I’ve been wondering this for a while, but I wasn’t quite sure how to phrase it kindly, because I do mean it kindly. I’ve followed you for a while and I feel like I’ve seen a lot of defending Mish, which is definitely sometimes warranted, but also sometimes feels like it comes at the expense of other fans. I guess what I am asking is: Do you think any criticism of Jensen or Misha is fair? When do you think fandom becomes toxic positivity? Even if Misha was/is queer, are we comfortable with him using bisexuality, topping, and queerness writ large as a punchline? Why is it okay for him but not Jared? Sorry this is getting long 🤪 but I’d love to hear your thoughts.
I'm going to try and respond to this with as much kindness as I can because I believe you put the effort into your phrasing but please understand this has been an invalidating and exhausting week for me personally for various reasons, and my kindness capacity and spoons are at negative five point two. (got long so here's the cut)
That being said, I've been fairly quiet on here in respect to the current situation, because I received actual death threats from people when I said something positive about Jensen after Denver and honestly since then expressing my opinion on this type of thing hasn't felt as safe or comfortable.
My view of the situation is that everyone is to blame including the fandom. I think the sooner we stop pointing fingers and trying to pin our COLLECTIVE BLAME (Misha, fans, tabloids, antis, assholes) on someone else and take accountability for our role in the situation, the better things will be. Yes, there was valid hurt on parts of fans who wanted to see a part of themselves in someone they admire and its absolutely justifiable to express that hurt. There's nothing reprehensible in saying "I thought he really meant what he said and now I am disappointed."
But hurt feelings and pain do not give anyone a blanket card to be completely and utterly horrible to strangers on the internet (which includes both fellow fans and Misha himself, because despite his openness with the fans - he remains a stranger to us. we do not know anything about his private life or identity. we are familiar with his public image).
I hate the word toxic positivity and honestly calling out others' behavior when it's inappropriate - in APPROPRIATE WAYS, is anything but this. But the vitriol and lashing out I see all around me is not coming from Misha. It is coming from the fans.
In respect to the joke commentary, I do not think Misha has ever treated actual queerness as a punchline. yes, he has made jokes (of a lesser extent than other jokes I see here daily and frankly find over the top myself at times, regardless of the way a person making that joke identifies), but in my personal opinion the community is not nor has ever been treated as the butt of those jokes. If anything everyone laughed along with him, and encouraged him to make more. There's also an entire essay I'd like to write separately that delves into heteronormative standards that are engrained within each of us whether we like it or not but its too much and probably too soon for me to open that dialogue. It suffices for now to say, that in my personal opinion - if we're going to delve into the appropriateness of a joke, I think that appropriateness stems from the joke itself and not the identity of the person making it. You don't get to flash a queer card to excuse the perpetuation of homophobia, even in a humorous way (if Misha has made jokes to this level I agree he should apologize, but that should have also been called out in the moment instead of 'permitted because he may have been considered a person in the community due to his identity and therefore excused to make any joke of any caliber').
This leads me to the fact that all of this begs the question of why anyone currently thinks it's okay to demand private information about someone's sexuality - even if that person is a celebrity. Requiring proof of queerness for acceptance in the community is equivalent to a forced outing of someone who may not be ready to be out. It's also denying entry to those here who may not identify with a certain label, or those who may have identified as straight and are currently questioning that label on whatever basis. This space is about inclusion, not exclusion. A person cannot understand someone else's journey while viewing it solely through the lens of their own, and that's why I firmly believe that there should be a place at the table for anyone seeking it. In more specific comment, treating 'straightness' as something other than a place on what is a very fluid spectrum of sexuality and personal identity, is once again aligning with the structural rigidity of heteronormativity and the patriarchal desire to put people in categories so they can then simply be brushed aside for the advancement of a small elite group. These norms and standards are DESIGNED to produce this exact kind of infighting. Accepting all under the umbrella of community, banding together as a collective to fight the actual evil instead of fighting each other? This is how we resist.
Please note you haven't asked me my own identification or label, and I haven't provided one. Does this make my words less valid? Should I have to preliminarily justify my own reasons for being able to share this opinion with you? Do I belong here? See how muddy the waters get?
I do believe valid criticism of a celebrity's comments and actions is appropriate; and Misha has invited this over and over - he is a person who wants to learn and be educated, and this is part of the reason the apology was made in the first place. But dragging someone through the mud and making memes about what was a sincere and earnest statement is not education.
I won't speak about Jensen because he is not at the center of the current topic of discourse, but my thoughts about him are similar in that he has shown himself to be an advocate and supporter, and has learned and grown from prior statements he has made because he has listened and educated himself.
In respect to Jared, I've thought a lot about the things I myself have said about him in the past on this site, and I regret them. They were mean-spirited, and despite my feelings at the time - that is still not okay. He's also a person. He's learning. We should show all humans a modicum of grace (again - by vocally speaking out if words are harmful, but also by educating and recognizing if change has been made - which, I believe, it has.). For example - I have seen people on here excuse others' hurtful words and conduct because they are in pain and struggling. Should that not apply to all people?
Of course, while I think that feeling hurt and pain as a reaction to someone's words is absolutely valid and necessary - holding ON to that pain, carrying it with you for a long period of time, turns it into something separate and apart from the person and the words that creates more lasting harm. I am sorry for those who are still hurting. I am hurting too, but it's honestly more over the statements that were made by fandom itself and not what Misha said - which may be why my words come across as 'defending Misha at the expense of fandom' - because what I saw that touched my hurting spaces came from FANS, and not from him. I am doing my best to give those people grace as well, to understand that this is coming from personal places of trauma. And that's exactly why finger pointing and blaming each other won't get any of us through this quickly or easily.
Either way, I'm working towards processing it all and moving forwards, and I truly hope everyone else is doing the same. We are here to find joy and escape. I don't want that part of fandom to go away.
Sorry this is so clumsily put. I'm very tired.