Death
I could lose my life at literally any second. I could be feeling fine and a wave of uneasiness washes over me and I could go unconscious and never wake up. This could be in public, at a coffeeshop with a friend as I sit doing homework. In the middle of people watching at the library. While driving through a busy intersection. I could die at any fucking moment.
My mom died 19 years ago tomorrow. I was 3. She was gone in an instant. I was the only person with her. I have no recollection other than that her friend who we were living with at the time left for work. She had made some soup that was still on the stove and she made sure to tell us to be careful that it was hot. That stuck with me, because when my mother took her first few bites and started getting a nose bleed... I was concerned that she had eaten the soup too early.
I miss her.
I can't remember if I truly understood what was happening at the time. I know I was frustrated with her for getting blood on my fold out Dora the Explorer couch, but that is very much something that someone who isn't processing death would be concerned with. But once I moved in, I told my grandma who I would be living with for the next 19 years "you're my mommy now." After it was all said and done, I knew my mom would not be coming back for me and not by her own choice.
My friend of 16 years has cancer. She fears death every time she goes in for a surgery. She's scared that she'll pass mid-surgery. That her life will be taken from her in a blink of an eye.
Everyone dies. And I'm just trying to figure out what I want to do with my life until then.
