Jun 17, 2014
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I got jumped and here's my story
I suppose it's about time I write about my mugging; I'll start from the beginning.
It was Tuesday night and complainiac was complaining about going to the Everything is Terrible show by himself. I was tired from work (cause work sucks) but finally decided to head over to Ybor and meet up with him. He had asked to pick me up actually, but I didn't want to make him late.
So at around 9:30, I headed over and park in front of The Quarter (apartments with decent security). I took a shortcut through Ybor Square, and as I crossed, I noticed two shirtless dudes walking in my direction. I stayed aware but continued to walk calmly, giving them the benefit of the doubt. When they started to run clearly in my direction, I darted for 8th Street. I was near the end of the square when they caught up with me. One guy literally jumped on me and got me in a choke hold. I suppose the other was trying to get to my pockets to take my shit. I kicked him out of the way and got out of the choke hold, spinning around towards them. We struggled for a few minutes until I came up with the bright idea to go fucking crazy. I screamed as loud as I could and fought back until they eventually backed off and started walking away. This would be have been the perfect opportunity to get away. But since I'm a jackass and I was so pissed, I instead walked towards them and started yelling at them. So...we fought again. But this time I fell and hit my face on a brick ledge/planter. The bigger guy jumped on top of me and gave consistent punches to my head while the smaller guy reached underneath and grabbed my wallet. I have a chain wallet and distinctly remember him pulling at it. My wallet has a washer where the chain connects, so it's pretty secure. But over the years, the hook that connects the chain to the wallet started to come loose. Eventually it gave, and the guy grabbed my wallet. The rest of the story is really blurry. I kinda blacked out. I remember swinging around just as my wallet broke loose...then, I had somebody's shirt in my hand...and then I was chasing them both down 19th.
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I called 911 and Alex, filed a police report. My face was bruised and bloody, but we all agreed that I shouldn't call an ambulance. I don't have insurance and could never afford hospital care. I would have gone home, but my keys and wallet were missing.
Not too long afterwards, the cops caught the two guys. They drove me over to them in their cop car and I identified them, which was a lot harder than I thought it would be. They were wearing the exact same crappy baggy jean shorts that I remembered and they were both shirtless, but I had somehow combined all their physical characterstics into one person. But it was them.
Then I returned to the scene of the crime with one of the officers and found my keys and my wallet too. The officer pointed out that the wallet was still snapped shut, indicating that they were never able to even get into it. But when we opened it, there was money missing...which confused me because I couldn't imagine how they were able to do all that so quickly. But my memory was blurry and my money was clearly missing, so...I just accepted it. The officer took pictures of everything and was all done. I still wanted to hang out with Alex, and I wasn't going to let some thugs from preventing me from doing what I wanted to do. I told the officer that I was going to meet my friend so that...he could walk me to my car. He laughed, "You can still go out if you want to. You're allowed; it's Ybor City." All the officers I dealt with were awesome.
I met up with Alex and had a pretty good time, despite my fucked-up jaw. When I got back to my car, I found my money just sitting in the center console. I had completely forgotten to put it in my wallet. I found this to be infinitely hilarious. As I drove off in my uncontrollable fit of laughter, I hit the curb and sliced my tire. I pulled over and inspected my tired, which was completely flat.
So there I was, nearly 1AM changing my flat tire on practically the same street that I got jumped just hours earlier.
And here's my own artist's rendition of the incident, recreated in the style of Street Fighter II:
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