@furiaei said: ' you're not the only one who does that. ' she sighed. ' i, too, seek to appear as a scoundrel who leaves a trail of broken hearts in my wake, yet make myself irresistible all the same. but, it's grown to feel empty. i no longer find pleasure in all my indulgences, only more emptiness. has it begun to feel the same for you? ' ( for sylvain! )
There were quite a few things that Sylvain has done in his life that he isn’t proud of, a great many number of things that he would change if he could. Several of them were out of his control and not something he could really do anything about, but still, the desire to rewrite one’s life to see how it could possibly play out differently is something that Sylvain was acutely familiar with, something he often longed for.
To be crestless, for one - that alone would change his life dramatically. Would Miklan still hate him? Would he still have gotten disinherited, or would Sylvain have actually been able to lead the life of a proper second born son to a noble house? Would his father have such high expectations for him if he didn’t have a crest? Would he ever actually enjoy the time he spent with his father? Would women even still look at him the way they do now? Would they bother with him? Or would he be allowed to find someone who he could truly love and would love him in return? Would he hate himself as much?
The possibilities, the never ending questions, the what if’s were all endless, a tunnel with no light, only the ever encroaching darkness of the reality he was stuck in. The one where he was the chosen heir, and the crested second born son of a very proud house. The one that placed him were he was now, with Mya beside him, both of which staring at the bottom of their glasses, a momentary reprieve from their wartime duties. A chance to sit back and suss through one’s thoughts - though that only ever seemed to put Sylvain in a rather dull mood. His own thoughts were never anything he enjoyed, not something he wanted to spend much time dealing with, and when it gets to that point he typically finds someone to entertain him for the evening.
Perhaps it was with the sudden shift in his energy, the way his gaze glanced over the others in the tavern that surrounded them, that was the cause of Mya’s commentary on their similarity. So much for getting his mind off of dreary thoughts and exhausting details - suppose it was just the night for it.
However, he couldn’t help but find it within himself to laugh as he glanced sidelong at her, “Come now, it has never been my intention to, as you said, ‘leave behind a trail of broken hearts’,” He’ll admit, his way of going about things has always been uncouth. but too many similar experiences that were all good and fine up until they began inquiring about his family, his name, his crest, his title - etc, tended to leave a bad taste in his mouth.
“I suppose I just haven’t found the right girl yet,” He mused with a shrug, lifting the mug to his lips and downing most of the liquid that was left there. He withheld the urge to wink, to nudge Mya and ‘swoon’ over the fact that she finds him irresistible - not only did he know that wouldn’t work on someone like Mya, but it didn’t exactly fit the mood they’ve summoned.
On the question of emptiness, Sylvain’s gaze returned to the end of the cup in his hand, staring at the bottom for a good long moment. He wasn’t even sure he knew what it felt like to be considered ‘full’, he supposes in the moments he spent with people he cared deeply for, like Felix, Dimitri, or Ingrid - even Mya had made her way into the lift of people he enjoyed being around. Well, when she wasn’t poking at topics such as this, that is.
In the end, Sylvain’s shoulder’s lifted in a shrug, “Hard to say,” He admitted, glancing over at her finally, “I have to admit, I definitely don’t have time to do what I did during the Academy,” Much less about a matter of time and moreso a lack of want, and a promise to be better.
“Who knows, maybe I’m changing too.”
