

[sombra--colomar]

Totally did not just buy a tube of Girlie glue to try to use it for cosplay.