#xen thinks

[xendeoide]

why does cumming have a cool down time

[xendeoide]

i haven’t had my tshot in 2 weeks :( i’m all out and my prescription still hasn’t been delivered :( it says it’s still getting filled :(( ive been reusing bottles don’t tell on me :( at least my acne is slowly getting more manageable

[xendeoide]

i love testosterone i love hrt i never used to never eat chicken wings and today i was crunching on the tendons. i’m sweating so much my hair is clinging to my neck. i’ve become something else that i never would have imagined being before

[xendeoide]

i’m worried that i’m doomed to never feel love in a relationship. i think i loved my partner more when it was still a crush. i’m scared that i can’t love them well enough, and i keep having thoughts of breaking our relationship off. but i know that will end with us not speaking to each other anymore. it happens every time with me. i also don’t want this feeling to end, because it does feel bland and unfulfilling, but it’s better than agony. the pain of being so lonely.

[xendeoide]

i hold myself tense and hover above your thighs, careful not to breathe too deep lest i scare you away. you would canter back into the woods and i would never see you again. so i lay back, frightened, turn my head towards your socks. they smell like how mine do when i wear them too often. dust and human. my touch remains light as a feather, to remind you that i’m not even there. trying to distract myself from the grit of denim on my cheek. pretending to focus on the movie when this is the closest we have ever been.

[xendeoide]

i crave the intimacy of a relationship, but i hate physical touch. i always feel like i’m saying somethjng wrong and i have to be careful or the person next to me will shatter into tiny pieces. what am i so afraid of? i dream about cuddling someone. i wannf be little spoon. really badly. but my body won’t let me. and that hurts more. i wake myself up from the delusion often to make sure i don t sink too deep. but it makes me sadder to be constantly reminded that i’m jsut playing pretend. that the figure behind me is my pillows. or just the air behind me. it makes me sad instead of comforting me into sleeping.

[xendeoide]

i want to be held. gently or otherwise. i don’t care. i just want to feel the warmth of another, skin on feverish skin. instead of crying to myself that it won’t come true. instead of shivering alone.

oh, how i wish i weren’t so alone all the time. i want that intimacy. when’s it my turn