#young intj

[intj-life]

hi there. as an intj, what are your thoughts on life being a simulation?

I definitely consider it a possibility. Would I live my life differently if it were? Not really, although I had a period in which I was very fascinated by the concept of waking up in your “real life” after you die, as if this whole thing were only a dream. Fun stuff.

[intj-the-cynical-idealist]

The Truth About INTJs

Being an INTJ on the internet means constantly being bombarded by assumptions about your type. Sometimes their meant to be funny, sometimes they’re unfair, and sometimes they’re scrambling to undo the damage the unfair ones have done. In this post I’m going to try to explain how the stereotypes about INTJs are true, and how they are false, without trying to paint them (us) as devils, or overcompensating and depicting us as saints.

There are several key characteristics of an INTJ that produce results that are often confusing to people with more normal emotional and rational processes. If you’re familiar with the enneagram, you can start there. To my knowledge INTJs almost always have type 5 in their enneagram tritype somewhere. In addition they tend towards either higher type 1 or higher type 8. Basically this comes together to create a personality that is motivated to be rational, reasonable, and in control. The INTJ wants to approach things practically and avoid things like other people and their own emotions influencing their rational approach.

Unfortunately for INTJs they are also extremely sensitive. Like ISTJs they lead with an introverted perceiving function and have a tertiary Introverted feeling, but unlike ISTJs they don’t learn to deal with “how the world works” as quickly. Ni/Fi is an extremely fragile pair of introverted functions that cares deeply about things that a lot of people don’t even notice. INTJs tend to take things very seriously and can get very upset when things don’t go as planned. The world is a scary place for an INTJ, who just wants to sit back and figure things out before being thrown into the fray. Of course in real life, the fray comes to you. And then INTJs get hurt, a lot. They get thrown into situations that they aren’t comfortable with, and forced to figure things out as we go, which for younger INTJs with lower self confidence and esteem, is a recipe for disaster.

This is were the rational, reasonable, and in control, part comes in. INTJs, like anyone else, hate being hurt emotionally. Unlike most people however, they don’t just hope for things to get better, they approach  the problem with pragmatism. Opening up to people tends to get you hurt? They’ll avoid everyone. People say mean things? They’ll hone their sarcasm to defend themselves. Trying to do anything interesting often ends in failure? They’ll just stay in their room. INTJs are so irritated by the feeling of helplessness that a tough situation brings that they would often rather abandon friendships, activities, and social interaction in general, then feel stuck were they are powerless to defend themselves from a frightening and confusing world.

I know quite a few INTJs, eight, including myself. Some of them seem more typical, they can be reclusive and socially awkward, but some are very well adjusted people. The main factor that I think has improved the health of the INTJs that I know is a good home life growing up, and often, homeschooling. I’ve been home-schooled all my life and I loved every minute of it. I don’t know about high school, but I don’t think I would be the same person I am today, if I hadn’t been home-schooled as a child. With most kids you need to let them do things on their own and be adventurous a bit, but for me that would have been a disaster. I would have most likely gotten stressed and taken it out on everyone around me (like a stereotypical evil INTJ) Now however, during my senior year in high school, I’m actually about as socially confident as other kids my age, sometimes more so. I now feel comfortable navigating things that used to bother me, simply because I was given the chance to figure them out at my own pace.

INTJs are weird and complicated. You can’t treat them exactly like other types and expect the same results (as illustrated by my six year old self taking a “time out” as a reasonable trade for hitting my sister over the head.) We want to be given the time to get comfortable with new, scary things and if you let us do it at our own pace, you’ll never have to see another stereo-typically cynical, sarcastic and brooding INTJ ever again. 

[intj-life]

What are some moments when INTJs might feel emotional other than the Ni-Fi loop?

Well, INTJs can be emotional often (although they might not show it) and for as many reasons as the other humans are emotional too, really. Also, Fi development might lead to a little bit of chronic melancholy. 

[intj-life]

I'm an INTJ and i've never been in a relationship before. I've had crushes but the concept of actually expressing my feelings and being in that vulnerable state is terrifying. If a guy shows interest in me, it's almost a reflex to pull away and act indifferent(sometimes even dismissive) towards them. I don't know how to fix this. I can easily see the problem for what it is but continue to strap my emotions into a mental straight jacket of sorts when it comes to love. Have any advice?

INTJs and Opening Up (Part II)

Love is scary and I don’t think that any amount of advice can ever push you to do what by instinct you find terrifying. But I do think that most of it depends on the other person - that one day you’ll meet someone for which is worth risking everything and being bare in front of them. I believe this kind of vulnerability is something you accept (and even in this case it’s still hard) when you already care about another person - deeply from within, for a reason you can’t quite explain. This is not something you can plan, it’s something that has to come to you, and chances are it will. 

You can however train yourself to open up to other people, not necessarily to pour your heart out to whomever, but to share things about your life to the people that are interested in listening. There is this fear sometimes in us INTJs that makes us believe that once we share something about us we become a little less - as if we had a secret recipe and by sharing it we’d lose all its value. It’s an unfunded fear. All us humans are endless and ever-changing, and discovering a bit of the mystery that we are is not a loss - it is, however, a gift that we choose carefully to whom to give. 

So this is my piece of advice: of these people that are interested in you, romantically or not, do get to know them. It shouldn’t be about feelings at first - try to figure out if you guys get along. And if you realize that you like them, the effort and the fear to open up, both about your life and maybe ultimately even your feelings, will be a little more acceptable and the process more worth it. It is something that comes with training - it’s not natural and it’ll almost always be a conscious choice you have to make, but remember that you have in you the potential to make it. Don’t forget that expressing feelings is not all about saying it in words - it will probably come more easy to you to do little acts of kindness and care, and that is totally alright. 

Part I

[intj-life]

in some ways i am emotionless. I see why other people are feeling that way, i understand the reasons but i dont feel affected (etc. my classmate started crying on her birthday. It is sad but... she's not close to me). If i am dealIng with sb really close to me or anything with important matter to me, i get more emotional than most people. Maybe bcs i overthink, than i am too deep in complexity. However, almost never i voluntarily let people see if i'm moved (esp. by genuine emotion) -crying intj

INTJs and Opening Up (Part I)

I feel the same. I get very emotional over things that are dear to me, but might end up looking emotionless if I’m trying to solve a problem that doesn’t directly involve emotions. For us INTJs, it’s very hard to share our feelings with others, as if we feared that they’d never truly understand. And most of the time, they don’t truly get what we feel, or why, even if we try to explain it to them. 

However, if they care about us, that won’t matter. Even if they can’t get in our heads, they’ll try their best to be close to us and figure out how to make us happy, or sad. They’ll hugely appreciate hearing about what’s inside our heart. With the right people, the scary leap of opening up is always worth it.

It’s also a matter of wanting to make sense all the time. Emotions seem sometimes irrational to us, and we don’t like to be seen as irrational. But from an external point of view, we’d simply be seen as somewhat soft - because let’s face it, it’s what we actually are. Shouldn’t we just embrace it then?

Part II

[intj-life]

I am an INTJ who was taught to never show emotion. The combined force of nature and nurture has turned into the cycle of my emotions collecting within me until I simply cannot handle them, and then all of the emotions to collectively express themselves in rather extreme forms such as not talking to anybody, crying fits, and thinking on a never ending loop of thoughts. How can I healthily deal with my emotions?

Simple (own) emotions guideline for INTJs

Emotions are there to be lived. That is not always fun, but it’s the healthy way of coping with them. Emotions are meant to come, be lived, and go away; not to be bottled up forever. Therefore, you have no chance but learning how to identify and expressing them. 

I think that a good way to start would be having an emotion journal, a page (physical or virtual), always private, to go on full stream of consciousness every time you feel something is troubling you (even if you don’t know exactly what that is). You shouldn’t even save it or ever read it again. Once you have it on paper and you’re discussing with yourself about your emotions, you’ll probably learn to identify what you’re feeling. Yes, non-INTJ readers, that’s a thing some people have to learn (I did). So you can write or do whatever works for you - I used to sit alone for entire evenings thinking about what I was feeling and why.

When you know what you feel and why, you can start thinking about acting. You don’t necessarily have to state your emotions to people, but you can start living taking into consideration how you feel about things.

From there, you can start being sincere about what you want from people. Learning to do it with grace takes time, but every effort is good. If you don’t think that someone behaved correctly in your regards, let them know. If you enjoy spending time with someone, let them know. When I can’t say it out loud, I write letters, texts, or notes. It’s a start.

Most importantly, accept that emotions exist and deserve to. Emotions bring flavor to life, in their good and bad. You can’t fight them to extinction. You can suppress them, but that has done you no good. Everything begins with acknowledging that you’re an emotional (as well as rational) being, and even if you can’t control your emotions, you can control your actions and the way you cope with them. You got this.

[intj-life]

If this helps anyonewho asked/asks: I used to be very uncomfortable acting like myself around others especially once I got to high school. I would try to say and act like whoever was around me or just not do anything at all. I realized that I was miserable and decided to not care what others thought about me and just make sure I was happy with myself and surrounding myself with people who love and support me for who I am. Those are the most important things! (learning abt being INTJ helped too)

I relate to this with every fiber of my being 

[intj-life]

To the Entj anon I'm an Esfp and I have the same problem, like honestly my little sister (Intj) is so emotionally unstable, one small comment and she falls into overthinking and reacting. Any advice?

She’s young, so her Fi is just developing (she might find hard to show/talk about  her emotions without getting emotional). She likely feels judged and your words (even if they don’t seem harsh to you) pile up with the harsh words she has for herself. If you feel she’s behaving like a kid, be kind to her even if she doesn’t deserve it. Don’t remind her her faults. Tell her that you believe in her and her decisions.