Boy, bye.
I rambled and wrote a lot of posts from anger, no, it wasn’t right to say the harsh things that I did, but they were felt and therefore said for the simple fact that tumblr has been my source of venting for many, many, many years.
But since my expressed emotions have offended others, I took down the more explicit writing and will be taking my thoughts ( I’m working on toning down the angry venting ) and such to a new tumblr for a selected group to follow. I’m truly sorry to those that have felt offended by my expressions.
To clarify things here, he did give me a fair shot in the past 6 months. For those 6 months he did show me that he could be a different person. He proved he could be honest and open about his feelings, faithful, considerate, he had the ability to say ‘ no ‘ whenever becky seduced, he was responsible and reasonable in ways that genuinely surprised me within that time frame.
Yet I still had my walls up. A fortress around my heart. Good ol’ Jed, stubborn as always. I still chose to let my fears, anger, resentment and insecurities influence how I treated him those 6 months to the point that I pushed him away without giving the clean slate he asked for. Whether it was because I haven’t fully recovered from all the lies and baby mama drama or not, I admit that it wasn’t fair at all to not even bring down my walls a little bit for him or us.
I thought I could be stronger, I thought I could break down my walls, I thought I could change my mindset on the cheating and anger that clung deep in my heart. But I failed at all that and instead took it out on what was supposed to be a clean slate. He had his reasons for cheating, not that cheating is ever justified, but I wasn’t present while in college and most of my time was spent fulfilling my dreams in college rather than balancing it out as a long distance girlfriend. My inability to balance and prioritize in college resulted in neglect while he was already lonely in alaska and thus becky was introduced into this long story. There’s a reason behind everything that we do, even when it’s the wrong choice like cheating. Again, not justifying him, rather clarifying that I’m not a perfect human being who tends to push people away intentionally or unintentionally.
I don’t “ hope “ that his daughters will suffer the same fate I did, I mean, I hope no one has to ever go through that many lies and heart-ache. What I do hope, is that he finds happiness, that he gets the clean slate he deserves and lives a fulfilling life now as a father of two. As painful as everything was, I have nothing but sheer faith in that man as a parent. Knowing him for so many damn years, I knew he would be the most badass father and he IS. I’m proud and happy for him because he’s going to continue to make those baby girls happy and guide them towards a beautiful future.
As for becky? Nah that’s where I draw the line. I have a whole lot more of growing and healing before I say/do/write anything close to subtly pleasant about this home wrecker. I’ll admit, she probably had her reasons for being side chick and continuously going after him in these 6 months (technically 4+ years). Everyone has a reason, right? One day….one…far…away..day, I’ll come to grips with an understanding on all that. That’s just not today. Sorry just keeping it 100%.
Here is to letting go of a whole shit ton of anger and pain, onto more adventures and the road ahead !