4 Month Retrospective on "SHINE ON", Profound Loss, etc.
First and foremost; I don't need any empty sympathy because I've already gotten enough of it, but your general kindness is much appreciated. I'm just reminiscing here.
I talk a lot about my brother dying (it is integral to this project's creation, see: Profound Loss), so if that makes you uncomfortable, I suggest you look elsewhere.
Ten-ish days after I finished my PMV (and my current most high-effort long-form project), my younger brother, who had been in the hospital for a while, passed away. He never saw my finished product. I think about that often. I think he saw me posting about it on Instagram, but I will never really know. I like to think he knew I was doing something, at least.
The PMV itself had been a product of 1) an instantaneous, Impulsive thought and 2) Immense frustration and pain. In December 2025, I listened through the entirety of Pink Floyd's Wish You Were Here with my dad and my brother (though, he hated it. He never liked Pink Floyd, which always made me laugh. He thought the songs went on too long) during a car ride home. Upon hearing the first track, I had a thought that many people have while listening to music; "this song sounds JUST like my story about my funny character!! I would love to make an animation to that song!!" and I promptly began to daydream about it. I have a playlist of these songs, 'AMV material' if you will, though it should be known I never added Shine On You Crazy Diamond (I-IV) to that playlist. I had no intention, really, thinking tackling a song like that was too ambitious. I had other things to do, other things to plan for. In February, my 'main' project was turning 10. I had, perceptively, no time to consider rushing out a long, intimidating project in two months.
Then, in January, my brother became ill, and I was deeply afraid. I suddenly had nothing to occupy my time recreationally aside from keeping my mom's house together while she was absent, tending to my brother, so I committed to making a large-scale project-- Something that I could focus everything positive on to. I had a script completed for a PMV concept that had been floating around my brain for over a year, though I found the song, subject matter and framing too depressing and ambitious. I was frustrated, heartbroken. What do I even do. What do I even do?
In my moment of cluelessness, "Shine On" came to me almost instantaneously, like a true Eureka moment as my thoughts dipped further into darkness. I remembered I found the lyrics to not only be evocative of a particular character I made, and I hurriedly assembled a storyboard, then sketches, then decided I was going to digitally paint each frame, and it quickly assembled itself before me. As I created it, I found it much more powerful to associate the song's lyrics, and the album as a whole, with my current situation, with the struggle my brother was going through.
I am proud of what I was able to complete. I am proud to say I finished something, at all. I used to say that I was always channeling da Vinci's inability to finish any large-scale project whenever I sat down to make something interesting. It's easy to think, but harder to commit, to put pen to paper. But this time I really did do it!! I executed something to the best of my ability! And it rocked. I loved it, my friends loved it, everybody loved it. I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful people care about some story I made up in high school 101, drawing birds on some scrap-paper, coming up with names on the spot when I joined a beginner-friendly OC MAP and had to make more characters to surround the birds with. I'm glad that the people I love have stuck around.
I am notoriously shy around sharing information about / regarding my characters. It wouldn't seem that way to anyone on the outside, but I barely discuss them nowadays. They seem as intrinsic to me as emotions, so there is no need to speak of them. They just 'are'. This PMV is probably the most I've 'shared' (indirectly) about a given character, ever. I hope that helps you understand Aethon a little bit more, though I do tend to talk about him a lot. Favoritism. Why do you think he got this PMV???? Greedy, greedy. I still feel incredibly fond of what this PMV was able to convey. Again. I really did put my blood, sweat, and tears into this thing. I do not feel that way towards many of the things I've done, especially animations or other sequential works. They're typically quick and simple, low-effort but funny. This is Serious Business. and I am glad it is being taken seriously to this day.
However, this excitement, appreciation, and joy, is undercut by pain. The one person who needed to see it didn't. The one person I knew who had more knowledge of the visual medium I chose couldn't see it. I think about it a lot, perhaps more than I should. I just wish he were here.
Though, Only a few days after his death, I had a dream I showed a nonspecific animation (it did not really render itself in my dream) to my brother, who remained in his hospital bed. He nodded, smiled, and said "that's good!" . And with that, I awoke, and it was done. I don't necessarily believe in 'ghosts', but I like to believe that was sincere, a breath of relief sent from a far-flung Heaven. Or some form of 'good place'. That's the only dream I've had of him. I cherish it.
Overall, This cools a lot of my negative emotions when I think about it, but I still cannot watch my PMV fully without shedding a couple tears. I think I made something good, and that's good. That's what it will be forever.
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On a different note, It's been occupying my mind lately that my 'narrative', that is the central conflict and resolution of ALBIAN UNDERNEATH, is not positive, but rather neutral, perhaps a bit negative. The protagonist dies, suffers, and dies again. The deuteragonist lives, suffers, and lives with that suffering. The world is cruel. Both protagonists yearn for a better life, but they do not attain it. Again, the world is cruel. The story 'loops' in a way where characters are in practically the same place they were at the start, but have attained their 'goals' in an unsatisfying way. This was always intentional, an unsatisfying, not-entirely unexpected end is one of my favorite ways to conclude a story. But I don't feel 'good' about it anymore.
Given my personal circumstances, I do not know whether to continue with this, though I do not see any 'happy ending' out there for this particular concept. It has made me feel increasingly detached in a way I cannot describe other than a symptom of profound loss. "Profound" is an understatement. Characters have been set-in-stone for 5ish years or so, with minor adjustments being made all the time. I do not have the strength to overhaul integral pieces of the narrative. And it frustrates me. It just won't happen.
I tell myself that these feelings will pass, but I am unsure of it. I think as the days get longer, I will type something up again with better thoughts regarding my work. For now, I sit at a crossroads, unsure of where to continue. I think I have to go onward, though the future is unknown.
All I know is that I would very much like to finish this project. It will, regrettably, take a little while longer, but I need to see it through. I am glad I had the strength to share a little part of it with the world, but I would like to show the rest. That's what I want, that's what my brother would've wanted.
Let's all finish our projects together, shall we?
Thank you for reading.
