You’re led down the hall by a staff member early in your day at TRC Entertainment, to Tiger JK’s office. When you step into the room, he’s seated behind his desk, appearance far more casual than would be expected of a company CEO. He motions for you to sit just as casually, and the lawyer you recognize from when you first signed your contract crosses his arms from where he stands beside the desk.
“Now,” he begins, more seriously than typical of him. “We both know your two years in TRC have been…interesting, to say the least. You’ve had your ups and downs…but I still believe in your talent. I know you want to be here, and I think you can still become an artist, but you’ve gotta turn your life around for that to happen.”
[trigger warning: mentions of mental health]
He shakes his head a little, then shuffles through papers on his slightly messy desk. “We’re going to let you stay in TRC, but there are a few new terms on your contract you need to follow. You have to keep going to therapy, at least once a month, until we say otherwise. You have your phone and your freedom back now, but all of the PR managers will still be watching you better than the journalists and sasaengs will, so be careful with that. You have to come into training every day within the schedule, and there will be consequences if you miss any training time without giving us a notice ahead of time. We also reserve the right to terminate this contract at any time if there are any problems. Got it?”
He sighs, like he’s tired of hearing his own voice, and slides a folder with your new contract, specifically marked where each new signature is required, toward you. “Everything I said is in there too,” he mumbles.
Sept 1st. 2016
She didn't know why she had thought someone would pounce on her as soon as she walked through the door. As if they would be waiting for her to walk through to the doors. No one did in fact, she walked through the halls with her head as per her recent style. Everything went by like clock work, it felt strangely off for her own personal d-day. Honestly it was nerve-wracking, did the company want to scare her like this? It was working because time seemed to be dragging second by second.
By eight she was ready to march into someone's office and ask what happened. She also had hoped they simply forgot about her. Maybe she had been silent enough to slip into the cracks. All she had to go was by careful. The thought didn't raise her spirits, Yubin had almost dismissed it as soon as they came. No, they wouldn't waste time on her like that.
It had to been an hour but when she looked at the time only thirty minutes had passed. Her hand was on the nob of door to her next class when a voice she knew all to well called out to her. And it only took a second later to know that this was it. Slowly she turned around and for a second she met Coach Gun's eye. It only took a second for him to give her a small smile, a rare but it was there.
It didn't give her any hope because the next second his face had it's normal indifferent look. Then they were walking almost side by side, she trailed after him a little. It was only prolonging what was going to happen but the fear was there. This could be her end or a new beginning. If only one sign pointed to a positive outcome she might have latched onto it. But nothing could make her think otherwise. So each step she was just a little bit behind.
If her coach noticed he didn't say anything. Even as other kids passed them he only nodded his head and only spoke if it was another coach. Sometimes she would meet someone's eye and still hate. Maybe they this was her last day too? Some might even through a party, she would be officially gone from TRC, something even they failed too do. Even if her will had been their she couldn't do anything if they cut her.
Those thought's lingered with her until she came to her CEO's door. There wasn't a chance given to her as the door opens and only the worse rushes into her mind. Jinseok walked in first and she followed, still two or three steps behind. It sink's in that's she's really in his office when the door of the door closing fills the room. Her eyes dart across the room before they land on Tiger JK himself. For a second she want's to laugh, he looks at home in his office. While he looked as if they were meeting for a friendly chat and not her contract. Yubin felt as if the walls were closing in around her, this could be her last moment as an trainee under this label.
It's when she sits down at the she finally notice's the other person in the room. There's only a moment to take him when she turns around to see that her coach left. Yubin was sure she would have noticed but he slipped out. Why didn't he stay? Even if it only took a second for her to be cut he could be there. But he wasn't and it was just the three of them. Nothing could leave her mouth, should she even speak first right now? Everything in her mind had been replaced with questions and doubt, nothing was able to process.
His first few words sound like buzzing in her ears and it takes a moment to really focus on his words. There had been praise and scolding, was this final advice for her? Just in case she came across another company willing tot take the chance?
Her mind went blank, as soon as he said they would keep her. For a second her breath stopped and faintly she can hear him still talking. A few sentences stand out but Yubin was still trying to control her breathing. When she could manage to look at up him she's mumbling. Once again, her mind was a bit shock. It was a humbling moment for her. This was most likely his personality but her seen mumbled to her. A trainee who had made a bad name for herself under his company.
Maybe her emotion's were too haywire but she couldn't process a single thing. It felt like an out of body experience when she saw her hand move towards the pen. It shook a little but somehow she willed herself to calm down and sign in every place she needed. Maybe she should have asked about or read but she was scared that this chance could be gone any moment. There would be a chance to get a copy.
When she finished she could feel her body standing straight up. Her body bowed on it's on. Her tongue felt thick in her mouth and it felt like an extra effort to speak. Still the word's came out because it was all she could say. No long speeches, nothing but those two little words that summed up everything.
"Thank You."
Then she was dismissed and she couldn't get out the office fast enough. For a moment she thought she was going to be sick but her feet pushed towards the stairs that lead to the roof. Her cell phone had only been back for three days but she hadn't made any calls. Now her hands couldn't put in the pass code fast enough.
Quickly she wanted to put in as much distance between her and that office as possible. As if they'd call her back and tell her it was big joke. It felt as if they further she got away the safer she was. If she moved quickly they couldn't stop her and say it was a lite. But every few second's she looked her shoulder and didn't see anyone there was hope. It was real, TRC the company that could have kicked her out wanted to resign. Tiger JK didn't want to give up her. This was a dream, but she'd fight to stay asleep. If this was only a dream then she refused to wake up.
It was a sting on her face that made her realize she was outside. The wind hit her face again and it only took a second to feel the wetness. Without even knowing it her feet carried her to the roof and her tears started to fall out her eyes. For a moment her throat felt clogged and she couldn't take in fast enough. It didn't stop her pressing her speed dial, wanting to hear the other woman's voice on the line.
By now her sobs had been reduced to coughs and hiccups. At the last second when she was about to hang up and try again she heard her mother's surprised voice.
"Yubin?"
"M-mom.."
"What's the matter? Where are y-"
"They resigned me."
"What?"
"Today, it was up. They re-signed me, I'm still at TRC."
"Baby..you did it, I'm proud of you. I love you."
It only took those few words to send her into a fit of tears. She just stood there, in one of her favorite spots, her mother whispering into her ears. Tear's were running down her face but she couldn't think of a moment that she loved anymore right now.
You’re led into a TRC PR manager’s office again, much more calmly than the last time you were here. It’s the same manager, but there’s no yelling, and when you enter the office, no other instructors greet you. It’s just you and her, and it’s quiet. The air is still tense, but not nearly as overwhelming as when your last scandal broke.
The manager doesn’t say a word; she just opens the drawer of her desk and pulls out your phone you haven’t seen in months. She hands it over to you carefully. “You’ll want to charge that,” she comments before sighing and clasping her hands together on the desk in front of her once you take your phone back.
“You’ve managed to stay out of the news, and despite some outbursts, you’ve stayed under the radar. You listened to us, and hopefully you learned not to make the same mistakes again. You can consider yourself officially off of lockdown. You can use your phone again and use your time outside of training as you see fit now, but that doesn’t mean we give you permission to act out. Hopefully that goes without saying, but please, Yubin-ssi, continue to be careful. You may only be a trainee, but you still represent TRC Entertainment, and your behavior affects its reputation.”
She lets the words hang in the air for a moment, then nods her head. “You’re free to go now. Thank you.”
It was never a great experience being told she was wanted in the PR office, even as they lead her there. No yelling, no cursing, no anything her body refused to ease his the discomfort and think some happy thoughts. No all she could remember was being yelled, being told she had a ban on her life and her cell phone being taken away from it. It was all an horrible experience, something she didn't want to repeat but it would be her luck. Another scandal hit the news and she would be in the center.
Maybe this is how they could cut her?
Her looming contract renewal had been on her mind for the past two months, everyday felt like it was dragging. If they wanted her out, she wanted it to be done quickly. Just the thought sent her stomach jumping and she had to try and fight back the wave of panic. It had happened like this for the past days, it had only gotten worse. There was no day she hated more then September first right now. She had hated it for being so close but being just as far away.
There was one thing that was clear, the trust in her was still at at all time low.
Even though they saw her to the doors, and she had on hand on the handle. The two with her didn't leave, even as she looked at them they seemed to be waiting for her to step foot into the office before they thought it was safe to walk away. Did she suddenly become a flight risk? And what would they lose if they lost her? What did Yubin Kim add that TRC didn't have?
It was amazing, just how much the scandal had changed the way they treated her. Even as she closed the door Yubin wondered would they be back to make sure she got to whatever lesson's on time. The thought only lingered in her mind for a moment before she turned to the problem at hand. Nothing was said for a while so she moved to sit down on her own, every so often she her eyes would stray back to the manager in front of her but they stayed on her office. The last time she didn't have a chance to take it all, but now it seemed as if she had all the time in the world.
It wasn't something she wanted.
Then she was moving and what could it be? Out of all the idea's she had in her mind, her cell phone wasn't it. There was barely enough will power to keep her jaw off the ground. Was it a trick? But when she reached for it, the woman didn't pull it away from her. Yubin was stunned, too stunned to even think about the other's comment. It could have been an attempt at an joke, a way to smooth things over but it fell on mostly deaf ears. Even the feel of her phone had been something she missed. It was strange, the way it felt now but it was comforting. An old friend she hadn't been able to see in a long time.
Slowly her brain processed the rest of the information the manager was telling her. She looked at the other, trying to give the utmost respect but her mind was on this new development and what it could mean. It might have been a good two or three minutes before she reacted and stood up, a small bow was given. "You're welcome, thank you."
Yubin wasn't sure if the woman was expecting a long speech or anything more but it wasn't her style, it wasn't even something she could think about. As she opened the door she noticed that no one ( thankfully ) was waiting for her outside, she was able to pocket her phone and keep it moving. At least it was lunch, she found herself in the recording studio, her body was moving before she could even think about. Her hands went into her backpack to grab her charger it seemed like it was taking to long to plug it up and for the screen to light up.
Excitement finally died down and she could only stare at the device in her hand, something about seemed to good to be true, her punishment was over but she was sure it was going to last? Did this mean they had given up on her? She endured well until the end but even after seeing her talent, maybe she was too much of the risk for the business to invest too.
Her time was coming up in less than a week. Right now should have been a happy moment, tears should have come down her eyes but she was only left with a bittersweet taste in her mouth, this could be her end.
Hey brother, there’s an endless road to re-discover.
TW: Depression, Mentions Of Self Harm
He wasn't her official therapist, no she tried one but in the end Yubin felt like she couldn't trust anyone there. In fact she felt like she couldn't trust anyone, if just one person was to find out her secrets then she would be done for, there was a limited supply and there would always be. Instead she would just talk to her mom's friend. Just a simple conversation, he worked in the field but she wasn't under his care, not officially at least.
Of course Yubin couldn't be seen going to his office, that would cause too many rumor. In her head at least, a lot of it was in her head. Maybe she was officially crazy and she could hide herself in her room, it was to the point she couldn't trust the other places in her house, it was fear that someone was peeping through the windows, she couldn't breath. Even in her own room, she blocked the window.
The only person she told this to was her mother, that's why she was in her mothers private study staring into the eyes of her friend. There was little expression her eyes, mostly distrust. He was her mothers friend, not hers. How could she trust that he wouldn't say something to the first news outlet he saw? She'd be ruined, her mother would be ruined, her father would hate her even more.
"I'm not going to say you can trust me." His words had no reaction from her.
"But your mother is a close friend, I was there when your father had his affairs..I'm here even when he still has them." That wasn't a shock to her, Yubin knew no matter what his father wouldn't be able to keep it in his pants, he loved playing around to much. Her parents marriage had become nothing but a show for the public.
Her mother was faithful though, she was always faithful.
"I have my own secrets and your mother knows them, if anything we talk about...she'll spread it across the papers and it could hurt my family. You don't have to trust me but trust your mother." That melted her a little but she still didn't say anything.
"Are you willing to give me a chance?"
Give him a chance? No one had asked her for something in a while, no one had given her an option in a while. When the news first got out no one came to her, no one wanted money. There wasn't an option to cover it up, they forced her to be in the public's eyes once again. The trainer's didn't give her a chance to plead her case, the kids at TRC hadn't given her the chance to talk. TRC hadn't even given her the chance to leave, she was more than sure if they told her to go, the those first few days she would have fled. But he was here, giving her the option to talk to him. Giving her the option to have someone to vent too, someone who held secrets that could be bigger than her own, he was taking a risk.
Should she?
"I want to hurt myself." Her words were barely above whisper but it was easy to hear it in this room.
A smile appeared on his face, he could understand, this was her giving him a chance. And it was only one chance. Nothing was said for a bit and Yubin realized he was just going to let her talk.
"I used to hurt myself a lot when I was traveling. It was an easy thing to do, no one wanted me. I could hurt myself, I could die and Kim Yubin would be just another person who lived and died." Her voice sounded wrong to her ears, even when Mijoo died was she this defeated? Her words didn't hold pain, anger, fear. You couldn't find any emotions, they were blunt and uncaring.
"I tried to kill myself, a few times. There was someone or something there to stop it always. I always hated that person, why force me to live when I just wanted to breath. It felt like death could bring me that. I'd be free, I wouldn't suffer. It's a sin but in those moments. I'd rather burn in hell then live." It almost felt like when she started writing free-form, once she started it didn't stop.
But her voice didn't change, no it wasn't something she thought lightly off. But she couldn't care anymore, at any moment she had to thought her life away and you couldn't do that filled with emotions, she already cried, she already cursed. Now she accepted it, this wasn't something she was able to bounce back from.
"I did hurt myself." It was only one time, she didn't do it again but GOD she wanted to. "In front of the kids I train with, I cut my arms. I wanted to scare them, I wanted them to know it wasn't much they could do that I hadn't did to myself. But more than that, I wanted it. I just wanted it and I did....and I can't bring myself to regret it."
Yubin was happy to be able to talk, she couldn't talk like this to Sohee. Sohee would cry, she'd cry and try to fix it but Yubin was beyond fixing. "I don't want to eat, sometimes I can sleep but if I don't take the pill I wake up a few hours later. So I just sit, and sit and sit until it's time to leave the house. Sometimes I don't cover my dark circles, my hair is limp. I go to the gym because I have too. I can like it sometimes but it's something I do because it's in the rules. I go home and stare at the knives sometimes. I think about ending it. It would be simple. My roommate is a trainee, I could do it when she wasn't at home. Sometimes I think my car is better, then way she wouldn't have to see it. I think about it a lot, even when I talk to people. I ask myself, will today be the last day? I want it to be the last day."
He still hadn't said anything but she really hadn't given him room to talk, sometimes she looked to see if he was writing anything down but his focus was on her. It made her feel a bit better, to know that her thoughts weren't being recorded.
"I'm tired, I'm really tired. I can't get enough sleep when I do. But then again, I don't like to sleep. I can't trust sleeping even then I can only think about my life. I don't like it, I don't want it." It was amazing that the words just came out, no filter no trying to make it easier on the person listening.
"You can depression. I guess. I'm depressed. If I let myself think about it. I'm sad. I'm upset but I don't think about them, I don't like to feel the emotions, so I don't. They come every once in a while. Then they move on and I'm empty again. I like being empty. It's an easy thing to do." It shouldn't have been easy but Yubin didn't feel like fighting anymore, what was the point in it.
"They made fun of me for not being picked, my coaches tried to rub it in my face, they tried to make me feel bad but I wanted to shout, I wanted to tell them I didn't care. Why would I want to lead a team? Why would I want anyone to turn out like me. I'm nothing, just Yubin Kim. A girl who could vanish and no one would really notice. It might be talked about for while but they'll forget."
Yubin was about to open her mouth even more but he stopped her. "You're lunch break is over. You're mother told me you had to be back by a certain time." It was only then she took a chance to look at the time, it passed quickly. There wasn't a fuss and she got up without a word. He stopped her before she could open the door, so he hand rested on it. "Would you like to talk to me again?"
Talking to him was easy enough. "Yes."
He stopped her again and normally Yubin might have been annoyed, but right now she didn't care. If he kept, she wouldn't have to go back, she'd get in trouble but she' be free.
"Would you like me to talk to your mother, would you like me to tell her what we talked about?"
"No." If her mother heard anything, it would be from her and he accepted that. Nodding his head a few times and she finally left. There wasn't a light feeling in her chest, just acceptance that someone could listen.
"...Thank you." Yubin was out the door before he could respond.
Over lunch break, you’re asked to join some of your coaches in a video room for a private meeting. After a few minutes of waiting all by yourself, the instructors sit down with you and let you in on a little secret: this year’s MGA will be broadcast in a survival competition format, and some of the companies’ current trainees will have a special participation on the show.
“We’ve been planning this for months– discussing possible picks to be the coaches. You were in discussions, even after your scandal. We can’t deny that you’re talented, and that your experience on last season of the MGAs would be an asset on the show this season, but trainee participants will be coaches this year.” The instructor pauses to allow the words to sink in, then looks you over with a small shake of their head, and another coach speaks up.
“Yes, coaches; you would be asked to guide contestants on the show, and really, do we want anyone to follow in your footsteps? The public is still disappointed in your behavior, and frankly, so are we. Putting you in a position to guide potential additions to TRC would be an insult to those that take their training seriously here, and to the fans of our company. We called you here because we wanted you to know how close you were, and that your behavior has had actual consequences on your opportunities. We suggest you work on cleaning up your act before you lose even more than this. ”
They all shake their heads, like the entire meeting was a grave disappointment, then get up to leave, but not before telling you to get back to practice. After that, you’re left alone in silence.
It seemed as if she wasn’t moving fast enough, as always ( as of now ) her goal had been to disappear from TRC and allow herself to breath, even if she didn’t eat lunch and just went home to sit in her room. It was enough to make her sort of happy, and the door was close too, it would only take a few more steps but one of her coaches had called out her name and she wouldn’t lie and say she didn’t think about ignoring the voice. If she didn’t run around and kept pushing forward she could claim that she didn’t hear him.
And she knew it wouldn’t go over well.
Yubin took a long deep breath before she turned around. There wasn’t any fake smile given, all she could do was try and keep the annoyance out of her eyes as he motioned for her to follow him. And she did, not even putting up at fight. He dropped her off in some room and she plopped down, there was nothing to do but wait so her she kept her self busy with a game on her IPOD. Yubin didn’t even bother to look up when they entered into the room, yes they.
It just was one the who called her over but five of them. It clicked her mind, her contract wasn’t even up and they were going to kick her out. Not surprisingly, she didn’t wish for it to be something else like she did in the past, what was done was done she didn’t have the energy to care. When it seemed like they were ready to talk she shoved the gadget in her bag and sat up a little more, when would this be over?
Once they started talking, the ball got rolling. If they looked at her for any hint of expression they didn’t get one. No infact, she agreed whole hardheartedly. Yes she was talented, it was a fact but she wasn’t a person who needed to lead others and Yubin was fine with that. She wouldn’t want anyone get in trouble like she did, she would’t want anyone to get hurt like she did.
When they got up to leave she didn’t say anything just shrugged her shoulders and watched them go, of course she would have to get back to practice, they took up most of her lunch hours, she didn’t plan on eating but still it was a bit of free time. When they were all finally out she stood up to make her way to next her training class, ignoring everything around her while she thought about the scolding.
They hadn’t let her speak once and that was fine, because what they might have thought they were going to hear and what she was going to stay would be vastly different. Yes, if she could do this project she would and she would love it and there was bitterness at TRC for even telling her about it, but she deserved it but the feeling of caring about anything right now was something she lacked energy for. Right now she needed to train to stay in the company, she needed to work on her skills to grow and she needed to eat to stay alive.
Eat, sleep, train, work, go home. That was what was her goal right now, caring about if she was really living her life or the quality of it, those just weren’t important things right now.
I was born in a thunderstorm
I grew up overnight
I played alone
I played on my own
I survived
The cold bit into her and for the most part Yubin managed to ignore it. Shoving the thoughts of the cold back to her mind, it was the constant push and pull that kept her from thinking too much about her life at TRC. She was ready to be cut anymore, to straighten her back and walk out the doors as proud as she was when she came in. They could take away her chance but they couldn't take away her dream. The thought that Tiger JK didn't want her kept floating to the front of her mind and she pushed it back. No new wasn't always bad news and it wasn't always good news so she was forced to wait.
The wind blew past her and eyes trailed to the TRC building. Finally she would be back to regular programming for the most part. She wasn't really crazy, just tired and when pushed to the edge, she would always respond in kind. The halls were empty when she walked in and for a small moment she was thankful. It was easy to make it to her locker, throwing her bag in as she made her way to the classes. By now people had come out and a few pushed past her. The incident gone from some people's minds, others simply didn't care. She had been gone for long enough, enough time to let them regain their confidence.
Yubin didn't mind, it was like always. She sat outside the group, learning from a distance. Much to her couches delight when someone 'accidentally' splashed water on her, she did nothing but leave out the room. Her first stop wasn't the locker but the gym room. Here she could work out and take off her shirt and it would be alright. Everything would be fine. She told herself this as she upped the speed of the machine. After a few moments she wasn't sure if he feet were even touching it but she felt blood rushing, her breathing more labored. If she had to do this to make it, she would.
It felt as if she spent the whole day in the gym but she remembered walking to her next class at some point, and the one after that and the ones that followed that. When she finally came too, she was in front of her locker. Staring at her now ripped up book bag, the contents of her bag on the floor. When she crouched down to pick it up, she noticed the screen to her IPOD had been broken, in tiny pieces. Nothing let her mouth and she closed the locker back, only taking the earphones, IPOD, pencil case and what was left her notebook.
If anyone called out to, she didn't pay any mind. Her body pulling to her car, she thought that maybe the tears would start now. But all she found was that she was tired, reaching into the glove compartment she started to search around until she could find the one thing that could make everything better.
Since her very public display of how much she couldn't keep it together, Yubin had been wondering if she should still visit her CEO's office. It had been her plan to surprise him with the good news of her last surgery. It was something to be celebrated even if it was just her. It felt as if she finally paid her due's and really deserved to be at TRC. Just had simply wanted to thank him.
Then the news broke and she crashed harder than she realized. It was easy to take mocking jeers, and hate filled stares from the people that had been once close to her. But it wouldn't be easy to take his disappointment in her, because he and given her a chance when she wasn't going to be accepted anywhere.
After her sixth time passing by the door, she pulled the letter she had out and paused while she thought about it.
She was a coward.
Still, if he was in the office she'd have a chance to get away and if he wasn't, she'd still be out of sight. Taking a deep breath she paused it under the door and quickly walked away, her eyes downcast. She didn't know what it was but she wanted to tell him. Yubin could still remember every since line she wrote down.
Dear, CEO
I had wanted to tell you that I finished the last round of surgery and I'm freely able to wear short leaves and crop tops. I had wanted to thank you for not giving up on me, and giving me a way to truly earn my way into the company. I know I was a problem child but I tried. I really did. I think was doing fine, until my friend passed away. I hated TRC, I hated life and I hated myself. A friend pulled me together and I got back on my game. I thought I did, but I started to go back to my old ways, I was managing to hold on but I needed some sorta crutch.
I couldn't even begin to think how someone took pictures of me at the party, no one was allowed back stage and we didn't stop anyone. But that doesn't excuse what i did. I just wanted to have fun, honestly. I wanted to return to my roots and find the reason i wanted to make music again, it felt good just rapping in front of a crowd and feeling hype.
I got too caught in remembering the past.
I should be done by now, i'm just rambling now but I wanted to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you put trust in me and I didn't make anything of it. I'm sorry I couldn't focus on training and put the feelings in I had in the past and focusing on my new life. I'm also sorry, I couldn't handle the pressures and results of my failure. I know my contract is coming up and it will have been two years since I've been here.
Even if you chose to let me go, just thank you. It may not look like it, but the training and memories I've made here will stay with me and I'll treasure it. If you keep me on, I promise to try harder and keep the bad days good. Either way, you give me something in my life that no one else has for a moment I thought that I had a life worth living.
Just thank you.
Her name had been written out messily on the paper and a small tear stain dried at the corner. She wasn't able to come and say it to his face, and this would be her lasting memory but it was still hers.
A sigh left her mouth as she left out the building. She only had hope it ended up in his hands and not in the trash.
The news barely has time to hit the internet before your phone rings. You answer- it’s a number you recognize from work- and you’ve barely said hello when the screaming starts. The scolding is unintelligible, but the instructions are loud and clear. Get to the TRC offices, now.
When you arrive, you’re practically shoved into a PR manager’s office. Some of your other coaches are there as well, and they’re all glaring at you.
“What were you thinking?”
“How stupid can you be?”
“How dare you- under contract!”
They don’t give you any time to speak up for yourself as the scoldings continue. Noteably, no one ever asks if you were actually at the club, actually drinking, actually smoking something illegal; they just assume the worst.
“You are on lockdown,” the PR woman explains. “Hand over your phone. No phone for you until I say you can have it back. No internet, no nothing. No social life. No friends. You come to work, you go home. That’s it. Do you understand me?”
“And obviously she’s out of the Gayo Daejuns-” another coach starts.
“Are you insane?” the PR woman answers, livid. “If we put her in reflection, they’ll know she did it. The only way to handle this is to act like nothing happened at all. You sure as hell better practice for that Gayo stage, Kim Yubin. All eyes are going to be on you.”
It had felt like she just made it into bed and had a chance to close her eyes. The first time the ringing started, she thought it was her phone and made a point to ignore it, but the ringing kept coming until she looked at her phone. It seemed like a number for work and she paused before answering, honestly what did they want that couldn't wait until she walked through the doors.
The word 'hello' barely made it past her lips before there was intense yelling. All she could make out was get to TRC now, when the phone call was hung up, she laid in bed for a moment before throwing on the clothes that had been left on the floor. On her way, she could only wonder what happened and if other trainee's had been called their early. It was only a moment but that was all she needed. The kids who were around had been looking at her and then their phones and before she could over and ask, she was pulled into the office.
Yubin could barely say anything before they started yelling at her. The words passed quickly, it was becoming harder to keep up. All she could catch was the fact that she should have been removed from the gayo's and then shrill yells that she shouldn't sit out. Before she knew it, her phone was taken and she was being rushed out. No one had bothered to explain anything, and only rushed her in and out. Her eyes spotted a stray trainee who had a hard time, making it not obvious she was looking at Yubin. Quickly she walked over, "What is it?"
"How do you not know?" The girl asked, passing her phone to Yubin. "I was asleep and-oh my god." The girl gave a slow nod, "This is not happening to me." She muttered to herself, turning to go anywhere. It was the girls voice that stopped her and she gave the phone back with a sorry smile. "Well, they're going to fire me. It was nice working with you."
As she walked away, it felt like there wasn't anywhere to go. The Underground wasn't a safe space anymore and her mother had to been working.
She was having a wonderful dream, one where she wasn’t in Korea. It was just her, her mother and Mijoo traveling the world. They didn’t have to worry about anything but being happy. If she could, she would have stayed in the dream forever. But someone or something was trying to wake her up. She could knocks in the distance, slowly she pulled herself from her dream and looked up into the staring eyes of one the coaches.
It made her realize that she hadn’t left the parking lot last night and was asleep in her car. A small groan left her mouth as she opened the car door a little waiting for the other to back up. It was chilly when she stepped outside and all she offered was a sleepy glare.
“Would you like to go home and change?” But the question didn’t get a response as she made her way back into the building. Looking at her IPOD she saw she missed breakfast and went ahead to the vocal lessons. Thankfully everything was clear and all she had to was be there. The class passed by in a blur and before she knew it was time for lunch.
Again she skipped it, her body didn’t want food. She made her way to the bathroom instead and stared into the mirror. Her eyes were a little blood shot and her face lost a little color. She barely blinked when three girls walked in, and stood around her. “Hello ladies.”
“Shameless bitch.”
“Ah ah, Hyojin should you be using those words?” After she had the fight with the girl during the documentary she had left TRC and her three friends stepped up to send nasty glares her way.
“Do you know how much we suffered because of you?” One of them whined in a high pitch voice. Jinsil and lastly Soora had to be with them. Slowly she turned around to face the girls. “What are you gonna do? Beat me?” Maybe she shouldn’t bait them but what was the point in caring.
“Just teach you a lesson.” With a snap of her fingers, Hyojin had the girls grab her arms. Yubin just looked at them blankly, and followed along as they pushed open a stall. She could hear someone else come in but the girls paid no mind. Who wouldn’t want to see the girl who caused them the harsh punishment to suffer a bit. She could already see it coming, her head was forced into the toilet as they flushed it.
She was faintly aware that she was having a hard time breathing and maybe she should panic but she couldn’t muster up enough care. Just as they lifted her head she breathed deeply and soon she was under again. It happened a few times until her face and hoodie were drenched in water. When they finally let her go, she was pushed up against the sink and her eyes caught a trainee hiding from view. A smirk came to her face and she was sure the other thought it was for her.
Yubin saw the slap coming before he reached it face. It echoed around the bathroom and she just stared back at the other. “Didn’t you know I’m a crazy bitch, shameless too?” A little gathered in her mouth and she spit it out, touching her lip. “You’re pretty strong if you were able to draw blood.”
If anything it only pissed Hyojin off more and another slap and another. But it was fine, it honestly didn’t matter. Her mind was far away, it wasn’t the first time she took this type of abuse. “I can’t believe Kim Miyu gave birth to such a wasteful daughter. She must be a dumb bitch too.” That was a breaking point, her mother was an angle and this child had no right to talk about her but Yubin did her best to try and not attack.
“A bitch giving birth to a bitch.” The taunts continued you and she felt her hand forming into a fist. Before th other girl could even get the words out, Yubin punched her. There was silence in the room, everyone could only stare at her in shock. But it had a domino effect, she had just enough time to smile at the hidden trainee before Hyojin was on her, dragging her to the floor but Yubin was into her fight now.
She had landed on her back with the other on top of her but it took nothing to switch them around. Her friends only stared in shock not sure if they should do anything. While they were busy thinking about their loyalty. Her fist flew into the others face. “This is out you hit someone.” She stated, driving her fist into the others cheek.
It was almost fun to see the girls head turn back and forth. It was fun to watch her struggle. More importantly, she didn’t mind letting her anger take over, her breathing came out hard, but she didn’t stop. Hyojins pain only stopped when on of the girls finally pulled her hair, forcing her head back. The other took this turn to attack, laying out the same pain she was given. They brought her to her feet but that was a mistake, the second she had a chance she brought her legs up to kick the other. Forcing her back some, but she pulled herself away from the two holding her.
“Gotta do better than that.” There was almost a half crazed look in her eye as she faced the other too. Again Hyojin went for the cheap shot and pulled her back, her arms growing around Yubin’s neck. But there was a wall behind them and she did the only thing she could think of. While she was struggling to breath, she kept holding her head back, forcing the girl behind her to hit the wall, each hit she managed to get the grip around her neck to loosen.
It felt like it this would drag on forever until her coach came in and pulled them apart. Both states of the girl were horrible. Hyojin’s face was bust, her lips bleeding she was sure bruises would come. Yubin looked no better, just barely visible marks were around her neck, her face was wet with her hair sticking to her face, she was turning a light purple and her lips were busted and bleeding. Soon after two more coaches came in and she was forced to follow her too the office.
A towel was offered to her but she didn’t take it, her eyes blank and brooding. “A girl told me what happened in their.” It must have bee the stray trainee she saw.
“Yubin…I’m worri-”
“Please don’t.” The coaches words had been cut off as she struggled to remain polite. “Doesn’t bullying happen all the time? Don’t pretend to care. I hate that. At least I can respect those girls who jumped me. They were clear in their hate.”
“Yubin I-”
“Where you really at the club? Did you really smoke? Did you drink?”
Shock passed over the coaches face.
“Even if it wasn’t in front of the PR agent. These were the things you didn’t ask me, don’t pretend to care now. It’s the dumbest shit I’ve heard all day.” It was strange, she had always been respectful to the trainers.
“Yubin listen..we’ve talked and you seem to be-”
“Please shut up! If your going to punishment, do it. If your going to try and talk to me about your feelings, and how I seem to be falling apart. Take your flowery ass words and shove them up your ass.” Maybe it was due to the shock of hearing her talk that way, maybe it was due to the shock of Yubin cussing but nothing was said and she removed herself from the office.
People didn’t bother to hold their stares back, openly pointing to her face. Still with one glance they made a point to look away. It seemed like dance class was next but she continued forward to her car, searching for that little bottle that held her happiness, once she had the pills in hand and popped them into her mouth, she pulled out her make up kit and started to apply. She would go back inside looking as flawless as she could.
