#ydgaf

[sackitallaff]

2 more days then FIVE DAYS OFF then two days in then THREE DAYS OFF them five days in then FINISHED FOREVZ and time to start my NEW LIFE!!!! I'm so excited about my future and it doesn't scare me at all that it's all mapped out even down to pretty much exactly when I want to put a deposit down for a home of my own. Who am I? Never thought I'd be up for that kind of stuff but now that it's all coming together there's nothing I want more than: •Enough money to be comfortable •A cute home on the west coast of Scotland by the sea that I can use as a base to spend quality time with family and friends when I'm not away at sea (and that my mum can live in too so she can sell up and enjoy her retirement to the full) •A varied career that I love and which allows me to adventure and travel and have loads of new exciting experiences. •To be healthy and have a good routine. •To explore my creative side more and more •Maybe to get a partner who I can share it all with (but this is absolutely not essential to my happiness)

[sackitallaff]

Just applied for four cadetships and now I'm so nervous and worried that I've made mistakes or I sound like an asshole or my photo was shite or something else that means that I'm not going to get on any of them. And it turns out three of them were all part of one over-arching company so I've probably only actually applied for TWO and the one that I applied for three times is prob gonna think I'm too keen and ingenuine (is that not a word? Apple doesn't think so...) cause I wrote the same pish on all three but changed the name of the company on each one to say I really really really wanted a cadetship with them. Awwww man :( I hope they don't make me wait forever before they get back to me. I want this so so SO BAD. On a happier note I have had the most amazing three day weekend being productive but in an enjoyable way and just hanging out with my mum and family and not going out getting wasted and I haven't missed that at all. Caught up on my sleep and feel refreshed for work tomorrow (even though I'm not at all happy about going back because it's boring as shit and quite soul destroying). Hope I get a cadetship starting in January so I can gtfo of there at Xmas.

[sackitallaff]

I am just so content, and happy in myself, it’s such a lovely feeling.

I have had the most truly amazing year and a half of travelling and working in various places/countries, meeting incredible people and having unforgettable experiences. I feel like I’ve grown so much and learned how to truly love myself.

I finally feel ready to settle down and get a “real job” and be comfortable. I could have never imagined myself in this place a year ago but I’m so glad I’ve got here. I keep fantasizing my life after August when I’m back home and around all my wonderful friends etc. But first I will finish my season in beautiful Chamonix and then have one more HUGE adventure sailing from the Caribbean back to the UK, via Bermuda and the Azores! 

God, I am just so fucking happy.

[sackitallaff]

Last night I had a dream that my friend wanted to borrow a games console from me so I went into my brother's bedroom where he had like 5 consoles so I gave her his Playstation 2. When I asked her why she wanted it, she told me it was because she had so many skateboards lying around but couldn't skate (so wanted to practice on Tony Hawks). I asked her why she didn't just go out in the street and pracice and I noticed from her facial expression that it was because she was worried about what people would think of her. My reply was to go on this huge massive rant about fuck what anyone thinks of you etc etc and ended it with "AND ANOTHER THING! FUCK THE PATRIARCHY!" and stuck both my middle fingers up as I shouted it. I felt so badass. 

The amount I don't want to regarding going to work tonight is a lot. I was supposed to be off and be spending the evening lying in bed with my girlfriend. :( Why didn't I just say no fucksake. :(

[sackitallaff]

Occsionally I get all worried and anxious because WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE? but then I remember that I am doing exactly what I am doing and that is fine. No one else can tell me that I'm not where I 'should' be in MY life because it is MINE not their's. And actually, no one is really even bothered where I am in life, it's just the pressure that I sometimes put on myself that makes me freak out. But it's nice because these moments of terror are far less frequent than they used to be and whenever those thoughts pop into my head these days, I can counteract them by calmly telling myself that everything is OK. I am living my life, 'going with the flow' and enjoying my time here on earth. I have a job which is by no means anything remotely like a 'career', but it's money. I have a roof over my head and a bed to sleep in (even if it is only a 1.5 bed between me and my girlfriend but that's fine, it just means sometimes I wake up to my girlfriend accidentally pushing me off the bed and onto the floor) and I have food to eat and everything is going to be just fine. 

[demmitlah]

Kadang kadang bila hati kental sangat, orang akan pikir kau ni kuat sangat. Tapi bila hati mula pudar - jatuh tertiarap sekali menonggeng, tiada siapa yang tahu. Tiada. Kau yang aku sayang pun tak pernah tahu. Dan tak mungkin tahu.

[sackitallaff]

FUCKING DONE

with this place now. Everything and everyone just annoys me now. 10 sleeps until I can leave and it can't come soon enough. Get me to Sweden and my girlfriend. This has been the longest 2 months of my life since she left.

[sackitallaff]

Things

• My new roommate is one of the greatest people I've met in a long time. She's incredible kind, funny, caring and clever. She's also really fucking daft and clumsy and just basically Bridget Jones. My initial judgement of "Southern English, straight girl who likes champagne and cocktails" was pretty spot on tbf, but I did not realise that she could also be fucking great. Oh and she is not so straight anymore as she's now p much in a relationship with one of my best pals who is a girl. Yay. Ha. • There is only like 7 weeks left of the season and I'm really excited about them because as mental as it can be at times, I really love this weird little place so much. Esp now Brooke's here and I get hundreds of cuddles and also my very good pal Stu might be staying out for the rest of the season too (he's only meant to he here for busy periods). And also rain cloud people who I work with are leaving to go home soon cause they're not happy here. So that's gr8. •I have officially signed up to sail to Portugal in May and then sail across the Atlantic in October. Oops. •I think I want to find the love of my life now. I'm ready for u where r u bby? •I should be so asleep as tomorrow is half term transfer day and it's going to be quite a shneider.