Desire: The Thing I Might Die For
After Touching You, I Think of Narcissus Drowning
How desire is a thing I might die for. It really is to me. I want to go and do all these brave things. I wish to change the world. The desires I have though might be the end of me. A leaf slowly flutters into the pool of water and it makes ripples in the water. If I go out and seek my desires would I cause things like that? Would I change things that much? Even if the leaf changes its world for only a moment isn’t that enough to start something larger?
I hear the crunching sound of gravel and know that someone is coming. Their steps and desire to be here shake the ground and bring subtle disruption to the earth that they cannot see. They turn the corner and the sunlight acts as a spotlight on them.
“Carissa, why are you out here?”
“I needed alone time to think,” I say, trying to get Carter to leave me alone.
“Oh, uh, is it okay if I join you?”
“I suppose. Why are you here?”
“I like this place, it's calm,” She pauses, “My mom used to bring me here and let me play in the water. So, it has memories that I cherish.” Her voice is dripping with sadness.
“Uh, I’m sorry I’ll leave,” I say.
“No, sit down, stay with me. It’s better that I have someone here with me instead of being alone.” She assures me.
“Ok,” and then we sit in silence.
“Do you ever want to change the world?” I ask, breaking the silence.
“Sometimes our world is so cruel. But I have to ask what can I do? There’s not a lot I can do. I’m too broken to be able to help the worse off of our world.” She sighs.
“Look, I’ll offer whatever solace to the worse off. That’s how I see it. You should do whatever you can to help.”
She sighs and I sigh. Maybe the trees sigh too as the wind rushes past their leaves. She picks up a pebble and throws it into the stream. It makes the ripples all pebbles make. I pick up one of my own and with the flick of my wrist, it skips over the water as though it’s an illusion.
“Wow you’re terrible at that,” She laughs out.
“I guess. If pebbles can make ripples in the world that is this stream then can’t we do the same? It would change lives, think about it. Watch this.” I say throwing a pebble downstream.
“You’re right but I’d be content living in the forest with my best friend,” She smiles.
“I guess that would be fun,” I say sardonically.
“You brush all of my ideas off. But really wouldn’t it be fun? Living in a cottage just us and living off the land. It’s my dream. Yours might be large, like changing the world but, mine is to just live happily.” I look at her and the stars shine in her dark blue eyes.
“Let’s stargaze tonight,”
“Where would we do that?”
“In the field just east of here,” I say with a smirk on my face.
“I don’t know where that is,”
“I’ll take you there, you’ll love it,” I say smiling.
“Hey! Wait up, don't run.” She says taking off after me.
Soon we’re running through a field of wildflowers and we both pick up wild violets to exchange them. I lean forward smelling mine and she yanks the flower away from me.
“Hey! Give me that—” My breath gets taken away as she pulls me in close.
I look into her eyes and see the night sky that I want to watch tonight. The desire to always be able to look into her eyes is what will kill me.
I walk through the woods to the stream. Carter’s already sitting there with her a flower in her hands picking it apart.
“What’d the poor flower do to you?” I joke.
“Nothing just needed something to do with my hands. Now, help me up,” She says, as I stick my hand out and pull her up.
The sun has set and darkness is everywhere. We feel around for trees and the path to get to the field. Tallgrass tickles my feet through my sandals. We walk to the shorter blades of grass so we can sit down.
“Look there’s the Andromeda constellation. Do you know the story?” I ask.
“No,”
“She was being sacrificed by her kingdom and Perseus flew by on Pegasus and fell in love with her,”
“That’s actually one of the nicer stories you’ve told me,” She says laughing.
I point out more constellations. The night sky can’t even compare to her eyes which I’d rather stare at than the night sky. I turn to her and watch her eyes reflect the sky.
“Where are you going?”
“To get more violets,” I say walking away.
I pick two violets and start heading back. When I get close enough she yells, “What’s up with you and violets?”
“They represent something,” I state.
“What is that?”
“Sapphics,”
Everything I say has some meaning and it’s my subtle way of being me without them knowing.
She looks at me and stands up to push the hair out of my face and takes a flower out of my hand and sits back down. I sit down next to her and sigh.
“If you worship the sun god how come you stargaze with me so much?”
“I’m your friend, we do things together. We can’t go sun gazing so why not stargaze,” She says smiling.
“You’re right. You’re shivering, are you cold?” I ask concerned.
It’s only the first week of spring and it’s still quite chilly at night. I put my shawl over her shoulders and we move closer for better warmth. I look back up at the twinkling stars and remember why I love them so much. They tell the stories of our world. I want a constellation to tell my story too.
