Warnings: cursing, angst, alcohol mention, food mention/eating, grief, yearning, corrupt cop, age gap (reader is in her 20s)
Based on this Request: The reader moves to Meade/Knockemstiff while answering an advertisement for a nanny in the paper. We learn that the ad was posted by Sandy, who has the reader watch her child whenever she and Carl leave to do their secret thing. After one of these trips, Sandy and her husband never return, so the reader is left caring for their baby. With the new investigation into these events, she meets Sandy’s brother Lee, the older, out of shape, alcoholic bachelor, and they are suddenly thrown into each others lives as he begins looking into his sister’s disappearance. Through it all, Lee starts to fall for her, and they slowly become a family.
Word Count: not sure- wrote it on my phone maybe 2k?
Series Masterlist / Previous Part
A/N: I hope you guys enjoy! I will reblog with the taglist soon. Let me know what you think! Reblogs are always appreciated as well!
Every movement is frantic. It’s with urgency that his arms pull you in as close as he can manage as his hands wander. Your arms wrap around his neck to bring yourself into him, even though there was no space left between you. Nimble fingers work to undo the buttons of his uniform- anything to just feel each other. Nothing is spoken and yet, you both move with such certainty and so succinctly. Soon enough, with his lips kissing and biting down your neck as you move, you find yourself pressed against the door of his bedroom and he fumbles to get the door open.
The screaming cry of the baby makes you both jump away, eyes wide and startled out of your daze. Again, it’s all unspoken, and your fluidity of motion shifts in a new direction. Without hesitation, you're in her room scooping her into your arms as you hear Lee mutter something about getting her bottle. You try your best to not think about what just- what could have just happened, and instead work to shush the little girl back to sleep. You rock her in your arms, and walk slowly around her room- navigating around the boxes of her things Lee has yet to unpack, understandably. All of this- everything has just changed so quickly. You can’t fault him for not having prioritized putting onesies in a dresser.
Lee’s coming back with a bottle but decides to hang back a moment in the doorway before making his presence known. He selfishly gives himself a few minutes to just observe the situation before him. He can’t help but smile at the sight. You’re here, unfazed that you're still in clothes drenched by the rain, and all you focus on is humming a soft lullaby to the crying baby. It’s probably not wise, but he allows himself to be a little selfish and just take in the moment, pretend it’s something just a little more than a shit show. You’re here- you came here. For him? He hopes so. Or maybe it was her- and that’s fine with him too. It doesn’t matter really. For now, it’s like life is far from broken.
She needs you. He knows that better than anything. He’s certain. He can see the way you treat her- love her. She without a doubt needs you as a constant presence in her life. What other stability does she have? Granted she won’t remember any of this but he hopes she’ll grow up knowing you. Lee thinks he can’t be this person the way you can. He’s not the person who can be a good parent, he’s convinced. He’s not selfless the same way you are. He’s not a good person. He has done and continues to do bad things. He wants to be better and be who his niece needs, but he can’t do it both all alone.
She needs you.
He needs you.
“Here,” he says when he finally snaps himself out of his daydream. You take the bottle from him and offer it to Valerie, instantly soothing her tears.
You sit on an unopened box while she sips on the bottle, and Lee takes a seat in another across from you. The only light in the room is the little bit of light from the street lamp outside through the crevices of the shade, and the nightlight plugged in near the crib.
You sit in silence, neither one of you knowing what to say. As Valerie settles down and you have nothing to redirect your attention, the air in the room grows heavy and the silence begins to feel awkward. It’s excruciating, the silence, and it’s eating you both alive. What do you even say in a situation like this? Is there even anything to say that even begins to describe whatever it was dancing between the two of you?
You don’t even know how much time passes as you two sit there, but eventually when Val finishes the bottle, she’s back asleep, snuggling herself close to your chest. You get up carefully, and gently place the girl back into her crib. You and Lee share a knowing look, to not try to talk until you’re both out of the nursery. He gestures for you to walk out first, and then he follows, very slowly closing the door behind him.
With his hand just grazing your lower back, he leads you to the living room to sit down. You take a seat on the couch, your eyes fixated on a very faint ring on the coffee table in front of you. You were finding it so hard to make eye contact. Neither one of you knowing what to say, or wanting to be the first one to speak.
You hadn’t realized Lee had even left until he comes back with two mugs and offers one to you. You mumble a shy thank you, and the coffee instantly helps warm you up. You had been too distracted before to realize how cold you were from being soaked by the rain. He also has a towel under his arm that he drapes over your shoulders, before he takes a seat next to you.
Lee’s feeling more self conscious than usual. This was the side of him, he didn’t want you to see. He’s sure you can smell the alcohol practically coming out of his pores, and he’s in desperate need of a shave. He’s been in these clothes for the past couple of days, not being able to even find the time or the energy. They’re covered in Val’s spit up, and he’s more aware of his tummy when he isn’t in uniform. He wanted to have this part of him sorted out already, he wants to impress you. He doesn’t know why. He knows why, but he’s not ready to admit it to himself yet. After everything that’s happened, on top of it all, he can’t face the rejection from you.
You’re both hurting, and he convinces himself the kiss was nothing more than a desperate attempt for comfort. It had to be, he thinks. You’re both grieving, both tied up in a horrible twist of fate that affected you both. He can’t even think about how Sandy- his kid sister Sandy, is gone. Now that he’s lost her, he can’t also lose you. Valerie can’t lose you, and he can’t let his harboring crush ruin the one good thing she has going for her right now.
You make it so hard for him to resist you. You don’t even know the effect you have on him, but just sitting here with you makes his head spin. He desperately wants to just feel you wrapped up in his arms again, but the small glimpse he got earlier needs to be enough. He doesn’t have a choice. He’s not making choices for himself, he can’t. Not just yet.
“I’m sorry,” you say softly, finally cutting through the silence, “I- I don’t know why I came.”
“I’m happy you did.”
“This is a horrible thing to bring up right now,” you chuckle, holding back a sob, “but I don’t know what to do- you’re grieving the loss of your sister and I’m just worried about my job…”
“I want you to stay as her nanny,” he insists, quickly, his voice actually sounding relieved- even if only a little. “She needs you, if you want to… I also understand if you want to distance yourself from this…”
“I don’t want to leave her,” you insist. He actually manages a smile.
“We’ll figure out the details, when we finally manage to get back on our feet,” he reasons, and you nod in agreement, “but don’t worry about your job.”
“Thank you,” you smile, tightening the towel around you.
“Do- do you want me to drive you home?” He offers, hesitantly, not wanting you to go, but also not brave enough to ask you to stay. “Or- if you’d be comfortable, you can take the couch- if you want.”
“I won’t put you out- I should be getting back. I don’t mind walking…”
“I want you to stay,” he admits, and you find yourself unable to tear away from his gaze. His blue eyes have never bore so much emotion to you before. The practically desperate plea that tugs at his voice is straining his strong front.
His gaze is so heavy, practically spilling his heart out to you with just one look. It’s telling- no, it’s exposing. It’s him opening up his chest and pulling his heart out to give to you while it’s still beating. There’s no more games, or the little cat and mouse facade. It’s emphatically him, and the pull that keeps tethering him back to you.
When you were little, you remember a phrase that was taught to you in an attempt to keep you away from sin, or following down the wrong path.
When you dance with the devil, the devil don’t change.
Forever entangling you with your choices and bad decisions. Once you go down some roads, there’s no turning back from them. The path disappears behind you, and you can’t go back and start again. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t- because how can you live a life worth living if you don’t risk your fate.
Your fate is sealed when you kiss him.
This time it’s different. It’s purposeful and methodical, no doubt that it is indeed your conscious choice to close the spaces between the two of you. It’s so slow, it feels almost agonizing. He’s so warm, and his heat just feels so inviting that you can’t help yourself when you get pulled in.
He doesn’t even know you. He can count the interactions you’ve shared almost on one hand. But he knows, and can attest to the fact that he’s never felt this before. He doesn’t think it’s accurate to call it love- not just yet. But it shares many of the same qualities. It’s intoxicating, and simultaneously mesmerizing. It’s more than just an attraction or an infatuation- it’s a burning need to be close to you, and to immerse himself in you.
Lee’s fate was sealed long before he met you, as he made deals with his own devils. Addicted to all the material things and the power, but he feels that pull of addiction with you. And you’re the best thing he can be addicted to, a beacon of something wholeheartedly good- tugging him to be good enough for someone like you.
“We shouldn’t do this.”
His words cut through you and it’s nothing short of paralyzing. He’s gentle, and you could have seen how much it pains him to push you away if you yourself weren’t hurting from his words. You feel a million things at once. Shame, embarrassment, anger, confusion… everything desperately trying to be the forefront of your brain at once that nothing can form into anything coherent at all. It’s maddening, and all you can do is sit there dumbfounded when the man who asked you to stay is now shutting you out.
He tries to explain, and of course, he’s thinking of the little girl asleep down the hall. It’s unfair to her to put his emotions and his wants ahead of what she needs. She needs you, he believes more than she needs him. It’s a cynical and self deprecating thought to have but he can’t imagine what he can offer her if not you. It’s not rational, but not once has he ever thought rationally. She needs you, and he can risk being the one who rips you from her life.
“Valerie- she, we need to put her first. I need to be putting her first,” he sighs. You nod, still unable to even come up with something to say. You put yourself out and offered to let him in, and he just shut you out. Of course, he’s doing the right thing, but it still fucking hurts. It shakes you, and forces you out of your own daze you’d fallen in with regards to him.
You walk home in the early hours of morning with tear stained cheeks. You refused a ride from Lee, and refused to say a word as you left. You walk home like you’re on the brink of breaking into fragments. Your body is guiding you, but your brain is fogged and your eyes are weighing heavy. It’s 4am and you’re back in bed right where you started before Julie even woke up to notice you gone.
Lee’s on his couch, laying back with Valerie pulled in close to his chest as she sleeps. His mind is too busy with thoughts of you to allow him to even get a couple of hours of much needed rest. Her weight on him is comforting, and the feel of her in his arms is what he tries to focus on. She’s blissfully unaware of all the events that occurred in the house tonight, and her soft snores seem to be the only thing that helps calm his nerves. He rubs her back gently, rubbing in small circles and he watches her eyelashes flutter in her sleep and he tries to imagine what she’s dreaming about.
When you slept, it felt like only a second passed between when your eyes closed to when the bright sun woke you up. Your head hurt, and your eyelids still felt heavy, but you were nonetheless very much awake. You cringe, when the memory of last night immediately comes to mind. You needed to let go of this weight on your back, you needed to will yourself up and into the shower- just do anything besides think of Lee and the way your stomach churns thinking about his rejection.
You shower and get dressed and by the time you emerge from your room, you realize it’s 11am and Julie has long since left for work hours ago. You can’t think of one place in town you could go without the worry of running into him. His cruiser could be anywhere, and it made you want to go back to your bed and bury yourself under your blankets. You rationalize with yourself that you can’t let your fear of facing him again stop you. If you didn’t completely blow it last night, you still were Valerie’s nanny and that meant facing him everyday.
You slip on your shoes, and decide to at least venture out for a walk down to the dinner. Get a coffee, maybe something for an early lunch, and then just come back home. It was a simple task with a clear directive- and a conveniently short route which meant less of a chance of running into the sheriff. Your plan failed miserably when you opened the door and saw Lee with his hand up like he was just about to knock.
He holds up a pastry box and smiles sheepishly. He looks much better than when you last saw him. Clean shaven and in a freshly ironed uniform. His eyes were a little bit brighter and the heavy lines from lack of sleep under his eyes had faded. His cheeks are a little pink, and you can’t help but find the gesture endearing.
“I brought you breakfast,” he says, his voice hesitant. It’s like he’s worried one wrong move and the door may slam in his face. You smile, crossing your arms over your torso because of how awkward you feel as you step aside to let him in.
He stands out in your apartment. The apartment is very much decorated like two eclectic twenty-something disasters. He has a small smirk on his face looking around, observing your space and taking it all in. You mumble an apology for the little bits of clutter and you busy yourself by clearing the mess of record sleeves and magazines off of the coffee table. He takes a seat on your couch, and lets himself relax down into it. He opens up the pastry box and places it down on the coffee table.
“I- I wasn’t sure what you liked so I got one of everything,” he says shyly, and you grin. One of every kind of muffin the dinner sold lined up in rows and packaged up just for you.
“I came to apologize,” he began, and you took a seat in your armchair, wanting to keep your distance so you didn’t do anything else stupid.
“I didn’t handle myself well last night. I didn’t say what I was trying to convey to you, and it came out wrong. I hurt you, and I am so sorry,” he begins. “It wasn’t that I didn’t want you to kiss me, or that I’m not interested, or that I wanted to push you away. I wanted it, I really honestly do. And that kiss was- just… wow. I couldn’t stop thinking about it- well I still can’t stop thinking about it. And- and I realized that I need to put her first. As badly as I want to- I don’t know, kiss you again, ask you out- I can’t risk it not working out and it affecting her.
I see how you are with her, and you’re so great for her. And she needs you and I can’t fuck that up and I can’t risk whatever this is threatening that. I don’t know what I’m doing. I honestly have no idea what it takes to take care of a baby. If you left, I don’t know what I’d do. I can’t, I can’t raise her without you.”
You didn’t know your heart could ache so much. This longing that’s tugging at you is unexplainable. You don’t know him- but you desperately want to. It’s pulling you in and just breaking you with every step. It’s not fair. It’s not fair to him, or to Val or even to you to let yourself get so caught up in something you don’t understand. It’s a relief within itself to know that it’s not just you. He feels this too.
“I’m sorry,” you admit, looking down at your lap, “I’m sorry I left- and I don’t know what this is- or what happened, but you’re right and I know that. But you have my word, I promise I’m not going to let this affect my work with Valerie.”
“So- I guess I came here to ask you, if you still want to do this. If we’re on the same page, nothing between us can happen, for her sake. And we keep our rel- we keep it professional. Yeah?”
