#youareher

[iris-claire]

@Regrann from @breelfilms - GLOW IN THE DARK TOGETHER #JeLLYWOLF A Film by Alma Har’el made with love at BRF #YouAreHer #TheFifthSense - #regrann #lisabonet

[you-are-her-she-is-you]

2009 I got my Wish

He was supposed to be driving me home.  He was supposed to be my friend

He drove down a dirt road, to the middle of nowhere. He stopped the car and put his keys in his pocket. 

“Where are we? Why are we here?” I asked, very confused.  He simply smiled and pushed my head to his crotch.  I pulled away.  

“What are you doing?” I screamed.

“Come on girl, you know you want it.” I pushed away. “The faster you suck me off the quicker I will take you home.”

I weighed my options.  He’s faster than me.  He’s stronger than me.  I don't know where we are.  Giving in seemed like my smartest option.  

Being used for someone else’s pleasure did not feel like I thought it would.

[you-are-her-she-is-you]

2008 Alone in my Bedroom I first got the idea from a movie, Thirteen.  Everything about that movie described my life so perfectly, and the parts that didn't, were what I wished my life was like.  Cutting her wrists made her feel again, so maybe it could help me, right?

I’m not really sure why I started cutting, to be honest.  At the time it seemed like the only thing that would help.  I was just so sad.  So lonely.  And he was always just so, him.  By the time I was thirteen, their arguing had mostly stopped.  Now it was just silence.  When he was mad at me, instead of hitting or yelling, he would just give me the silent treatment.  He would go days without saying one word to me.  This was worse than him yelling.  I was non-existent.  

He wouldn’t ignore my sister though.  In his eyes, there was nothing that she could do wrong.  She was his angel, his pride and joy. And I was, well, an accident.  He only ever wanted one child, and after he got his perfect baby, he was done.  My mom knew she wanted one more so she didn't tell my father when she stopped taking birth control three years later.  And that is how they ended up with me.  He never wanted me.  I think, in a way, he resented me for this.  As if somehow it was my fault that I had been born.  Sometimes I wished I hadn’t. 

The first time I cut my wrists, I stole one of my dad’s exacto knife blades.  I pressed it deeply into my skin and dragged down hard.  I was so pleased with myself when little drops of blood began to ooze out.   I felt so alive!  The pain was invigorating.  From that night on, I was hooked.  Almost every night, I would retreat to my room and slice.  One cut per day I had to exist in his house.  I couldn’t wear short sleeves anymore my wrists were getting so beat up.  But I didn’t care, I liked having my little secret. 

The hardest part of keeping this secret was when I had to go to swim practice.  Once we were in the pool it was fine, but for that half an hour of dryland training in our bathing suits, I had to keep my wrists in close to my body at all times.  I did not succeed though.  One day, our assistant coach, Cassie saw them.  I let my wrists show for just a split second and she immediately gave me a disappointed look.  She pulled me aside and grabbed my wrists.  She shuddered at the bloody mess my wrists had become.  

“I know this seems like the only option right now, but I need you to stop cutting yourself immediately.  If I notice you don't stop, I will tell your parents, and Coach Dave.  And you know if he finds out he will kick you off the team.”

I could tell she was dead serious.  I couldn’t make eye contact with her, I was too ashamed.  I simply nodded and walked away.  She was crazy if she thought I was going to stop.  For the first time in years I actually felt alive.  I was not going to let some snooty college girl ruin that for me.  I also certainly wasn’t going to be kicked off the team that was one of my only outlets.  So, I simply switched to cutting my ankles from that day on. 

[you-are-her-she-is-you]

2003 Phoenix Arizona.  

I am playing kelly dolls on the cold concrete floor.  My sister is busy trying to finish her science fair project. They are in the kitchen fighting.  He calls her names and slams things around.  It probably about money, it usually is.  I focus deeper into my imaginary world.  But in this imaginary world, it is not all rainbows and daisies.  It’s a dark world with bad people that do bad things.  But I like the bad people.  I let them come and take me away.  Because at least if they take me away, I won’t be here anymore.  With him.  

They stop fighting and my mom dutifully goes back to her endless tasks as his wife.  Now it is time for my least favorite part of the day, shower time.  He takes me into the bathroom and makes me strip.  I am developing already and have little baby hairs starting to grow on my privates.  Little baby breasts are starting to poke out.  I know I am much too old to still have to shower with my father.  “It saves water,” he says.  I reluctantly get in the shower with him and he washed my body for me.  He likes to put shaving cream on my breast and privates then watch me wash it off.  He never touches me anywhere else though, never “inappropriately.” We finish our shower and he dries me off with the same towel he just dried his privates with.  I don’t understand why he does this to me, control I guess…

I quickly dress and go back to playing with my dolls.  Some might say a nine year old shouldn't be playing with dolls still, but it is my safe place; a place where I can be in control.  In today’s game of dolls, little Emily was kidnapped, raped, and impregnated.  But she chose to stay with the man and raise the baby.  Some control huh... I quickly dress and go back to playing with my dolls.  Some might say a nine year old shouldn't be playing with dolls still, but it is my safe place; a place where I can be in control.  In today’s game of dolls, little Emily was kidnapped, raped, and impregnated.  But she chose to stay with the man and raise the baby.  Some control huh...

[thisislparrlla]

After all these years I do not stop looking at you sometimes still open-mouthed I do not finish understanding do not stop amaze how it should never end you are her among so many people you are her and you've always been❤ TU SEI LEI ❤ @lparrilla #alwaysandforever #youareher #myqueen #evilregals https://www.instagram.com/p/Bq5qiGzgQ4d/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1hagv3yy6251v