Thinking to either scream the shit out of me outside while hitting everything I see or calling the suicide hotline
but its for suicide... i cant tell if im enough suicidal for them to help me. I'm more depressed than suicidal. and theres no depression hotline in Québec (well i dont know one) or maybe the suicide hotline also take calls from depressive people? but i dont like calling. i dont even like talking. This is a fucking mental disease. I tell you. I'm all paranoid and sometimes i cant control myself. my friends or people on tumblr cant help me anymore. it's too hard to help me on this. even my social worker can't help me. I don't go to see the right people. but i dont care. I'll end up being dead anyway. That's what I want. I don't see hope for me anywhere. I can't face people. I just cant. but i need people. I need them to hug me. but none hug me. I don't have any physical contact with anyone but myself, my bed and my pillows. I wouldnt even be here anymore if I didn't have this fantasy world in my head
you know I could write this in my native language, but no, I insist writing it in english. Its not because i want more people to read it ( since most of my friends are anglophones). it's quite personnal. It's just....Sometimes I feel more fluant in english and now google chrome keeps telling me that almost every word on this paragraph is a mistake cause the damn spelling corrector is in french. (yep. pretty important detail) anyway. now many people will even read this. maybe Dominik. Maybe this girl I dont know on tumblr who is from Québec. Maybe Stécy if she sees it....well thats a lot of people already. I dont need them to read it. I just want to write...i already feel better just cause of this. you know, surrealist writing for the win. *has studied arts and litterature in Cégep* Lol I didn't even read a lot of books...well yes but not as much. plus most of them were boring.... Yes. totally changing the subject right now. I like talking to myself. I kinda miss my Cégep. I miss how we went to Québec city at least once a month to see a show. When I was down and we went to see an orchestra and i was just relaxing while listening to the music.
anyway, i dont even remember why i am down. I just want someone to sleep next to me sometimes.Actually no, I just want to live with a friend. yeah. someone close to me *is thinking of someone in particular* But I can't. not now. and i want to leave this place. I don't feel like home here. I felt more comfortable in Ottawa, which is ironic cause at the middle of the month, I wanted to leave. =/ I was kinda stupid. Well I think that I really hated the place where I stayed at the first place. I didn't like how my home stayed mom treated me but I didn't know it was the problem. I didnt have friends there. more like people I know. Well there was one girl but she was a complete bitch and I didnt like her but we were both alone so. *shrugs* It changed when I moved to my second home-stay. It was tgrebydvhbgdrhjgber so fucking far from School. PEOPLE AT KANATA WERE HAVING A SHUFFLE FOR THEM BUT PEOPLE AT ORLEANS (which i think its even farther) DIDN'T GREGHER DAMN THE SCHOOL WAS IN NAPEAN. 2 fucking hours of bus every morning. 2 hours of bus every night. FUN. \o/ anyway its the past XD Kay so who wants to live with me in Ontario? I'm gonna be like: gbrufdighruid people are speaking english everywhere!! grufghdr wait no actually I would like to live in a city like ottawa or subbury cause theres french people there and i want to hear both english and french in the city. like BITCHES WE'RE LIVING TOGETHER IN HARMONY. \o/
...well not bad for a girl who was hopeless a few minutes ago. =3
