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how to say how I feel

So, as always some feelings about our last Star Wars: Force and Destiny session! The gang is leaving the Ness family to explore the future of the Jedi Order. Tried to use as much ingame dialogue as I could remember (argh, my sloppy notes)

Fandom: Star Wars - Force & Destiny

Characters: Secesa x Xaruk, Seya Ness, the Padawan gang

Rating: M (sexual themes)

(This fic is sponsored by cheesy 2009 Snow Patrol music)

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All that I am

All that I ever was is here in your perfect eyes

they're all I can see

Secesa leaned against the countertop and watched Seya leave.

“Take care of my brother.”

She’d try, but what to expect of Tython? A planet so mythical that Kadran needed to cook it some dinner, before it’d even show itself. So, filled with the Force that their bodies probably wouldn’t handle it well. Not to mention the fragile peace between Republic and Empire, which’d been such a joke for every Padawan and Jedi that lost their life and everyone that had witnessed their home being destroyed.

Nightmares came and went and meditation didn’t always help and Secesa knew that leaving here would hurt them more.

Stupid Ness family and their open hearts and minds, so filled with love and care for each other. Almost painful to look at them. And stupid Atheo with his emotions so open and not hidden very well. Even his sister saw conflicted, blossoming feelings in his expressions when he talked to his Master.

Who knew what happened right now with the two of them sitting beneath a myriad of stars?

At last, Secesa wouldn’t be the only Padawan in this group, who felt too much attachment to their Master. Though, her attraction came from a darker place than Atheo’s sweetness and naivety.

Secesa put the last dishes away and washed her hands. Time to put such thoughts behind her and enjoy her last hours of freedom. Almost everyone had already retired to their rooms, Shelly hopefully sleeping, Tundold eagerly reading the diary from Raphael’s dead Zabrak lover, while Nathair tried to get him and Kadran closer together.

She shook her head and took a deep breath.

Zabraks.

The horns. It had to be the horns.

Her skin prickled, as Xaruk approached. He didn’t try to be overly stealthy and smelled like fresh soap, as if he’d just finished a quick visit in the fresher.

“You’re ready?”

She offered him a half-smile and nodded. “I’m ready. Lead the way.”

Secesa linked their arms. Night had fallen and a bright moon guided their path down to the lake. It appeared even more beautiful than during the day and very quiet and undisturbed. She’d seldom seen so many stars and patterns woven into the darkness.

Coruscant’s sky had always been filled with artificial lights and more orange and yellow than here.

She still missed her home.

“We’re here!”

Xaruk stopped to put a blanket on the ground, which made Secesa laugh. He’d put some thought into this and she followed him and sat down.

He wrapped an arm around her shoulders. “You’re leaving tomorrow?”

“Yes, we’re leaving.” Her words hang between them.

Xaruk’s gaze met hers. “Tell Shelly, I want to talk to her in the morning.”

“I will.” Secesa didn’t know why or what about, but probably about her being a fantastic fighter and worthy of Mandalore.

“I thought that I’d spent the rest of my life here, helping the Ness family, protect them and enjoy their hospitality, but a shuttle landed...” Xaruk’s eyes seemed unusually bright and expressive.

“And with it came a storm.”

Secesa’s throat felt dry and her tongue too heavy for words. How to answer that? How to express her thoughts. He’d told her before that their arrival rekindled some lost flame, that he wanted to do something more with his life than spend it with being a farmhand.

Thankfully, Xaruk continued to talk.

“I’ll be leaving too. Tomorrow with Seya and her pet Empire officers. “

She’d thought that maybe he’d wait a few days and leave, after Jidi and Vizit had some time to deal with seeing both of their twins leaving them. With a bit of luck, she’d probably manage to hide somewhere during breakfast. “Oh, lots of goodbyes tomorrow. And tears.”

“Yes.”

Silence formed comfortably between the two of them. Secesa pushed away the thoughts of the coming dawn and saying goodbye again. Sure, they'd stay in contact, but it wouldn't be the same. Secesa liked being near him, the heat of his body, his presence and how it made her feel.

It just fit.

Xaruk caressed her cheek. “Remember my amulet. It’ll help you find me. Show it to some bounty hunters and they’ll know my name and how to find me.”

“Of course, they’ll do.”

She laughed, imaging herself in some seedy cantina, asking for Xaruk and showing the symbol of his people. How very not Jedi.

Turning around, she managed to take a small package out of her robes.

“Jedis are not allowed to own anything.”

Xaruk smiled. “Well, the amulet is actually mine, so you wouldn’t break any rules.”

“No, no… I mean, I wanted to give you something too. Something to remember me.”

Secesa had cut off a strand of her hair. Thick, black and held together by a pretty ribbon (a small donation from Atheo’s grandmother), wrapped in fabric.

“Here.”

“I…”

“Oh.”

Xaruk seemed at a loss for words. He opened his mouth just to close it again. His hard face lit up with emotions, Secesa couldn’t discern. And she was afraid to what she might find there.

She rubbed her neck. “Well.”

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

He kissed her. A better answer than any words and it spared them any further awkwardness. In the end, they hadn’t known each other for long, but something had sparked and Secesa felt the connection haunting her. Mediation didn’t help. She’d been off for a while now, even before the temple fell, and with Xaruk so present in her mind, no equilibrium could be found.

The Force knew everything. Hopefully it'd lead her into the right direction.

His body weight forced her to lie down, her back connected with the hard ground. Even now, the air around them seemed warm and comfortable, but she shivered as she undressed and pushing the heavy robes to the side.

Secesa traced the scars and markings on his chest, kissed his neck and embraced his closeness. His scent filled her mind, clean and sharp. She’d seldom felt that good, that right.

Whole.

And Xaruk’s eyes never left hers, always so bright and filled with warmth. No comparison to his stoic appearance when they’d first seen each other.

She put her hands against his chest and earned a questioning gaze. Secesa answered with a kiss and made him turn around, because it was his time to feel all these little, hard stones in his back. Pressing her thighs against his hips, she just enjoyed the view for a few seconds.

“Something wrong?”

“No. You’re too handsome.”

“Hm?”

“These horns.” Carefully she touched every little tip and she saw him rolling his eyes at her.

He sat up then, forcing their chests to connect. Xaruk bit her just beneath her collarbone. His teeth broke skin. A sharp pain made her gasp. It’d scar, if not treated and she’d make sure that Tundold would never see it.

“Enough of this.” She wrapped her legs around Xaruk’s hips and brought their bodies together. Thankfully the night swallowed their moans.

Hours passed and the moon rose and sank and birds chirped to announce the coming dawn.

Far too soon for her taste.

Secesa’s body ached in a most welcome way, as she rolled around to face him. He did look a bit exhausted with heavy breathing and eyes closed.

She reached for his hand. “Wish we had more time.”

Xaruk opened his eyes to watch the stars. “Me too.”

“We still have a few hours left.”

He smiled. “Let’s make them count.”

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