why didn’t i do this sooner lmao since all the major fics i’ve published all connect together, i decided to put them all in one sweet post
all are teamiplier + jack + oc, last 2 fic are ethan x oc
all deal with anxiety and suicide, there’s warnings on triggering chapters!
STORY OF ANOTHER US: slight university au, platonic fic (playlist)
Bella Santiago is nervous by default. She’s a bit of a mess, honestly. Mentally, emotionally, and physically, she’s all over the place. Between battling with anxiety disorder, recovering from her past meltdowns, running her YouTube channel, and commuting between three different locations, she finds that she’s spreading herself thin. She’s slowly grown accustomed to living with her boyfriend, Mark, during the week along with his two other roommates (who also make her nervous), while she attends the widely known YouTube University. Just before the very last semester can start, Mark brings in another friend of his, Jack, who would be attending uni with her. To Bella, this is just another person she has to fear and then slowly get used to. She’s just not good with people.
STONE COLD: slight uni au, angst, platonic, slight romance (playlist)
It’s astonishing how quickly things can change. Just when Bella Santiago starts to believe that everything will be okay, it all gets taken away from her. Her boyfriend of ten months, Mark Fischbach, breaks up with her before she could even see it coming. So when Bella loses all the progress she made, she has to start from square one and build herself from the ground up. Luckily, her friend Jack moves back in with her just before she could really lose herself. But will that be enough for Bella to better herself? Or will there be more people and other factors to help motivate her?
YOU LOOK HAPPIER: slight uni au, platonic, romance, smut, angst (playlist)
She couldn’t even fathom the idea of being someone without any mental health problems. Bella Santiago, a person without anxiety? Not realistic. Bella getting her shit together and trying to live with the pain life has given her? Unheard of. Letting go of the past? Don’t know her. Bella falling carelessly in love with a person who genuinely feels the same way and also cares about her well-being? Not possible… except it actually is.
12 DAYS: soul swap au, platonic, angst, celebrity guest Tom Holland!! collab with @themarkiplierexperience (no playlist)
Two guys that lowkey hate each other are forced to walk in each other’s shoes in order to learn a lesson. I am linking this one because some stuff that goes on in here will be referenced in the next fic.
ON DAYS LIKE THIS: platonic, romantic, angst (playlist)
Between March and October of 2017, Bella Santiago can proudly say that she has accomplished a lot. She’s in a happy and healthy relationship with her honey, Ethan. She has more control over her anxiety than she’s ever had in her life. She’s taking on more opportunities and projects, like starting her own line of makeup brushes, travelling around the country for conventions, and even going on Markiplier’s You’re Welcome Tour with her friends and boyfriend. Her life has been a bit more hectic, but she is happy. But what will she do when she goes through a challenge she’s never faced before? Will she let it threaten everything she’s built up, or will she power through?
BONUS: MASTERLIST OF EXTRAS
bits and pieces that didnt contribute to the main fics.
hey i actually have a song for this chapter: Clean by Taylor Swift
“I am… so glad to be apart of the team,” I said in a stiff voice, a fake smile plastered on my face. I was facing the camera, but not looking directly into it. “I am honored to be… to be - I can’t read the card,” I added in a soft voice.
This was my “introduction” video to go on Mark’s channel. I was sitting in front of the camera that Ethan was holding, and I had to pretend like I was forced to read cue cards. But there weren’t any, and I had to improvise.
“I-I’m honored that Mark asked me to join,” I continued in that stiff, staged voice. “And-”
“No, no, no,” spoke the devil himself. “You begged me to join.”
“Right. I asked like, twelve times and they finally let me in!” I smiled in a way that screamed for help. You could say I was acting. “And I am… excited for all of you to see what I can contribute.” Awkwardly, I gave a thumbs up, my smile looking less and less convincing.
Then, Mark came and sat next to me. “Okay, okay. Honestly, though, Bella is one of us now, and I asked her to join. We’ve got some good stuff coming in the future. Also, we’re stranded in Boston!” He went on another tangent that was completely extra before finishing the video.
It was true, though. After PAX, our flight back to LA had been cancelled due to the blizzard. I wasn’t sure what was worse, being forced to be away from my home or the impending doom of having to get back on a plane. While I was able to function somewhat properly after a crying fit, I found myself wearing thin. I know, what else is new? That feeling was probably going to stick for a while, but I guess it’s apart of recovery.
We stayed at Amy’s friend’s house for the time being. At the moment, it was uncertain how long we would be here in Boston. Three days, possibly. I tried not to let that get to me. These things happen. They happen to everyone… except Signe, who got on her flight back to Denmark just before the blizzard hit. Jack would have gone with her, but it was still the middle of the semester. He did mention that they would be okay while he was still at uni, though.
Speaking of YouTube University, I wasn’t sure what my future was with that school. I mean, I was going to be on the road in a few months, on tour. I was going to have a hand in creating the show. I was going with them. It was safe to say none of us were returning to YouTube University in the fall. It felt weird to have future plans.
Since we had nothing else to do, we made a movie trailer. Mark, being Mark, got naked and sat outside in the snow. After all this time, I still didn't know what went on in his head sometimes, but you had to admit he was dedicated. It was fun, though. I got to contribute ideas… and hold the camera for most of the shots.
I also decided to properly look through my social media later at night. We all had to sleep in the living room of the small house, and it was the first time I had a moment of silence. I was stuck between Ethan and Amy, but they were both asleep already.
The same stalker photo of Ethan and I holding hands had been reposted many times. Added to that were professional photos from his signing. I was caught in the background in several of the fan photos, along with the selfies I took with some of them. The various captions are what made me smile, though.
“I met Bella at the signing!! She was so nice and she's so cute with ethan!!”
“THEY'RE SO CUTE OH MY GOD”
“Amyplier whomst? I only know ethella!”
“My new parents”
“I hope Ethan and Bella know we love and support them a whole lot :’)”
It was like a breath of fresh air. I was tempted to post that stalker picture on Instagram with the blue and sparkly heart emojis, but it was probably too soon for that. I knew some of my followers came from Ethan's community, yet I wasn't expecting them to be nice and supportive. It was a different reaction from my last relationship, that's for damn sure.
I let out an audible sigh, glancing at Ethan, who had already fallen asleep. I was still experiencing insomnia from being so far from home, so I sat up and tried to find more ways to keep myself busy.
“Can't sleep?” asked a quiet, deep voice.
I turned, finding Mark sitting on the couch. Last time I saw him, he was lying down next to his girlfriend.
“I won't sleep until we get home,” I replied as I locked my phone and shoved it under my pillow.
He nodded. “I still can't believe you actually came here. You got on a plane.”
“Yeah, and I had to resort to drinking in order to do it,” I told him as I crawled up onto the couch and sat next to him.
“You still did it, though,” he said. “You didn't back out of it. You accomplished a lot this weekend. You should be proud.”
I shrugged. “I guess I can't disagree.”
A silence fell over us, but it was comfortable. I had been alone with Mark plenty of times in my life. I hadn’t been alone with him in a room in a very long time, despite the fact that we had been around each other a lot lately. Well, even now we weren't exactly alone, but we were the only ones awake. Any other time, I would have gone to extreme lengths to avoid seeing him at all. But given the last couple of months or so, I was finding it easier to coexist with him. Here we were, sitting in the dark, with the other five asleep soundly around us. We knew this moment was inevitable, and while it was awkward, it was kind of liberating. As always, I wasn’t the one to start the conversation.
“Are you happy with him?” he asked quietly.
Moment of truth. Everything was already out in the open. Everyone knew about my suicide attempt, everyone knew about Mark’s plan to leave me before Amy came along, and everyone knew about me and Ethan. All that was left to do was tie up the loose ends.
“Are you happy with her?” I asked in response. It was bold of me to say that, and Mark knew it too.
He cracked a smile. “I asked you first.”
“Honestly? Yes,” I answered. “Actually, I think… I think this is the happiest I’ve ever been.”
Mark smiled wider. “That’s really good to hear. I’ve wanted to hear that since… I don’t know how long. You deserve to be happy.”
I couldn’t believe I was still fond of him after all this time. My heart swelled up at his words, but I didn’t want to dwell on myself for too long. “So what about you?”
“I’m absolutely the happiest I’ve ever been,” he said. “Not just with Amy - and she does make me very happy - it’s everything I’m doing. I finally feel like I’m doing something good, I don’t even have the words for it.”
“Good.” I was smiling so wide, it was hard to hide it.
“Do you still hate Amy?” It sounded lighthearted, but I took it seriously.
“I never hated her. All the anger and resentment was directed at you, no offense. I mean, it was hard. I won’t lie, that was the most devastating breakup I’ve ever had. And, I think there’s always going to be a part of me that will see her as the girl you left me for. But, for the most part, I’m over it, and I’m glad you two are happy.”
Mark nodded, sitting back against the sofa. “Fair enough…” Then he sighed and brought his knees up to hug them. “I just… I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself for leaving you like that, and for driving you to that point.”
I reached over and placed my hand over his. “Hey. You didn’t know I was going to do that. No one saw that coming. You did what you had to do in order to be happy. What I did, that’s all on me. And look at me, I’m still here and I’m happy, and I’m telling you to move on from that. There’s bigger things going on now. It’s okay.”
“Bella, if I had lost you…”
“But you didn’t. You can’t put the whole blame on yourself. It’s just something that happened. I had it coming, anyway. With or without you. But it's in the past now.”
He nodded. “I know. I’m glad you’re still here. I’m glad that we can still be friends.”
That brought another thought to mind. “I think… I believe that people come and go into our lives for a reason. I think we’re meant to be in each other’s lives, whether we’re lovers, exes, or friends. And if it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t have met Jack, and then I wouldn’t have found Ethan. I wouldn’t be here talking to you now, and realizing just how important you are to me. You've brought good things into my life.”
Mark was smiling, and he squeezed my hand.
“And I think you were meant to find Amy,” I continued. “Whether I was mentally stable or not, she was meant to come along. I know plenty of things have contributed to your happiness now, but I know she’s done way more for you than I ever could have.”
“That’s what I think about you and Ethan,” Mark told me. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you smile this much. He's got you getting on planes and going to signings and panels… It's incredible.”
“I made those decisions, not him,” I reminded him.
“Right, of course,” Mark said. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you… without anxiety, either.”
“Yeah… I think anxiety is always going to be apart of me. And… I think I’m trying to be okay with it. Like, a bunch of shit happened and the effects of all of that is my anxiety disorder. But I’m trying not to hate it as much, because I’m stuck with it for life.”
“So you might as well work with it,” he finished for me. “That’s good. You know I’ll be here to support you through all of that, right? Despite everything that’s happened between us, I still care about you so much.”
“I care about you too.”
“And you’re actually happy with Ethan?”
“Yes. I don’t even have the words for it.”
I looked over at the guy sleeping beside me. All of these emotions surged in my chest. Here I was, in good terms with my ex, and having a happy relationship with my new boyfriend. My anxiety was at an all time low, something I never thought I would feel. I had people I could call my family.
We heard Tyler groan in his sleep, mumbling something about keeping it down. Mark and I smiled at each other, and we knew there was nothing left to say.
_____
stay tuned for a thank you post following this chapter :)
stupid cute hc's for my own damn fic bc I feel like it
mostly ethella woops
-bella is always singing mindlessly under her breath, even more so as she gets comfortable around ethan (and the whole team)
-ethan notices mostly because it distracts him while he's trying to do something
-the other guys notice when it gets disruptive
-"dude, we're shooting right now. could you...?" cue bella going completely silent from then on out, and actively stopping herself if she starts humming
-then idk one fucking night when ethan sleeps over, they're laying in bed and he just
-"sing to me, yeah?"
-"why??????"
-"because I like hearing you!! pleeaaassee?"
-so she sings 'intertwined' aka Their Song™ and it's really soft and soothing for ethan to hear
-now whenever he has a bad day he'll lay on her chest and she'll sing softly :')
-eventually he'll sing to her too, maybe around the time he buys a new uke
-he'll rarely sing in front of her, but when he does, it's extra special and bella will just smile like a fucking doof the whole damn day
I heard Jack turning the lock on the front door after a few hours. Must’ve been a long collab. I didn’t move from the couch or give any reaction. I just kept staring at the thick, grey curtains covering the window ahead of me. It was like all motion had left my body, and I was nothing but a useless lump.
He would be able to talk me down from it in a minute. At least I could find comfort in that. Jack would either reassure me or snap me out of it, and then the problem would get resolved. It was getting easier to talk to him again, so I almost perked up when I heard footsteps. Finally, some time to vent.
The only problem? It wasn’t Jack who had entered my apartment. It was Ethan. I took one glance at him before looking down again, my heart racing.
“Sean gave me his key,” he explained as he placed the small silver item on the coffee table. “He said you can yell at him later for that. Um… I’m just gonna…”
He sat down next to me, keeping a bit of space between us. That was all he did. He just sat there, and it quickly drove me insane. What was he waiting for? What did he want me to say?
I mean, my anger had certainly simmered down. The more I thought about it, the less sense it made. Why am I like this? Why did I take things so far? How the hell did I go from zero to a hundred?
“Okay!” I snapped, giving in. “I’m sorry.”
“Me too,” Ethan replied without missing a beat.
I paused for a second. “I trusted you!”
“I know. I should have waited. I wouldn’t have done it if I had known you were gonna get upset. And I’m sorry.” He paused and took a deep breath. He shifted in his seat and looked down. “But… you were singing with Mark, and you gave him this look… I know you said you’re over him, but I just thought… he could win you back if he wanted to. And then song you were singing didn’t help either!”
My heart ached. I hadn’t even thought about how Ethan, my boyfriend, would feel about seeing me with Mark, my ex-boyfriend. I knew we wouldn’t have been able to avoid that weird, awkward tension, how could I pretend that we could? I felt so guilty about sharing a nice moment with my ex, or for even letting him drive. I felt awful about making Ethan witness that, but at the same time, I didn’t think he would be afraid of losing me.
“And it’s not that I don’t want you to be friends with him,” he continued, still looking down at his hands. “I know he’s helped you through a lot, I just… I keep seeing him as your big, manly ex-boyfriend instead of our friend. And I felt like… like I couldn’t make you as happy as he did when he sang with you… I thought… he could ask you to be with him again, and you would do it.” He had been speaking quickly until the last bit, which only made my heart ache more.
“You think… I’d leave you for him?” I paraphrased, getting a minor flashback to last summer. Then I shifted so I was facing him, and I placed my hand over his. “First of all, he dumped me for Amy, so even if there was some reality where he wanted to get back together… I wouldn’t trust him. I did that once, and well… the way you found me when we first met was partly because of him. He hurt me pretty bad.”
Ethan considered my words. “So… why do you still want him in your life?”
“Because he and I have a history,” I explained. “He was the first friend I had made in a long time. He’s the one who pushed me to get into therapy. He’s the reason why I met Jack, and by extension, you. He’s the reason why you live here now. He’s changed both of our lives.”
“But you’re not in love with him?”
I shook my head. “Nope. I only have eyes for a dork with blue hair.”
“Well, he sounds like a fucking asshole,” Ethan said with a pitiful sigh.
I chuckled. “He’s alright.” Then I changed the subject. “And listen, I’m sorry I snapped at you in the car. I overreacted, and I shouldn’t have.”
“I get why you did it, though. We made a plan and I went against it,” he said. “I won’t do anything like that again, I promise. Or, not promise. You said you didn’t like that. Just trust me.”
I hesitated. “If I trust you… you have to be honest with me.”
He nodded. “Okay. I can do that.”
“Even if you think it’s going to hurt me. You have to tell me if I’m being paranoid, or irrational,” I elaborated. “You also have to tell me if my makeup looks bad, but that’s beside the point. And I’ll do the same for you if you need me to.”
“Alright. Brutal honesty.”
“Brutal honesty.”
~
Everyone went into prep mode the day after returning from Arizona. Next weekend was the long awaited PAX East, and although it was only one weekend, it was long enough to make the guys go crazy with preparation. Ethan and Jack pretty much ditched classes (by “ditched” I mean, they got special slips that allowed them to skip classes for YouTube work) and locked themselves away in their recording spaces. Mark, on the other hand, wanted to see me.
I met up with him at the office, in the infamous white loft I was angry at a million years ago. Amy, Kathryn, and Tyler were there as well, doing their own things. All I knew was that this wasn’t another chat about our past. I didn’t know what it was about, and I kept it that way just to try to rationalize the unnecessary nerves. It took practice, right?
“So, I heard you worked things out with… your boyfriend,” Mark said shortly after I showed up. “Man, it's weird to think about that.”
“Yeah, everything's good now,” I told him. “I'm surprised he's not here, though.”
“He's recording at home for his own channel,” Mark said. “Figured since I have Kathryn here, I could let him off for this week.”
I nodded. “Cool. So… why'd you bring me here?”
He gestured for me to sit on the couch before starting. “Two things. One, though I might know the answer already: are you going to PAX?”
“I'm actually considering it,” I admitted. “Jack is able to take a guest, and I might be it.”
Mark raised his eyebrows, surprised. “Well, if you do go, then that's great! What's making you consider it?”
I shrugged. “I've missed out on a lot, and I wanna see if I can survive a plane ride and a hectic convention. Plus, it sucks being here alone when everyone else is having fun, and I'm kind of tired of it.”
“Well, that's good that you're taking the initiative. I'm proud of you. You're really changing for the better.”
Didn't notice until he said it. I skipped many events in the past due to crippling anxiety, and I didn't want to do that anymore. Why was the decision so easy all of a sudden?
“So the other thing I wanted to talk about,” Mark continued, “It's a bit… it's something, and it's entirely up to you.”
“Okay,” I said.
“How would you like to join the team?”
For a moment, I was speechless. I noticed the other three turn their heads, almost like they were waiting for an answer. The right answer.
“Like… help you make videos and shit?” I asked stupidly.
“Help me write sketches,” he told me. “Help me write a script for this tour we wanna do. Be an impartial judge in a Markiplier Makes video. There’s so much you could do!”
It was a lot to take in. I still wasn’t sure what to say.
“Remember when we had that discussion about the egos a really long time ago?” Mark asked. “We have the sources to make those real now! Again, that’s entirely up to you if you want to make that real, just… Join us. Tell me you want in. I talked about it with all of the guys, and they think you'll be a great addition. So what do you say?”
~
I eventually decided to go to PAX. The only way I could do that was by actually sedating myself on the plane. Helena recommended melatonin, a natural supplement that wasn't habit forming. That session was the last time I would see her until after returning from Boston. The only thing she didn't warn me about was the vivid dreams that melatonin sometimes caused.
When you're in a much deeper sleep than you're used to, your dreams can seem more real and more long lasting. My dream was actually something that had happened in my life. It was just what I needed.
Scissors in one hand, tequila in the other. I dropped the bottle and screamed in frustration as it shattered across the bathroom floor. Took the blade of the scissors to my stomach once, twice. Then to my thighs, really digging into the sensitive flesh with the tip of the blade. I dropped to my knees, more concerned with the fact that I couldn't get blackout drunk like I wanted. Finally, I took the scissors to my wrists. Cried some more. Blood was staining the floor. Pain was pulsing where I had cut. I just wanted it to be over. I would have swallowed the glass from the tequila bottle, had I not lost consciousness.
I woke with a jolt. I was alone. Cold sweats. Racing heart.
Breathless, I jumped out of bed and went to Jack’s room. Before knocking, I turned towards the bathroom. No broken glass. No scissors. No bloodstains. After confirming that, I remembered that Jack was spending the night on campus, prepping.
I sat on the floor between his room and the bathroom, hugging my knees, and rocking back and forth.
Dreaming about killing myself or staying awake on a plane for five hours? Time to pick and choose my trauma.
~
“Oh my god, there's a Sephora!” I snapped, unnaturally jittery.
“You'd think you'd know the location of every Sephora ever,” joked Jack as we walked through the airport.
Yeah, I did it. I was inside LAX. I was, how you say, not okay by any means. My heart kept palpitating, I kept getting waves of nausea. I hadn't been able to take a proper deep breath all day. Seeing a store I was familiar with cushioned the blow a little bit.
“How much time do we have?” I asked.
“Uh, forty minutes,” Jack said, looking at his phone. “Ethan should meet with us soon, though.”
“You know where I'll be!” I told him before dashing off into the store, nearly dropping my backpack on the way.
For the first time today, I felt a little bit better. Shimmery pigments and pretty packaging were my salvation. I looked through as many brands as I could, swatching different products on my arm. I even purchased a few things for myself. It gave me something to look forward to when I'd be getting ready to hit the con.
Three hundred dollars later, I left the store and found Jack sat on a bench across the walkway. Ethan was at his side and they were both scrolling on their phones until they saw me approaching them. They noticed the black and white bag full to the brim hanging on my arm, which had strips of making going up and down the skin.
“I feel better now,” I told them, lying through my goddamn teeth. “But now I don't have any PAX money.”
“None of it?” Jack asked in surprise.
“Well, I have like, four dollars left,” I said, shrugging.
“I'll buy you whatever you want when we're over there,” Ethan told me. “Since you're doing this.”
I nodded, feeling myself slip away again. “Litty titty.”
That made them both giggle. Then they stood up and we all went to wait to board the plane. For the last twenty minutes, I made frequent trips to the bathroom, thinking that I was either going to throw up or shit myself. I couldn't tell what was anxiety and what wasn't anymore.
The last time I got out, we had to get on the plane. The rest of the team had met up with Ethan and Jack, and they gave me those… watchful glances. I mean, I wasn't okay at all, but that didn't mean they had to stare.
“Melatonin,” I mumbled as I grabbed my backpack.
“You're taking it now?” Ethan asked me as we walked towards the terminal.
“Fifteen minutes to kick in,” I said. “Y luego, me voy.”
“Dank.”
I dug through the smaller pockets on my backpack, searching for the little baggy of white, circular pills. When I didn't find it, my heart began to race. Where had they gone? I triple checked to make sure I didn't forget them. Had I lost them? I slowed my steps in the terminal, very quickly realizing what this meant.
“Baller?” Jack called, coming up from behind me. He put his hand on the small of my back. “You good?”
“Yeah,” I breathed out, deciding to go for plan B.
My seat was next to Jack. Ethan was a few rows ahead with Kathryn and Tyler. Mark and Amy were in the next aisle. The space was really small, so Jack let me sit in the aisle seat. Thank god.
I pulled a water bottle out of my backpack. Jack didn’t question it; He knew I liked to have water during times like these. Except I dumped the water and filled it with the last of the tequila I had stashed in my drawer at home.
Given the state of mind I had been in the last few months, alcohol was strictly off limits. If I hadn't lost my melatonin, I would have been happy to dream about my suicide. I would have dreamt about it multiple times, because I already knew what that felt like, and I knew I had the ability to wake up and be comforted by my friend. But now I was left with no choice. I wouldn't be able to do this on my own, and Jack wasn't going to let me drink my fears away. So this is what I had to do.
Although, once the tequila hit my lips, I had to resist spitting it back out. It tasted like New Year's, when I took things overboard. I had a minor flashback of being in a club with sweaty, invasive strangers. Still, I needed it, so I put on a brave face and took a big gulp. That’s how I made it through the take-off. Then, when Jack was asleep, I caught the attention of a flight attendant. I asked for those mini liquor bottles and took down two shots of vodka. Or three. Or four.
I had quite the buzz shortly after. I was smiling stupidly and the music I was listening to was just so damn good. I decided that Ed Sheeran sounded better after a few drinks. So did Katelyn Tarver. It was all new music I was listening to, so my seat neighbors were spared from my beautiful singing voice. But the lyrics, though. Ouch.
“Knew one day you’d fall for someone new
But if he breaks your heart like lovers do
Just know that I’ll be waiting here for you”
Tears came regardless, though. It wasn't because of the big, scary plane ride. It was because both artists I was listening to had songs that I needed when I was in a depressive episode. It was in that plane when I was listening to a song that perfectly described my breakup did I realize I wasn't really depressed anymore. I thought back to Suicidal, Heartbroken Bella Santiago and I just… ached. I felt for her. I mean, I still had major depressive disorder, but it had subsided over time. I was on a fucking plane.
“Promise I’ve already learned my lesson
But right now I wanna be not okay”
I kept that song on repeat. I had to be drunk in order to do this. Was that something to be proud of? Had I really made any progress at all?
~
“She’s staying with me.”
“Are you sure? Will you be able to take care of her?”
“Someone has to, since you couldn’t do it.”
“Dude…”
My tired body just leaned against the car door. I still had just enough in me to not care about the fact that I was not the driver, nor that Ethan was blaming Jack for my maladaptive behavior. I just want to get to bed and sleep. I wanted to die a little bit, too. Why couldn’t I have dreamt about my death?
I wasn’t sure when we got to the hotel. I just remembered Ethan holding my hand as he led me down a hallway, then throwing up somewhere that wasn’t the bathroom. Then I was sitting on the foot of the soft, white bed. I was watching Ethan covering up my pile of sick with some paper towels.
“You’re staring while I’m blinking,” I said softly. “Just don’t tell me what you see.”
He glanced up at me as he cleaned up my mess. “I just see that my girlfriend did a very bad thing on the plane.”
“I’m so over all this bad luck,” I mumbled, “hearing one more ‘keep your head up…’ It’s always gonna stay the same.”
“Don’t say that,” Ethan replied, though he didn’t sound optimistic. “We’ll talk about it in the morning, okay? You’re still… kinda drunk.”
“Let me just give up!” I whined. “Let me just let go! If this isn’t good for me, then I don’t wanna know!”
Ethan stood up and threw away the towels. “‘Kay, well, you sound like you’re speaking in lyrics. Maybe we should go to bed, yeah?” He came over and gently took my arms to help me stand.
“Let me just stop trying,” I said sadly. “Let me just stop fighting. I don’t want your good advice…”
“Bella, come on.”
“...or reasons why I’m alright. You don’t know what it’s like.”
He looked at me, confused. Then he led me over to the front of the bed and lied me down. “You’re okay. It doesn’t feel like it right now, but you’re okay.”
“You don’t know what it’s like…” I whispered. “You don’t know…”
“Apparently not.”
It was the first night I shared a bed with my boyfriend and I didn’t even spend it in the bed. Not long after turning the lights out, I went to the bathroom. I stayed there throughout the night, keeping the door locked so he wouldn’t come in and deal with me some more. Of course, he came knocking at one point, and by that time I was lying in the empty bathtub with a headache like a sad piece of shit. The door was right next to the tub, so I was able to reach the lock and let him in.
Ethan stepped inside, surprised to find me where I was. He was in his pajamas, looking sleepy and irritatingly adorable. I wanted to cuddle but I didn’t deserve it.
“What are you doing in there?” he asked, crouching down to my level.
“Waiting to puke again,” I replied, my voice raspy.
His fingers went through my hair. It was such an affectionate gesture, I didn’t understand it.
“Please don’t do that again,” he told me. “I know you can do better than this.”
I sighed. “I can’t do anything.”
“Yes you can. I know it’s hard. And you shouldn’t have drank, but at least you made it over here alive. We’ll work on it.”
“I’m sorry you have to see me like this. I’m sorry I threw up everywhere. I’m sorry…”
“It’s okay. Happens to all of us.” He reached for my hand and held it in his.
“And don’t be mad at Jack,” I added. “It’s not his fault I’m all fucked up.”
Ethan hesitated. “He was right next to you and he had no idea what you were doing.”
“Yeah, because I made it that way,” I clarified. “I hid tequila in a water bottle. And then he fell asleep. It’s not his job to take care of me. And it’s not your job either. Sure, you cleaned up my vomit and put me to bed, but it was my decision to get alcohol on the plane when I’m not supposed to be drinking, so… stop being nice to me.”
“Well…” he trailed off after some silence. “You’ve been throwing up all night, and you’re probably gonna have a pretty shitty hangover later, so I think that’s cruel enough.”
~
Needless to say, I had to stay in while Ethan and the team went to the beach later that morning. They were only a couple of hours away, and I had to nurse a hangover. I guess that was punishment enough. The only thing I could be grateful for while I sat feeling like shit in my hotel room was the fact that the convention didn’t start today.
Jack came over later in the afternoon, though. The last coherent conversation I had with him was before we got on the plane. I felt guilty the second I saw him in the doorway. Then I put my head down and stepped aside to let him in the room.
“I’m sorry about last night,” I began. “I should have told you how I was feeling. I shouldn’t have done what I did.”
“Yeah, you shouldn’t have,” he replied as he sat at the desk. “You’re supposed to stay away from alcohol. You’re supposed to be better than this.”
“It was just for the plane ride!” I justified.
Jack didn’t say anything at first. But then he sighed. “What are you gonna do when you’re at my panel? Or at Mark’s panel? What will you do when you’re at the main floor, surrounded by people?”
“I’ll manage,” I shrugged, though it did seem very daunting. “I came here to be supportive. And to conquer my fears.”
“You won’t conquer it by bottling it up and drinking! You need to talk to me! Or Ethan! He gave me so much shit last night!” Jack pinched the bridge of his nose. “And he was right, I should have been looking out for you.”
“I already talked to him,” I said softly. “It’s not your job to babysit me. I made the stupid decision and now I’m paying for it because you’re mad at me and my boyfriend is showing his friends around his hometown and I’m stuck here with a shitty ass hangover.”
“You can’t keep me in the dark,” Jack said, still not sounding happy. “You can’t avoid the problem and think that will fix anything. You can’t run forever and think it’s okay!”
“I know…”
There was a pause. A voice in my head was telling me that Jack hated me, but I tried not to listen.
“I don’t mean to snap at you,” he told me after a while. “It’s just… I found out something that I probably shouldn’t have.”
platonic/romance/angst/smut <-- read the sin on ao3 ;p
previous chapter
Friday was PAX day one. You would think I’d be the one doing panels and meetups, given the amount of nerves I was feeling. I woke up from a shitty sleep, and the only reason why I got up was because I saw the sun peeking through the curtains. That, and Ethan’s sleeping face was too comical.
Thankfully, things weren’t tense with us after my plane adventure. He was too sweet about it, which made me feel guilty. I really didn’t deserve someone like him. Even while sober, I got emotional over how much better I felt recently. I mean, despite the plane ride. The only difference was that I could push down the unnecessary tears for another time. I had to get ready for the day.
As soon as I started moving around in bed, Ethan stirred in his sleep. His arms went around my waist and pulled me back in before I could make my escape. He held me in a side hug, nosing my neck and humming contently.
“Hi there,” I greeted, amused by his sudden moves.
“Hello,” he sleepily mumbled as he scooted closer to me. “You didn’t let me cuddle last night.”
“Oh, really?” I asked, genuinely confused. I knew I had fallen asleep before him, I just didn’t think I’d push him away. Even in my sleep, I had intimacy issues. “Um… oops.”
He chuckled and kissed my shoulder. Then, he kissed my cheek. “It’s okay.”
Blushing, I turned so I was facing him. “I’m just not used to sleeping next to such a pretty guy.” I smiled as I stroked his cheek, down to his neck, and then his shoulder.
That was when I noticed he was shirtless. I had never seen him shirtless before. It was far more intimate than it should have been. My eyes trailed down his body and well… I was, for lack of a better word, shook.
“Since when do you have abs?” I blurted out, feeling all sorts of things.
“Um…” Ethan laughed nervously. “Since… always? I think?”
I glanced up at him, noticing how red his cheeks had gotten. A smirk etched on my face and I trailed my hand down his body.
“You’re so hot,” I said in a sultry tone, my fingers touching the waistband of his sweatpants. “You know that?”
Ethan didn’t say anything at first. I leaned in closer to him, trailing my fingers from his stomach around to his back.
“A-Am I?” he finally spoke, his voice soft and timid.
Oh my god, it was so endearing.
“Mhm,” I replied as I leaned in to kiss the crook of his neck. I felt him take in a deep breath, so I kept going.
I kissed up and down his neck as I felt up his body. Ethan's breathing got deeper and quicker the more I kissed around his skin. He tightened his grip on my waist, and then trailed his hands to my butt. Just from our bodies pressing together, I knew he was very eager and excited. I wondered if this was what he wanted to happen before I inevitably fell asleep on him.
~
We ended up running a little late to Jack’s panel. I managed to pull off a no foundation look and keep my hair in a high ponytail, fixing some strays along the way. We were practically rushed down to the convention center, where we were even more rushed to the show room where the panel was taking place. Thankfully, it hadn’t started yet, so Ethan and I were relieved once we were seated.
“Where were you guys?” asked Ethan’s friend, Brian, who I had met the day prior. “I was calling you, idiot!” He smacked his friend’s arm.
“I was asleep,” Ethan replied.
“I took forever to get ready,” I said over him.
“Both!” Ethan quickly added.
Someone in the row in front of us laughed. It was Mark, who had turned around. Once he did, so did the people next to him, which were Amy, Kathryn, and Tyler. Mark smirked and put up air quotes. “Yeah. ‘Getting ready.’”
“¡Ayy cochino!” I said as I playfully slapped his hands away and tried not be embarrassed.
Maybe it was the lingering euphoria, but I felt unusually calm sitting in the middle of a row, near the front of the stage. I was able to brush off Mark’s comment and avoid getting flustered and blushy. Maybe it was because it was Jack I was going to see on stage. I also had my boyfriend on my left, and my friends directly in front of me. Jack’s ex-girlfriend was on my right. It was like-
Wait.
My head immediately turned to the girl sitting next to me. I didn’t mean to make a sudden move, but I was surprised, not only at the person, but the fact that she was wearing the exact same black sweater as me. Despite that, I was a little salty that she was here.
She looked back at me, just as surprised. We’ve heard of each other, we had just never met. Honestly, I didn’t think I would meet her like this, when she was blacklisted in my mind.
“Hey Signe!” Ethan happily greeted, and we both jumped.
“Hi!” she replied, quickly composing herself.
That caused Mark, Amy, Kathryn, and Tyler to turn around. They were all happy to see her. She was happy to see them. Or they were all polite and collectively ignoring the elephant in the room. I mean, this group did have a tendency to welcome ex-girlfriends.
“You’re Bella, right?” Signe asked after that wave of greetings. “Sean’s roommate?”
I nodded and pressed on my own fake smile. “Yeah. Um, I didn’t think I’d see you here.”
“I know, it seems… awkward,” she said in a tone that matched her words. “But I wanted to see him… and maybe talk to him later.”
To break his heart again? To have the same conversation and hurt him again?
“Oh, cool.”
Signe looked at me, hesitating. “You don’t like me.” It wasn’t a question.
Still, I was taken aback by that statement. I chuckled nervously. “Um, no. I mean… I don’t know you really, I’m just…”
“She’s great with people,” Ethan sarcastically added as he patted my hand.
I sighed. “Thanks, babe.”
Thankfully, the lights went down, indicating the start of the panel.
~
“I can’t believe you never told me!” I snapped once we were all taken out of the room following the panel. I was so utterly betrayed.
“I thought you knew!” Ethan replied in defense. “Babe, listen-” He tried taking my hand, but I quickly pulled it away.
“No! Do you know what this means?” I asked seriously.
He slowed his steps through the narrow hall. “Baby. Don’t do this. Come on, please. Let’s go back to our room, and-”
“I can’t go back to the room with you!”
“Where are you gonna go, then? With Sean? He can’t help you with this, he’s on my side this time!” Ethan shot back, folding his arms. “You know what? Don’t come back to the room! I was willing to talk this out, but if you’re acting this way-”
“You guys are way too passionate about pizza,” pointed out Signe, who was walking with us.
“I don’t like pineapple!” I justified.
“Oh, why don’t you just rip my heart out?” Ethan said to me.
We were escorted to a secluded corridor by enforcers, which eventually led us backstage where we met up with Jack. Or as I like to call him, the other traiter. I would have let him have it, had he not noticed that his ex was among his group of friends. We all kind of knew to leave them alone, so we did just that, and let the enforcers take us somewhere else.
“Do you think-” Ethan was about to say.
“Wait,” I cut him off as we walked away.
“They’re gonna-”
“Shh!”
I waited until we were all out the exit and near the main floor. I had been holding his hand until now, and I quickly pulled it back to my side as I heard people yell. “I know it’s none of my business, but I don’t like her that much.”
“How come?” Ethan asked, surprised at my words and probably my gesture.
“She hurt him.” I shrugged. “Like, she really, really hurt him. She made him fly back to Ireland only to confirm that they were broken up. She abandoned him.”
“Maybe they’ll work it out this time. He looked happy to see her.”
I would have said more, but then we were joined once again by Brian and his girlfriend, Morgan. They were surprisingly easy to talk to, I hadn't felt completely overwhelmed by them just yet.
“Okay, be honest,” Brian said to me, “How much is he paying you to hang out with him?”
“Well, I don't mean to brag,” I replied, “but… four dollars and pudding cup. Like, I don't wanna say I got it made, but…”
Brian looked at Ethan, betrayed. “She gets a pudding cup and I don't?”
It went on like that. It was fun.
We didn't get back to the hotel until nighttime. Once I was alone with Ethan, I was exhausted. It was a fun day, but I could only handle so much interaction. Not only that, Ethan and Brian were approached by fans more often than not, and while most didn't bat an eye at me, I was sure they would speculate online. So that was another thing to worry about. We had never really talked about when we would publicly show our relationship.
“Hey, so are you coming to my signing tomorrow?” Ethan asked me. Even more things to worry about.
I plopped face down onto the bed and sighed. “Do you want me to go?”
“Well, yeah,” he said as he lied down next to me. “But if it's too stressful for you, then you don't have to stay obviously. But I do want you there.”
Everything is already stressful. I'm not dead, but I'm stressed. I wanted to go home already.
“What about your followers?” I asked. “What’ll they think?”
“I'm sure they figured it out already,” he told me. “I already saw some stuff on Twitter. It's mostly positive.”
I scoffed, grumpy. “I literally do not believe you, but I'm too tired to see for myself.”
“Well, it's true. Some things can turn out positive, believe it or not.” He got up and went to the bathroom.
What was that supposed to mean? How could people not hate me? I went from Mark to Ethan in less than a year, and I knew how shady that looked! Mark had never seen the dark parts of his community until I came into the picture. It could be the same with Ethan's. It had to be the same.
I would have brought it up when he got out of the bathroom but then there was a knock on the door. That sound alone gave me enough energy to get up, grab my skincare products and hide in the bathroom.
~
The next day was Mark’s panel with Tyler, Ethan, Bob, and Wade. In other words, there was no time for fun things under the sheets this time, so I couldn’t find it in me to relax or not think of my empty apartment in Los Angeles. I couldn’t really think rationally either, and that probably had to do with the fact that Ethan had to leave beforehand.
“Will you be okay?” he asked while I was getting ready.
“Yeah.” I’ve learned nothing. “Jack is gonna come find me and…” I trailed off as I filled in my eyebrows with a brush.
“And we’ll never know,” Ethan joked with a small laugh.
I looked at him through the reflection in the mirror. He looked so cute and happy in his dark red pants and navy shirt. He even had his glasses on and everything. I double checked to make sure my brows were okay before standing up to face him.
“Good luck,” I told him with a smile. “I’m proud of you, and you look adorable.”
“Oh, stop!” he replied as he dramatically waved it off. “I’ll see you in the audience?”
“I’ll be the pink dot sitting by the green dot.”
Ethan smiled before quickly kissing me goodbye. As soon as he was out the door I dropped my fake happy expression. I wanted to support him, despite that it took all of my energy. I was starting to remember why I always avoided big events like this. Only a couple more days.
By the time I finished doing my makeup, Jack had come by my room. He was alone, but he looked perkier than usual. He looked happy. I envied him.
“I’m almost ready,” I told him, my brain feeling like static.
“Can we talk for a second?” he requested before adding, “it’s about me and Signe.”
“Okay.”
We sat on the foot of the bed. I had a feeling I already knew what he was going to say, but I had to hear it to be sure.
“We got back together last night.” As expected.
I nodded lightly.
“You think I made the wrong choice,” Jack assumed.
Come on, Baller. Use your words.
“No,” I said. “Well - I’m sorry, I’m just… really tired and… drained. It’s not you, sorry.”
“So you’re cool with it? That we’re back together?” he asked hopefully.
That’s when I hesitated. “Let me put it this way: what if I got back with my ex-boyfriend after everything he put me through? After you saw how I acted and what I did because of him. What would you think of that?”
Jack considered my words and then nodded understandingly. “Okay, I get it.”
“But still,” I continued. “It’s your life, and I want you to be happy, and if she still makes you happy, despite everything, then… I’ll welcome her with my open, anxious arms.”
He chuckled. “Okay. Thanks, Bellers. And, just so you know, I was angry at Mark for a while after what he did to you. It takes time for all of that to pass, so I understand if you don’t warm up to Signe right away.”
“I’ll be nice to her, don’t worry.”
“That’s all I ask.”
~
Mark’s panel was as extra as you could expect. He made the audience scream and wave for the first three minutes. Claimed the room wasn’t big enough for his ego. Then he introduced each of his friends in an equally extra manner.
“The one and only… Tyler! The undying smile! Stand please!”
“Ethan…” (“Is that my introduction?” He pulled a dab.) “The crankiest boy in the West… and the East! Watch as he… introduces himself…” (“Hey… it’s me!”)
“Me. Mark. The unbelievable. Mark. The girthy. Shout big words at me!” (The audience booed, myself included.)
“Bob! Who needs no introduction!”
“Tears come to my eyes when I think of this man. The man who has done so much amazing things in my life, and your guys’s…” (Ethan: “Dude are you crying?”) “Shut up. This man who, not only motivated me when I was in the early stages of my channel… Wade!” (“What’s the catch?” He went to hug Mark.)
Then, the show started. Each guy expressed their opening statements. Ethan did a backflip. Then, Mark announced a tour. The five of them. On the road. Four shows in June. Many cities in the fall. Why was it daunting and intimidating? Because Mark started talking about each member of the team individually.
“Bob and Wade have been my friends for a long time, Tyler has been with me since the beginning, Ethan-”
“I mean nothing to you,” he said with a laugh.
“Let me get to it!” Mark replied after some banter. “So, Ethan is a newcomer to the team but he’s been indispensable in everything we’ve been doing. ‘A Date with Markiplier’ wouldn’t have happened without him, or without Tyler. Or without anybody on the team.” He pointed to a section of the audience. “Amy and Kathryn, you guys are unbelievable. Amy, is my inspiration in everything that I do.”
The audience lost it at that moment. But Mark quickly got their attention again.
“And! I lied, Ethan isn’t the newcomer anymore! Bella, our dear friend Bella, she’s part of the team now and she’s going to be helping us with a lot of cool stuff!”
Once again, the audience lost it. Oh no, attention. Jack nudged my side, and I blushed and kept a stiff smile on my face. I kept my eyes firmly on the guys on stage. Luckily, Mark was able to diffuse that uproar and bring the attention back to the tour.
The guys played some improv games and then talked more about the show without giving away anything major. Then they answered some Twitter questions. It was generally very good and fun, I was able to forget about being put on the spot for the duration of the panel.
One question was the deep and inevitable, “What would you tell your younger self?” All the guys had deep, emotional answers but for some reason, Mark admitting that he was very happy where he is now got me. For a minute, that douchebag persona went away and he genuinely said he was happy. It was actually nice to hear. Also, Tyler said to focus on the small bits of joy instead of everything that was going wrong, and I did not need to hear that at all… but I did.
Finally, Mark fucking cried. It was understandable, though. He got so deep and into the moment that it made some tears arise. It made me think back to our early days at YTU, when he would tell me about everything he wanted to do. His mind was all over the place, and his heart was, or still is, in a good place. He wanted to make change, he wanted to do good things.
He changed mine. I wouldn’t be here, alive or dead, if he wasn’t so determined to talk to me back in 2014.
~
After the panel ended, Jack, Signe, Amy, Kathryn, and I were escorted backstage where we met up with the guys. Then, we all ventured out back to the hotel. For some fucking reason, we decided to walk. Outside. Where it was snowing. I was brutally reminded that I was in fact a desert rat. I held Ethan’s hand like it was a lifeline until we made it back to the hotel.
That was when I slowly started to lose it again. I felt exhausted, but my heart and brain were working overtime. I tried to distract myself by looking on my phone when we were in the elevator, only to find a stalker photo of my and my boyfriend on Tumblr. It was taken from behind, our colorful hair sticking out like sore thumbs. We were holding hands, or I was hugging Ethan’s arm and standing awfully close to him while we were surrounded by people. I honestly didn’t remember where in the convention center we were when that was taken, but it made me feel awfully weird. It wasn’t a little secret anymore.
“Now they know for sure,” Ethan said when I showed him. “That means you can go to my signing!”
If I don’t die first.
“Ooh, that’s gonna be fun,” Amy spoke up from behind us. “Everyone is generally really nice, don’t worry.”
I nodded, despite that I wanted to drown myself in the mini bar in our hotel room. That was a bad sign, right? I felt the need to sedate myself somehow. That’s bad.
Thankfully, I was able to get in some resting time. Ethan was super persistent on getting me to stick with him all day, and if I was going to do that, I had to keep to myself for a bit. I had to be a good girlfriend, but I couldn’t do it while I was on edge.
The mini bar was awfully tempting though. It was on top of the mini fridge, which was right next to the desk where I had my makeup laid out. However, Ethan was sat behind me on the bed. Maybe I could just wait until he went to the bathroom or something.
“Are you putting makeup on top of your makeup?” he asked at one point.
“Just on my eyes,” I replied, sounding distant for a multitude of reasons. “Maybe I’ll go nuts and put on false eyelashes.” Or I’ll go nuts in general. Whichever happens first.
At least I had new products to try out. Three hundred dollars’ worth of items. My soft, neutral look from this morning was quickly turned into a glittery cut crease. I was blown away by this liquid eyeshadow, I had to stop myself from reacting the way I did in my videos: an excited squeal and dropping a thousand f-bombs. Oh, and I did add false lashes. I got carried away in the name of distractions. When I finished the look, I turned to Ethan.
“Too much?” I asked.
“Huh?”
I waved around my face. “Do I look okay? Too much glitter? Too much glow?”
Ethan scooted up so he was at the foot of the bed and directly in front of me. He put on a mock thoughtful face and stroked his chin.
“Hmm, turn your head,” he told me, and I obliged. “Yes, very shiny. Very… contour-y. You sacrificed many babies to look this pretty, I can tell.”
I breathed out a laugh and looked him in the eyes again.
“Shiny nose,” he mumbled.
“In an oily way or a glowy way?” I asked as I reached for my compact.
“Glowing,” he quickly replied, grabbing my hand to stop me. “It’s adorable! Ya look gore-gus!”
“Aw, thanks boo!” I said, waving it off. “Now, come here. I have to do a kiss test.”
That caught him by surprise. “Kiss test?”
I pointed to my mouth. “New liquid lipstick. I need to see if it transfers, and it’s boring to kiss the back of my hand.”
He chuckled. “Okay, then.”
We moved closer to each other, I placed a hand on his shoulder, and I kissed him right on the mouth. Yes, this was a ploy to make out with him, but it was also for research! I had to keep it short, though. Too much kissing would obviously make the color transfer. I pulled back and quickly ran my thumb over his lips, doing a quick inspection.
“Alright, cool,” I concluded as I turned back towards the mirror.
Despite the “driving lessons” I had done with Mark, I still found myself wide awake the night before the trip. I wouldn’t stop being anxious about it until it was actually happening. In a way, the insomnia was almost beneficial because by the time I had to be awake, I wasn’t even the slightest bit tired.
I got out of bed the second my alarm went off. My mind was buzzing with everything I had to get ready, so for a moment, I wasn’t entirely riddled with anxiety from head to toe. I made sure my clothes were packed, my sweaters were in place, and my bathroom necessities were in order. Then I stuck my head out there door and listened for commotion from my roommate. Once I heard footsteps and movements, I went to the bathroom to do my makeup.
Never thought I would make myself up at four in the morning. There’s a first time for everything, I suppose.
Somehow, I was still wide awake by the time I was ready to go. Jack, on the other hand, was quiet and grumpy for the entire ride to Mark’s house.
When we got there, I noticed an unfamiliar SUV parked in the driveway. Figured it was the rental we all pitched in for. Not long after I parked in front of the house, I saw another car creep up from behind. Tyler, Kathryn, and Ethan. More reasons to unintentionally stay awake all night.
“Morning guys,” Tyler greeted when we all got out of the cars.
We mumbled back a greeting. Jack was clearly sleepy, and I was in a bad mindset as always.
Just then, Mark and Amy came out of the house, rolling their luggage behind them. They both looked exhausted. After exchanging greetings, Mark unlocked the SUV and went to open the back compartment. Then, everyone began to load their luggage.
“You mind taking the first round?” Mark asked me after stowing his suitcase away.
“Not at all,” I replied, sounding unusually upbeat.
He noticed this. “Did you sleep at all?”
“Nope! Can I have the keys?” I smiled, holding my hand out.
Mark put the set in my hands with a look of uncertainty. “You gonna be okay?”
“Yes. No offense, but I look and feel more alive than the rest of you guys.” Fake it til you make it, right? Wide awake, but crying inside.
“You’re the pretty one of the group, so it’s no surprise,” added Ethan, who came up from behind me.
Mark scoffed and mumbled, “I’m prettier,” before going to help Amy with her luggage.
My heart rate accelerated for a split second. I looked at Ethan, wanting to scold him for making such a risky comment.
“Dude,” I said quietly. “We agreed.”
“I’m sorry,” he replied just as softly. Then he gestured for me to follow him off to the side. “I know we’re gonna tell everyone when we come back. But I’m really excited about it, and I don’t know if I’ll make it the whole weekend.”
“You have to,” I warned. “If Mark finds out on this trip and he takes it badly, then we’re stuck with him being angry all weekend.”
“I think he’ll take it well,” Ethan told me with a shrug. “But I’ll wait. I’ll stick to the plan.”
I nodded once. “Good.”
Before either of us could say anything else, someone joined the conversation. I jumped when a hand landed on my shoulder, fearing for a split second that we had been caught. But it was only Jack, who barely batted an eye at my physical reaction.
“We’re all ready to go,” he told us.
I shot one last look at Ethan before going to the vehicle.
I was driving for the first few hours. Mark was the passenger seat. Tyler, Amy, and Jack were in the backseat/middle row. Ethan and Kathryn sat in the very back, the third row. Eight hours with all of them. I took a deep breath and prayed to some higher entity that this would go well.
~
“Hey, can you pull over?” asked Tyler. “I’m feeling sick.”
“Oh, are you?” I replied, turning on the hazard lights and pulling to the side of the road.
It was a good three hours of silent driving. I had my music playing quietly so as not to disturb the sleeping team. The unfamiliar road had kept me distracted, as well as make me think of every Final Destination-related disaster scenario. But for the most part, my nerves weren’t too bothersome.
Once Tyler got out of the car, the rest of the group seemed to come back to life. Jack and Ethan stretched their arms upwards while Kathryn and Amy shifted in their seats.
“I’m getting coffee from the back,” Mark announced. “Anyone want anything?”
“I’ll go with you,” Jack said as he took off his seatbelt.
That prompted for all of us to get out of the car. I opened my door and extended my legs, making my knees pop. It felt good, but now that I wasn’t driving, the lack of sleep was hitting me.
“Baller, you want anything?” called Jack from the back of the car.
Coffee would be good. But if Mark took over and started driving, then coffee would be bad. I also definitely could not fall asleep while someone else was driving, though. I was fucked either way.
I got onto my feet and started to pace, trying to wake myself up. I blinked back the heaviness in my eyes and went to the trunk of the car.
“Water?” I asked, resisting the urge to yawn or rub my eyes.
Jack reached into the mini cooler and pulled out a water bottle. “You okay?”
“I’m on fire,” I replied.
“You want me to take over?” asked Mark.
I shook my head. “I can keep going.”
“You haven’t slept, though.”
“And I won’t until we get there.”
He looked at me for a second. “Yeah, I’m taking the next round. And Tyler’s gonna sit in the front since he’s sick.”
Suddenly, I wished this water was patron. Suddenly, I wanted to teleport to the Grand Canyon so I could fling myself off the edge. Here we fucking go.
“We’re gonna have a rowdy time in the back seat,” Ethan sarcastically said as he placed his hands on my shoulders.
“Yeah, we’re gonna party!” Jack added, bouncing on his feet.
Now everyone was more awake and alive than I was. It was daunting. I was starting to feel the dark storm cloud form above my head. It was getting out of my control.
After a few minutes of stretching and waking up, we all got back in the car. I was in the second row, in the window seat behind the driver. Everything started to feel like it was going in slow motion. I breathed rapidly, but not loudly, through my nose. I tensed visibly when the car started to move. I was also fighting off tears, and my heart was palpitating. I kind of wanted to die.
“Drink your water,” Jack gently reminded me.
I was petrified, though. I was too scared to move. My eyes just stayed glued to the crack between the side of the vehicle and the driver’s headrest, watching the road. Everything sounded muffled, but I did catch Ethan saying something to Jack. Then, I felt a hand go over mine, squeezing gently. I took Jack’s fingers and returned the pressure.
“Should we stop?” asked Mark, who had probably seen the gesture through the mirror.
I lightly shook my head. I didn't want to inconvenience anyone. I drove with Mark one-on-one for this very reason. I had to be capable. I had to control this in whatever way I could.
“What do you need?” Jack asked me.
I sighed heavily, thinking about what was bothering me. The constant sound of the wind hitting the car was particularly stressful.
“My headphones,” I said at last. “I left them in the glove department.”
He reached over and tapped Tyler on the shoulder. Then, he was passing over my black, sleek headphones.
“Anything else?” Jack prompted again.
I shook my head as I plugged the cord into my phone. Finally, I had music to distract me. I decided to make a playlist.
~
My appetite had gone as well. The next stop was at a McDonald’s in Needles, California. It was around ten in the morning by now, and everyone was tired of the granola bars from the back. I, on the other hand, could have lived off of those for the whole weekend. I just had to find my way around every meal.
“Are you getting anything?” asked Ethan when we were inside the establishment.
“Nah, I don’t really eat breakfast,” I replied. “I’m good on just coffee.”
“You sure?” he pressed, his voice slowing down, like he was carefully choosing his words.
He’s tiptoeing. I couldn’t blame him, but it still rubbed me the wrong way. I was perfectly capable.
I rolled my eyes. “I’m fine. I’ll be in the bathroom,” I said coldly before walking off.
As soon as I was alone, a wave of guilt went over me. I sighed and looked in the mirror. Then I distracted myself by touching up my makeup. I dug through my purse for my powder, but quickly grew frustrated and winded up dumping the contents onto the counter between the two sinks. Once I found what I was looking for, I heard one of the toilets flush and out came Amy from a stall. Great.
She didn’t pay any mind until she saw the mess I made. “Oh…”
“Sorry, my bag is an endless void,” I said as I gathered my stuff to one side.
“Relatable.” Amy chuckled as she turned on one sink. “Are you doing okay?”
Here we go again.
“I’m more okay when people don’t ask if I’m okay,” I replied, but then I felt bad. “Sorry, nothing against you. It’s just tiring when people treat you like a time bomb.”
“Gotcha. It’s just… your hands are shaking.”
I hadn’t noticed until she said it. I had to show that I was fine. “They always shake. Comes with the combination of mental illness and caffeine.”
“I thought you didn’t have any coffee, though.”
Shit.
I stayed quiet as I powdered the oily parts of my face.
~
I drove the rest of the way over there, and I chugged a coffee in order to stay awake. While I was jittery and hyperaware of my surroundings and the noise in my brain, my new car anxiety playlist helped diffuse it. Basically, I sang my freaking heart out for the last four hours.
After paying for parking and finding a space, we all went out into the bitter cold. Although, once I was outside, my legs ached with chills. I crossed my arms and joined the group at the trunk, where they were packing their backpacks with snacks and water.
“Forty degrees!” exclaimed Kathryn.
“Shit,” I breathed out.
“You good, Baller?” Jack asked, amused as he put his arm around me.
“Shouldn’t have worn leggings,” I replied, unconsciously huddling into his side.
“I have sweatpants, do you wanna borrow them?” Ethan offered. “You can wear them over your leggings.”
Oh god, he really wants to expose us, doesn’t he?
“Yeah, you’re not going to survive with one layer on your legs,” Mark added.
“I’m getting them,” Ethan concluded as he dug through the trunk for his suitcase.
“Fine,” I sighed.
Jack kept me in his embrace, and neither of us paid any mind until it was brought to attention.
“You guys dating?” Tyler asked as he put bottles of water into his backpack.
“No, we’re just close,” I replied.
“Um, sweetheart,” Jack said, sounding mock offended. “How long more are we going to hide our undying love for each other from our friends?”
I chuckled, but decided to play along. “Okay fine.” I turned to the group and took Jack’s hand. “We’ve eloped. We’re helplessly in love and we have three kids. The secret’s out, my legal name is now Bella Santiago-McLoughlin.”
“Oh, I hadn’t realized you were going to hyphenate,” Jack went on, still not sounding happy.
“Wow, congratulations,” Mark said with a laugh, but he didn’t seem too amused.
“Sweatpants!” announced Ethan, holding the article of clothing in the air. Then he handed them over to me.
I detached from my loving husband and took the pants from my boyfriend. When I put them on, I felt instantly better, from both the warmth and the fact that it was the first time wearing his clothes.
After that, we all ventured towards the Visitor Center, where there was a series of shuttle stops. Shuttles. To take us to various parts of the canyon. Public transportation. With other people. I looked down at my water bottle, hoping I could pull a Jesus and turn it into wine, or something stronger. Obviously, I couldn’t make the whole team walk around everywhere, I had no choice but to get on with them. Somehow I survived.
It wasn’t until after a first stop at one edge did I realize how high we were. We were dropped off at a ledge with very little people. There was a sign that explained some history on this section of the Grand Canyon, and a small barrier.
I pretended to focus on the sign while everyone else went to the fence. Ethan, Kathryn, and Tyler immediately started taking pictures with their phones. Mark, Amy, and Jack were just taking in the view. I took a picture of all of them, their backs to the camera, and posted it on Snapchat. “When you’re too scared to look over the edge.”
I wonder how many people killed themselves here. Okay, edgelord. Come back to earth. And leap over that fence. Oh, fuck off.
By the time I worked up the courage to approach, the boys went further down the area, near some trees. So it was just me, Kathryn, and Amy. I was more focused on the view.
The Grand Canyon looked like a painting. The other end looked like a mural against a giant wall. I couldn’t really comprehend how huge this place was, nor how big the drop was. Somehow, it was less scary that way.
“I feel so small,” Kathryn commented, looking out at the view.
“Let’s take a selfie!” Amy suggested as she pulled out her phone. “I actually bought a selfie stick, and I gotta use it! Over here!”
She led us over to where the fence ended. Concrete turned to stone, and my heart rate spiked. I suddenly slowed my steps, hesitating while my mind got louder.
“Come on,” Kathryn coaxed as she took my wrist. “We’re all shitting our pants here. Let’s do this quickly.”
Amy put her phone on her selfie stick and then put on her sunglasses. “Smile!”
We were facing the sun with the canyon behind us. I shut my eyes, smiled wide, and held onto Kathryn’s arm for dear life. As soon as the picture was taken, we ran away from the edge like a bunch of maniacs.
It was a small thing, and a lot of people had the same fear of heights as I did, but I felt the slightest bit of pride once I had calmed down. I was very far from home, and I stood on the edge of one of the world’s biggest drops. I was experiencing a bad case of nerves, yes, but I hadn’t spiraled into a full blown panic attack. I was okay.
The three of us met up with the four boys in the roundabout. Then we went on another shuttle to a more isolated part of the area. There wasn’t a fence or railing of any kind here, which only made my intrusive thoughts louder.
“Oh, there’s a path we can take back to the Visitor Center,” said Tyler, who was reading a map. “It’s two miles.”
“Let’s go ‘splorin’!” Amy said excitedly.
So we did. We stayed in a group, with Mark and Tyler mostly leading the way. I stayed towards the back, just like at uni. The view was nice, there were red rocks and bluebirds everywhere. I wasn’t as cold anymore, now that I had been moving. My mind was less noisy as long as I didn’t look directly at the canyon.
“Whoa, there’s underground caves we can explore too!” Jack exclaimed. He was reading a pamphlet he got when we first arrived to the national park.
“Yikes,” I said in response.
That was enough for everyone to scrap the idea. Thank god.
Every now and again, we would stop at a particularly exciting ledge. Mark, Tyler, and Jack would stand at the very edge of the cliff for the thrill of it. Again, my mind was at full volume. Please don’t jump off. Or do. That would be fun. Shut up!
It was worse when Ethan decided to join them. He stepped through the mud, over to the wide open terrain. If I reacted, would I end up exposing us? I mean, he was a hair away from life and death, after all. It made sense, right?
“Mark, be careful!” Amy called.
Could I do that?
Ethan quickly turned and got away from the edge after a minute or so. “Nope!”
He was the only one to notice my sigh of relief, and I gave him a look. He responded by quickly squeezing my hand. What I needed was to hug him tight, but that couldn’t happen until later.
~
After the hike, we took another shuttle to one of the restaurants at the park. Now, I was hungry. I was starving, and it hurt. And I was very fucking tired.
Thankfully, it wasn’t busy when we got there. It was still a little too early for dinner. Once we were seated, I looked around for the bathroom. Then I looked for an emergency exit. They were right next to each other, towards the back of the restaurant. The tables surrounding those two doors were empty for now, so I had an easy getaway.
However, as time went on, the vicinity started to fill up. Things slowly started to get more and more hectic, and there was less and less space, making me feel cramped. I started to feel how I did in the car. The tables by the bathroom were getting occupied. Okay, I stood at the edge of a cliff today, yet a crowded restaurant was going to be the thing to break me.
I blacked out through dinner, so surely I didn’t burst into tears and ruin everything. Next thing I knew, we were on a shuttle back to the Visitor Center. I felt like I was a million miles away. I felt pins and needles in my hands and feet. The only time I made a coherent sentence was when I asked if I could drive to the hotel.
It was a shorter ride than I had anticipated. We checked in and got to our rooms, which were coincidentally on the same floor… right next door and across from each other. Jack and I roomed together. Ethan and Tyler were on the room to our left, Kathryn was across from us, and Mark and Amy were on our right. What a happy coincidence.
I knocked out almost as soon as I hit the bed. Being awake for thirty two consecutive hours had finally hit me. It was like my anxiety attack disappeared, and sleep took over.
When I woke up, there was someone next to me. Even in my groggy state, it startled me. I jumped and gasped, only to discover Ethan lying asleep next to me. Or… his eyes were half open, so I couldn’t really tell. I sat up on my elbows, looking at his face in thought. Suddenly, the picture he sent from PAX South made sense. I waved my hand in front of his face, which made him stir.
“Sorry,” I said gently. So he was asleep. Weird.
He groaned as he stretched his limbs, and then he swiftly rolled over and climbed over half my body. He lied his head on my chest and sleepily mumbled, “Titties…”
I chuckled and then quickly scanned the room. The other bed was empty, but I did hear the water running. “Is Jack here?”
“Showering,” Ethan replied, his cheek pressed rather painfully on my breast. Thankfully, he sat up. “I came to see you after we settled in, but you were asleep. So I decided to nap with you. Nap date!”
“Best date ever,” I said as I stroked the side of his face. “Good napping! Where does your roommate think you are?”
“Editing videos in the lobby,” he said, somewhat guilty. “But what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him. Anyway...” He moved a strand of hair from my face, his eyes trailing down my face. Then, he planted a soft kiss on my lips. “I wanted to do that all day.”
My face heated up at that. And all I wanted to do all day was pass out. What a good girlfriend I am.
Just then, we heard the bathroom door open. Ethan quickly rolled off of me right as Jack came around the corner. He caught wind of the tension though, like he had caught us doing something scandalous.
“Don't worry, I'm on my way out,” he told us as went to his suitcase on his bed.
“You don't have to leave,” I said.
“WiFi’s better in the lobby,” he replied. “I have some stuff to take care of.”
“Cool, have fun!” Ethan exclaimed.
Jack chuckled as he grabbed his laptop and slung his backpack over his shoulder. “All I ask is that you kids stay off my bed! And use protection!”
I groaned and rolled onto my front to hide how red my face had gone.
“Understood, Mr. Bella’s Dad, sir,” Ethan said.
I kept my face hidden until I heard Jack’s laughter go out the door. When I looked up, I found Ethan on his side, looking down at me. I smiled and reached for his hand.
“Thanks for letting me use your sweats today,” I told him. “You’ll never get them back.”
He chuckled. “I figured. Take care of them, they’re super comfortable.”
We hadn’t had a moment like this since Valentine’s Day. Even when we finally had a weekend off, we were still busy and had little time for each other. I knew I wouldn’t be able to relax here, knowing that we could get caught at any moment, but I did enjoy the time alone.
“How many layers are you wearing?” Ethan asked as he took the end of my sweater. “Aren’t you warm?”
He started to unzip me, and it felt a lot more intimate than it should have been. Then, he placed his hand inside my sweater, and leaning in to kiss my jaw. Of course, that all added to the angry bout of nerves tangled in my stomach. I was so anxious it actually hurt my lower abdomen.
Wait…
“Ethan,” I said, tapping his arm.
“Hmm?”
“I have to use the bathroom.”
He leaned back, a confused look on his face. But he let me go anyway. “Okay…”
I got up and dashed off to the small bathroom. Just as I had suspected, Mother Nature left me a present, and it made me groan in annoyance. Mildly embarrassed, I went back to the door and opened it a crack, peering my head out. “Ethan? Can you do me a favor?”
“What do you need?” he called back.
“There’s a bag in my suitcase,” I explained, internally cowering. “It’s black and has cats on it. Can you bring it?”
He did it without question. Surely he would know what was inside the bag just by looking at the design, right? I couldn’t help but feel mildly embarrassed regardless, despite that this was a way to test him. He passed, he didn’t get squeamish or weird when I returned to bed curled up in a fetal position.
“Aww, is someone getting menstrual cramps?” he cooed as he came around to spoon me.
I groaned in response, wanting to sink into the mattress.
“Are you in a lot of pain? Do you need anything?” he asked, more concerned now.
“No,” I mumbled, turning over so I could curl into his chest. I felt really gross and uncomfortable now that the symptoms were kicking in. “I’m fine.”
My phone suddenly dinged, and I debated ignoring it this time. Ethan was stroking my hair and kissing the top of my head, and it was distracting. But it dinged a second time, and it made me turn to reach for it on the bedside table. Fuck, was I glad to read the texts from Jack.
“Idk how crazy you guys are getting, but Tyler’s looking for the blue boi!”
“We’re going up there now! Put your clothes on! :p”
Panic struck my chest. I quickly sat up and told Ethan what was going on, so we acted fast. I mean, I knew we weren’t doing anything of what Jack was poking fun at, but we still didn’t want to get caught cuddling alone on the bed. I had an idea, so I grabbed my skin care products and rushed him into the bathroom.
By the time Jack came back to the room with Tyler on his tail, they found me applying some black goop onto Ethan’s face.
“What are you doing here?” Tyler asked him.
“Face masks,” he replied simply. “Bella brought some stuff. You want in?”
I offered a smile as I evened out the stuff on his face with a brush. I would have put a mask on myself, but I didn’t have enough time to wash off my makeup. I could only hope it didn’t seem inconspicuous.
“No thank you,” Tyler replied. “I was gonna go get food and see if you wanted to come, but uh, I’ll go ask Kathryn.”
“Bring me something!” Ethan called after him as he left the room.
Jack waited until he heard the door shut. “Guys, I don’t like lying!”
“One more day!” I promised.
“Or, we could have told Tyler now and made him not tell anyone,” Ethan suggested.
“You really think he’d keep it from Mark?” Jack asked in disbelief. “He’s more loyal to him. And anyway, I don’t think Mark would really care that you guys are together.”
“That’s what I keep saying!” Ethan gave me a look.
The second and final day of the trip was less hectic. I actually slept this time, and I woke up at a more reasonable hour. My appetite was still gone, though, so I only lived on one cup of coffee. I could survive with just one. I’ve done it before.
We went back to the park, but stayed in the gift shops, where it was warm and a lot more relaxed than the many cliffs and long drops. I bought a pocket knife and warm gloves that worked on touchscreens. It was all I needed.
After that, we went on a walk in the bone shattering cold. Apparently, you could live on the Grand Canyon, as there was a small town somewhere in the woods. Houses, schools, stores, and farms were all over the place. It was a nice walk, we chatted and enjoyed the scenery. We stumbled across a mule farm, and crossed some train tracks to get back to the Visitor Center.
My mind did a mental record scratch upon seeing the old, rusty tracks. One step onto them, and I felt like I was sixteen years old. I didn't want to cross them because it would only bring back a lot of painful memories, but life has no trigger warnings. This was the only way to get back to the Visitor Center: crossing the tracks.
“Bella?”
I had stopped in the middle of the tracks. Nothing was coming to end my life, but there was a small part of me that wanted to wait, just in case. I was fixed on the distance, torn between wanting to wait and wanting to run until I was physically pulled away.
My eyes were glossed over and everything sounded muffled. Jack tried talking to me, but it felt like I had shut down, and I couldn't respond. I was sure I made myself look insane and suicidal. Might as well stay silent and scare them more. Clench jaw. Pick at nails. Try not to have a melt down.
Maybe being far away from home was messing with my head. Maybe coming here was a bad idea. Maybe I was never meant to function normally.
We began the journey home in the afternoon. I drove, probably after Jack convinced the others that I needed to drive in order to function again. Eventually, my focus on the road leaked into focusing on the conversations in the car. I glanced in the rear view mirror. Amy, Kathryn, Ethan: second row. Tyler, Jack: third row. Then I heard the music playing. Ironically, it was a song that hit home, and for some reason I couldn't stop myself from quietly singing it.
“All that I know is I don't know
How to be something you miss
Never thought we'd have a last kiss”
“Look who's back,” Mark said gently. “You okay?”
“Yeah,” I replied softly.
“So…” he trailed off, and I noticed everyone else go silent. “You wanna talk about what happened back there?”
I scoffed. “I mean, I've freaked everyone out enough already.”
“We're more concerned than freaked out,” Ethan spoke. Of course he was listening. “You don't have to if you don't want to, obviously. But we're your friends, and we can listen.”
Logically, talking it out was supposed to help. Irrationally, I had to keep my guard up. I couldn’t trust these people. The odds were 50/50 here.
“Did anyone else think about how many people killed themselves at the Grand Canyon?” I asked, internally bracing myself.
“What?” Tyler asked in disbelief.
“Tyler!” Mark and Ethan snapped at the same time.
“Okay, forget I said anything!” I retracted with a nervous laugh.
“No, no, no!” Mark said, pointing a warning finger at me. “We’re talking about this! You’re doing good!”
“I looked it up,” Kathryn said. “It was… sixteen people.”
There’s the validation I needed. “Only sixteen? They’re probably hiding something.”
“It’s probably just off the edge,” Amy added. “I mean, we all saw the neighborhoods there. How many people ended their lives, like, in their bathrooms? Or on the train tracks?”
Tried it both ways myself. Still alive somehow.
There was a small, thoughtful wave of agreement in response to Amy. I kept thinking that it was going to be weird, that I was going to make things weird. But here we were, having a casual discussion about people killing themselves. Would I have been able to talk about this in the past?
“Sorry if I made things depressing,” I explained sheepishly. “It was, it was just an intrusive thought, and it kept bugging me.” That, and I was unexpectedly reminded of the time I drove to the train tracks by my house and sat on them until I chickened out. After that, I went home and cut my hair instead of my veins.
“Hey, you’re opening up,” Jack told me from the very back. “It’s a good thing.”
The sad song that was playing now ended, and in came a Fall Out Boy song. I didn’t think too much of it until I heard three gasps from the back seat. One look in the mirror showed Amy, Kathryn, and Ethan with excited looks on their faces.
“Turn it up!” Amy exclaimed.
I did, surprised. The three of them belted out the lyrics to Save Rock and Roll. Finally, some common ground. I saw Tyler and Jack dancing in their seats, even Mark was bopping his head. It was honestly a relief to see that they liked at least one thing I listened to.
Even after that song, Amy lit up at the fact that I listened to Ed Sheeran’s new singles. Even Mark liked them, much to my surprise.
“I love the nostalgia,” he commented. “It makes me think of my own hometown.”
Must be nice.
“I just like singing it,” I said in response.
Mark chuckled. “So you don’t think of the place you grew up in?”
“It does, but then I remember that I left all the bad stuff there, so it’s not exactly a pleasant string of thoughts.”
“Well, memories are a mix of good and bad. You gotta have at least one good thing about where you came from.” Then, he perked up como se prendió el foco. “Everyone has to share one good memory from their hometown.”
“Oo, I got one!” Jack piped up. “I used to climb all the trees around my house and pretend I was Spider-Man!”
“Nice, anyone else?” Mark asked.
“Driving with my friends to Boston,” Ethan added.
“That’s not your hometown, though!”
“It counts,” I said, trying not to sound defensive. “It’s a memory, it counts.”
Mark playfully rolled his eyes. “Okay. Who’s next?”
“A lot of mine involved you,” Tyler said. “There’s too many to pick.”
Again, must be nice.
“I liked Christmas time where I lived,” Amy chimed in. “Family time was always fun.”
Can’t relate.
“Me too,” Kathryn agreed. “Now that I live far from my family, I really miss it.”
Might as well look into the camera like I’m in The Office.
“I liked graduating high school,” I said simply.
I could see Mark smile from the corner of my eye. I was pretty sure he was the only one who knew why I liked that particular memory. I never told Jack, surprisingly, and I definitely had no plans to tell Ethan either.
That thought was cut off by Mark and I gasping at the song that played next. My hand immediately went to his arm, like it was an instinct, and I glanced at him with a smile. He returned the expression and then we both went to turn up the volume. Our hands touched, and suddenly I was taken out of the car and thrown back into 2015. Mark would listen to me sing, and out of all the songs I showed him, this was the one to stick.
“So you can keep me
Inside the pocket of your ripped jeans
Holding me close until our eyes meet
You won’t ever be alone
Wait for me to come home”
It still had a great deal of meaning, all of it came rushing back as the song played. Our romantic relationship was a closed chapter, and I wasn’t so focused on the end of it anymore. Mark brought a lot of good into my life, I had to admit that. If I hadn’t met him, where would I be?
We sang together. That was what I wanted for over a year. I finally got it, I finally heard our voices meld together, and I enjoyed it. He sang one part of a verse while I took on the next. For some reason, this meant more than the time we planned to sing for my channel.
“When I’m away, I will remember how you kissed me
Under the lamp post back on Sixth Street
Hearing you whisper through the phone
Wait for me to come home”
There was a nice moment of silence. My smile didn’t seem to falter. I could have gone as far to say that it was peaceful. Then, just as the next song began,
“So… Bella’s my girlfriend.”
Moment. Gone. What is peace? What is good? I sure as hell don’t know!
“What?” Mark asked as he turned down the volume and looked back. “What did you say?”
No, don’t do it.
“Bella and I are dating now,” Ethan calmly replied.
The silence that came after that could have crushed me like a bug. I was curling into myself before I could stop it. I felt my brain spark like it was short circuiting. This was not happening.
“Since when?” Mark sounded completely dumbfounded, like he had been smacked.
“Since January twentieth.”
“We’re doing this now?” I blurted out, my voice unnaturally raised.
“Wait, wait,” Tyler spoke up. “So you’ve been going out with Bella every night? That’s why you’re never home anymore?”
“Yup, I’ve been seeing her,” Ethan replied like nothing was wrong.
Another silence. I wanted to swerve into a semi if it meant avoiding this.
“How long were you waiting to tell us?” Mark was watching me.
Now I had an answer. “Well, we wanted to tell you, specifically, ‘cause like, I dated you and now I’m dating Ethan, and we weren’t sure if it was gonna be weird, and we were supposed to do this when we were back home! We made a plan! But y’know! Here we are now!” My voice went up an octave with every word.
“Okay, take it easy,” Mark told me. “Nothing is wrong. It’s… it’s cool that you guys are together.”
“Why didn’t I see that coming?” Amy wondered. “You guys actually seem like a decent fit.”
“So who else knew about this?” her boyfriend asked mock-seriously as he looked at everyone in the back. “Who was in cahoots with these two?”
“You know I knew about all of this,” Jack said. “I mean I live with her! Of course I knew!”
“Guilty,” Kathryn added.
“I live with Ethan and I had no idea!” Tyler said with a laugh.
Everything felt wrong! I felt exposed! I felt betrayed! Worse, I felt betrayed by my own boyfriend!
“I told you they’d take it well,” Ethan said to me.
I stayed quiet and chewed the inside of my lip.
“Bella?”
Nope.
“She said you guys made a plan?” Mark said, looking back at the traitor.
“Yeah, we were going to wait until we got home. I don’t know, I just decided to drop the bomb now. Let everyone know at once.”
“I see. Well, uh, stick to the plan next time. Just a word of advice.”
“Is she mad at me?”
“It’s just… y’know, the anxiety.”
“Yup,” I finally spoke. “Listen to the Bella Expert. He’ll tell you all about my irrationality.”
“Bella!” Jack said in a warning tone.
“What did I do?” Ethan asked.
“We had a plan!” I snapped, now angry. “How am I supposed to trust you if you can’t do this one thing?”
“Hey, hey, take it easy!” Mark tried to reassure. “Here’s what’s going to happen-”
“No!” I interrupted. “New plan: I’m not going to the office with you guys.”
“Bella-”
“I’m going to your house, I’m going to put my stuff in my car, and I’m going home. No one is going to follow me, and no one will contact me.”
“Bella, please-” Ethan tried.
“Especially you.”
Needless to say, the rest of the ride was silent, apart from the music playing on the radio.
~
“Okay, I was a little jealous that you were singing with her,” Ethan admitted, a range of emotions going through his chest. “So I said we're dating and… now she's mad at me! I didn't think she would get mad!”
“That’s the thing with Bella,” Mark explained, sounding exasperated, “if something goes against the plan, she shuts down. She avoids the situation and gets irrational. You can’t let her do that.”
Ethan sat there, trying to keep his cool, trying to control his impulse. He didn’t like that Mark was telling him how to handle his girlfriend. Like Bella had implied, he was no expert. But then again, Mark has dated his girlfriend. If there was one way to find out about her, then it was through her ex. It was the only option now that Bella had shut him out.
Somehow, he, Mark, Tyler, and Jack made it through filming some videos without letting the awkward tension leak on camera. Due to demands and deadlines, Ethan couldn’t afford to miss anything, despite that Mark said it was okay. If Ethan had left, he wouldn’t know what to do when he got to Bella’s place. She made it clear she didn’t want to be followed, what choice did he have? What other option was there than to talk to her ex-boyfriend?
“So what do I do, then?” he asked, finally turning around his chair, away from the computer.
Mark, now riled up from the fiasco in the car, let out a heavy sigh. He paced around the room, avoiding eye contact. “I asked her if she was seeing anyone and she lied to me. She can’t trust me as her friend, either.”
Ethan knew this was going to go sourly the minute the words had come out of his mouth. There was a part of him that wanted to be optimistic, but he knew. He knew and he still did it. He might as well pack his bags and run back to Maine. He might as well leave Bella… No, he couldn’t do that. He wasn’t going to be forced into choosing between his career and his relationship.
“You have to be patient with her,” Jack suddenly spoke up from the doorway. “Trust me, if you just sit with her quietly, she’ll eventually talk to you. She might be a little passive aggressive at first, but if she really cares, you’ll get through to her.”
How have they never dated? Ethan wondered, but he knew better than to say that out loud.
Mark was looking at Jack incredulously, probably wondering the same thing. It didn’t seem like it was helping the tension.
“I live with her,” Jack told him, “and I know you hate to hear this, but I’ve spent more time with her than you ever have.”
“That’s not true,” he tried to rebuttal.
“It is. That’s something she would always tell me, and it really hurt her. I could go on, but it’s not about that right now,” Jack concluded, his voice firm. Then he went over and sat next to Ethan.
It was probably a bad way to think, but Ethan almost felt smug that Mark and Bella’s relationship wasn’t as picture perfect as he originally thought. This whole time, he had been thinking about how he could never get up to Mark’s level, that Mark probably made Bella way happier than he, Ethan, ever could. He saw evidence of that when they were singing in the car. But the fact that Jack just confirmed that that wasn’t the case… Was it bad to think this way?
“You know Bella has some issues,” Jack told him, “and I’m not saying that like she’s a car that needs to be repaired. She’s working on it, and she’s been getting better. I just think…” He trailed off, and looked back at Mark, unsure of what to say.
The room was still tense. Mark was standing at the desk opposite Jack and Ethan, watching them with utter guilt on his face. But then, he sighed and walked over to them. He sat down in one of the chairs by the monitors and looked directly at Ethan.
“After what I did to her,” he began, “don’t be surprised that she’s pushing you away. That she kicked you out of her home, that she questions everything you say and do, that she loses sleep over things like this. She thinks that people like her can’t have a happy ending. She thinks she’s not allowed to be happy. She thinks that she’s second or third or fourth priority, that she’s not important enough for you to make time for her. She thinks that her illness makes her unworthy and unlovable. I made her think that way, and I will spend the rest of my life regretting that.” Mark paused, looking down and squeezing his eyes shut before composing himself. “You need to prove to her that she can be loved unconditionally, because that’s what she deserves. You need to show her again and again that you are there for her and that you will not make her feel like a second priority.”
Ethan nodded, taking these words into consideration. “I’m trying. It’s hard, but I’m trying. I want to make her happy.”
“Hey, trust me dude,” Jack reassured, “you’ve made her really happy so far. And yes, she does take things to heart a lot, but that will make the good things that much better.”
Ethan liked hearing that, but he still felt a shred of doubt. “I want to help her… I can tell, she… she has a lot to talk about, but she won’t let me hear any of it. It feels like...”
“She sees you as the enemy,” Mark finished. “Yeah. Give it time, she will come around. When she cares about you, it shows. You just need to be ready for anything. Whether it’s a panic attack or a depressive episode, you have to be there, especially now that we all know what she’s capable of doing to herself.”
“But don’t treat her like a ticking time bomb, either,” Jack added. “She’s still a person. Oh, and don’t make any threesome jokes when talking about her sexuality. Don’t say it’s hot that she’s bi either. She hates that.”
“So just treat her like a normal person,” Ethan concluded. “And let her go at her own pace. I can do that.”
“You've got this,” Mark told him. “You're good to her. And… she doesn’t seem as down anymore, and now I think I know why.”
“Because she chose to work on herself,” Jack reminded him. “She needed a push from us, but she made the decision.”
The other two nodded in agreement. Then, Ethan looked at Mark and wondered for a second. “Why were you so okay with it when I told you? About me and Bella?”
“She tried to kill herself because of me. Who am I to tell her what she can and can't do?”
platonic/romance/angst/(smut at one point but it’ll only be on ao3)
previous chapter
“Run that by me again?” I asked, shocked.
Mark was a little taken aback at my outburst. “I want you to be involved in this project. You’ll get to work with all of us. You’ve been… an inspiration to me. I understand it sounds a little-”
“Invasive,” I finished, folding my arms. “You’re basing your alter ego, one that your fans worship, off of my personal struggles, and-”
“That’s why I’m giving you control over that particular thing. You can’t expect me to call off this project, there’s already so much that’s gone into it!” Mark argued. “And you’re the one who inspired a majority of what this ego is! Don’t you remember you telling me your ideas a couple years ago?”
“I was drunk and destructive!” I shot back. I paced his living room, fuming. “That was me venting, that wasn’t for your creative process! God, I should have known! This was why you started talking to me again, right? You just wanted something from me!”
“Now hold on-”
“You were just manipulating me! And I fell for it, como una pinche pendeja! No lo puedo creer!”
“Listen to me!” Mark snapped, his voice booming. Then he brought it down a notch. “If you don’t want to be involved in this project, then fine. It’s going to happen with or without you. But I have never tried to manipulate you into anything! I promise you, I would never do something like that.”
I didn’t say anything to that. My defensiveness only rose higher. He had to be lying. He brought me back into his life just as he started working on this project that included the alter ego that was the representation of my dark and intrusive thoughts. That had to be the only reason why he contacted me.
“Alright, you know what?” Mark spitefully said. “Wait until the videos come out. You’ll see what manipulation is. You’ll see the difference between me and whatever you’re feeling right now.”
Rolling my eyes, I grabbed my purse and left his house. I couldn’t believe how stupid I was to fall for any of this. He just needed me for something, and then he would leave again. He didn’t want to be friends again. Why would he want to be friends with me?
I came home to an empty apartment. I didn’t have any classes to keep me busy today, and the only two people I talked to had their own things to worry about. I was alone again.
But then I thought about Ethan. He was apart of Mark’s big project. Was he apart of the “Manipulating Bella” plan? Did Mark tell Ethan to pretend to date me to let my guard down, just so Mark could sneak in and take more away from me? Was that all I was to them?
My phone was pulled out of my pocket, and I was typing a frantic message to Ethan as I paced around the living room. “I know what you’re doing and I’m not stupid enough to fall for it! Mark already told me what was going on and what he wanted from me! Never talk to me-”
Suddenly, I stopped typing. Was I going to dump him so abruptly? Over a text?
That’s what he deserves, said the bad voice in my head.
Does he, though? Did this really make any sense?
Quickly, I backspaced and wrote out a different message. “Do you actually like me?” Too desperate, try again. “What do you think of me?” That’s better. I hesitated for a moment before sending it.
The time it took for him to reply went agonizingly slow. I continued pacing and rubbing my hands together, and then nearly screamed when someone knocked on the door. I had a fleeting moment of sheer panic, but then the lightbulb going off in my head made me relax again. But then I wanted to smack myself in the forehead. Ethan was supposed to come over today. That meant we were going to have quite the conversation.
“Did you get my text?” was the first thing I said to him. My mind was starting to spiral, and I had to come back to earth before I impulsively dumped him.
“Um, yeah. I’m glad I came over, actually,” he replied, entering the vicinity. “Is everything okay?”
There were so many things I was feeling, I couldn't put any of them into a coherent sentence. I couldn't lie and say I was fine, either. Ethan had already seen my text, and I couldn't keep the worried look off my face. I walked towards the living room with him following after me.
“So what do you think of me?” I asked, but then I had to explain. “I know I probably sound insane and I'm sorry, but I'm… I feel like…” I paused, not know which emotion to express. “I feel like I'm freaking out over nothing?”
He looked worried, but also confused. “Um… did something happen?”
This wasn't helping. “Do you still like me?”
“Yeah, of course,” he said without hesitating.
“Why?”
He shrugged lightly, like this was no big deal to him. “‘Cause… you get me. And you're funny and talented and… you're patient with me. I don't know, it's not coming out the way it is in my head. There's a lot of reasons.”
I nodded. I knew he had trouble getting his words together. I knew that feeling all too well. “Can you… tell me I'm being paranoid?”
“You're being paranoid,” he said like it was a question. “Bella, what happened?”
Now I was hesitating. A huge ball of emotion and tears were stuck in my throat. I needed someone to tell me that I was being stupid, that the anxiety was playing with me again, because I couldn’t trust myself to calm down alone. Ethan was here, and he wasn’t scared off yet.
I sighed, and then I explained what went down with Mark earlier in the day. Somehow, I didn’t cry, but my speech was shaky and frantic. “...a-and you work for him, and I had a moment of…”
“You think I would manipulate you?” he finished in disbelief. “I’d never do that, I promise.”
“Promise is a big word that adds pressure,” I said.
“Well… I would never do anything to hurt you. You gotta trust me.”
Trust? Don’t know her. Don’t like her… but I have to play nice with her. No more shutting people out. I talked about this so I could feel better and come to some sort of solution.
I nodded lightly. “I’m trying.”
“Okay. Trying counts as progress.” He paused. “I… I know things like this aren’t easy for you… but I’m glad you were able to tell me.”
What is it about Ethan that makes these things less difficult? A year ago, I could barely tell Mark what I wanted for dinner, much less be intimate with him. Maybe things were better off this way.
~
A few days later, it was Jack’s birthday. I had gotten him a bundle of Overwatch merch (like he needed more) and then… we went to Mark’s house for a little celebration. The only reason why I went was because it’s my best friend, and I reminded myself of the time he ditched his other friends at Thanksgiving because of me. Also, Ethan was there. So were Tyler, Kathryn, and Amy. To them, I was only there because of Jack, but it wasn’t as awkward as I had anticipated.
“Did you have a good birthday?” I asked once we were back in the car.
“Yeah,” Jack replied, still high from the euphoria and the drinks he had. “It was fun. Were you okay? I noticed you didn’t drink at all.”
“I had to drive,” I said. “And I did this for you. Plus, I didn’t have a panic attack, so that’s cool.”
“It was a great day!” Jack cheered, throwing his arms up. “Let’s get ice cream!”
I giggled. “Whatever the birthday boy wants.”
“In that case, let’s also get a yacht and twelve puppies!”
After going to a Sonic drive-thru, I took us home. It was late in the evening, and I was mildly exhausted from all the interaction. But Jack was still a bundle of energy, like always. When we sat on the couch, I took out my phone and posted an old selfie of us on Instagram with a heartfelt happy birthday caption. I hadn't checked my social media all day, but I could guess that I was probably getting yelled at for not publicly wishing my friend a happy birthday.
“So how was it pretending not to be Ethan's girlfriend?” asked that particular friend.
“Easy, because you were there,” I replied, still scrolling on my phone.
“Why didn't you guys tell everyone? It seemed like the perfect time,” Jack mused. “They were all there.”
I chuckled. “I'm not stealing your thunder on your birthday.”
“I wouldn't have minded! Now you guys have to pretend to not be dating when we're all together for a weekend,” he said.
That was true. Another thing that happened at the party was Mark, Tyler, and Ethan's idea for all of us to take a trip to the Grand Canyon at the end of the month. Don't get me wrong, I was still salty at Mark about the Darkiplier thing. If it wasn't for Ethan and Jack, then I would have turned down the trip. A weekend with the friends Mark abandoned me for? It sounded like a nightmare. But I was trying to be a bigger, stronger person.
“Hmm, do you think Mark would be mad if I told him about me and Ethan?” I wondered, leaning back so I was slouching.
Jack thought about it. “Well, he was mad when he found out you and I were friends, and we didn’t even try to hide that.”
I chewed my lip nervously. “Oh man. And you guys aren’t as close anymore because of that?”
“I wouldn’t say that. He threw a party for me, and we had a good time. Sometimes friends grow distant for a little bit. And besides… he hurt you pretty bad. But time goes on.”
After all this time, I still didn’t understand how Jack picked me over Mark, but I didn’t feel like getting into that. My mind was too clogged up for any more overthinking. I was already less sad about life and being alive, I didn’t want to soil it with my own intrusive thoughts.
We continued on with the week, already accustomed to our YTU schedules. Awake and out of the house by seven. Drop off Jack. Go back home and sleep. Breakfast is optional. Seeing the boyfriend is also optional. Classes from twelve to four. Dinner by six. Spend the rest of the day with either the bestie or the boyfriend.
One day, though, I got out of my psych lecture when Ethan had some downtime. We met up on the courtyard and walked around the area, keeping a decent distance apart. There were lurkers and gossip channels all over. Not that anyone paid any attention to us, I was just mildly paranoid. Plus, on some gossip channels, I was still painted as ‘Markiplier’s Crazy Ex-Girlfriend,’ so that’s fun.
“Have you made any new friends?” I asked as we strolled by the fountain.
“Yeah, I talk to some people in my classes,” he replied. “Well, in one class. I have Mark and Amy in video production and bio.”
“Cool,” I said, even though I was surprised to hear about those two. Didn’t know Mark decided to come back, and to bring his non-YouTuber girlfriend with him. “My biology class requires group work, and I’m trying really hard not to drop the course.”
“Aw, no. Do you talk to anyone at all?”
I shook my head. “I could literally be failing the class and I won’t ask for help or anything.”
“Whoa… wait. So, being in a room full of people is really stressful for you, right?”
“Yeah.”
“So then… why did you enroll here in the first place?”
There was a huge story behind that, but I stuck with the short answer. “My followers.”
I stopped in my tracks when my phone rang. My stomach sank when I discovered a new Twitter DM from someone named ‘Peebles.’ Oh crap, today’s the day.
“So, um,” I said to Ethan, unable to tear my eyes away from the screen, “did I tell you that Amy wanted to meet up with me?”
“Really?” he asked, surprised. “Now?”
I nodded, reading over the message. “She wants to meet at The Tube in about an hour.”
“Are you nervous?”
“Always.”
“Hey,” Ethan said, putting his hand on my shoulder, “it’ll be okay. I know Amy, she’s really cool once you get to know her. And she’s really nice, and she’s probably just as nervous as you are.”
I took a deep breath. “Okay. Okay… it’s fine. This is fine.”
“Do you need a distraction or something?”
“Yes please.”
“Wanna drop me off at the office?”
It was a good idea. Driving took my mind off of things. Although, it was a fairly short ride from campus to the office, and Ethan had to get out of the car quickly just in case the blonde alien lady left the building. Although, he did quickly duck back in to kiss me goodbye, and then he went on his way to the office.
Getting to The Tube was a bit more stressful, because I didn’t have anyone to talk me down from the oncoming anxiety attack. I was in the parking lot, trying not to hyperventilate. I should have suggested another place to meet up, given that this particular diner didn’t have a nice place in my history. But I was here now, and I couldn’t back out. It would only make things worse.
We met up and sat at a booth. Thankfully, it wasn’t so busy at this hour. Nerves were still pretty high, though. She ordered a coffee, and I stuck with water.
“Sorry I took a while to contact you,” she began. “So much has been going on, there’s this project we’re all working on. It’s taking up a lot of time.”
“Yeah, I heard,” I told her. “Mark was telling me some stuff about it.” And I turned into a mega-bitch, which I was sure he told Amy about.
She nodded. “Yeah… um, how often do you talk to him?”
The reason why we were here: Mark. I shoved my hands under my thighs to keep them from shaking, but then my whole body began to tremble. I made myself rigid to keep myself still. The last thing I need is for my physiological symptoms to show and freak her out.
“Usually, once a week,” I replied. “But he’s been busy, so…”
“And you guys talk about… the past?”
I shrugged. “Yeah. Mistakes we made, moving on. I kind of assumed that he had told you.”
“Yeah, he tells me some things. I know it’s between you guys, so I try not to butt in. I know he’s doing this so he and I can have a better relationship.” She paused. “And he wants to be friends with you.”
“That’s because we were friends before we dated,” I said.
“I know. He would talk about you… like, when we first met.”
Blood began pounding in my ears. If I had eaten anything at all today, I would have thrown it back up. I couldn’t even drink my water.
“He never told me about you,” I softly admitted. “I never knew you existed until he broke up with me.”
Amy’s face fell a little. She leaned back in her seat and stayed quiet.
“I-I mean,” I went on, trying to fill the silence, “it was… it was random, I guess. He very recently told me how long he had known you and I… I suppose it made sense, given how the last couple of months of our relationship were. I don’t know, I just wish I had known about you sooner. Maybe things would have been different. I mean, it still would have hurt, but maybe I wouldn’t have tried to kill myself, I don’t know-”
“Whoa, wait,” Amy suddenly said, sounding concerned and shocked. “What do you mean you tried to kill yourself?”
My eyes widened. For a second, I stayed frozen in my position, my mouth agape. “He never told you?”
“No? Oh my god…” Amy trailed off. “I’m… was it because of him, or us?”
Here we go. Time to hold her hand and not make her feel like a total asshole.
“No,” I replied, but then again I couldn’t lie. “Not necessarily. I’ve had my fair share of bad shit happen, along with my disorders... and for a while, Mark was giving me hope and strength. Then he was gone. But I’m not blaming my shitty mental health on him or your relationship with him. I think…” I sighed as I came to a conclusion that I had to admit. “I think I had it coming with or without the breakup.”
Amy sat there, still looking very distressed and caught off guard. “I-I’m so sorry. I had no idea that happened.”
“Really?” I asked, now confused. “I mean, well, I told him not to tell anyone when it happened, but I assumed that you would have been the exception. Where did you think he was when he disappeared for a couple of weeks?”
“I was still living in Boston. All he told me was that he broke up with you, so I gave him some space until I moved here. I can’t believe he never told me.”
I hesitated. “That’s on me. I asked him to keep it to himself. I realize now that that wasn’t the best idea.”
“Well, I imagine you were in a really dark place,” Amy said solemnly. “It’s not an easy thing to talk about.”
I nodded. “Pretty much.”
The air was awkward all over again. If I had known that Amy never knew about my attempt, I would have kept my mouth shut. Now she knew things about me, personal things. I couldn’t help but feel exposed. It was worse knowing that I had exposed myself in front of the girl that Mark had left me for. It probably wasn’t surprising to her that Mark had decided to dump me.
“So, the Grand Canyon,” Amy said, changing the subject. “You’re really up for that?”
I nodded, despite that her change in tone only added to the nerves. Was it really a good idea for me to go? To all of ‘Teamiplier,’ I was the ex-girlfriend. I was sure to make everything uncomfortable. My presence in general was uncomfortable. Why did I agree to go on this trip?
“Okay, well I hope it’s fun for the both of us.” She smiled.
“Me too.” It’ll only be fun if I could be slightly intoxicated once we got to the park, but lord knows that won’t happen.
~
“Don’t freak out, and don’t get mad okay?” read the text from Ethan.
Honestly, I had taken one step back into my apartment, ready to recover from the day I had. But no, I had to worry and stress even more, just because of the way my boyfriend had worded his text.
“What’s going on?” I replied as I took deep breaths. He wouldn’t break up with me over a text, would he? He wouldn’t tell me anything really serious over a text, right?
Before I could pace in a frantic manner, I got another text.
“Kathryn knows about us. But she won’t tell anyone!”
My eyes widened. I didn’t know how to form a coherent sentence, so I just smashed my keyboard and sent the jumble of letters to him. Then, before I could panic, I sent, “How???”
“Can I tell you over dinner?”
“I have to know NOW otherwise I’ll lose my mind over it until I see you.”
My stomach sank further. Any normal person wouldn’t get so twitchy and irrational over something like this. I was aware of this, yet I was still playing terrible scenarios in my head of Mark finding out and then firing Ethan. Or worse, Mark making Ethan choose between his relationship and his career. Oh god, would I be able to handle that?
Ding!
“I had on lip gloss… from when you kissed me in the car… She kept asking about it, so I told her about us and I made her not tell anyone!”
Well shit. This was my fault. I was going to be the reason why we were exposed before we were ready.
“FUCK,” I typed. “Are you sure she won’t say anything? Did she say anything else?”
“I promise she won’t tell. She’s my friend, I swear she’s cool. Look, can I come over? Idk if this is making you anxious, I wanna make sure you’re okay.”
I sighed, now feeling guilty. I was losing my mind over this whether I liked it or not.
“I’m sorry I’m such a mess over this ugh,” I sent.
