#yoi diary

[yoikami]

I am in a shitty situation and no money but I'm still grateful I can have food and water bottles. I can sew, I can sleep when I'm in too much pain, I have friends, pets and live kind of like a hermit. I have wishes and dreams I really hope to achieve and even bigger limitations but I'll never give up, I'll keep pushing. When you're at the bottom of a pit you can only climb back up. And if your ladder breaks, you keep working on fixing it, making it stronger and more solid over the years. It doesn't mean I won't ever fall down a pit again but I'll be stronger and prepared.

[yoikami]

It's hard to consider there is still hope in a good future for me with an illness like this. I feel useless in my own house. If my mother wasn't the single bedt human being I would be living in the messiest dietiest place, not able to feed myself properly, not able to clean and shower in the same day.

I can barely try to sew, make plushies and work things out, in spite of everyone's cheerings. I can't even drive because on top of being ill I'm extremely poor but I always got by from having a roof and food. That felt like it was enough. But slowly I'm realizing how crippled I truly am, how having depression was already hard enough but two physical illnesses make my life more than impossible. I'm not gonna give up on life but I'm just not able to qualify my worth without a proper job, a proper non anxious mind, a proper health. I'm fed up with not being good enough at my dreal job, fed up with my weak body, fed up with everything that stops me from building a good future.

[yoikami]

I hate how she is on the same planet, just there but I can't reach her without eventually breaking her mentally from going back home. Living on this Earth without being able to bond physically with the one I truly love is sometimes such bullshit to me.

I can't find a resolution that is not depressing. Nothing can not hurt her. This makes me feel like wanting to blow up the entire planet.