#writing argh

[dilettantefeminist]

Oh no no no no I have written 3000 words of modern AU celrond. This is bad.

[dilettantefeminist]

Past me: This is going to be a short, slice of life chapter.

Present me: What this chapter needs is orphans in peril and only one horse. It's in the outline!

Future me, editing 6000 words: It was in the outline? Really?

[annekewrites]

Warnings and tags and access, oh my!

Just because this seems to be a thing, lately - some of my own random thoughts.

I am an inconsistent tagger on Tumblr.  Blame the ADHD, I guess? 

In particular, because of all the different systems people use, I see sets of tags like “#thing, #tw thing, #thing tw, #tw: thing, #thing for ts,” and probably variants I’m forgetting.  And that’s...not going to happen, sorry.

I was better about it on Livejournal because the way tags worked seemed to work more easily with the way I write, AND because it was easier to go back and put a tag on later if I realized I needed one.

I’m also better-yet-worse about it on my fanfiction sideblog in that there are certain things I tag consistently but only within that blog, like nicknames for pairings that I use because I don’t especially want the names themselves searchable.

I get the concept that “literally anything can be a trigger” and I try to remember to tag a few things that are more-obscure triggers to specific readers who have specifically asked, and I’m probably better about that than I am about the general “everyone knows” ones.  I think overall I like better the idea of “content note” so that it’s something that can be found by those who want to find, and avoided (temporarily or forever) by those who want to avoid.

Because that is my own experience with triggering things - ADHD-related hyperfocus + certain topics I have a bad personal history with can get ugly.  So...I don’t have a universal need to avoid those topics but when I know my brain is looking for something to latch on to, I try to avoid the things that latching on to will Cause Problems (insomnia/nightmares/being irritable or completely unable to concentrate on things like work the next day) and then I can come back when I know it’ll be less of a problem for me.

(Also, you know what is super not fun?  When the fic you are writing is causing that kind of trigger-loop.  Which happens to me a lot.  Fucking muse.)

[annekewrites]

Blah

That moment when you just feel like everyone in multiple places where you spend time just...wishes you’d shut up and go away, because you’re annoying.

Even though you know there are people who want you around.

(Yeah, this is how I get about my writing all the time.  Because...in all the different places where I’ve hung out and done creative work, I tend to have devoted yet rather small followings.  And, like, I so completely should not be complaining about this AT ALL, but sometimes among my small following are people I think of as much better writers and that I know are at the very least much more popular writers.  And it hurts when something made sense in my head and the words never did manage to capture it well enough to do it justice.)

[annekewrites]

State of the Fics

(HockeyRPF stuff mostly, not mentioning names here because no need, also some of what I’m trying to work my way through is how do I need to warn for what, so if any of the above is not your jam, might want to avoid the readmore.)

What’s in progress right now, for some definitions of in progress: two long fics, four probably-short fics.

Long Fic #1: I finally got That Scene I Didn’t Want To Write written (still not sure how to warn for “dubcon/un-negotiated kink/unexpectedly rough sex because someone is attempting to self-harm by proxy” but at least said scene is done), which means I have 5 of 10 parts complete, since it’s still following its basic outline.  What needs to go in 6 and how to write it is giving me trouble, still.  (I have enough trouble writing sex, which was part of the problem with That Scene, and apparently now I need to write Skype sex, why did I think this was a good idea WHY.)  7 is mostly done, it’s getting the bridge between 5 and 7 that is hard.  And the last three parts...are going to be a bit of a challenge because I realized this fic is not actually about what I thought it was about, entirely.  And now I need to reconcile that.

Long Fic #2: This is probably going to be my Big Bang fic.  I have a lot of small snippets for it written.  Originally it was non-linear format, but I think I may turn it back into a more linear style.  It’s sort of like - I’m cutting out quilt squares and eventually I will know where they all go.   Writing #1 and doing the world-building for it is helping me with this one.  This one seems to have picked up an overall theme: just because someone isn’t The One and you aren’t soulbonded, doesn’t mean the that relationship you once had wasn’t meaningful or that the (best-friends-no-longer-romantic) love you still have for each other isn’t important.

Short Fic #1: On  indefinite hiatus because of the bad real-world publicity surrounding one of the main characters.  I...can’t with it right now, which is sad but what I was writing was a little too close to the truth of what came out and I can’t Go There right now.  (Yes, this was the one inspired by a certain Great Big Sea song...)

Short Fic #2: Ball of smutty fluff around kink negotiation.  Requires research.  Not The Sort Of Thing I Write, except this time it is.

Short Fic #3: Ball of endlessly sad fluff, like multiple boxes of Kleenex. 

Short Fic #4: Different fandom for rarepair exchange.  I have a short outline but I don’t know if I’m going to stick with it or go a different direction.

Ask me about these if you like?

[annekewrites]

Argh writing, again

Writing my two fluffy college-AU fics for bracket debt was FUN.

The longfics are difficult and not fun right now because they contain too much despair and people doing problematic things around power imbalances that they are unable or unwilling to acknowledge exist:

- in fic #1, it’s a money/fame/social status imbalance that the more-famous person is stubbornly refusing to acknowledge exists at all but the less-famous person is never not conscious of.

- in fic #2, there is “identified patient” stuff going on, complete with “I understand you are dealing with a brain injury and it is fucking with your ESP-type powers, that doesn’t mean you get to ignore boundaries and limits that I set, damn it.”

These are complex and difficult things that make up stories I desperately want to tell.  But wanting to tell the complex and difficult story is very fucking different, at least today, from wanting to write the words.

[annekewrites]

I have this post I keep writing and deleting. 

I have fic pieces I keep writing and deleting.

Yeah, it’s one of THOSE days.

[annekewrites]

That frustrating moment when...

...you’re trying to write A Thing, but you have just been exposed to too much amazing creative work and you are just not worthy and what you are creating is entirely shit once it’s written down and why when your story has ten parts can you write parts 1,2,7,8,9 and not the connectors?

ARGH.