There was one time back when you were young, you were maybe 10 at the time. You didn't quite understand it in the past. You sat in the car with your parents and sister, driving home from the school. It was just a little after Recognition, and your hand mindlessly fidgeted with your seatbelt. You didn't know why you felt nervous. ''Ravi, darling, I heard you got commended.'' You froze. Your sister wasn't awake to respond, having fallen asleep somewhere in the middle of the long car ride. And even if it wasn't you that your mother was talking to, ''Yeah, uh, Vivi got praised in the ceremony.'' You replied in her stead, and for some selfish reason it made you feel better to take her place for even a moment. Even from the back seat, you could already see your mother's proud smile. ''She's really amazing, isn't she? Your sister.'' You swallowed a lump in your throat. ''Yeah...'' ''You should try and be more like her, sweetheart.'' ''I try my best, mom...'' ''You may think that, but I know you can do better. Just try harder next time, okay?'' You didn't respond, and your mother didn't say anything more. You could feel your father listening in, but he didn't say anything either, focusing on the road instead. And the whole car drive after that conversation, you stared in your sister's direction. At the certificates she had poking out from her unzipped bag. At the medals hanging from her neck. You never felt a weight like that on your own neck. You wondered if it'd felt heavy or light, if you could maybe try harder and get one, like how your sister had several. If your sister was able to get something like that, then you can too, right? Doubt crossed your eyes. Your gaze remained on her for the rest of the ride. You got the one thing that I want.
Her demeanor slowly changed as you two grew up. It was clear you two were getting more distant from each other, so different from how you two were when you were younger, when you stuck together like blades of scissors. But that's just what happens to siblings. They may be close when they were young but as they grow, they find things to do with their lives. It doesn't mean they don't care for each other. Your grip tightened, eyes staring down at the test paper you got. 60/100. The class had already ended. Your classmates were already flooding out the doors, and yet you hadn't moved an inch from your seat. You didn't look up when your classmates flashed you curious glances. ''Edel, are you alright?'' Her voice snapped you out of your thoughts. Your sister stood by your side, leaning against your table with her hand on your desk. She just looked at you with a raised brow, and instinctively you try to hide your test paper. It was too late, and she unfortunately saw it. Her expression didn't change much and neither did her stance. And for a moment it was silent. Ravi sighed and pushed herself back on her feet. She placed her hand on her hip, eyes mirroring her disappointment. ''You should study harder, Ed.'' You swallowed and tried to find the words to tell her that you did try to study harder, stayed up all night trying to study for the test even when you found yourself losing focus on your notes.
But you couldn't find your voice. It's like you're out to get me. You didn't have to, because once your sister already left your table when you looked up. She was standing near the doorway. ''Sit with me at lunch this time. Remember, don't be like Carson and forget to eat just to study.''
You nod. At the mention of your classmate, your eyes subconsciously wandered to where he was sitting previously. The sight makes you feel worse. You never understood Carson. He gets better grades than you, nigh perfect. So why does he stay behind to study? Why does he try harder on every project? Shouldn't it be you doing that? You need to be better. Your eyes snapped back to the now empty doorway, the few seconds that passed before you went and quietly tucked your paper back in your folders felt like eternity. You should eat lunch, like she said. Though you tried not to think, you found your thoughts drifting towards her as you walked. Did I ever tell you I'm not doing well?
