#xelule rant

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cuz listen

when our theater troupe goes home from convention, this one member who’s very involved typically does these awards where she gives everyone who attended an award AND SHE REMEMEBRED BECERYONE BUT ME

not like i was surprised no one really knows who i am since i only started theater this school year. so before she started she quickly did “roll call” to see if she had everyone and she didn’t call my name ibviously and my friend pointed it out. personally i didn’t even wanna i wouldn’t have corrected her anyway but whatever my friend did

we go through the awards it was fun. each person got a personalized award and like a mini speech of why that got the award (like the awards were made for them they’re not already made things like one friend got the “nose bleed award” because his character in the show we performed had a nose bleed if that makes sense)

and my award was the “great smile award” or some shit. literally my reaction when she said my name was “how”

like i would’ve preferred nothing

and when she said our names we were supposed to turn on our lights above us in the bus as like a spotlight. and my friend who reminded her of my existence went to turn on my light and i literally smacked his hand away before he did

it was stupid i would’ve preferred being forgotten than getting a cop out. my friend said he thought she would’ve come up with something but like barely anyone knows i exist of fucking course she couldn’t come up with something meaningful

and since i won’t have another convention with that troupe im just stuck with that dumbass title

not like i blame her she’s two years younger than me but gods idk like it’s not my fault im shy or have anxiety. i don’t go to cast parties in our closing nights because i get overstimulated easily. but it’s so annoying seeing everyone be able to scream and sing songs together like idk songs from newsies and i can’t sing along because they were all in newsies last school year and i wasn’t

like theater is a community and i love it. but when you can’t relate to the community the tiniest bit it feels like you’re an outsider all of a sudden and i hate it

whatever on to performing shrek because i totally wanna do that as my senior play right?

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“treat other how you want to be treated” is so strange to me

“because someone could be mean to you but you’re nice just because that’s how you want to be treated? and you find that unfair?” no not that

it’s that you could love someone the way you want to be loved but they might not do the same back. maybe their love language is different so like should you be disappointed or happy that they still love you the same but just not in the way you wanted? idk it’s weird love is strange

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one of my favorite things ive realized is that, even if you think your art or writing or creation in general is "bad" or "off" or "could be better", everyone else wont see that. theyll just think "...wow, they created something!"

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the next generation is fucked. im sitting in a teachers class with these kids younger than me and their learning about germany. if you can’t get through class without calling germans n@Zis and doing the fucking salute then you’re an insensitive asshole

except i lied in the last paragraph. im not talking about gen alpha, these are high schoolers, barely two years younger than me.

other bullshit these kids have said or done:

“if i research ukraine, it’s all gonna be about bombs!” in response to being assigned ukraine for a research project

“why should i care? im not the one with the yacht” when the teacher tried explaining that bezos could literally do so much good with his money but he chose to make a 5 million dollar yacht instead

“we’re not the one with the rainforest” when they were learning about the amazon rainforest shrinking

and more

the lack of empathy and general understanding of the world is so frustrating. i have to watch these kids throw tantrums, slamming their desks and throwing their pencils just because they get a question wrong in fucking kahoot or blooket while they turn around and say some racist bullshit

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im sick of substitute teachers not pronouncing my name right

okay well it’s not their fault if they get my name wrong, but maybe if you can’t pronounce a fucking asian name try to make it noticeable?? at least then i know “oh they’re struggling with my name since im the only student with an asian name”. this substitute said my “name” once and then moved on AND IT WASNT EVEN MY ACTUAL NAME

why the fuck do they always pull the same bullshit. my first name has two parts separated by a space. class rosters don’t fucking put middle names. WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU SAYING THE SECOND HALF OF MY FIRST NAME??????? not even pronounced right like pick a fucking struggle

it shouldn’t be my responsibility to memorize which names in this class come before mine so i can anticipate when to say “here”

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idk if im the one at fault or not with this

like at my school our spring play is a show only seniors can audition for (it’s also called the senior play) and it’s SHREK of all things

i don’t want my senior play to be shrek but like i guess it’s still rude for me to openly complain about it to my theater friends, especially when one friend is a theater officer

but like can’t i just pretend for a little while longer till i have to perform in stupid shrek for my last show at my school? i hate being reminded of it

ik it’s personal bias since i just wish i could’ve performed the lighting thief but whatever idk man i just wish my friend could’ve reminded me in a nicer way but again it’s not like I’ve been much nicer

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vent post? idk im not all that emotional about it rn but its just on my mind and i wanna type it down somewhere

cw: negative self talk, poor coping mechanisms

honestly idek why im typing this since i hate drawing attention to myself. to preface, im not really emotional rn and these are just kinda my genuine, logical thoughts that im gonna word vomit out.

im kinda tired of never feeling important. so many people say how much they care about you and that you mean a lot to them, but unless i were to actually look into their thoughts, for all i know, i could really just be in secon place. or even third, fourth, fifth, or not anywhere close at all.

i get that its selfish to even want to be considered that important to someone, but idk. maybe im just so used to feeling unimportant that i wanna fill the void that was left empty for my entire life.

but im also so used to feeling that way that when someone tries to imply i matter in any way more than someone else i just force myself to deny it since im so used to the disappointment later on. its just constant denying that i play off as some joke because i hate having people feel concern for me for the same reason.

maybe thats why i like games like obey me or arcana so much. the mc is already depicted as someone in a much more stable position while just being so talented and loved by the people around them. theres no competition, and since theyre fictional theres no doubt that theyd actually "love" me since thats what they were programmed to do and say.

honestly, if my favorite fictional characters became real and tried to claim they loved me back, i would just keep denying like im used to. ive always been a comfort over change kind of person. with that question of "would you rather love and lose or never love at all?", my answer hasnt changed ever since i was a love-hating, edgy child to the hopeless romantic me now

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oh is it my turn to see the gargoyle? lmao

OMG quick rant time: last year in art, we had a project to make “gargoyles” and it kept frustrating me since they weren’t actually gargoyles (also the teacher kept pronouncing gargoyles as “are-gai-uhl” because she didn’t realize she deleted the g when copy-pasting the pronunciation of the word)