Dear Future Self - March 7, 2022
Dear future self... it’s been weeks. I told myself that I was going to try to write every two - three weeks, or twice a month so I could reflect back on this next year, but it’s been 6 weeks. There is a LOT to catch up on (hence why this should be done every few weeks Jenn!). I’ve finally been paid out and all but the final divorce papers have been done to date. I have filed my taxes for the last three years and with everything, I will be debt free (besides my beautiful car, Wanda). That’s an amazing feeling that I wasn’t sure I’d have. Now that I am, or nearly am as I wait for my tax return, I can honestly say I don’t want to get myself to that point again. Lawyers aren’t cheap, that’s for sure, but it’s truly made me realize how I will never allow myself to be with someone that isn’t good with money and doesn’t know how to budget properly. I am still living where I work, mind you it’s still winter so lets be real. But I have talked more about moving out with Cody eventually but I have to figure out what that looks like. Sweet old Nate. How I was so quickly falling head over heels for him, reminding myself not to fall too fast at any point I could remember. It’s been 3 months, which is wild because it’s really felt like 8 or 10 by now. I know that man probably more than I had ever really known Trav, that’s kind of really sad to acknowledge out loud. I’ve been going to visit him for probably the last 6 or more weeks? Do we see a pattern here on why I hadn’t written in 6 weeks? Hmm. But really, our times together have honestly been so refreshing. I don’t feel like I have to pretend to be someone or pretend to be happy, I’ve genuinely been happy. I know it’s still so early in the stages but I can look back to the early stages with Trav and I remember the first even several months up to the first year that we were together and we really did argue or fight every other week. It stemmed from the root of me just not trusting him and really that should have been the first red flag (clearly I wanted to see how red that flag could get okay). I think what truly hit the nail with Nate was the night I had told my sister about him which was a night he went out with his brother for drinks and “barley” text me back, that was the first night he hadn’t texted me a goodnight, like he always did, so my anxiety went into over drive and I ran my brain into thinking he had brought home a girl and didn’t care for me anymore or was at least hiding it. The next morning yeah, I wasn’t the most pleasant and I cancelled my plans and stayed in bed till 11am because I didn’t sleep the night. Lets compare how Trav would have reacted to how Nate did. Trav would have woken up pissed at me. Would have easily given me the silent treatment just because I didn’t text him first the next morning. He would have been grumpy and would have made me do everything to reconcile whatever it was, even if he had no idea that I was actually upset about something. Nate, he still texted me first, and he did ask if I was okay, I chose to be a bigger person than my anxiety and told him my anxiety went overboard and I didn’t sleep and told him how because he didn’t say goodnight that I thought maybe he was already onto the next girl and that I realized I had trust issues but it wasn’t fair to project them onto him. His response? He wanted to know my triggers, why? Because he wanted to know how he was able to better comfort me in knowing that I could trust him, and that if I ever started feeling that anxiety again to just ask him because he wasn’t afraid to tell me and that he wasn’t going to hurt me like that and lie. Crazy man, I haven’t had someone ever say that to me and it blew my mind. Honestly that bit of reassurance and what he said just solidified my sense of self worth. That over years and years, the feeling of nagging and constantly having to question and ask Travis where and what was going on and yet still not trusting what he said because 7/10 I would still later find out what he said wasn’t true or half a lie had taken such a toll on me and my worth that I began to feel like I was destined for stupidity. That I would forever be stuck in a relationship that I wouldn’t trust and that I felt that it was MY issue. It was always MY fault that I didn’t trust him and when I ever questioned him, I got back lash of “well if you don’t trust me whatever then” and sarcasm and the ultimate guilt trip that ended up with me feeling like an asshole that I even asked because why could I not trust my own husband? Dang I might have just hit a lightbulb moment typing that out and really realizing that, a lot stems from my lack of trust and the trust issues over the years that I’ve been made to feel though I’m in the wrong for asking, so therefore moving forward I feel like I should never question something because thats my issue, not because there’s an actual issue there and my gut and instinct did in fact pick up on it. Interesting. Anyways, enough of my rant. The last few months have been pretty great. I just got back from Whistler for Nate’s work trip, that was interesting. Honestly, I feel like it was really good to go. I wouldn’t say that it’s made me not want to be in any relationship any time soon, but it’s definitely made me re-evaluate and re-assess and want to take things really slow. It’s made me realize that I really don’t want to be in a serious relationship and I still want that freedom of not having attachments. But part of me also believes that to a degree that’s how a relationship should be? Not as in to not be attached, but I guess just in a way that I still am my own person. I told Nate one of my biggest things was that I do not want to be loosing my independence, and neither does he which is great, again we’re on the same page, but the freedom of going out or making plans and not having to report to anyone, took a long time to feel it was okay. Sometimes I still get hung up and wonder if I need to be calling my mom and telling her where I am because I haven’t told anyone and that feels wrong. It’s weird to feel that, but as time goes on, it’s been pretty wild to start to feel that freedom of doing and making my own decisions without having to consult someone or worry that it might not fit with them. He’s said before that he doesn’t ask for permission, which I get, I dont want to feel that I need to be asked for my partner to go out with friends or go do something, but I guess until or if that ever happened and got to that point it would be interesting to see how I handled that because that’s the opposite from my ex. Not that it was healthy for Trav to ask me to go out, but again it goes back to that trust. Trusting that the other person isn’t going to just go out and do something that A they know you hate and wouldn’t be okay with in general but B that they’re not going out to hurt you and sneak behind your back, which I feel part of me the reason why Trav asked me was because he was the one that didn’t feel confident in himself that he wouldn’t do something like gamble or come home belligerently drunk. Asking for permission makes it feel like they dont trust themselves and on top of that, it gets used against you later. Trav did that to me a lot, he would ask for permission to do something and then later if I got upset when he’d “ask to go have some drinks but then come home absolutely hammered, its the finger pointing game of “well, you said you were okay with it so you cant be mad at me now” even though there was a line, with him at least because he had hard addictions. Anyways, I’m rambling again on absolute nonsense and random shit. I’ve just realized over this time that I’m not ready for that commitment, part of me yes desires it but I do feel and know that I’m not ready and I still need time and taking things slow at least is the best idea. What bothers me, which I mentioned to Chrystal even, is the give and take. By no means am I thinking or even wanting, let alone talking about moving in any time soon, but I can’t tell his joking about moving out there. The joke about starting to look now because it will take 6 months to find a place, okay but why would I even play with the idea to move there if we’re not even together? Nothing is official, we’re not dating, so why would I pack up my entire life and move away from my family and leave a job I’m happy with to start a new life with someone that I don’t even know yet that I’d marry? Again, I get that long distance sucks ass, it really does and if it were more than 4 hours I probably wouldnt even still be seeing him, but the space is still good at this time while we still figure things out and clean up our past lives. It’s just tough to think that I could tickle the idea of moving and finding my own place and then still spending 4? 5? days or nights at his place? I mean I have no idea what that would even look like, but lets be honest, I already stay with him for the weekends, so why would I not be staying some nights? So why would I spend a large amount of money on an expensive place to live when I would be spending half or more time at his place? Boundaries, that’s what would really be needed. I just can’t think to justify that and again, I am getting way too ahead of myself because I’m not even moving there, we’re not even dating. Who the heck even knows what we are, but I’m not about to ask because right now, I don’t really want to have that conversation and I don’t want to know that answer. Now, outside of all that, work is crazy, life is crazy and I’m still just trying to take it one day at a time. This whole condo thing is getting to me now though. I really feel I’ve been chill and mellow and not putting up any crazy stink on anything but I swear man, I get where Meliss is coming from with wanting to hand over the keys, and that she’s exhausted of dealing with this, but how the hell would it be okay to just forfeit our investment just because you dont want to deal with it anymore and because you dont want to keep putting an extra few hundred towards the place each month even though we could find a tenant that would rent it and cover the mortgage. Now that Steven has made up his mind about how he’s handling this (which I do understand but thats a whole other story of hurt and disrespect there) he’s not around to be badgering Meliss anymore. Going forward, like Nate explained that the line wasn’t my or Steven’s fault that Meliss used the money on it, so why are we paying the cost of it by loosing money on the sale by being deducted that amount and that comes out of our portion, that doesn’t make sense anymore. I’m glad Nate brought that point of view but man, Meliss is so damn fragile that I honestly have no idea how I’m to bring that up to her. It honestly is starting to scare me. & i really want to trust and believe that God is going to come through and find the perfect purchaser for this place and that we are going to sell within the 3 months, but I am so scared if we don’t, that she’s going to make that choice to hand in the keys to the bank and then I dont know... I know steven might never forgive her for that, like that would be an ultimate relationship breaker for sure, even though God’s forgiveness could overcome that but dude, that would really make me uncomfortable. & just the fact that she’s even talking about it sooner and sooner these days even after 2 months of it on the market... like you really just want to wash this away and be debt free (which I can understand yes) but at the cost of completely loosing and throwing away your brother and sisters investment? That’s a big cost to throw when we’re not on board. I don’t appreciate how whomever it was put that thought in meliss’ head to just hand in the keys, maybe the girl had no idea that there are other people involved with ownership. Like unless she were to make a deal or plan that she would pay me out whatever I invested in the first place 14 years ago like okay maybe I’ll consider it, but to completely be throwing away the money for what reason? I just dont think that would take the burden off her. I dont know. But man, I really hope and pray God has a plan because this shit is getting scary. I’m still not ready to fully talk about Steven yet because I’m still so offended and angry at how he responded to me and has just cut me off but that will be a post for another day. Man, these are crazy times and I dont know what’s in store for this year. But moving closer into the year being financially in a better position does make me feel better and I thank God for coming through with all he has so far. The future is scary but I am excited to see what God has in store because I trust that he has great plans.