ᴅᴇᴀʟᴇʀ ꜰᴛ ᴇʀᴇɴ. ʏ.
✎𓂃 𐔌 . ⋮ ꜰɪᴄ ꜱᴜᴍᴍᴀʀʏ .ᐟ ֹ ₊ ꒱ in which the same thing that eren had been fighting consumed his body once again.
✎𓂃 𐔌 . ⋮ ꜰɪᴄ ᴄᴏɴᴛᴇɴᴛ .ᐟ ֹ ₊ ꒱ substance abuse!eren yeager x black!fem!reader, heavy drug use, swearing, exes, hurt NO FUCKING comfort, suggestive talk, mentions of poor mental health, plug!connie mention, relapse, mentions of self harm + attempts, depression + depressed!eren, mndi 18+!
✎𓂃 𐔌 . ⋮ ᴛᴀɢʟɪꜱᴛ .ᐟ ֹ ₊ ꒱ STILL OPEN! @yassifie-d, @chosoprettygirl, @mistakenlovers, @ctrlanthro, @fcklosers @thehottestmess1 @pachinkoco @sunkissedveilon @lvc-lv @quietsellswordarcade
✎𓂃 𐔌 . ⋮ ᴀᴜᴛʜᴏʀꜱ ɴᴏᴛᴇ .ᐟ ֹ ₊ ꒱ everyone say thank u to lana del rey for this song and thank u to me for having a picture of dadaman on my wall that i turned over and saw while i was crying last night 😭, lmk if i should make this a series 🤔🤔
three days, three fucking days from the last time you seen your boyfriend, location off with the last place he had it on was your shared apartment, his car parked in the lot near the apartments untouched.
your hands shake in your lap while you sit on the couch, erens name covering the call list with harsh red text underneath it that screams the same thing over and over.
he won’t answer, he won’t text, and your stomach churns.
nothing, radio silence without a clue, a word, not a single reason on why he shouldn’t be here, the apartment barely feels warm with this worry in your body.
your eyes hurt so much from crying, pear fear draining in salt streams down your cheeks while mikasa comforts you, pulling you into her shoulders while she rubs your back.
you called each and every single one of y’all’s shared friends who gave you the same response.
‘nope, i haven’t seen him’ — armin
‘uhh… he hasn’t been around my house lately’ —reiner
‘why would he even show up here?’ — jean
‘nooope! i barely seen him at all lately’ — sasha
they now sit in your living room, checking mission person sites, armin and renier chose to ride by hospitals to see if ended up their, driving past places he frequented, while everyone else sits to comfort you, their part of the plan falling short as they don’t find him.
your quiet sobs fill the living room, shaking from each little hic that filled your throat as you can only think of the endless possibilities.
the room is dead silent otherwise, sasha even stopped playing the rapper she had in her hand from ‘stress eating’.
“he’s probably just needs space, y/n,” mikasa rubs your back firmer, as she looks around at the group for them to try and help with the positivity that the room lacked.
“he’s fineee!” sasha added, she turned towards annie who gave a sentimental nod, then she turned to jean.
the room fell flat, jean running his hands down his face while he sunk into the chair across from the couch, “look.. i know no one wants to admit it but, what if he… y’know—“ he paused, motioning a snorting a line of crack.
your sobbing chills to a hault, head springing out of the black inky hair that hid your puffy face to glare at the dirty brunette across from you.
“don’t you even mention that, he’s fucking clean,” you seethed, while he looked at the floor, no one else daring to speak up.
eren only struggled with substance abuse when the world got to loud for him, when the green in his eyes turned to dark storm of grey, days where he wouldn’t get out of bed nor eat a meal, only movement he would make was to roll over to find a substance, whatever turned off the turmoil in his sick brain.
wether that be a bottle, maybe to call connie to beg him to supply him a nicely rolled blunt, or for something heavier on days where the pounding need to fuse a razor to his neck.
his depression wasn’t light, not seasonal that came when it got darker quicker, not the kind that happened because a situation was bad, a sticky black ink that crawled out onto his skin, controlled his own thoughts and emotions, the kind that he looked numb when unfocused, the kind where you had to drag him out of bed by sheer force to get him to ingest a simple atom of food.
it controlled him like puppet strings that no matter what meds he took to try and cut him loose it would only tie it tighter around the puppet master fingers, only way out was to destroy the puppet.
you sent eren to rehab, hospitals and institutions over and over, paid every bill while you fought to keep your boyfriend alive, seeing him on days after failed tries to leave the light where he couldn’t even met your gaze, barely fix his lips to mumble that he ‘wouldn’t try it again’, knowing to himself it was a fucking lie.
rehab seemed to work, connie even blocked eren’s number so he couldn’t even try to call him late at night when you would sleep, armin and misaka sat with him on days you couldn’t in AA, the group worked together to keep eren afloat.
he was for a while, his year date reaching soon, you had plan to take him to dinner to celebrate the occasion, end the night in your shared bedroom to wake up with his arms wrapped around you to keep clean for more years to come.
at least you hope he was still clean in this moment, jean was an asshole for suggesting the thought that the thing eren worked so hard for he crushed in the same week of his anniversary, but as your anger filled your body you tried to block out the possibility.
the mer thought.
eren rela— he’s clean.
how could you even think a thing?
he’s fucking clean.
everyone in the room face turned solum, connie couldn’t even look you in the eyes, you sadness caked with angry glare as everyone gave you a depressing realistic look.
“no.” you seethed, your face turning to see that even mikasa faced the truth, you shoved her hands off of you while you stood off the couch.
“y/n—“ mikasa sighed before you cut her off.
“he’s w-worked so hard.. he doesn’t even drink at parties anymore! he’s changed, he can’t even smell vodka without vomiting, how could y’all think differently—!”
“maybe it was getting hard for him again, we can just—“ connie tried to bud in, only to shut up once he was met with your raging glare, hard walls built so quick to defend eren.
“our fridge is filled with seltzer, he won’t drink anything fucking else because he’s clean—“
“be realistic, y/n!” jean groaned, standing up to finally look at you, his eyes tired from staying up searching for the long hair stranger, “he leaves in the middle of the night with only his phone and the clothes on his back, he didn’t leave a note, he won’t pick up your calls, and no one has seen him in days! he’s not in the morgues, no hospital in our area has seen him, and we can’t find him! he’s fucking relapsed, probably blowing his own brain to a high so far out of our world!” he yelled.
the room went silent, your shoulders shaking as the tears started to burn at the edges of your floor, knees weak to hold up your body before you slumped into jeans tired arms, supporting your weight as you sobbed at the inevitable.
“n-no, no, no.. he’s clean..” you repeated between quiet sobs into your friends chest, the words lacking conviction in your own mind, trying to change anyone’s mind including your own when you knew.
eren relapsed.
the hours of AA, rehab and group support wasted in a few hours, his sessions of therapy crumpled like paper in an millisecond.
maybe that’s why the bed felt empty on some nights even when he slept soundly next to you, the apartment hollow despite his heavy footsteps always behind you.
a simple shell, shadow of the eren you knew, was he faking being clean the whole time? had you finally just listened now the call got to big to ignore in your home?
the signs probably blared at you that he was working up a sick streak that would flicker into a heavy storm and you just closed your eyes without thought.
had you helped him to this point?
every worse thought clouded your brain, endless wrap arounds with nothing clear insite, it was bitter to feel but damn did you deserve everyone for not noticing sooner that something was wrong.
even if there wasn’t a sign.
🐾…
🐾…
🐾…
the night crawled on, sasha had to feed you before you finally came to exhaustion from the three sleepless nights without a warm body beside you, the couch being your comforting friend while the group continued this battle for one selfish man.
at least that’s what jean thought he was at this moment, selfish for tormenting their friend group, his own girlfriend.
it took hours until the wee hours of the night before armin and renier found him outside a bar, bouncer told them that he was practically drinking himself to death in there.
the words stung to hear to eren, his head dropped in shame as it throbbed the constant pounding ache, wether it be from the alcohol tonight to the point he couldn’t argue with armin while he scolded him from how heavy his slur was or the heavy weight on his shoulders for— once again— getting himself back in this state, every fucking day the same shit, the mind numbing ring in his ears telling him that there isn’t a worth to his lungs taking the the air the so many others don’t have, his hear thumping should be slowed to a crawl so he can’t burden anyone one more time, for his brain to finally stop its last pound to save the disappointment of his eyes opening next morning.
on the drive back to the apartment it was all a blur, full of dread as he knew his outcome, rehab, hospitals, and a higher dose on his meds against his own will.
as his head lays on the window he can’t help but think how easy it would be to bash his head into the glass, letting the shards cut into him slowly while he choked on his own blood, slow and deserving to finally get this disease, his brain to stop the control it had on his life.
with the shared help of renier and admin they dragged eren up to your floor of the apartment, knocking gently to be greeted by an disappointed connie, he took one look at eren and put his head in his hands, he couldn’t bare his friend like this.
“he reeks of liquor, armin..” he mumbled, helping them carry him inside and set him into the kitchen, pouring a glass of water that armin held to his lips.
they kept their voices hushed, praying they could clean him up before you woke up, the group shoulders only lowered despite what should’ve been a release.
eren wasn’t dead in a ditch, but.. he definitely wasn’t eren, he was a drunkard in the kitchen with eyes so dim that he looked like they left all the light in them in all the bottles he swallowed tonight.
“bartender said he stopped him after he lost count of how many bottles he had, armin paid his tab.. shit was almost reaching a five hundred dollars,” reiner grumbled, taking a seat the island while mikasa and armin kept making him drink water.
misaka held his head up while armin poured the cup down his throat, so wasted he couldn’t even support the weight of his head.
“if we’re quick enough she won’t even wake up—“ jean mumbled to only be interrupted by a yawn from the doorway.
your eyes widened at the site of eren, his hair a trampled mess, sticking to his forehead from sweat, his hair tie barely holding any locks, his face pale and sickly with a cold flush on his cheeks from the alcohol, arms bare with a tank top that was covered in sweat around the neckline, sweats that he always wore to bed on his waist.
“fuck, hibabbyy— hic — m’fine,” his words barely coherent if you weren’t used to how drunk eren sounded, you dropped your head in shame.
the site of the boyfriend you swore to help, swore to keep him sane despite what he was going through made your stomach drop and blood warm.
to grasp as straws for a reason why he was so close and gave it up, to leave you so scared for his safety, thinking he was going to be found face down on a autopsy table for you to put cold into the ground with him to not have a care in the world.
for him to end up at bar at the edge of town, only his id and wallet, knowing him he probably thought of driving drunk back so he could make it look like an accident when he inevitably crashed into another car, hopefully cleared out this world without anyone batting an eye while it was his plan alllll along.
all his progress, the pounds of money you dropped to get him back on his feet, risking your own self respect to clear records so he could get a fucking job, all that you’ve done to save him, to keep the water out of his sinking boat with nothing to show for it.
is this what it meant to be loving girlfriend, to hold your drunken boyfriend up by his nasty t-shirt while he throws up in your bathroom? to bathe him and wash him only to send him away in the morning so he could get better.. stay on the strict routine or whatever his therapist told you how to help him this time.
“n-no you’re not ‘fine’, eren,” you croaked.
“m’super..i-i-i barelydrankanything, needa relaxerrrrr..” he forced a smile, body moving quicker to try and open his arms to hug you, swaying in every step before armin caught him so he wouldn’t fall flat on his ass.
“you’re wasted, piss yourself drunk—“ you seethed, fist bawling with a choked sob, “why didn’t you say it was getting bad, you promised to stay clean— it was almost a year —“ the anger and frustration couldn’t be hidden out your voice, you couldn’t even look at him because you knew, you would break down into tears, falling to your feet with harsh sobs.
“i-i-i just neededt’night! eren’s fine— m’great!” his voice wavered on each slur, his lips shutting as you stood in front of him, the rest of the group just watched in pure silence, what could they even think of to keep you sane.
your fist laid on his chest, wanting to punch him for all the fear he gave you, but seeing his drunken drained gaze made you falter, you stilled and just sighed.
maybe if you noticed sooner eren would be fine, if you gave into the stupid idea that maybe the alwayssss depressed boy wasn’t fine despite all the work you both done, maybe the dirty idea that he could fall back into this place wasn’t so forbidden for you to think off.
how much more of this could you take?
how could you even pity yourself.
“eren, please make this easy, baby, please..” you mumbled, laying your forehead onto his chest, the smell of beer hitting your nose more than the usual sent of his shampoo.
“i promise it was justfortooonightt, baby, i’ll make it up to yoooouuuu, girl don’t y’worry,” he gave a croaked smirk, trying to wrap his hands around you that you only shoved off.
“your going to rehab tonight, i-i-i can’t watch this again—“ you cut it off with a sob, finally letting go as you watched his smirk left his face.
“no,nooo, m’fine! i haven’t even t-thought about h-harming anyone.. been on my meds and shit— imma good, baby, s’good, m’fine, idontneedthatbullshit—“ he rambled, you just shook your tired head.
“tonight..” you pressed a finger to his lips, “r-right fucking now.. i’ll bring you stuff in the morning— i can’t even look at you..”
mikasa and armin exchanged glances but they knew nothing could change your mind, renier walked to get eren’s jacket from the supply closet, shrugging it onto his shoulder as eren tried to plead and bargain with you to no avail.
“please, baby, i’ve change— i-i-i can’t go back, was doing soo well, m’good!” eren pleaded, you sobs turned quiet as only salt streams rolled down your cheeks, leaning up to kiss his cheek before motioning for armin and misaka to take him away.
“i love you to much to see this, eren,” and with that you walked away, turning with slow footsteps while you heard the sad little rambles and pleads of the addict behind you, you could’ve swore you even heard tears.
the fight of eren trying to get you to listen died when the front door clicked, and finally you collapsed, sobbing harder than you did tonight as you curled up onto a ball on the floor, jean running to comfort and try to pull you off the floor, none of his efforts worked while you shook on the title.
